'^  ,  :,THE 


rs 

1%: 


iLLWcSTRATED 


Digitized  by  the  Internet  Arciiive 
in  2010  with  funding  from 
Duke  University  Libraries 


http://www.archive.org/details/dogsfleasOOscri 


PERKINS  LIBRARY 


Uuke   Unn 


Kare  Dooka 


The  Dogs  and  the  Fleas 


ONE  OF  THE  DOGS 


ILLUSTRATED 


published  by 
Douglas  McCallum 

go  WASHINGTON  ST.    CHICAGO   ILL, 

1893 


COPYRIGHT  1S93 

liV 

DOUGLAS  McCALLUM 

ALL   RIGHTS    RESERVED 


ELECTROTYPED    BY    THE 

LIBBY'   &    SHERWOOD   PRINTING   CO. 

CHICAGO. 


PREFACE. 

Henry  Ward  Beecher,  in  a  sermon  shortly  before  his  death, 
said  America  was  going  through  a  period  of  disgrace.  This  was 
true  ;  for  there  had  come  to  pass,  what  the  prophetic  Lincoln 
had  foretold,  that,  as  the  result  of  the  war,  monopolies  had  been 
enthroned,  that  had  filled  the  land  with  corruption  and  imper- 
illed the  liberties  of  the  people. 

To-day  the  period  of  disgrace  is  worse  than  then,  for  the 
corrupt  tree  which  was  then  bearing  so  luxuriant  a  crop  has 
had  several  years  more  in  which  to  develop  its  fruit-bearing 
capacity. 

On  every  hand  Mammon  reigns.  His  throne  has  been  set  up 
in  the  very  place  of  sovereignty.  His  rule  is  universal  and 
absolute.  The  price  of  his  favor  is  the  sacrifice  of  all  truth, 
virtue  and  honor.  Honest,  hard  work  has  become  the  synonym 
of  poverty  ;  and  it  has  become  the  fixed  rule  of  our  civilization 
— a  rule  with  absolutely  no  exception — that  no  one  can  come  to 
great  wealth  except  by  some  of  the  many  forms  of  legal  stealing. 
At  his  feet  all  organized  institutions  bow  and  M'orship.  Politics 
are  corrupt  to  the  core.  Our  legislatures — as  Beecher  used  to 
declare  of  that  of  New  York — are  everywhere  the  shambles 
where  legislators  are  bought  and  sold  like  sheep.  Political 
"bosses"  possess,  and  lord  it  over,  the  souls  and  bodies  of  the 
chattel  voters  of  the  "parties"  with  as  brutal  a  despotism  as 
ever  Czar  or  Kaiser  wielded.  Legislation-favored  monopolists 
of  the  various  means  of  the  people's  "life,  liberty  and  the  pur- 

1 


2  I'RUFACE. 

suit  of  happiness"  are  opeuly  and  commonly  termed  "  Kings," 
"  Lords,"  "  Barons,"  as  though  in  undisguised  contempt  of  the 
thinly  veiled  pretense  that  this  is  a  republic. 

To-day  is  fulfilled  that  which  thirty-six  years  ago  was  prophe- 
sied by  Lord  Macauley,  that,  America's  public  lands  being  all 
gone,  England's  poverty  would  be  reproduced  in  our  cities.  It 
is  literally  true  as  he  foretold,  that  in  Chicago  there  is  a 
multitude  of  people  none  of  whom  has  had  more  than  half  a 
breakfast,  or  expects  to  have  more  than  half  a  dinner. 

Our  daily  crop  of  common  theft,  murder,  suicide  and  insanity 
is  probably  greater  than  that  of  any  other  country  ;  while  the 
crop  of  respectable,  pious  and  educated  scoundrelism,  embezzle- 
ment, fraud  and  crime  was  probably  never  paralleled  in  the 
worst  days  of  the  worst  monarchy  that  ever  existed,  for  the 
thousands  of  our  daily  newspapers  the  country  over  have  little 
else  than  the  records  of  the  universally  abounding  venality, 
corruption  and  wickedness  with  which  to  fill  their  columns. 

Business,  trade  and  commerce  are  nothing  less  than  a  chaos 
of  clashing,  discordant  self-interests ;  a  universal  war ;  a  pan- 
demonium of  noisy  lying,  overreaching,  cheating  and  stealing. 

Patriotism,  too — especially  with  our  so  called  upper  classes — 
has  become  almost  universally  a  "livery  of  Heaven  to  serve  the 
devil  in,"  and  is  the  particular  characteristic  of  the  hypocritical 
scoundrels  whose  whole  business  in  life  it  has  been  to  trade  on 
the  necessities  of  the  Government,  and  to  make  money  out  of 
the  wholesale  theft  of  the  public  domain,  the  sale  of  the  liberties 
of  the  people,  and  the  bonding  and  mortgaging  of  the  future 
products  of  their  labor — even  unto  those  of  the  grandchildren  of 
generations  yet  unborn — to  the  leeches  and  loafing  non-produc- 


PREFACE.  3 

ers  of  every  foreign  country.  The  land  is  full  of  sucli  worse  than 
Benedict  Arnolds.  Blatant  hypocrites  they  are,  who — Judas- 
like — ostentatiously  kiss  the  Flag  and  worship  the  republic  to- 
day, but  are  ready  at  any  convenient  moment  to  haul  down  the 
one  and  overthrow  the  other  for  an  extra  five  per  cent,  dividend 
on  the  bondage  of  the  people. 

The  Church,  as  always,  is  the  willing  handmaid  of  the  op- 
pressor everywhere  ;  and  to  suit  the  wealthy  lords  who  are  her 
chief  support,  preaches  a  Mammonized  God  and  an  insipid, 
harmless,  garbled  and  un-Christlike  Christ ;  and  in  all  her  wide 
domain,  has  no  real  hope  or  help  for  the  groaning  millions  but 
a  shadowy  future  world. 

For  this  universal  degeneracy  the  people  themselves  are 
wholly  to  blame.  Was  it  not  Montesquieu  who  said  "all  govern- 
ments are  as  bad  as  the  people  will  let  them  be"  ?  They  are 
the  masters  whensoever  they  will  so  to  b?.  But  they  do  not 
will,  because  they  are  ignorant  and  asleep.  When  they  shall 
awake  and  come  to  a  knowledge  of  their  wrongs,  they  will  have 
but  to  command  through  the  ballot  box,  and  they  shall  cease. 

We  need  a  new  race  of  Whjttiers,  Lowells,  Phillipses,  Lincolns 
and  Garrisons  to  arouse  the  people  from  their  lethargy  and 
inspire  them  to  take  back  their  stolen  heritage  of  rights,  before 
their  one  last  peaceful  remedy,  the  ballot,  shall  be  stolen  avray 
too. 

To  help  open  their  eyes,  and  help  on  that  blessed  time  when 
this  shall  really  be  a  government  of  the  people,  by  the  people, 
and  for  the  people,  this  little  book  was  written. 

THE  AUTHOR. 
December,  1893. 


THE  DOGS  AND  THE  FLEAS. 


CHAPTER  I. 


Canisville.—  Founded 
BY  Rebee  Dogs  from 
Kyhidom. —  Prosper- 
ity AND  Happiness 
of  the  Early  Canis- 
villians. 


HERE  was  ouce  a  time 
wlieu  dogs  were  dogs 
and  dwelt  together  re- 
spectably in  the  respectable 
\  town  of  Canisville.  Can- 
isville  was  situated  on  the  west 
I  '  side  of  a  big  fish  pond,  from  the 
>  east  side  of  which  the  forefath- 
ers and  foremothers  of  the  dogs  had  come,  driven  out  by  the 
dogs  of  Kyhidom,  the  great  city  of  those  parts,  because  they 
had  dared  to  say  many  most  grievous  things  about  the  folly  of 
dogs  allowing  fleas  to  settle  on  them,  to  boss  them  and  suck 
their  blood. 

5 


6  THE  DOGS  AND  THE  FLEAS. 

For  be  it  known,  the  dogs  of  Kyhidom  were  great  idolaters 
with  very  small  heads,  who  had  been  easily  taught  to  reverence 
and  worship  fleas  in  general,  and  their  own  in  particular,  as 
having  been  ordained  of  God  to  suck  their  blood ;  and  when 
these  rebel  dogs  with  preposterous,  new  fangled  notions  about 
the  rights  of  dogs,  got  loud-mouthed  in  their  remarks,  the  good, 
orthodox,  divine-right-of-fleas  dogs  were  scandalized  and  said 
that  the  rebel  dogs  were  committing  the  sin  of  doubting  the 
wisdom  of  things  that  were  and  had  been,  and  were  flying  in 
the  face  of  Providence  ;  and  as  they  were  there  to  protect  Provi- 
dence at  all  hazards,  those  dogs  must  either  cease  flying  in  the 
face  of  Providence  or  fly  from  the  country.  So  the  rebel  dogs, 
not  being  able  to  stop  flying  in  the  face  of  Providence  afore- 
said, did  fly  from  the  country  and  paddled  their  own  canoe  to 
the  other  side  of  the  pond,  where  they  founded  the  new  town 
of  Canisville. 

Nevertheless,  this  same  Providence,  who,  on  that  side  of  the 
pond,  apparently  could  not  bear  to  have  his  face  flown  in,  did 
seem  to  mightily  bless  and  prosper  them  on  this  side  thereof;  and 
they  became  a  well-to-do  community  and  were  guided,  ruled  and 
advised  by  a  wise  and  venerable  patriarchal  chief  of  the  name 
of  Bull  McMastiff",  who  taught  them  various  wise  maxims 
and  laws.  Ever}-  morning  he  would  call  them  to  a  conversa- 
zione, and  after  admonishing  them  of  their  sins,  faults,  mis- 
takes and  transgressions  of  the  day  before,  would  advise  them 
of  the  way  wherein  they  should  trot  to-daj'  ;  and  he  alwaj'S  dis- 
missed them  with  this  particular  bit  of  advice  :  "My  children, 
your  enemy  the  flea  goeth  about  like  a  roaring  lion,  seeking 
whom  he  may  devour.  He  loveth  dogs,  and  neglecteth  no  oppor- 
tunity to  take  possession  of  one,  particularly  the  lazy  one. 
But  remember,  I  pray  ye,  your  forefathers  and  foremothers ; 
how  they  refused  to  hump  the  back  for  fleas  to  ride  upon  ;  how 
they  gat  themselves  up  out  of  Kyhidom,  out  of  the  House  of 
Bondage,  and  came  into  this  land  flowing  with  milk  and  honey, 
where  ye  have  grown  to  be  a  mighty,  prosperous  and  free  peo- 


The  dogs  and  the  fleas,  7 

pie  undevoured  of  fleas.  Therefore  I  say  unto  you,  be  vigilant, 
and  diligently  beware  of  the  flea." 

And  so  it  was  that  while  they  continued  to  hearken  unto  the 
barks  of  the  good  chief  McMastiff^,  they  dwelt  in  safety  and  put 
away  from  amongst  them  all  those  who  had  the  itch  and  the 
mange  and  the  scab  and  the  botch. 

And  they  searched  diligently  all  through  the  camp,  and 
whomsoever  they  found  scratching  with  the  hind  leg,  or  vic- 
iously biting  himself,  they  incontinently  hauled  up  before  the 
judge  and  made  confess  where  he  had  caught  his  flea,  or  rather 
where  his  flea  had  caught  him  ;  and  when  they  had  taken  the 
flea  and  caused  it  to  be  put  to  death,  they  sentenced  the  cul- 
prit to  be  cleansed  everj'  day  for  a  month  ;  but  if  the  offender 
off"ended  again,  they  worried  him  to  death  and  cast  out  his  car- 
cass. 


CHAPTER  II. 


MEPHISTOPHELES.    (Sings.) 


There  was  a  king  once  reigning, 
Who  had  a  big  black  flea- 


Hear,  hear  !    A  flea  !    D'ye  rightly  take  the  jest  ? 
I  call  a  flea  a  tidy  guest. 

MEPHISTOPHELES.      (Sings.) 

There  was  a  king  once  reigning, 

Who  had  a  big  black  flea, 
And  loved  hiiu  past  explaining, 

As  his  own  son  were  he. 
He  called  his  man  of  stitches  ; 

The  tailor  came  straightway  : 
Here,  measure  the  lad  Tor  breeches. 

And  measure  his  coat,  I  say  ! 

BRANDER. 

But  mind,  allow  the  tailor  no  caprices  : 
Enjoin  upon  him,  as  liis  head  is  dear. 
To  most  exactly  measure,  sew  and  shear, 

So  that  the  breeches  have  no  creases  ! 

MEPHISTOPHELES. 

In  silk  and  velvet  gleaming 

He  now  was  wholly  drest — 
Had  a  coat  with  ribbons  streaming, 

A  cross  upon  his  breast. 
He  had  the  first  of  stations, 

A  minister's  star  and  name  ; 
.\nd  also  all  his  relations, 

Great  lords  at  court  became. 

And  the  lords  and  ladies  of  honor 
Were  plagued,  awake  and  in  bed  ; 

The  queen  she  got  them  upon  her, 
The  maids  were  bitten  and  bled, 

8 


THE   DOGS   AND   THE   FLEAS. 

And  they  did  not  dare  to  crush  them, 
Or  scratch  them,  day  or  night : 

We  crack  them  and  we  crush  them, 
At  once,  whene'er  they  bite. 

CHORUS,  {Skoiiting.) 

We  crack  them  and  we  crush  them, 
At  once,  whene'er  they  bite  ! 

FROSCH. 

Bravo  !  Braro  !    That  was  fine. 

SIEBEL. 

Every  flea  may  it  so  befall. 


-Goethe. 


Death  oe  Bull  McMastiff.— Accession  of  Pup  McPoo- 
DLE.— His  Evil  Reign. — Trouble  With  the  Dogs  of 
Kyhidom  and  How  it  Ended. — National  Debt. — A 
Fleas'  War  and  a  Dogs'  Fight.— How  the  Victorious 
Dogs  Became  National  Pets. 


|0W  all  the  inhabitants  of  Canisville  walked  right- 
eously all  the  days  of  Bull  McMastiff,  and  the 
blessing  of  Heaven  was  upon  them.  They  kept 
his  statutes  and  judgments  and  laid  up  his  com- 
mandments in  their  hearts,  and  were  blessed  in 
their  uprising,  and  their  downsitting,  in  their 
going  out,  and  in  their  coming  in.  Plenty 
crowned  their  years,  and  full  were  always  their 
basket  and  theii  stoie  ;  their  bread  was  certain  and  their  water 
sure  ;  peace  and  everlasting  joy  were  in  all  their  borders,  and 
want  and  poverty  and  plague  were  far  away  and  unknown,  save 
as  by  stories  of  travelers  iu  strange  and  heathen  lands. 


10  THE   DOGS   AND  THE   FLEAS. 

But  it  came  to  pass  that  Bull  McMastifFdied  and  was  gathered 
to  his  fathers,  full  of  days,  full  of  honors,  and  toothless,  and 
Pup  McPoodle  reigned  in  his  stead.  And  Pup  McPoodle  did 
evil  in  the  sight  of  all  the  community,  and  walked  not  in  the 
ways  of  Bull  McMastiff.  In  the  cussedness  of  his  heart,  he 
caused  the  whole  community  of  dogs  to  turn  aside  from  follow- 
ing the  wise  maxims  and  counsels  of  Bull  McMastiff,  in  keep- 
ing of  which  they  had  grown  fat  and  strong  and  sleek  and 
well-to  do.  He  scoffed  when  certain  good  old  conservative 
canines  reminded  him  of  McMastiff  s  vigilant  care  of  the  com- 
munity, and  when  they  quoted  his  maxims,  he  barked  and 
said    'Rats." 

And  the  canines  turned  aside  from  following  Bull  McMastiff. 
And  it  came  to  pass  that  they  neglected  to  haul  up  for  punish- 
ment those  who  scratched  with  the  hind  leg  ;  and  soon  it  was 
found  that  many  were  with  flea. 

In  those  days  other  trouble  fell  on  the  inhabitants  of  Canis- 
ville ;  for  the  fleas  of  Kyhidom,  who  had  ordered  the  dogs  of 
Kyhidom  to  drive  out  the  rebellious  dogs  that  flew  in  the  face 
of  Providence,  felt  the  loss  of  the  driveu-out  dogs  ;  and  although 
they  hated  much  their  heretic  doctrines,  they  hated  more  to 
lose  the  tribute  of  blood  they  had  been  accustomed  to  get  out  of 
them.  So  they  sent  some  delegate  fleas  over  the  pond  to  beg  of 
the  outlawed  and  exiled  dogs,  to  be  good  enough  not  to  forget 
the  fleas  of  their  own  beloved  native  land,  but  to  send  over  at 
stated  times  a  little  of  their  blood  to  keep  them  from  starving. 
And  the  delegates  pleaded  so  hard  in  the  names  of  religion, 
patriotism,  the  old  countrj%  the  old  ties  of  blood,  and  for  old 
acquaintance'  sake  that  the  exiled  dogs  relented  and  repented, 
and  consented  to  bleed  themselves  so  much  a  month  and  send 
the  blood  over  in  a  bowl  for  the  sustenance  of  the  Kyhidom  fleas, 
who  were  content  to  receive  it  thus,  although  they  grumbled  at 
the  quantity  which  they  said  ought  to  have  been  at  least  two 
bowlfuls. 

In  process  of  time,  however,  when  the  fleas  of  Kyhidom  had 
grown  accustomed  to  receiving  regularly  the  monthly  bowlful, 


11 


12 


THE   DOGS   AND  THE   FLEAS. 


and  the  dogs  of  Canisville  had  become  accustomed  to  being 
bled,  the  appetite  of  the  fleas  began  to  grow,  and  they  grew 
fretful  and  began  to  say  that  the  dogs  over  the  pond  were  grow- 
ing mean  and  unmiudful  of  the  duty  they  owed  to  their 
mother  country. 

So  they  sent  over  another  delegation  to  tell  the  dogs  of  Canis- 
ville  that  the  appetite  of  the  fleas  of  Kyhidoni  had  very  much 
improved,  and  that  it  was  very  necessary  unto  their  health  that 


the  dogs  send  over  a  double  tribute  of  blood,  and  that  in  case  of 
refusal  the  fleas  would  feel  very  much  hurt  in  their  feelings  ;  and 
above  all,  that  the  refusal  would  be  very  displeasing  to  Gorge- 
ous Littlehead  Flea,  the  King  of  Kyhidom,  who  was  the  especial 
friend  and  protector  of  fleas  ;  in  fact,  so  dearly  and  devotedly  did 
he  love  them  that  they  were  to  him  as  the  apples  of  his  e}'es, 
and  any  insult  to  them  he  would  regard  as  tantamount  to  treason 
against  hint.  But  the  dogs  made  reply  that  they  could  not  con- 
scientiously comply  with  the  new  request ;  that  they  themselves 


THE  DOGS  AND  THE   FI,EAS. 


13 


,were  not  doing  as  well  as  formerly  ;  that 

they  had  fleas  of  their  own  to  support 

now,    and   that   really,   while   holding  the 

very  highest  regard  and  reverence  for  the 

fleas  of  their  beloved  old  Kyhidom  (having 

forgiven  the  outrage  perpetrated  there  upon 

■  their  forefathers),  they  hoped  the  fleas  would 

kindly   excuse  any  additional  contribution, 

^and  try  to  rest  content  with  the  usual  monthly 

bowlful. 

Certain  of  the  dogs,  however,  who  were  known  as  "Advanced," 
very  disrespectfully  spoke  up  and  said  that  this  sending  of 
blood  away  over  the  pond  was  all  wrong  ;  it  was  contrary  to 
sound  sense,  and  was  detrimental  to  the  interests  of  the  com- 
munity to  send  blood  away  to  fleas  that  didn't  live  in  the  coun- 
try ;  that  this  was  "Absenteeism"  and  absenteeism  was  the  ruin 


14  The  dogs  and  The  ^leaS. 

of  auy  country  ;  that  the  first  duty  of  dogs  was  to  their  own 
native  fleas  aud  uot  to  foreigners,  and  that  their  advice  was  to 
refuse  to  send  auy  more  blood  over  the  pond,  and  to  drive  the 
whole  pesky  lot  of  foreign  fleas  out  of  the  land. 

And  all  the  native  fleas  cried  out  that  that  was  well  spoken, 
aud  displayed  the  true  Spirit  of  Independence.  And  they  vio- 
lently urged  all  the  other  dogs  to  take  up  that  Spirit  aud  make 
a  firm  and  decided  Stand  for  Liberty,  and  refuse  to  send  any 
more  blood  over  the  pond  to  the  Kyhidom  fleas,  but  to  remem- 
ber their  ozvti  who  were  brought  up  with  them,  aud  were  blood 
of  their  blood.  Aud  it  was  so  that  these  words  prevailed,  and 
the  Canisville  dogs  did  refuse  to  send  auy  more  blood. 

So  the  Kyhidom  fleas  went  home  and  reported  the  gross  in- 
sult and  grievous  injury  they  had  received,  which  moved  the 
whole  of  Kyhidom  to  anger  ;  and  the  fleas  told  the  dogs  of  the 
insolence  and  wickedness  of  their  cousins  beyond  the  pond ; 
aud  the  dogs  were  even  more  angry  than  the  fleas,  for  they  had 
been  for  many  generations  schooled  and  drilled  by  the  fleas  in 
the  sound  and  profitable  (to  the  fleas)  doctrine  that  an  injury  to 
one  flea  is  the  concern  of  all  dogs. 

Therefore  the  dogs  got  on  their  Dignity — which  was  all  in 
their  hind  legs — and  cried  aloud  that  the  National  Honor  had 
been  insulted,  and  the  National  Flag  had  been  dirtied,  and  the 
face  of  Providence  had  been  flown  in,  and  His  Majesty,  King 
Gorgeous  Littlehead  Flea,  had  been  treasoued  against ;  aud  some 
fleas  cried  "Down  with  the  Canisvillians,"  which  cry  was  taken 
up  by  the  dogs,  who  howled  "  Down  with  the  Canisvillians," 
until  they  were  hoarse,  though  who  the  Canisvillians  were  and 
where  they  dwelt,  few  of  the  dogs  knew,  and  what  they  had 
done  still  fewer  had  any  idea  ;  but  all  knew  it  felt  good  to  shout, 
aud  was,  withal,  well  pleasing  to  the  fleas.  So  they  all  ran  and 
asked  the  fleas  to  lend  them  files  to  sharpen  their  teeth  and 
claws  with,  and  demanded  that  the  fleas  pick  out  the  most  val- 
iant dogs  to  lead  them  across  the  pond,  that  they  might  tear 
out  the  eyes  and  bowels  of  the  vile  Canisville  dogs,  who  had 


THE  DOCS  ANt)  THE  ELEAS.  15 

dared  to  insult  and  rob  their  dearly  beloved  fleas,  and  treason 
against  His  Superbly  Serene  and  Supersacred  Majesty,  Gorgeous 
Littlehead  Flea,  by  the  Grace  of  God  King  of  Kyhidom  and 
defender  of  All  Wrong  and  Bad  Faith. 

And  the  fleas  said  the  conduct  and  high  spirit  of  the  dogs 
were  exceedingly  commendable  and  showed  the  highest  Pat- 
riotism. And  they  gave  sanction  for  the  dogs  to  sharpen  their 
teeth  and  claws,  and  to  go  over  the  pond  to  tear  out  the  eyes 
and  bowels  of  the  Canisville  dogs.  The  fleas,  moreover,  said 
thus  unto  them  :  '  'Good  dogs  ;  brave  dogs  ;  it  is  a  grand  and 
glorious  thing  to  fight  and  die  for  our  Hearths  and  Homes,  as 
ye  are  about  to  go  and  do  by  ripping  up  those  of  the  dogs  be- 
yond the  water  ;  it  is  meet  that  ye  take  our  National  Honor  and 
our  National  Flag  and  go  wash  out  their  stains  in  the  blood  of 
their  insulters,  as  your  forefathers  and  foregrandfathers  have 
done  thousands  of  times  before.  Bear  with  you  and  ever  jeal- 
ously guard  those  sacred  Junk,  for  it  takes  so  very,  very  little  to 
dirty  them,  and  so  very,  very  much  blood  to  cleanse  them.  Ours 
is  a  Just  Cause  and  will  command  the  blessing  of  Heaven,  which 
has  never  failed  to  bless  the  strong  claws  and  teeth  of  the  dogs 
of  Kyhidom,  to  the  discomfiture  of  weaker  dogs.  But,  dear 
dogs,  we  must  ALL,  do  our  duty  ;  an  occasion  like  the  present 
calls  for  sacrifice  from  every  one.  In  this  solemn  hour,  and  face  to 
face  with  DUTY,  let  7io  one  shirk  to  do  his  uttermost  share  in  aid 
of  the  Common  Cause.  In  this  solemn  Crisis,  we  cannot  all  go  to 
the  field ;  some  tnust  remain  at  home ;  but  whether  we  go  to 
the  field  or  remain  at  home,  each  can  nobly  bear  his  part.  We 
are  not  equally  gifted  ;  some  have  the  teeth  and  the  claws,  and 
some  have  the  Means  ;  we  need  both  equally  ;  the  Means  with- 
out the  teeth  and  claws,  is  utterly  iiseless,  the  teeth  and  claw^s 
without  the  Means  can  do  but  little,  but  with  both  united  and 
the  Blessing  of  God,  all  things  are  possible.  We  have  the 
Means  and  yon  have  the  teeth  and  claws ;  let  us  then,  with  an 
eye  single  to  the  glory  of  Our  Common  Country,  join  our  gifts 
in  a  Common   Sacrifice  and  lay  them  both  on  our  Country's 


16  THE  DOGS  AND  THE  FLEAS. 

Altar  ;  ye  shall,  with  your  teeth  and  claws,  go  to  the  fight,  and 
we  will  stay  home  and  find  the  Means  to  send  you  and  main- 
tain you  in  the  fight ;  and  ye  can  repay  us  when  ye  come  back  ; 
but  if  ye  come  not  back,  why  then,  your  children,  and  your  chil- 
dren's children  can  repay  us.  We  will  not  be  hard  upon  you, 
we  will  Loan  the  Means,  we  will  Advance  it,  and  we  will  call 
it  }-our  DEBT  which  ye  may  owe  forever  and  ever,  provided 
ye  or  your  children  pay  us  a  little  for  it  every  year. 

' '  Then  go  to  the  war,  good  dogs,  and  the  Lord  be  with  you, 
and  we  will  sta}-  home  with  the  Lord  and  Manage  the  country 
for  you." 

And  all  the  dogs  gnashed  their  newly  sharpened  teeth  and 
howled  again,  "Down  with  the  Canisvillians,"  "  God  save  our 
Noble  Fleas,"  and  "  Long  live  King  Gorgeous  Littlehead  Flea." 

But  when  they  arrived  in  the  land  of  the  Canisvillians,  and 
proceeded,  with  the  Blessing  of  God,  to  tear  out  their  eyes  and 
their  bowels,  those  Canisville  dogs  also  showed  surprisingly 
large  teeth  and  dreadfully  sharp  and  strong  claws  ;  whereupon 
the  blessing  of  God  did  go  over  to  their  side,  and  they  did 
amazingly  wallop  the  life  out  of  the  Kyhidom  dogs,  insomuch 
that  all  that  were  not  dead  ran  howling  down  to  the  pond  and 
swam  away  home,  and  did  no  more  venture  to  come  back. 

Then  did  the  dogs  of  Canisville  feel  highly  elated  at  having 
walloped  the  dogs  of  Kyhidom,  and  kept  on  barking  and  bark- 
ing about  their  victor}-,  and  sa3-ing  they  could  do  it  again,  and 
they  wished  some  of  those  Kyhis  would  come  back  again  to  be 
walloped.  All  which  great  joy  and  elation  their  own  native 
fleas,  being  fleas  of  subtlety,  did  turn  to  their  own  profit;  for 
they,  seeing  that  dogs  always  like  to  be  pushed  in  the  way  they 
want  to  go,  ordained  certain  Remembrance  Days  to  be  observed 
through  all  the  land,  on  which  days  the  dogs  should  have  flat- 
tering looking  glasses  held  up  to  them,  should  be  sung  to  and 
made  poetry  to,  and  orated  at,  and  have  incense  burned  for  the 
gratification  of  their  nostrils.  There  was  "Defiance  to  Kyhi- 
dom   Day,"   and   "The  Awful  Walloping   Day,"   and  "  Kyhi 


THE  DOGS  AND  THE  FlEAS.  l"? 

Skedaddle  Day,"  and  "  Get-Along-all-by-Ourselves  Day,"  and 
"Slain  Dogs  Day"  and  a  host  of  other  Days  on  which  the 
dogs  told  one  another  and  the  fleas  told  them  what  grand, 
noble  and  gloriously  independent  dogs  they  were,  that  would 
never,  no  never,  endure  the  tyrant  on  their  soil,  or  suffer  any 
bobtailed,  measly,  foreign  dog  to  boss  it  over  them. 

And  it  was  so  that  they  grew  so  ineffably  conceited  and  vain, 
by  reason  of  eternally  Remembering  themselves  and  admiring 
their  own  features,  that  they  quite  forgot  the  fleas  on  their  own 
backs.  So  the  fleas  had  good  fat  times  and  were  little  disturbed; 
and  in  the  inmost  sanctuary  of  their  own  private  gatherings 
they  did  knowingly  wink  the  eye  and  say  that  for  enabling 
dogs  to  Forget  their  own  Rights  the  Remejubrance  Days  beat 
all  Creation. 


CHAPTER  III. 

Unprofitabi^e  Victory. — Pi^ague  of  Fi.eas. — Desperate 
Condition  of  the  Dogs. 


.0\v  tue  poor  fool  dogs  of  Cauisville 
had  been  told  by  their  own 
fleas  that  victory  over  the 
wicked  dogs  of  Kyhidom 
meant  Freedom ,  Liberty, 
Equality,  Fraternity,  Pros- 
perity, Universal  Wealth, 
,  <,  .  Heaven,  to  themselves  ;  and 
' '  they  believed  them.  But  it 
did  not.  On  the  contrary, 
Freedom,  Liberty,  Equality, 
etc.,  etc.,  gradually  vanished 
like  a  setting  sun,  and  a  great 
plague  of  itch  came  upou  all  the  dogs  ;  and  from  the  rising  of 
the  sun  until  the  going  down  thereof,  and  until  his  rising  again, 
the  dogs  scratched  and  scratched  and  abraded  themselves  against 
walls  and  posts,  and  howled  and  barked  and  barked  and  barked 
about  the  "  Good  old  times  "  when  all  dogs  were  healthy  and 
lustrous  of  coat. 

And  the  dogs  grew  thin  and  lank  and  mangy  looking.  Their 
eyes  grew  lustreless,  and  their  ribs  could  be  counted  1)y  the 
naked  eye  at  quite  a  distance.  Their  ears  hung  down  ;  their 
spirit  departed  ;  and  only  when  some  specially  venomous  flea 
gave  a  dog  a  specially  venomous  nip  did  he  awake  from  his 
listlessness  ;  with  a  quick  explosive  yelp  he  would  suddenly 
flop  on  the  ground  and  cause  his  hind  leg  to  vibrate  with  the 
rapidity  of  a  suddenly  released  spring. 

18 


fHE  DOGS  AND  THE  FLEAS. 


19 


But  as  for  the  fleas  they  prospered  in  an  inverse  ratio  to  the 
dogs.  All  the  qualities  of  the  dogs  seemed  to  be  transferred  to 
them.  As  the  dogs  grew  thin  the  fleas  grew  fat  and  plump. 
As  the  dogs  grew  listless  the  fleas  grew  lively.  As  a  total 
aggregate  of  dog  and  flea  there  seemed  to  be  no  loss  of  volume ; 
for  what  one  lost  the  other  seemed  to  gain.  The  average  of 
blood,  vitality  and  energy  seemed  about  as  before ;  and  to  the 
outside  spectator,  it  made  no  difference  ;  but  it  was  another 
matter  entirely  with  the  constituent  parts  ;   for  the  only  part  of 


this  society  that  was  abundantly  satisfied  was  the  fleas,  and  the 
only  part  that  was  not  at  all  satisfied  was  the  dogs. 

And  it  came  to  pass  that  the  dogs  became  possessed,  seemingly, 
of  a  desire  to  work  harder.  Everyone  now  frenziedly  tore 
around,  scratching  in  gutters  for  any  kind  of  dirty  eatables, 
nosing  in  garbage  barrels  and  keeping  up  an  incessant  trot  in 
search  of  something  to  eat.  Moreover  they  seemed  to  become 
possessed  of  the  de\nl.  Their  tempers  went  sour,  and  they  seemed 
to  be  perpetuall}'  on  the  hunt  for  a  fight.  Let  but  one  dog 
be  found  munching  a  bone,  and  instantly  half  a  dozen  others, 


20 


THE  DOGS  AND  THE  FLEAS. 


with  growls,  would  rush  upon  him  and  compel  him  to  let  go, 
only  to  snarl,  and  rage  and  battle  for  it  amongst  themselves  ; 
from  which  conflict  several  would  emerge  bleeding,  torn  and 
ragged.  And  the  more  they  fought  and  squabbled  for  bones 
and  scraps,  the  scarcer  the  bones  and  scraps  seemed  to  grow. 


The  dogs  were  always  hungry,  and  in  spite  of  their  utmost 
efforts  many  fell  by  the  wayside  and  died  of  starvation ;  and  the 
wail  of  the  hungry  ones  nightly  went  up  to  heaven. 

Why  was  all  this  ?     Nobody  seemed  to  know,  save  a  few  old 
fogy  dogs  who  remembered  the  good  time  of  the  reign  of  the 


THE  DOGS   AND  THE   FLEAS. 


21 


departed  chieftain,  Bull  McMastiflf.  They  said  that  there  were 
as  many  bones  and  scraps  in  the  community  as  ever  there  were  ; 
yea,  that  there  were  more  than  ten  times  as  many  as  in  McMas- 
tifF's  reign.  They  said  that  the  real  reason  was  that  every  dog 
had  become  so  thickly  settled  with  fleas,  that,  no  matter  how 
hard  and  how  many  hours  a  day  he  hunted  for  food,  he  could 
never  get  enough  to  nourish  himself,  because  the  fleas  he  carried 
ate  hint  tip  and  so  continually  sucked  his  blood,  that  they  kept 
him  always  thin  and  on  the  very  edge  of  starvation.    Said  they  : 


"  Behold  the  fleas  ;  they  toil  not,  neither  do  they  spin,  neither 
do  they  hunt  after  bones,  nor  do  any  manner  of  work  on  the 
Sabbath,  nor  on  any  other  day,  for  a  living  ;  and  yet,  verily,  not 
a  dog  in  all  his  plumpness  in  the  good  old  times,  was  half  so 
plump  as  one  of  these.  Behold  how  easy  be  the  times  these 
suckers  have ;  the  body  which  maintains  them  carries  them 
around,  and  is,  in  all  respects,  their  most  humljle  and  obedient 
servant." 

But  the  bare-ribbed,  hungry  and  flea-ridden  mob  of  dogs 
derided  these  wise  old  stagers  and  mockingly  cried  out  to  them, 
"Go  up,  ye  bald  heads  ;  what  do  ye  know  about  these  things?  " 
"Shut  up  your  jaw  !  "    "  Pull  down  your  vest !  "    "  Shoot  them 


THE  DOGS  AND  THE  FI.EAS. 


teeth!''  and  other  such  ribald  remarks.  Therefore  the  wise 
old  dogs  did  shut  up,  aud  did  no  more  try  the  impossible  job  of 
teaching  fools.  And  in  a  few  more  years  they  drew  up  their 
feet  and  gave  up  the  ghost ;  and  the  community  had  rest  from 
theii  unwelcome  prophesying. 

But  the  miseries  of  the  dogs  did  not  abate  zvith  (he  death  of 
those  who  told  them  what  the  matter  was.  Every  day  the  police 
dogs  reported  that  they  had  discovered  another  one  either  dying 
or  dead  of  starvation  ;  aud  then  the  dogs  ran  together  and  called 
a  confab,  which  they  named  an  "inquest."  And  the  "inquest " 
was  a  solemn  ceremony  where  a  dozen  or  more  dogs,  each  blind 
in  one  eye,  headed  by  another  dog  called  a  "Coroner" — also 


blind  in  one  eye  and  weak  in  the  other — looked  the  dead  dog  all 
over  and  then  said  :  "  Natural  causes  ;  "  "  Visitation  of  God  ;  " 
"Anaemia;"    "Atrophy;"    "  Cardialgia ; "    ''Vacuity    of  the 


THE  DOGS  AND  THE  Fl,EAS.  23 

Alimentary  Canal,''  and  then  ordered  somebody  to  bury  him  in 
the  sacred  place  of  dogs  called  the  "  Field  of  the  Potter." 

But  it  was  several  times  noticed  that  no  "inquest  "  was  ever 
held  over  a  flea.  When  a  flea  died  he  was  always  in  bed,  sur- 
rounded by  a  coming  and  going  host  of  his  sorrowing  pulician 
friends,  and  attended  by  a  peculiar  set  of  creatures  called 
"Emdees."  who  did  all  they  could  to  retard  his  death.  And 
when  he  was  dead  they  all  signed  an  elaborately  ornamented 
paper  called  a  "certificate,"  which  set  forth  that  the  "late 
lamented"  sucker  had  "deceased"  and  "passed  away"  and 
"gone  to  Heaven"  by  reason  of  the  highly  respectable  com- 
plaint known  as  "Abnormal  Enlargement  of  the  Paunch,"  and 
recommended  him  to  the  gracious  notice  and  distinguished  con- 
sideration of  the  angels. 


CHAPTER  IV. 


Piety's  Phii,osophy  of  Poverty. — Andronicus  Carniv- 
orous AND  HIS  Glory. 


RINGS  went  from 
bad  to  worse  among 
the  dogs.  It  became 
the  universal  thing  for  dogs  to  be  hungry  and  coatless  and  to  go 
about  weary,  languid  and  sore  distressed. 

But  what  was  worst  of  all,  there  was  arising  in  the  community 
a  sentiment  that  for  dogs  to  be  hungry,  coatless,  weary,  languid 
and  sore  distressed  was  the  natural  and  normal  condition  ;  that 
this  condition  was  ordained  and  fixed  by  some  higher  power 
against  which  it  was  blasphemy  to  contend  or  even  to  murmur. 
Yea,  one  poor  fool  of  a  dog,  who  said  he  had  been  to  a  place 
called  a  "Church,"  where  the  fleas  got  together  one  day  in 
every  seven  to  hear  a  renegade  dog  bark  to  them  for  a  good 
basketful  of  meat,  got  up  and  told  them  that  he  had  seen  the 
said  barking  dog,  whose  name  he  thought,  if  he  remembered 
rightly,  was  Tee  de  Little  Wit  Blatherskite,  turn  over  the 
leaves  of  some  big  book  or  other  that  lay  on  a  costly  cushion, 


THE  DOGS  AND  THE  FLEAS. 


and  then  tell  the  fleas,  in  a  very  loud  voice,  that  inside  that  big 
book  it  was  written,  in  big  letters,  that  some  very  great  person, 
called  Jesus,  or  some  such  name,  did  in  a  far-away  country,  a 
very  many  hundreds  of  years  ago,  once  say  to  some  friends  of  his 
"the  poor  ye  have  always  with  you,"  and  that  that  meant  that 
it  was  and  always  would  be  God's  will  that  dogs  should  be  poor, 
and  lank,  and  hungry,  and  covered  with  fleas.  And  he  said 
that  it  was  the  evident  design  of  God  himself  that  dogs  were 
created  expressly  for  the  purpose  of  carrying  and  nourishing 


fleas.  That  God,  who  had  done  all  things  well,  had  seen  fit  in 
his  wisdom  to  create  for  his  own  glory  both  dogs  and  fleas,  in 
order  that  the  fleas,  having  sucked  nearly  all  the  blood  out  of 
the  dogs,  might  show  their  "Charity  "  in  giving  back  to  them  a 
few  drops  now  and  then. 

And  he  told  them  a  most  beautiful  and  touching  story  of  how 
one  Andronicus  Carnivorous,  a  certain  well-known  sucker,  who, 
originally,    came   over   the   pond   from    North    Kyhidom    and 


26  THE  DOGS  AND  THE  FLEAS. 

settled  amongst  them,  had  grown  monstrously  big  and  strong 
on  the  blood  of  poor  dogs,  after  having  sucked  some  scores  of 
millions  of  drops  out  of  thousands  of  them,  had  on  a  certain  day 
before  high  heaven  and  the  assembled  priesthood,  and  with  the 
burning  of  incense  and  the  applause  of  a  great  mob  whose  voice 
was  as  the  sound  of  many  waters,  most  generously  and  magnifi- 
cently given  fifty  thousand  drops  back  again  to  be  distributed 
by  a  committee  of  lady  fleas,  amongst  the  "  most  worthy  and 
deser\'ing  poor,"  and  five  hundred  thousand  drops  more  to  the 
"Church  "  to  be  expended  on  a  new  organ,  a  new,  big,  golden 
cross  on  top  of  the  steeple,  and  some  windows  of  stained  glass, 
and  a  big  brass  plate  in  the  most  prominent  part  of  the 
"Church"  stating  for  all  posterity,  the  name  of  the  great 
sucker  who  gave  it.  All  of  which  showed  that  the  said  emi- 
nent sucker,  although  he  did  not,  alas,  and  unfortunately, 
believe  in  the  God  of  the  fleas,  was  a  most  pious  saint,  who 
humbly  regarded  his  great  wealth  as  a  trust,  and  was  endeavor- 
ing to  give  a  good  account  of  his  stewardship. 

And  he  told  them  what  a  great  and  brilliant  light  this  Saint 
Andronicus  had  shed  over  all  the  town  and  country  of  the 
Canisvillians,  and  how,  by  his  illustrious  example  he  had  shown 
the  only  true  and  honorable  way  of  getting  up  from  nothing  to 
the  highest  pinnacle  of  wealthy  comfort — which  was  by  "organ- 
izing "  great  bodies  of  dogs  to  build  him  a  high  pyramid  of  dy- 
ing dogs  for  him  to  climb  up  and  feed  on  as  he  climbed  ;  how 
by  his  enormous  diligence  and  ability  in  "acquiring"  he  had 
come  to  own  many  mansions  and  palaces  here  below  ;  how  by 
strict  methodical  habits  and  careful  husbanding  of  time  he  had 
been  able  to  snatch  a  few  moments  from  his  arduous  duties  of 
trotting  around  from  mansion  and  palace  to  palace  and  mansion 
enjoying  himself,  to  write  beautiful  sermons  on  the  true  way  of 
distributing  the  results  of  dog  phlebotomy — it  was,  he  said,  to 
take  the  blood  of  the  dogs  he  had  exhausted,  and  carry  it  many 
miles  away  (from  three  to  ten  thousand)  and  there  pour  it  out 
into  a  long  trough,  and  whistle  to  any  and  all  dogs  living  there- 


THE  DOGS  AND  fHfi   I^LltAS.  S7 

abouts  to  come,  without  money  and  without  price  and  lap  it  up. 
"Thus,"  said  he,  "do  I  fulfill  the  great  Natural  Law  of  the 
Circulation  of  the  Blood  ;  the  dogs  who  yield  it  see  it  no  more, 
and  strange  dogs  who  yield  it  not  get  it  all — save  the  tribute  I 
take  from  it  for  the  maintenance  of  me  and  mine.  Thus  do  I 
make  brethren  of  all  the  world  of  dogs  and  all  is  well,  and  Saint 
Andronicus  is  glorified." 

He  had  also  so  far  descended  from  his  high  glory  as  to  write 
by  proxy  a  beautiful  book  of  trashy  platitudes,  entitled  ' '  Tri- 
ixmphant  Dogocracy  "  which  set  forth  and  proved  that  the  dogs 
of  Canisville  were  the  fattest,  freest,  happiest  and  most  pros- 
perous dogs  in  all  the  world,  and  that  their  fatness,  freedom  and 
prosperity  were  all  owing  to  the  fact  that,  since  the  dri\'ing  out 
of  the  dogs  of  Kyhidom  and  the  abolition  of  the  sending  of 
blood  over  the  pond  to  nourish  the  Absentee  Fleas,  and  the 
destruction  of  the  system  of  7iot  allowi^ig  dogs  to  consent  to  be- 
ing bled  by  the  fleas,  they  had  established  the  self  governing 
system  oi permitting  them  to  cotisettt,  and  allowing  the  fleas  to 
go  over  the  pond  and  take  the  dogs'  blood  with  them.  All 
which  demonstrated  the  glorious  advantage  of  having  abolished 
the  system  of  Tweedledum  and  of  having  established  that  of 
Tweedledee. 

Nev.rtheless  the  said  most  estimable  Andronicus  had  been  un- 
fortunately compelled  to  allow  sundry  of  his  own  dogs  to  receive 
fatherly  chastisement  because  they  had  become  restive  under 
several  extra  bites  he  had  proposed  to  give  them  for  their  good. 

And  the  barking  dog  in  peroration  said,  "Whom  the  Lord 
loveth  he  chasteneth;  even  so  hath  Saint  Andronicus  done  unto 
those  he  loved, that  they  may  not  again  err  from  the  path  of  duty. " 

And  all  the  little  dogs,  who  sat  on  the  "free  seats"  all  around 
the  "Church,"  wagged  their  little  tails  and  barked  pleasantly ; 
and  all  the  assembled  fleas  stroked  their  fat  paunches  con- 
tentedly, and  said  that  they  had  heard  that  morning  a  most 
powerful  gospel  sermon,  and  that  their  salaried  barker  was  a 
true  prophet  of  God. 


CHAPTER  V. 

The  "BATTI.E  of  Life." — Pup  McrooDi^E's  Wicked  Reign. 
— Invention  of  the  Protectivtarif. — How  it  was 
Worked. — Construction  of  the  Bi,ood  and  Bones 
Grindery. — Singular  Blood. 


T  last  it  came  to  pass 
by  reasou  of  having 
forgotten   that  there 
ever  had  been   better 
1^  days   than   they    now 
saw  that  the  dogs  grew 
to  believe  that  the 
"^  state   of  things    they 
lived  under  was  the 
only  true  and  nat- 
•  ural  one.      True, 
they  grew  bad  tem- 
pered and  fierce  and 
bit   and   tore   one 
another  in    their 
daily   "Battle  of 
Life."    True,  every 
dog  tried  to  snatch 
"~'"^°^  the   meat   out  of 

every  other  dog's  mouth,  and  true,  many  a  dog  was  murdered  for 
the  sake  of  any  scrap  of  food  he  had  succeeded  in  "saving  up" 
and  had  "put  by  for  a  rainy  day."  True,  canine  society  had  be- 
come a  hell  upon  earth,  where  every  dog  took  for  his  motto, 
"  Every  dog  for  himself,  and  the  devil  take  the  hindmost,"  but 
not  one  among  them  ever  dreamed  of  doubting  that  their  state 

38 


THE   DOGS  AND  THE  FLEAS.  29 

was  according  to  natural  pre-ordination.  Thus  they  came  to 
regard  the  rule  of  strength,  crafl,  cunning  and  good  luck  as  the 
proper  one,  because  the  only  one  ;  and  to  this  they  squared 
their  lives  and  their  philosophy. 

Their  chief,  Pup  McPoodle,  "  stood  in  "  with  the  fleas,  and  on 
condition  that  his  own  body  should  be  free,  he  undertook  to  use 
his  power  as  chief  to  make  it  easier  for  them  to  suck  the  blood 
of  the  rest  of  the  community.  He  walked  in  more  evil  ways 
than  any  evil  dog  that  ever  reigned  before  him.  He  revived  all 
the  abominations  of  the  heathen  whom  the  Lord  cast  out,  and 
burnt  incense  unto  strange  gods  and  worshipped  devils,  and  be- 
ing tempted  of  these,  he  called  a  council  of  the  hungriest  and 
thirstiest  of  the  fleas,  and  they  did  devise  and  invent  a  wicked 
instrument  of  torture  called  a  "  Protecti\-tarif."  It  was  a  ma- 
chine having  a  nice  bed  on  which  a  dog  was  laid,  and  an  upper 
portion  called  a  "  dooty  "  which  was  worked  with  a  long  handle 
called  a  "government,"  which  was  invisible  to  all  but  the 
operators,  but  which  when  properly  operated  brought  down  the 
"dooty"  upon  the  dog  with  variously  regulated  degrees  of 
squeeze  and  crush,  ranging  from  twenty-five  to  one  hundred 
and  fifty  pounds  per  square  inch,  and  which  caused  the  dog  to 
howl  and  his  blood  to  squirt  out  far  more  rapidly  than  the 
fleas  could  extract  it  by  ordinary  suction. 

But  over  the  use  of  this  instrument  the  fleas  got  to  disagree- 
ment and  bickering.  For  there  were  those  who  said  that  the 
higher  pressures  were  destructive  of  profit  to  the  fleas,  as  they 
nearly  killed  the  dog  and  prevented  him  making  new  blood  ; 
that  the  lower  pressures  alone  were  profitable  economically. 
But  the  others  said,  "  No,  the  higher  the  pressure  the  better  for 
the  dog  ;  "  for  they  had  invented  a  Rule-of-Contrary  Magni- 
fying Glass  that  had  a  most  astonishing  property,  when  looked 
through,  of  making  a  dog  appear  bigger  and  plumper  and  more 
prosperous,  the  more  he  was  flattened  out.  Argufy  as  they 
might,  the  Low  Pressure  fleas  could  not  get  the  High  Pres- 
sure fleas  to  look  at  the  squeezed  dogs  with  the  naked  eye. 


30  THE  DOCS  AND  THE   FLEAS. 

For  answer  the  High  Pressurists  rolled  up  their  eyes  most 
piously  and  said  that  the  invention  of  the  Glass  was  the  Gift  of 
God,  sent  down  from  Heaven  to  look  at  dogs  with,  and  it  would 
never  do  to  despise  the  Gift  by  blasphemously  doing  without  it, 
and  looking  at  facts  with  siuful  natural  eyes.  And  the  High 
Pressurists  did  prevail  in  argument,  for  they  were  more  powerful 
than  the  Low  Pressurists,  and  kept  up  the  high  pressure  against 
the  protests  of  the  Low  Pressurists,  so  that  many  dogs  had  the 
ghost  squeezed  out  of  them  and  died. 

And  then  with  the  help  of  this  instrument  the  fleas  went  off 
and  invented  another  called  a  "  Trust,"  the  wickedness  of  which 
can  only  be  fully  expressed  in  Satanese.  And  other  base  dogs 
seeing  that  the  only  way  to  get  freedom  themselves  was  to  help 
the  fleas  to  suck  the  rest,  went  and  licked  the  feet  of  McPoodle, 
and  became  his  courtiers  and  aided  and  abetted  him  in  bringing 
their  fellow  dogs  under  the  power  of  the  fleas. 

Then  did  som^  of  the  biggest  and  fattest  of  the  fleas  gather 
themselves  together,  and  put  their  wits  together  to  devise  a 
most  wondrous  scheme  of  prosperity  to  themselves.  Said  they, 
"  Lo  !  These  dogs  be  jackasses  most  foolish.  They  act  not  to- 
gether, neither  bark  they  in  unison.  Though  they  be  exceed- 
ing strong  and  we  be  but  weak,  zve  can  do  just  as  we  please 
zaitli  them,  for  we  have  wit  and  they  have  strength  which  they 
know  not  how  to  use.  We  will  put  on  them  therefore  'as 
much  as  they  will  bear.'  We  know  how  far  we  dare  go  ;  and 
if  any  out-of-date  fool,  with  such  a  piece  of  antiquated  old  fur- 
niture as  a  heart  within  him,  shall  dare  to  remonstrate  with  us 
we  will  say,  '  The  dogs  be  damned.'  " 

And  it  was  so  that  they  ordered  McPoodle  to  order  his  slaves 
to  build  them  a  big  Mill  with  a  great,  wide,  deep  hopper  to  it 
which  Mill  was  turned  with  a  long  Handle  that  went  exceed- 
ingly hard  and  creaky  for  want  of  oil.  And  McPoodle  set  a  lot 
of  his  courtier  and  lickspittle  dogs  called  "  Chuckersin  "  to 
catch  and  chuck  other  dogs  into  the  hopper ;  and  got  a  lot  of 
very  hungry  dogs  for  a  promise  of  reward  to  turn  the  Handle 


THE  DOGS  AND  THE  FLEAS.  31 

SO  that  the  poor  dogs  thrown  iu  were  ground  up  body  and 
bones,  and  their  blood  ran  out  by  a  big  Spout  into  a  big  Tank 
below,  around  which  sat  a  large  company  of  big  fleas — who 
called  themselves  "The  Brethren,"  chief  of  whom  was  Andron- 
icus  Carnivorous — drinkiug  blood  by  wholesale  ;  a  method  which 
they  said  was  a  great  improvement  over  the  slow  one  of  boring 
for  it  with  the  old  fashioned  stiletto,  and  raising  it  with  the 
suction  pump,  and  was  much  less  laborious  and  more  reliable. 

This  blood  was  of  a  very  peculiar  appearance,  for  its  corpuscles 
were  very  large  and  quite  visible  to  the  naked  eye.  They  were 
disk  shaped,  and  when  held  up  to  the  light  showed  most  singular 
markings  on  both  sides.  On  one  side  there  seemed  to  be  the 
figure  of  a  head  and  bust  of  a  female  of  the  human  species,  hav- 
ing on  a  ridiculous  looking  night  cap,  on  which  was  the  word 
"  Liberty,"  and  on  the  other  side  of  the  disk  were  some  words 
that  the  learned  said  were  "  In  God  we  Trust,"  the  meaning  of 
which  nobody  was  able  to  make  out.  How  the  corpuscles  came 
to  have  those  strange  markings  nobody  knew,  but  a  few  of 
the  more  daring  hazarded  the  conjecture  that  they  were  due  to 
a  surviving  taint  in  the  blood  of  some  old  time  religion  that  had 
gone  out  of  fashion  and  been  forgotten.  But  the  greedy  drinkers 
of  the  blood  said  these  peculiarities  did  not  at  all  derogate  from 
the  goodness  of  the  flavor  of  it, 


CHAPTER  VI. 


Weariness  of  the  Grinders.— Growing 
Greed  of  the  Monstrous  Fi^eas.— 
Conundrums. — The  Sanguinometer. 
—Pharaoh  Phrioue. — Strike  of  the 
Dogs.  — Their  Defeat.  — Groaning 
FOR  A  Savior. 

■  OW  the  dogs  did  grind  and  sweat  eighteen 
hours  a  day  at  the  Mill,  and  the  fleas  around  the  Tank  at  the 
bottom  had  high  old  times,  and  said  that  the  lines  had  fallen 
unto  them  in  pleasant  places  and  they  had  a  goodly  heritage. 
But  they  were  very  considerate  of  the  dogs  at  the  Handle,  and 
to  reward  them  for  their  grinding,  did  smear  a  little  spoon  quite 
liberally  with  the  Blood  in  the  Tank,  and  did  send  up  the  spoon 
for  them  to  lick,  but  with  strict  injunctions  that  they  were  to 
regard  the  gift  as  something  to  be  thankful  for,  in  that  Capital 

33 


THE  DOGS  AND  THE  FLEAS.  33 

had  condescended  to  set  up  a  Mill  in  their  midst  and  had  vouch- 
safed to  give  them  employment  at  the  Handle  thereof;  and  they 
added  the  further  injunction  that  they  were  not  to  stop  turning 
the  Handle,  but  to  lick  the  spoon  as  they  turned. 

But  the  dogs  did  frequently  grow  weary,  and  often  one  would 
fall  down  fainting:  whereupon  the  fleas  ordered  the  chuckers-in 
to  chuck  him  into  the  hopper  and  run  for  another  to  take  bis 
place  at  the  Handle,  which  caused  the  other  Handle  turners  to 
turn  with  double  diligence,  in  the  deadly  fear  of  being  thrown 
in  themselves.  But  the  fleas  who  sat  below  and  drank  the 
Blood  grew  bigger  and  bigger  and  bigger,  until  they  were  all 
paunch  ;  so  big  and  fat  and  full  did  they  become  that  their  skins 
glistened  with  very  tightness  ;  and  had  some  one  pricked  them 
with  a  pin,  they  would  have  exploded  with  a  loud  report.  But 
the  fuller  and  tighter  they  grew  the  more  savagely  and  fero 
ciously  hungry  did  they  grow  ;  and  when  the  dogs  grew  weary 
at  the  Handle  and  the  Stream  of  Blood  slowed  down  slightly, 
they  sent  up  fierce  messages  to  them  wanting  to  know  why  the 
Satan  they  didn't  turn,  and  what  in  the  Everlasting  Profundo 
they  meant  by  it,  and  did  they  not  know  that  they  were  cheat- 
ing and  robbing  their  masters ;  and  what  were  dogs  coming  to 
nowadays,  anyway? 

To  all  of  which  deep  conundrums  the  dogs  could  find  no 
answer  but  to  wake  up  and  grind  with  hysteric  fury  ;  and  the 
more  furious  grinding  gave  a  temporarily  thicker  stream  of 
Blood  below,  which  only  whetted  the  appetite  of  the  fleas,  so 
that  the  thicker  Stream  had  then  to  be  kept  up,  otherwise  the 
fleas  did  send  up  the  savage  conundrums  to  the  dogs  at  the 
Handle. 

At  last,  however,  the  dogs  became  so  faint  with  the  unrequited 
turning  that  the  Stream  very  greatly  slowed  down,  which  very 
greatly  quickened  up  the  anger  of  the  Brethren,  who  not  only 
sent  up  doubly  savage  conundrums,  but  an  announcement  that 
they  were  losing  terribly  in  their  income  ;  that  instead  of  being 
very  full  and  very  tight,  they  were  merely  full,  and  were  going 


34  THE  DOGS  AND  THE  FLEAS. 

rapidly  down  hill  to  bankruptcy  and  ruin  ;  and  that  they  really, 
out  of  simple  justice  to  themselves,  could  not  afford  to  smear 
the  little  spoon  so  liberally  ;  but  would  be  compelled  in  future 
to  smear  it  according  to  an  instrument  called  a  "Sliding  Scale 
Readjuster," — a  new  Sanguinometer,  the  invention  of  Saint 
Andronicus  Carnivorous  and  Pharaoh  Phrique,  two  very  em- 
inent Brethren — which,  when  put  under  the  Stream,  showed 
with  the  utmost  accuracy,  when  and  how  much  the  allowance 
to  the  Handle  turners  must  be  reduced. 

This  marvelous  and  unique  instrument  had  two  faces,  one  of 
which  was  towards  the  Brethren  around  the  Tank  and  the  other 
towards  the  grinders  at  the  Handle.  On  that  facing  the  fleas 
was  registered  only  the  rise  of  the  stream,  and  on  that  facing 
the  grinders  were  registered  only  the  downward  fluctuations  oj 
the  rise.  The  readings  of  this  impartial  instrument,  said  the 
fleas,  should  determine  the  rise  and  fall  of  the  allowance  to  the 
Handle  turners  ;  whenever  the  reading  showed  a  rise,  the  wages 
should  go  ?//>,  but  whenever  the  reading  showed  a  fall  the 
wages  should  go  doiv)i.  But  as  the  register  of  the  rise  was  al- 
ways invisible  to  the  dogs,  and  the  fleas  were  scrupulously  dumb 
as  to  what  they  saw,  the  Sanguinometer  never  showed  a  rise, 
but  always  the  downward  fluctuations  ;  therefore  the  licks  at 
the  spoon  were  always  reduced.  So  the  dogs  did  groan  by 
reason  of  the  Sanguinometer. 

Moreover,  the  fleas,  having  given  ear  unto  the  wise  counsel  of 
Pharaoh  Phrique  and  Saint  Andronicus  (who  said,  however, 
that  he  was  a  modest  flea  and  a  flea  of  reputation,  and  did  not 
want  the  honor  of  appearing  in  the  matter),  issued  an  edict  that 
henceforth  each  and  everj-  dog  that  had  the  gracious  privilege 
of  being  allowed  to  help  turn  the  Handle  must,  on  entering  the 
service,  cut  off  two  toes  and  throw  them  into  the  hopper,  as  an 
initiation  fee  and  an  evidence  of  good  faith  towards  the  com- 
pany below,  said  two  toes  or  their  equivalent  to  be  returned  to 
the  depositor  when  he  left  the  service  at  the  Handle— if  he  ever 
did. 


The  dogs  and  the  fleas.  35 

At  which  the  dogs  lifted  up  their  voices  aud  wept  sore  ;  but 
weeping  did  not  save  them  ;  for  the  fleas  told  the  chuckers-in 
to  tell  the  grinders  that  there  were  crowds  of  hungry  dogs 
around  the  corner,  standing  ready  and  anxious  to  take  their 
places  at  the  Handle  and  willing  to  give  three  toes  for  the  priv- 
ilege. Which  was  all  true  ;  for  in  spite  of  the  awful  hunger  of 
the  dogs  at  the  Handle,  and  their  common  fate  of  dropping 
down  faint  and  being  thrown  into  the  hopper,  there  were  hun- 
dreds of  pinched  and  meagre  dogs,  who  sat  around  on  their 
haunches  casting  covetous  and  envious  glances  at  the  workers, 
and  hoping  to  see  some  fall ;  yea,  so  eagerly  anxious  were  they 
for  a  chance  at  the  Handle,  to  earn  a  little  lick  at  the  spoon, 
that  when  they  saw  one  growing  faint  and  ready  to  fall,  they 
would  all  rush  forward  and  fight  amongst  themselves  to  be  first 
to  be  taken  on  by  the  chuckers-in  ;  and  it  became  the  common 
practice  of  almost  everyone  to  creep  up  behind  any  fainting  dog 
and  slyly  pinch  his  tail  or  bite  his  leg,  in  order  to  make  him 
faint  quicker  and  let  go  of  the  Handle. 

So  the  grinding  dogs,  finding  themselves  helpless,  did  cut  off 
two  toes  and  fling  them  into  the  hopper,  and  ground  and 
groaned  and  wept,  and  got  their  little  lick  at  the  smeared  spoon, 
and  fainted  by  scores,  and  were  mercilessly  flung  into  the 
hopper.  And  the  Brethren  around  the  Tank  grew  bigger  and 
fuller  aud  tighter  every  day  ;  and  as  the  Stream  grew  thicker 
and  thicker,  they  grew  more  querulous  and  angry  at  the  pesky 
laziness  of  good-for-nothing  dogs  that  could  not  be  encouraged 
to  diligence,  no,  not  by  "good  wages"  and  a  steady  position  at 
the  Handle  ;  and  they  sent  up  more  savage  conundrums,  want- 
ing to  know  why  the  two  Satans  they  didn't  turn,  and  what  in 
the  two  Everlasting  Profundos  they  meant  by  robbing  and 
cheating  their  masters  and  driving  them  to  bankruptcy  ? 

To  all  of  which  the  dogs  at  the  Handle  replied  that  they  had 
reached  the  limit  of  canine  endurance,  and  would  stop  the  turn- 
ing of  the  Handle  unless  the  company  of  Brethren  would  raise 
their  allowance  of  blood  to  the  standard  of  the  old  liberal  smear- 


36 


'THt  D6GS  AND  YHK  PLKAS.  &t 

ing  of  the  little  spoon,  and  abolish  the  requisition  of  two  toes  to 
the  hopper.  To  which  the  fleas  angrily  made  reply  that  the 
dogs  at  the  Handle  might  all  go  to  the  bottom  of  the  Everlast- 
ingist  Profundo,  for  they  would  put  other  more  docile  and 
appreciative  dogs  at  the  Handle. 

Whereupon  the  dogs  struck,  and  the  Handle  came  to  rest, 
and  the  Elood  Stream  stopped.  But  the  fleas  sat  patiently 
around  the  Tank  and  leisurely  drank  themselves  full,  and  sent 
for  the  other  hungry  dogs  that  anxiously  sat  around  ;  and  the 
other  dogs  did  come,  and  were  set  upon  and  worried  and 
wounded  by  the  original  grinders.  But  the  chuckers-in  and 
the  police  dogs  did  help  the  new  dogs  and  slew  divers  of  the 
first  Handle  turners  and  finally  routed  them.  Then  did  the 
first  Handle  turners  go  meekly  crawling  on  their  bellies  to  the 
company  of  the  fleas,  and  humbly  confess  their  sins  and  beg  to 
be  reinstated  at  the  Handle.  But  the  company  deigned  not  to 
speak  unto  them,  but  sent  out  unto  them  Brother  Pharaoh 
Phrique,  who  lifted  up  his  nose  high  in  the  air,  and  said  unto 
them  :  "Well ;  what  will  ye  ?"  And  the  dogs  cast  down  their 
eyes  and  hugged  the  dust  with  their  bellies  and  answered : 
"That  thy  bondservants  may  find  favor  in  thy  sight  and  be  rein- 
stated at  the  Handle."  But  Pharaoh's  heart  was  hardened  like 
unto  armor  plate,  and  he  said  :  "Not  so,  ye  wicked  dogs ;  faith- 
less and  perverse  generation  of  dogs,  despisers  of  our  goodness 
and  mercy  ;  ye  shall  in  no  wise  return  to  your  positions  at  the 
Handle,  save  and  unless  ye  shall  be  content  to  receive  as  wages 
no  more  Blood  than  can  be  carried  upon  the  point  of  a  needle, 
and  shall  first  contribute  five  toes  to  the  hopper,  and  execute  a 
contract  to  fling  into  the  Mill  all  the  little  bow-wows  that  shall 
henceforth  be  born  unto  you." 

And  all  the  dogs,  with  sighs  and  wailing  and  grevious  lamen- 
tations, did  consent,  and  went  and  turned  the  Handle  and 
groaned  for  a  Savior. 


CHAPTER  VII. 


The  Great  Idea. — Combination  to  Agree. — The  White 
Label. — "Lengthen  the  Handle." — Formation  of  the 
White  Leg  Association. — Gracious  Reception  of  the 
Idea  by  the  Monstrous  Fleas. 


IT  came  to  pass  one  day  when  the 
Handle  went  more  heavily  than 
usual,  that  one  dog  was  seen  to 
jump  up  from  his  work  with  a 
yelp  as  though  bitten  by  ten 
thousand  fleas  all  at  once.  His 
^  eyes  rolled  in  a  fine  frenzy  ;  he 
'  rolled  over  and  over  on  the  ground 
and  turned  somersaults  by  the 
dozen.  All  the  dogs  at  the 
Handle  were  temporarily  para- 
lyzed with  consternation,  and 
dropped  work  to  inquire  what 
was  amiss.  "What's  the  mat- 
'  said  one  of  the  crowd  to 
nni ;  but  he  only  yelped  the 
harder  and  turned  more  somer- 
saults. "He's  gone  crazy  with 
hunger,"  said  they;  "we  must 
put  him  in  the  madhouse  ; ' '  and 
they  seized  him  by  the  ears  and  the  tail  for  to  take  him  there  ; 
which  caused  him  suddenly  to  come  back  to  sobriety. 

"  Brethren,"  said  he,  "  while  turning  at  that  infernal  Handle 
I  was  suddenly  seized  with  an  Idea.  It  is  a  grand  Idea  ;  it  is 
none  other  than  how  we  may  ameliorate  the  cruel  lot  of  the 
grinders  at  the  Handle  and  raise  our  wages." 

38 


^\^  -  ^  hil 


THE  DOGS   AND  THE   FLEAS. 


89 


"  Raise  our  wages  ?  "  they  all  cried  in  astonishment,  letting 
go  of  the  Handle.     "  Oh  tell  us  how,  and  tell  us  quickly." 

"  Well,"  said  he,  "you  see,  it  stands  to  Common  Sense  that 
if  all  dogs  would  combine  and  agree  not  to  turn  that  Handle  for 
less  than  so  much  a  day,  those  big  bloats  would  have  to  give  it 
us  or  suffer  the  cessation  of  the  Stream." 

"That's  so;  so  it  is,"  cried  the  other  dogs  in  astonishment; 
"  we  never  thought  of  that ;  why,  that  must  be  one  of  those 
Revelations,  those  deep  abstrusities  which  the  philosophers  call 
'  Axioms '  —  self-evident  truths.  And  only  to  think  it  was 
given  to  a  common  dog  to  make  the  discovery  !  But  canst  thou 
tell  us,  oh  wonderful  discoverer,  how  we  may  all  combine,  with 
all  those  other  dogs  around  us  who  cannot  get  a  chance  at  the 
Handle?  That  is_  a  problem,  beside  the  complexity  of  which 
the  Great  Truth  is  simplicity  itself" 

"Oh,  ye  simpletons,"  said  the  dog  with  the  Idea,  "these 
things  are  hidden  from  the  wise  and  prudent  and  are  revealed 
unto  pups.  The  thing  is  self-evidently  simple.  All  we  require 
is  simply  that  all  dogs  shall  agree.'' 

"  But,"  said  the  other  dogs,  "  how  art  thou  going  to  get  th^ 
outside  dogs  to  agree  not  to  turn  except  for  so  nmch,  when  now 
they  neither  turn  nor  get  a  lick  ;  it  is  simply  asking  a  dog  to 
abstain  from  doing  what  he  hasn't  done,  and  is  not  going  to  do. 
The  agreement  can  only  interest  those  at  the  Handle,  while  it 
does  not  interest  the  others  who  want  to  be  there  but  cannot 
get  there." 

"Well,"  said  the  dog  with  the  Idea,  "we  at  the  Handle  must 
keep  up  our  wages,  anyhow;  so  I  propose  thafw.?  make  the 
agreement  and  that,  as  a  mark  to  be  known  by,  each  dog  that 
agrees,  have  a  white  label  bound  on  his  right  hind  leg  ;  and  we 
will  further  agree  that  whomsoever  has  not  on  the  '  White 
Label '  shall  be  called  a  Black  Leg  and  be  worried  and  cast  away 
from  the  Handle." 

But  there  arose  another  dog,  and  said  he  had  an  Idea,  too,  that 
was  much  better.     Said  he  :     "  Suppose  all  of  us  do  adopt  the 


46  The  dogs  and  the  fleas. 

White  Label,  and  do  live  up  to  the  solemn  agreement — which 
is  not  probable — what  will  it  avail  us  to  worry  and  cast  away  from 
the  Handle  all  those  that  have  not  the  White  Label,  when  there 
are  so  many  more  dogs  who  through  hunger  will  jump  in  to 
take  their  places?  We  can' i  worry  them  all.  My  Idea  is  to 
lengthen  the  Handle  so  that  all  the  unemployed  dogs  can  catch 
on  and  help  to  turn." 

But  some  said,  "  What  good  would  that  do?  You  could  not 
make  it  long  enough  to  give  every  dog  a  place  ;  and  besides,  the 
the  Handle  belongs  to  the  Mill,  and  the  Mill  belongs  to  the 
fleas,  and  they  won't  permit  it  to  be  lengthened,  so  that 
settles  it." 

"  Well,  then,"  replied  the  other  dog,  "let  us  agree  to  work 
fewer  hours  so  as  to  put  some  of  the  unemployed  at  the  Handle  ; 
average  things,  as  to  speak." 

"  Bow-wow  wow-wow  !  "  barked  all  the  other  dogs  in  chorus. 
"What!  Put  ourselves  on  half  time  for  unemployed  dogs! 
Why,  we  don't  make  a  living  as  it  is  on  full  time.  Thou  art  no 
friend  of  ours.  Want  us  to  reduce  our  wages,  do  you  ?  Out 
with  him  !  "     And  they  worried  hun  and  cast  him  out. 

And  it  was  so  that  they  did  agree  ;  and  each  dog  did  bind  on 
his  right  hind  leg  a  White  Label  and  they  called  themselves  the 
Great  United  Order  of  White  Legged  Handle  Turners,  and 
called  themselves  "  White  Legs"  for  short. 

By  this  time  the  big  bloats  around  the  Tank,  having  perceived 
that  the  Mill  was  going  very  slowly  on  account  of  the  grinders' 
attention  being  taken  up  with  the  Agreement,  sent  up  to  them 
a  terrible  conundrum  wanting  to  know  why  the  half-a-dozen 
Satans  they  didn't  grind,  and  what  in  half-a-dozen  Everlasting 
Profundos  they  meant  by  robbing  their  employers  by  such 
laziness. 

But  when  it  was  told  them  that  the  grinders  had  been  taking 
a  recess  to  hold  a  mysterious  confab,  and  that  all  the  Handle 
Turners  had  white  badges  on  their  right  hind  legs,  they  called 
down  several  of  the  dogs  and  demanded  of  them  what  this  new 


¥he  dogs  and  the  fleas.  41 

thing  should  meau  ?  And  one  of  the  dogs  meekly  answered 
that  they  had  formed  an  Association  of  White  Legs,  and  that 
the  purpose  of  the  said  Association  was  to  petition  the  big  fleas 
at  the  Tank  to  raise  their  allowance  of  blood  to  the  old  standard 
of  the  good  licks  at  the  liberally  smeared  spoon,  when  they  first 
began  to  turn  the  Handle. 

And  the  big  fleas  said  that  was  all  right,  and  it  did  them  great 
credit  to  wish  to  better  their  condition,  and  that  provided  they 
confined  their  efforts  to  mutual  help,  and  to  making  their  mem^ 
bers  more  honest,  industrious  and  well  behaved,  and  to  im^ 
proving  their  minds  in  their  leisure  hours,  and  didn't  go  to 
demanding  more  blood,  but  left  the  raisiug  of  their  allowance 
entirely  to  the  good  judgment  and  good-heartedness  of  their 
employers,  and  didn't  go  to  violating  the  inalienable  rights  of 
their  employers  to  shove  away  from  the  Handle  any  objection- 
able dog,  or  the  inalienable  rights  of  the  unlabelled  dogs  to  take 
their  places  at  the  Handle  and  to  make  free  contracts  as  free- 
born  dogs  should,  and  didn't  conspire  to  incite  to  breaches  of 
the  Blood  and  Bones  Grinding  Laws,  but  confined  themselves 
to  peaceful  methods  and  the  use  of  moral  suasion,  why,  they 
would  have  their  hearty  good  wishes  for  their  prosperity,  and 
everything  would  be  lovely. 

So  the  dogs  returned  to  their  fellows  and  reported  the  gracious 
reception  they  had  met  with,  and  all  the  White  Legs  rejoiced 
and  went  back  to  their  grinding  with  a  will  and  with  new  hopes 
in  their  hearts.  But  though  the  dogs  turned  for  many  days, 
they  found  things  go  on  just  as  usual ;  they  turned  and  ground 
and  fainted  and  were  thrown  into  the  hopper,  but  their  allow- 
ance was  not  raised,  although  they  sent  down  many  humble 
petitions  to  the  fleas  to  raise  it. 


CHAPTER  VIII. 


Barren  Hopes. — The  Handi^e  Tied  up.— Defeat  of  the 
White  Legs  by  the  Bi,ack  I^egs  and  the  Pink   Eved 

Dogs. — Invention  of 
THE  Wii.1,  op  the 
Dogs  Expresser. — 
The  Invention  Gra- 
ciously Accepted  by 
THE  Fleas. —  San- 
guine Hopes. 


J  O  at  last  the  White  Leg  dogs, 

weary  unto  death  with  wait- 

for  the  fruit  which  came  not  on  the 

barren  fig  tree  of  the  big  fleas'  "hearty 

good  wishes,"  resolved  that  they  would 

demand  a  larger  allowance. 

Therefore  they  sent  down  some  of  the 
big  and  bold  dogs,  to  tell  the  fleas  around 
the  Tank  that  unless  they  would  restore 
their  allowance  to  what  it  was  at  first,  and  abolish  the  contribu- 
tion of  toes,  and  the  chucking  in  of  fainting  dogs,  and  would 
grease  the  bearings  of  the  Handle,  and  reduce  the  number  of 
their  working  hours,  and  refuse  to  employ  any  dog  that  had 
not  on  the  White  Label,  and  would  do  and  not  do,  many 
other  things  most  astonishing  to  the  fleas,  the  dogs  would  all 
take  their  White  Labels  and  twist  them  all  together  into  a  most 
unbreakable  rope,  and  therewith  tie  up  the  Handle  with  such 
unheard-of  and  untieable  knots,  that  nobody  on  earth  save  the 
White  Legs,  would  be  able  to  release  it.  Whereupon  the  Mill 
would  stop,  and  the  Stream  would  dry  up,  and  the  fleas  would 
collapse,  and  other  great  miseries  would  come  upon   them. 

4:i 


THE  DOGS  AND  THE  FLEAS.  43 

Therefore  it  behooved  them  to  listen  to  reason,  and  grant  their 
reasonable  requests  ere  it  were  too  late,  and  the  Handle  were 
tied  up. 

But  the  fleas  showed  no  alarm  and  went  on  filling  themselves. 
They  simply  turned  towards  Pharaoh  Phrique,  and  said  : 
"Brother  Phrique,  thou  art  learned  in  all  the  learning  of  the 
Egyptian  taskmasters.  Thou  art  a  skillful  hide  skinner  and 
dog  walloper,  and  well  versed  in  the  secret  art  of  squelching 
insolence  and  ill  behavior.  Thou  wast  our  trusty  counsel  in 
our  late  fight  with  these  dogs,  before  they  got  this  White  Label 
craze,  and  thou  didst  bring  us  through  it  with  honor  and  divi- 
dends. Thou  wast  our  High  Tower,  our  Shield  and  Hiding 
Place,  whereunto  we  ran  and  were  safe — all  save  our  beloved 
Andronicus  Carnivorous,  who  gat  himself  over  the  pond  for  hid- 
ing.    We  trust  thee  ;   deal  with  them  as  seemeth  thee  good. " 

So  Pharaoh  hardened  his  heart  as  aforetime,  and  spake  thus 
unto  the  dogs  :  "Dogs  that  ye  are  ;  insolent  despisers  of  your 
precious  privileges.  I  chastened  you  once  before,  thinking  to 
bring  your  erring  feet  into  the  path  of  duty  and  wisdom.  But 
ye  are  a  stiff-necked  and  perverse  generation.  Ye  have  heaped 
sin  upon  sin.  Not  content  with  having  tried  to  rob  us  before, 
ye  have  formed  a  Union,  which  is  to  commit  the  Unpardonable 
Sin.  Get  out  of  this,  therefore  ;  vamose  the  ranch  ;  put ;  scoot ; 
absquatulate  ;  skedaddle,  and  make  yourselves  scarce  ;  for  I 
swear  that  even  as  our  brother  Webbfoot  and  Brother  Gold  Jay, 
and  other  of  our  brethren  did  chastise  their  dogs  once,  I  will 
chastise  you.  Yea,  I  will  so  grind  and  crush  you  that  the 
whole  world  shall  hear  the  sound  thereof,  for  I,  Pharaoh 
Phrique,  have  said  it.  Tie  up  the  Handle  with  your  rope  of 
White  Labels  ;  it  shall  be  unto  me  as  tow  burnt  with  the  fire  ; 
for  I  will  dissolve  your  Union  and  scatter  the  members  thereof, 
and  give  your  heritage  unto  the  Unlabeled  and  more  obedient 
Black  Legs.     Git !"     And  he  drove  them  from  his  presence. 

But  the  dogs  did  tie  up  the  Handle,  and  the  Mill  did  stop, 
and  some  of  the  catastrophes  foretold  did  happen.    But  Pharaoh 


44 


THE  DOGS  AND  THE   PLEAS. 


Phrique  whistled  to  the  Black  Legs  to  come  and  gnaw  the  rope. 
And  he  went  by  night  down  to  a  secret  place  in  Canisville,  called 
the  Devil's  Cheap  Bargain  Counter,  where  certain  lewd  and 
ferocious  dogs  of  the  baser  sort,  which  had  Pink  Eyes  that  could 
not  bear  the  sunshine,  did  for  a  few  scraps 
of  dirty  bread  and  meat,  hire  themselves  out 
on  foggy  and  moonless  nights  to  worry  and 
kill  any  other  dogs  that  were  objectionable 
to  the  fleas  ;  and  he  paid  them  handsomely  to 
go  by  night  and  secretly  get  behind  the 
_'>^  White  Legs  and  tear  them  to  pieces. 

And  there  was  a  great  fight.  The  hun- 
gry Black  Legs  fought  to  untie  the  Han- 
dle, and  the  Devil's  Pink  Eyed  Cheap 
Bargain  Counter  Dogs  helped  them. 
And  so  it  came  to  pass  that  the  White 
Legs  were  driven  away;  and  some  hastened  to  pull  off  the  White 
Labels  and  mingle  with  the  Black  Legs,  and  scrambled  to  get 
back  to  the  Handle. 

And  at  the  going  down  of  the  sun  the  rope  was  broken  ;  and 
the  handle,  untied,  was  going  like  mad.  And  Pharaoh  Phrique 
and  the  Brethren  were  holding  a  praise  meeting  around  the 
Tank,  and  giving  God  thanks  that  He  had  so  signally  made 
bare  His  mighty  arm  and  scattered  their  enemies,  who  had 
come  so  near  breaking  up  the  Foundations  of  Society. 

So  the  poor  dogs,  with  broken  hearts  and  broken  hopes,  did 
grind  on  and  on  for  many  days,  and  the  victory  of  the  Mon- 
strous Fleas  seemed  to  be  complete. 

It  came  to  pass,  however,  that  a  new  hope  sprang  up  among 
the  toilers  at  the  Handle.  Owing  to  their  incessant  occupation 
during  their  long  days,  they  had  no  leisure  to  think,  but  they 
gathered  together  duriug  the  short  night  to  growl  and  snarl, 
and  damn  things  in  general  and  greedy  fleas  in  particular. 
They  schemed  and  plotted  many  remedies  which  all  came  to 
naught. 


THE  DOGS  AND  THE  FI.EAS.  ^» 


But  one  night,  one  of  the  dogs  that  had  a  big  head  and  looied 

tohavewisdon,   got  up  and  said:     "Brethren,    I    do  percewe 

hat  an  these  violent  n>ethods  of  rertify.ng  ""JJ^S^'^J'^ 

NOW,  I  pray  yon,  ^o'^^^^^:' ^JZl^eT'X    r     /e  tL'r 
few   why  then  are  we  not  tbeir  masierb.      ^^    ^ 

av'es  ^     I  know  that  fleas  have  been  divinely  ordained  to  find 
us  employment,  and  dogs  to  serve  themin  ^^e  Fear  of  God 
for  even  so  hath  the  much-salaned  barker  m  the  Church  ot 
Se  Fleas  -the  great  Reverend  Tee  de  Little  ^^^  B^athersk^t 
told  us    and  he  knoweth  a  thing  or  two  about   God  s  pur 
~ses      But    as  the  same  much-salaried  barker  also  sa.th,  they 
were  ordained  to  be  kind  to  us  and  treat  us  w.th  justice  and 
Tercy      But    brethren,  ve  know   that  they   do   treat   us  mos 

devufshly      Now  all  thi's  comes  to  pass  because  they  do  not 
devilishly,     r^ow,  ^^^^^   ^^^^^_ 

^"iZsZ::!  iri^rthrTn;  if  we  had  some  regular  and 
orderly  method  of  telling  them  how  many  we  are,  and  wha 
we  tlk  of  them,  they  would  surely  give  heed  unto  our 
Tries  and  demands,  for  we  are  many-very  many.  If  we 
conld  authoritatively -««//--7«/.-z.^y,  ^-^^-"' -  ^  J,", 
them  our  Will,  they  would  surely  ameliorate  our  lot  and  treat 
usTith  generosity  And  when  they  have  once  been  m^  e  to 
know  what  is  the  Expressed  Will  of  the  Dogs  they  will  see 
that't  is  Public  Opinion  and  will  bow  to  it.     Thus,  uiy  breth- 

^^rdlnle'o^h'e^Ss  arose  on  their  hind  legs  and  cried  in  a 
grfat  chorus:     "It  is  an    Inspiration,  it  is  an  Inspiration,   it 

"Ttthrif  Teing  that  his  idea  was  well  received,  was 
encot  dtS;:::^,  "Brethren,  this  idea  is  far  better  than 
the  Wh!te  Label  idea,  or  that  of  lengthening  the  Handle 
Thosrmethods  are  merely  empirical  nostrums  and  expedients 
but  this  is  a  radical  remedy  and  a  perfect  cure.  Now  behoM 
the  application  of  it.  I  have  ^-ented  a  device  jh.h  ^  call 
the  "Will  of  the  Dogs  Expresser."     It  is  a  Uttie  dox 


46  THE   DOGS   AND  THR   FLKAS. 

little  slot  in  the  top  thereof,  and  hath  a  bottom  that  opeueth  by 
way  of  a  little  trap  door  into  a  long  shute,  I  propose  to  fix  up 
the  slotted  box  right  near  the  Handle  of  the  Mill  (with  the 
sanction,  of  course,  of  the  owners  thereof)  so  that  the  long  shute 
shall  reach  right  down  to  where  the  big  fleas  sit.  And  it  shall 
be  that  on  certain  days  (by  permission  of  the  fleas)  every  dog 
shall  receive  a  little  strip  of  paper  on  which  he  shall  write  his 
Will  (if  he  have  one),  and  shall  fold  it  up  and  drop  it  through 
the  little  slot  into  the  little  box.  And  it  shall  be  that  when  the 
little  box  is  full  some  one  shall  pull  down  the  little  trap  door 
in  the  bottom  thereof,  when  the  load  of  papers  shall  go  in  a 
thundering  avalanche  down  the  shute  into  the  midst  of  the  fleas 
around  the  Tank,  and  they  shall  know  that  the  Will  of  the 
Dogs  Expresser  hath  spoken.  Then  shall  the  fleas  sort  out  the 
bits  of  paper,  and  it  shall  be  that  if  there  be  more  bits  of  paper 
that  will  one  thing,  than  there  are  that  will  another  thing,  then 
the  thing  willed  on  the  greater  number  shall  be  done.  Thus 
ye  see,  my  brethren,  we  may  will  whatsoever  we  will,  and  the 
greater  will  shall  be  done.  Therefore  brethren,  whatsoever 
evils  we  suffer  for  the  future,  will  be  all  due  to  our  own  fault." 
And  all  the  dogs  approved  the  plan,  and  sent  a  committee 
down  next  day  to  the  fleas  to  see  if  they  had  any  objections  to 
the  new  invention.  And  to  the  delight  of  the  dogs,  the  big  fleas 
said  they  thought  it  an  excellent  idea,  that  reflected  great  credit 
on  the  inventor  thereof,  and  he  ought  to  be  rewarded  by 
appointment  to  the  place  of  Chucker-in-in-Chief  at  the  hopper, 
and  they  thought  the  plan  would  be  a  very  healthy  form  of 
amusement  for  the  dogs,  and  would  tend  to  Good  Order  and  the 
Stability  of  Institutions,  and  they  wished  all  success  to  the 
Expresser.  Furthermore,  they  graciously  offered  to  do  the 
rc««//«^  of  the  papers  at  the  bottom  of  the  shute;  and  they 
even  went  so  far  as  to  graciously  condescend  to  be  the  Public 
Servants  of  the  dogs  at  the  Handle,  and  do  anything  the  dogs, 
by  their  Expresser,  might  order  them  to  do,  saying  that,  seeing 
fleas  had  all  wealth  and  leisure  and  power  and  respectability. 


THE    DOGS   AND   THE   FLEAS.  47 

none  could  be  so  fit  to  carry  out  effectively  the  Will  of  the 
Dogs. 

But  what  astounded  the  dogs  with  an  astonishment  that 
struck  them  blind  and  dumb,  was  that  the  fleas  begged  the  dogs 
to  allow  them  the  privilege  of  becoming  their  Equals  on  the 
great  Paper  Dropping  Day,  and  drop  their  little  Wills  into  the 
little  box  with  the  little  slot  in  it. 

So  the  committee  returned  and  reported  the  gracious  way  in 
which  they  had  been  received,  the  wonderful  affability  of  the 
fleas,  and  their  condescension  in  offering  themselves  as  the  Ser- 
vants of  the  dogs. 

Whereupon  the  dogs  did  rejoice  with  exceeding  great  joy 
that  they  had  at  last  found  a  Sovereign  Remedy  for  their  sor- 


CHAPTER  IX. 


How  THE  WiLI,  OF  THE  DOGS    EXPRESSER    WORKED.— ThE 

Solemn  Mummery  Committee.— How  it  Inquired  very 
Extensively  into  the  Condition  of  the  Dogs.— Quar- 
rel Between  the 
High  Pressure 
Nighuntos  and 
Low  Pressure  Far- 
aways.-wonderful 
Double  Back  Ac- 
tion OF  the  Little 
Box  WITH  the 
Little  Slot  in  it. 


^^t  V'-N      ^,J        box  A 


the  dogs  set  up  the  little 
I  the  little  slot  in  it ;  and 
ipou  a  day  appointed  they  went 
every  one  and  dropped  into  it  little 
papers,  upon  some  of  which  was  written  that  the  fleas  must  in- 
quire into  the  hard  condition  of  the  dogs,  with  a  view  to  amelior- 
ating it ;  and  on  some  it  was  written  that  the  fleas  need  not 
inquire  into  their  condition,  with  a  view,  etc.,  for  there  were 
some  dogs  that  were  afraid  to  have  a  Will,  lest  it  should  be 
known  that  they  had  expressed  it  and  should  be  discharged 
from  the  Handle. 

So  when  all  the  papers  had  been  dropped  through  the  slot 
^nd  the  box  was  full,  the  trap  in  the  bottom  thereof  was  pulled, 

48 


THE   DOGS   AND  THE   FLEAS. 


49 


and  the  load  of  papers  went  down  in  a  thundering  avalanche  by 
the  shute  into  the  midst  of  the  fleas.  And  the  fleas  sorted  them 
and  counted  them,  and  one  arose  and  said,  "Oyez  !  Oyez  !  the 
Will  of  the  Dogs  Expresser  hath  spoken  and  there  is  a  Great 
Majority ;  and  the  Great  Majority  commandeth  that  we,  as 
their  Public  Servants,  do  forthwith  inquire  into  the  hard  con- 
dition of  the  dogs  at  the  Handle,  with  a  view  to  ameliorating  it. 


We  must  therefore  bow  to  the  Mandate,   and  look  into  their 
condition,  with  a  view,  etc." 

Thereupon  the  fleas  did  immediately  appoint  a  Solemn  Mum- 
mery Committee  to  take  with  them  telescopes  and  microscopes, 
spectacles  and  eye-glasses  to  go  and  look  into  the  condition  of 
the  dogs,  with  a  view,  etc.  And  when  the  dogs  saw  them  com- 
ing they  barked  propitiatingly  and  wagged  their  tails  delightedly 
to  see  the  fleas  come  at  the  Mandate  of  the  Expresser,  and  they 
prophesied  great  good  things  of  comfort  to  come  of  it. 


50  THE   DOGS   AND  THE   ELEAS. 

And  the  fleas  did  look  iuto  their  condition.  Some  stood  afar 
off  and  viewed  the  grinding  dogs  through  their  telescopes,  and 
made  notes  of  what  they  saw  ;  and  some,  with  their  microscopes 
got  quite  near  and  closely  examined  their  prominent  ribs  and 
sore  backs  and  blood-shot  eyes  and  their  generally  measly 
appearance,  and  made  voluminous  notes  ;  while  the  rest  made 
general  surveys  through  their  spectacles  and  eye-glasses,  and 
made  notes. 

Thus  did  the  Committee  gather  a  huge  Mass  of  Statistics 
which  they  promised  the  dogs  they  would  Publish,  which  prom- 
ise made  the  dogs  to  dance  for  joy. 

And  after  many  days  the  fleas  rolled  up  what  they  called  a 
Volume,  bulky  with  Facts  and  Figures,  and  fat  with  Platitudes 
and  Suggestions  concerning  the  amelioration  of  the  grievous 
condition  of  the  Handle  Turning  Dogs,  which  the  Volume 
called  the  Great  Question  of  the  Day. 

And  the  fleas  sent  up  a  bill  to  the  dogs  which  recited  that  this 
great  Volume,  gotten  up  for  their  benefit,  had  cost  the  fleas  an 
enormous  amount  of  time  and  labor  which  must  be  recouped 
unto  them  by  the  dogs,  and  that  it  would  require  the  dogs  to 
grind  an  hour  a  day  more  for  one  year. 

So  the  dogs  did  grind  and  sigh  an  hour  a  day  more,  but  had 
great  faith  in  the  Will  Expresser  which 

li  *  *  *  Jioved  iu  a  mysterious  way, 
Its  wonders  to  perform." 


In  process  of  time  there  came  about  a  grave  quarrel  among 
the  fleas  around  the  Tank,  and  they  began  to  call  each  other 
names.  The  quarrel  began  by  those  farthest  away  from  the 
Spout  getting  jealous  of  those  that  sat  nearest  thereto,  for  they 
said  those  that  sat  nigh  unto  got  a  better  chance  to  help  them- 
selves to  the  blood,  and  consequently  got  fatter  than  those  that 
gat  far  away,  which  those  sitting  nearest  declared  to  be  all  non- 


THE    DOGS   AND   THE   FI.EAS.  5t 

sense  and  a  libel  on  their  honors.  Nevertheless,  it  so  happened 
that  they  did  get  fatter  and  bigger  than  those  that  sat  farther 
away  ;  and  though  they  disclaimed  violently  that  their  extra 
fatness  was  due  to  their  proximity  to  the  Spout  they  did  not 
volunteer  to  change  places  with  the  farther  off  oues.  Therefore 
the  Faraways — who  were  nearly  all  Low  Pressurists — began  to 
push  and  shove  to  get  up  near  to  the  Spout,  and  the  Nighuntos 
— who  were  mostly  High  Pressurists — did  push  and  shove  to 
maintain  their  places,  not,  said  they,  because  they  wanted  to 
sit  nigh  unto  the  Spout,  but  as  a  matter  of  Principle,  because 
they  were  the  lineal  descendants  of  a  Grand  Old  Party  of  High 
Pressure  Suckers  that  had  once,  a  many  years  before,  rushed  to 
the  rescue  and  salvation  of  the  Spout,  when  a  lot  of  Low  Pres- 
sure Suckers,  the  lineal  ancestors  of  the  present  pesky  Low 
Pressurists,  had  made  a  dastardly  and  traitorous  attempt  to 
break  it  off  and  cripple  the  Mill. 

And  there  was  a  mighty  shoving  ;  and  the  Nighuntos  indig- 
nantly said  unto  the  Faraways,  "  Whom  are  ye  a  shoving  of  ?  " 
And  much  bad  temper  was  shown,  and  upon  several  occasions 
divers  of  them  got  hurt. 

Then  did  some  of  the  acute  Faraways  hit  upon  a  way  of 
strengthening  themselves  to  shove  the  Nighuntos  away  from  the 
Spout  and  get  there  themselves.  Said  they,  "  Why  not  get  the 
dogs  to  help  us  to  shove?"  So  they  sent  secretly  for  the 
inventor  of  the  Will  of  the  Dogs  Expresser  and  said  unto  him, 
"  Lo  !  We  be  Dog  Admirers,  and  believe  that  your  hard  con- 
dition should  be  ameliorated.  It  is  quite  plain  to  any  thinking 
mind  that  your  long  days  of  grinding  at  the  Handle  and  your 
bloodless  condition  are  due  to  those  cruelly  greed}'  Nighuntos 
that  sit  close  up  to  the  Spout.  They  are  never  satisfied.  The 
Tank  does  not  require  half  the  blood  that  flows  into  it.  All  the 
rest,  these  suckers  deliberately  appropriate  for  their  own  private 
fattening. 

"  Now  if  zve  sat  near  the  Spout  we  would  reduce  the  flow  of 
blood  to  the  requirements  of  the  Tank,  "economically  admin^ 


52  THE   DOGS   AND   THE    FLEAS. 

istered,'^  and  would  cause  all  that  uow  unnecessarily  flows  into 
it  to  be  given  to  the  dogs  at  the  Handle,  lo  whotn  it  rightfully 
belongs.  Thus  will  the  number  of  your  hours  of  toil  be  reduced. 
Promise  us  therefore  that  the  next  time  ye  use  your  great  and 
ever  blessed  Expresser,  ye  will  send  a  thundering  avalanche  of 
papers  down  the  shute  ordering  the  Nighuutos  to  get  away  from 
the  Spout,  and  us  Faraways  to  take  their  places.  So  shall 
your  hard  condition  be  ameliorated  indeed." 

And  the  Inventor,  with  his  tail  brandished  on  high,  ran  back 
to  his  fellow  toilers  at  the  Handle,  crying,  "Joy  !  Joy  !  Deliver- 
ance !  Behold  ;  the  Faraways,  who  are  our  friends,  have  prom- 
ised that  if  we  will  order  the  Nighuutos,  by  the  Will  of  the  Dogs 
Expresser,  to  give  place  at  the  Spout  to  the  Faraways,  they  will 
administer  the  Tank  and  the  Spout  hi  our  inieresty 

But  the  Nighuntos  got  to  hear  that  the  Faraways  had  made  a 
treaty  of  mutual  help  with  the  dogs.  So  they  sent  a  delegation 
up  to  the  grinders,  saying,  "Be  not  deceived;  these  Faraway 
IvOw  Pressurists  are  frauds.  Their  love  for  you  is  all  in  our  eye. 
They  wish  to  get  nigh  unto  the  Spout  only  for  to  make  them- 
selves fat.  And  what  is  more,  we  know  that  they  are  traitors  to 
dogs  in  general  and  to  you  Handle  Turners  in  particular,  for  we 
have  discovered  that  they  have  been  engaged  for  a  long  time  in 
a  dastardly  plot  to  break  down  this  Infant  Industry  of  dog 
grinding,  in  which  you  and  we  are  mutually  interested,  and  to 
uproot  this  whole  Mill  from  its  foundations,  and  sell  it  and  the 
Handle — by  the  turning  of  which  ye  are  maintained  in  constant 
employment  at  high  wages — to  your  enemies  the  pauper  dogs 
of  Kyhidom,  who  will  thus  turn  you  out  of  employment,  to 
wander  about  seeking  for  a  Handle  to  turn  and  finding  none. 
Therefore,  do  not  listen  to  the  plausible  lies  they  tell ;  but 
remember  that  Dogs  at  the  Handle  and  Fleas  at  the  Tank  are 
ONE  and  retain  us  close  to  the  Spout — us,  who  are  its  Natural 
Guardians,  and  who  were  its  Shield  and  Salvation  in  its  Hour  of 
Peril  in  the  time  past — and  ye  shall  have  more  steady  employ- 
ment than  ever.    Be  wise,  and  set  yoiir  faces  as  flint  against  this 


The  dogs  and  the  fleas.  53 

eohspirac}.  Let  your  watchword  be  'High  Wag.  aud  Pro- 
tection to  our  Native  Handle  Turners."  They  be  hars  aud  the 
partv  of  immoral  ideas  ,  aud  are  merely  Dog  Admirers.  But  -jve 
be  the  Only  Original  Truth  Speakers  and  Dog  Worshippers." 

And  it  was  so  that  the  words  of  the  Only  Original  Truth 
Speakers  sank  deeply  into  the  hearts  of  the  Handle  Turners  ; 
aud  great  fear  and  discumfuzzlement  fell  upon  many  of  them. 
And  they  were  divided  in  opinion.  Some  said  the  Dog  Wor- 
shippers spake  wisely,  for  all  knew  that  the  dogs  of  Kyhidom 
had  always  been  their  enemies  ;  and  no  doubt  it  was  true  that 
the  dogs  of  Kyhidom  had  seduced  the  Faraway  L,ow  Pressure 
Dog  Admirers  to  sell  the  Mill  and  take  away  the  Handle.  And 
others  said  that  the  Dog  Worshippers  must  be  a  greedy,  uncon- 
scionable lot  of  Suckers  who  made  large  pretenses  of  friendship 
and  love  to  the  Handle  Turners  simply  to  retain  their  fat  positions 
at  the  Spout,  since  no  one,  under  the  most  rigid  scrutiny  and 
cross-examination,  had  ever  been  able  to  adduce  the  twenty 
thousand  millionth  part  of  an  instance  where  a  High  Pressure 
Sucker  had  ever  sought  anything  other  than  the  enlargement  of 
his  own  private  and  particular  paunch. 

So  when  the  great  Paper  Dropping  Day  came  around  there 
■was  much  barking  and  snarling  and  wrangling  as  to  who  ought 
to  be  placed  near  the  Spout ;  and  the  two  sets  of  fleas  were 
trembling  between  great  hopes  and  great  fears;  and  each  set 
shouted  its  hardest  to  the  dogs  to  be  wise  and  to  be  faithful  to 
their  own  best  interests  by  dropping  their  papers  for  it  in  the 
slot  of  the  little  Expresser. 

And  there  was  much  noise  and  confusion  during  the  filling  of 
the  little  box.  And  when  the  little  trap  door  was  pulled  and  the 
papers  went  in  a  thundering  avalanche  down  the  shute,  each  set 
of  fleas  tried  to  run  away  with  the  Great  Majority  regardless  of 
what  was  written  upon  them.  But  after  much  fighting  it  was 
finally  declared  that  the  Great  Majority  of  Wills  was  for  the 
Faraways  to  sit  up  near  the  Spout,  and  for  the  Nighuntos  to 
get  far  away.    Then  did  both  the  Faraways  and  Nighuntos  rise 


1*HE  DOGS  AND  THE   EtEAS.  55 

Up  and  beautifully  make  obeisance  to  the  Expressed  Will  of 
the  Dogs  ,  the  heretofore  Faraways  bowiug  even  to  the  ground  ; 
but  the  heretofore  Nighuutos  merely  inclined  their  noses,  and 
and  said  "  Damn  "  in  soliloquial  whispers. 

So  the  Faraways  got  up  close  to  the  Spout  and  became  the 
Nighuntos,  and  the  Nighuntos  were  shoved  to  the  lower  end  of 
the  Tank  and  became  the  Faraways,  and  began  in  /heir  turn  to 
hustle  and  shove  and  charge  the  Nighuntos  with  selfishly  using 
the  Spout  to  make  themselves  fat. 

And  the  dogs  of  the  Majority  were  very  happy,  and  took  a 
day  off  (by  gracious  permission  of  the  new  Nighuntos)  to  bark 
and  stand  on  their  heads  and  buin  fuel  and  make  great  smoke 
and  stench,  and  do  other  idiotic  things  to  show  the  great  joy 
they  felt  at  having  put  another  set  of  suckers  near  the  Spout. 

Then  they  returned  to  diligeiitlj'  turn  the  Handle  and  hope 
for  great  good  times.     Which  came  not. 

And  after  many  days  of  the  same  old  grind,  being  taunted  by 
the  dogs  of  the  Minority  who  every  morning  said,  "We  told 
you  so,"  and  every  evening  said,  "Thus  did  we  prophesy  unto 
you,"  the  dogs  of  the  Majority  sent  down  to  ask  the  new  Nigh- 
untos about  what  time  the  dogs  at  the  Handle  might  expect  the 
peep  of  the  Better  Day  and  the  fruition  of  the  Promises? 

To  which  the  Nighunto  Dog  Admirers  solemnly  made  answer 
that  they  had  made  the  fearful  discovery  that  the  tank  was  on 
two  bases,  one  of  gold  and  the  other  of  silver,  and  that  the 
Silver  Basis  had  shrunk  and  got  so  dreadfully  awry  that  the 
Tank  had  fallen  all  askew  on  that  side,  and  was  in  danger  of 
capsizing  altogether,  so  that  they  were  all  in  a  dreadful  stew, 
and  had  to  give  all  their  attention  to  the  Great  Question  of  get- 
ting it  into  position  again  on  a  Single  Gold  Basis  that  would 
command  their  Confidence,  and  never,  never,  never  give  way 
again,  and  that  all  mere  dog  starvation  and  trouble  were  trivial- 
ities compared  to  the  great  overshadowing  need  of  saving  the 
Tank  from  ruin.  Besides,  the  Faraway  Dog  Worshippers  were 
now  in  control  of  the  lower  end  of  the  Tank,  and  had,  previous 


66 


THE   DOGS   AND  THE    FLEAS. 


to  its  slipping  with  its  Silver  Basis,  wickedly  bored  a  hole  itl 
it  and  drawn  off  the  Surplus,  and  were  in  other  ways  most 
unpatriotically  hampering  the  Dog  Admirers  in  their  efforts  to 
economize  and  reduce  the  Stream  ;  that  there  was  a  Great 
Deficiency  to  be  made  up,  and  that  it  would  be  some  years  at 
least  before  they  would  be  in  a  Position  to  effect  much  Reform, 
and  that  for  the  present  it  was  absolutely  necessary  for  the 
dogs  to  make  up  the  Great  Deficiency  in  the  Tank,  and  must 
grind  an  hour  a  day  longer  for  at  least  a  year. 

Which  caused  the  dogs  to  go  sadly  back  to  their  hungry 
turning  of  the  Handle,  and  to  wonder  why  the  great  Will  of  the 
Dogs  Expresser  required  so  much  eternity  its  wonders  to 
perform. 


CHAPTER  X. 


Dearth  of  Dogs. — The  Blood  Stream  Begins  to  Fail. 
—Scheme   to    Recruit   from   Hungryland. — How   it 
Worked  to  the  Destruction  of  the  White  Leg  Asso- 
ciation, AND  THE  Little  Box  with  the 
^^^^^  ^     Little  Slot  in  it. 

ND  it  came  to  pass  that  there  began  to  be  visible 
a  slackening  of  the  Stream  at  the  Spout,  for  the 
great  greed  of  the  fleas  around  the  Tank  was 
using  up  both  the  supply  of  dogs  available  for 
chucking  in,   and   the    strength   of  the  weary- 
toilers  at  the  Handle. 
Which  caused  a  great  fear  to  fall  on  the   Brethren.     But  one 
of  them,  less  blind,  though  not  less  greedy,  than  the   others, 
called  their  attention  to  the  State  of  Things. 

"See  ye  not,  my  brethren,"  said  he,  "that  the  Stream  fail- 
eth  ?  The  arc  it  describeth  is  not  so  large  as  aforetime,  which 
meaneth  that  the  hopper  above  is  not  replenished  to  its  full 
capacity,  which  further  meaneth  that  either  those  rascally 
chuckcrs-in  are  not  doing  their  full  duty,  or  that  the  supply  of 
dogs  to  chuck  in  is  running  low." 

This  discovery  filled  the  other  Brethren  with  terror,  and  they 
looked  first  at  their  own  big  and  bloated  bodies — which  by  this 
time  had  become  mere  featureless  blood  bags — and  then  at  the 
Stream,  so  visibly  running  low,  and,  trembling  with  a  coward 
fear,  cried  out:  "Oh,  who  will  save  us  from  perishing?  For 
the  Blood  is  our  life  and  it  faileth.  Oh,  pestilence,  fury  and 
plague,  we  shall  grow  less/  Oh,  we  don't  mind  bursting  with 
bigness  ;  but  oh,  to  grow  imie  again  !  Oh  !  all  is  vanity  under  the 

57 


58  THE   DOGS  AND  THE  FLEAS. 

Sun  !  We  did  think  that  Providence,  for  whom  we  have  done 
so  much,  would  have  given  us  this  day  our  daily  dogs  to  griud. 
But  He  has  gone  back  on  us.  Us,  brethren,  who  never  went 
back  on  Him  and  never  let  his  churches  want  for  any  good 
thing.     All  is  lost !  lost !  !  lost  !  !  !  " 

And  they  bewailed  and  lamented  sore  ;  and  one,  at  the  con- 
templation of  his  possible  shrinkage,  went  temporarily  insane 
and  waddled  out  and  killed  himself. 

Bui  the  Discoverer  spoke  up  and  said  :  "Allay  your  fears, 
and  assuage  your  grief,  my  brethren  ;  all  is  not  lost  by  a  long 
chalk.  I  have  excogitated  a  Scheme  w  hich  I  think  will  work. 
Behold  !  are  there  not  more  dogs  on  the  earth  than  the  dogs  of 
Canisville  ?  Yea,  veiily  !  dogs  more  weary,  languid  and  sore 
distressed  than  they  ?  I  have  heard  that  in  Hungryland,  over 
the  pond,  away  beyond  Kyhidom,  are  millions  of  dogs  who  are 
dreadfully  flea-bitten  and  exhausted,  who  would  think  it  getting 
verily  to  heaven  if  they  could  come  here  and  get  such  bountiful 
wages  as  w'e  allow  to  our  grinding  dogs. 

"  Go  to,  now.  Let  us  send  forth  apostle  dogs  to  Hurgryland 
that  shall  tell  the  dogs  there  of  the  wonderful  heaven  of  peace 
and  joy  and  plenty  in  the  West;  of  the  Great  Wages  paid  to 
honest  toil,  thrift  and  temperance  ;  of  the  Boundless  Opportun- 
ities open  to  honest  ambition  ;  of  the  Liberty  there,  and  the 
Absolute  Equality  of  the  Rich  and  Poor  before  the  Law  ;  how  in 
that  wonderful  laud  the  Dogs  and  not  the  Fleas  do  the  govern- 
ing, and  set  up  and  pull  down  their  Public  Servants  at  their 
own  sweet  will  and  pleasure,  by  means  of  the  little  box  with  the 
little  slot  in  it.  And  let  the  apostles  hold  up  aloft  the  brilliant 
example  of  our  dearly  beloved  brother,  Saint  Andronicus  Car- 
nivorous, who  came  over  from  North  Kyhidom  as  mean  a  dog 
as  any  of  them,  and  all  by  his  own  unaided  Toil  and  Thrift  and 
Temperance — without  even  the  blessing  of  God,  in  whom  he 
taketh  no  stock — put  himself  through  the  Great  Transforma- 
tion and  became  as  big  and  bloated  a  flea  as  the  most  excellent 
of  us,  and  wrote  a  Book.     And  let  them  say  that  he  is  not  the 


THE  DOGS  AND  THE   FLEAS. 


59 


'til i'SJ/k 


/m'ff 


only  example  by  many  thousands  of  the  Illimitable  Possibilities 
of  this  land ;  and  they  will  come  rushing  over  by  thousands, 
and  our  chuckers-in  shall  seize  them.  Thus  shall  the  hopper 
of  our  prosperity  be  replenished  with  an  everlasting  supply,  and 
the  former  bigness  of  the  Blood  Stream  be  restored — aye,  more 
than  restored,  for  we  will  enlarge  the  Spout  and  widen  and 
deepen  the  hopper  and  elongate  the  Handle,  and  the  rushing 
thousands  from  Huugryland  will  fight  for  a  chance  to  grind. 

"  Thus  shall  we  have  more  dogs  to  be  ground  up  and  more 
dogs  to  grind  them,  and  as  there  will  always  be  standing  around 
the  Handle  a  vast  multitude  licking  their  chops  in  hope  of  see- 
ing the  grinders  faint  and  fall,  we  shall  be  able  to  diminish  our 
great  expenses  by  reducing  the  great  quantity  of  blood  we  are 
now  compelled  by  cruel  circumstances  to  put  on  the  end  of  the 
needle — which  is  a  great  imposition.  So  shall  the  blood  spurt 
out  in  great  style,  and  we  will  have  a  larger  Tank,  so  that  more 
fleas  can  sit  around  it ;  and  we  will  drink  and  drink  and  grow 


60  THE  DOGS  AND  THE  FLEAS. 

and  grow  and  become  so  great  as  never  was.  And  then  will  we 
put  down  the  insolence  of  those  white-legged  dogs,  who  have 
so  often  troubled  us  by  entering  into  unconstitutional  conspira- 
cies to  hamper  us  and  overthrow  the  liberties  of  free  born  dogs 
to  make  free  contracts  with  us  to  grind  for  the  wages  we  offer. 
Having  handy  so  many  thousands  of  Black  Legs,  we  will  not 
need  the  White  Legs  any  more,  but  will  have  them  all  chucked 
into  the  hopper.  Morever,  I  think,  we  will  be  able,  with  all 
this  inexhaustible  supply  of  blood  coming  in,  to  heal  our  inter- 
nal disagreements  and  sink  all  our  little  superficial  distinctions 
of  Low  Pressurists  and  High  Pressurists,  and  truly  appear  what 
we  really  are — One  Common  Family  of  Blood  Drinkers;  for  there 
will  then  be  blood  enough  for  each  and  all  of  us.  Then  will 
we,  working  together  as  One  United  Family  abolish  that  infer- 
nal nuisance  of  the  little  box  with  the  little  slot  in  it.  Ye  all 
know,  brethren,  that  the  daj'  off  which  the  dogs,  through  the 
unbecoming  schism  amongst  ourselves,  take  to  work  the  Will 
of  the  Dogs  Expresser,  is  a  dead  loss  to  us  in  the  cessation  of 
the  grind.  I  appeal  to  you,  brethren,  to  consider  the  great  loss 
we  suffer  ;  calculate  the  number  of  dogs  that  might  be  chucked 
in  during  the  twenty-four  hours  spent  in  the  wicked  and  waste- 
ful amusement  of  Paper  Dropping,  and  the  further  loss  accru- 
ing from  the  lazy  turning  of  the  Handle  next  day,  owing  to  the 
enervating  and  mind  distracting  hilarity  of  the  previous  day. 
Let  us  then  be  wise  and  consult  our  best  interest.  Thus  Breth- 
ren shall  w^e  have  a  time,  times  and  half  a  time  of  fatness,  ease 
and  prosperity." 

These  words  brought  joy  and  hope  to  the  Brethren  ;  and  all 
said  the  suggestions  of  the  Discoverer  were  as  the  turning 
inside  out  of  the  Dark  Cloud  to  show  its  Silver  Lining;  some 
called  them  a  Providential  Relief ;  and  some  said  they  went  to 
show  that  this  world  was  run  by  the  Creator  on  the  principle  of 
Universal  Harmony  and  the  Compensation  Balance,  in  that 
what  one  part  thereof  lacked  another  supplied. 


The;  dogs  and  the  fleaS.  61 

Saint  Andronicus  Carnivorous  was  the  only  one  not  entirely 
enthusiastic.  He  arose  and  cautiously  said,  "Brethren,  the 
proposition  of  our  dear  brother,  the  Discoverer,  lacketh  nothing 
that  is  highly  to  be  approved.  No  doubt  it  will  be  highly  profit- 
able to  us,  and  therein  I  am  heartily  with  him— esoecially  in 
that  part  relating  to  the  abolition  of  the  wicked  White  Legs, 
and  the  unwholesome  box  with  the  little  slot  in  it.  But  I  want 
you  to  give  me  a  guarantee  that  there  will  be  no  danger  in  it  to 
me.  You  know  I  have  a  Reputation  which  is  very  dear  to  me  ; 
and  if  these  Hungry  Dogs  come  here  and  find  the  Truth  is  not 
as  preached,  they  will  reproach  me  as  one  of  you.  and  so  I  and 
my  Reputation  and  my  Book  will  fall  into  contempt,  and  they 
may  go  even  so  far  as  to  call  me  a  Hypocrite.  Therefore  I 
would  rather  not  be  seen  in  the  matter  ;  and  so,  will  hie  me 
away  until  the  reproach  be  over." 

To  which  the  others  made  answer  that  there  was  very  little 
danger  or  reproach  in  the  scheme  ;  that  the  Hungry  Dogs  would 
get  all  the  disappointment,  the  apostles  all  the  reproach,  and  the 
fleas  all  the  profit  ;  but  that  to  be  on  the  safe  side  Saint  Andron- 
icus had  better  go  away  over  the  pond  and  lie   low,  and  they 

would  find  some  one  of  a  Don't-care-a-d disposition,  like 

Brother  Pharaoh  Phrique,  to  carry  out  the  scheme,  particularly 
the  abolition  of  the  White  Legs  and  the  flinging  of  them  into 
the  hopper. 

And  it  was  so  that  Carnivorous  did  go  away  and  lie  low  ;  and 
the  apostles  did  go  out  into  all  the  world  of  the  Hungry  Dogs 
and  preach  the  Gospel  of  Lies  ;  and  the  Hungry  Dogs  were 
beguiled  and  came  over  and  brought  their  great  hunger  with 
them,  and  by  their  great  ferocity  the  White  Legs  were  wrenched 
away  from  the  Handle  and  thrown  by  the  chuckers-in  into  the 
hopper. 

And  in  that  day  the  Low  Pressure  Dog  Admirers  and  the  High 
Pressure  Dog  Worshippers  were  made  friends  again  and  became 
One  ;  and  they  ordered  the  Hungry  Dogs  to  break  up  the  bos 
with  the  little  slot  in  it  and  burn  it  with  fire  ;  and  the  Mill  was 


66  THE  DOGS  AND  THE  FLEAS. 

enlarged  ;  and  the  Stream  was  thicker  and  strongei  than  ever  ; 
and  the  Tank  was  enlarged  ;  and  the  United  Fleas  sat  around 
and  drank  themselves  fuller,  and  grew  so  big  that  they  shut 
out  the  sky  and  the  light  of  the  Sun  ;  and  by  reason  thereof 
a  great  and  deadly  darkness  came  over  the  land,  and  in  the 
shadow  thereof  all  plants  of  the  light,  such  as  Honesty,  Truth, 
Liberty,  and  Municipal,  State  and  National  Rectitude,  went 
mouldy  and  rotten  ;  and  the  big,  over-bloated  fleas,  by  reason 
of  their  great  gluttony,  grew  leprous  and  stank,  and  their  evil 
odor  filled  the  air  ;  wherefore  great  sickness  and  plagues  broke 
out  everywhere,  which  carried  off  many  dogs  and  some  fleas. 

And  through  all  this  evil  time  the  dogs  ground  and  fainted 
and  sighed  and  howled,  and  sent  up  blasphemies  and  curses  and 
prayers  to  a  Heaven  that  was  very  deaf  to  them,  but  was  appar- 
ently ver>'  good  to  the  monstrosities  that  sat  around  the  Tank. 


CHAPTER  Xl. 

Hei.1,   and   Chaos   in    Canisville.— Tramp  Dogs. — Rise 

OF    THE    ApoL,OGIST    PHILOSOPHERS. — WHATSOEVER    IS    IS 

Right. — Their  Proverb  Foundry. 


HAOS  reigned  in  Cauisville.  Hell  seemed  to  have 
grown  so  hungry  for  victims  that  it  had  not  patience 
to  wait  for  the  coming  down  of  the  dogs  to  ii,  in 
the  natural  course  of  time,  but  had  gone  up  to  de- 
vour them  on  earth.  Dogs  everywhere  were  the 
property  of  the  fleas,  either  by  direct  settlement  ou 
their  bodies  or  by  deputy.  All  that  were  not  strug- 
gling by  serving  the  Monstrous  Fleas  at  the  Handle 
were  wandering  around  carrying  little  fleas  and  hunting  hard  for 
bones  and  scraps.  The  only  exceptions  were  a  few  obstinate 
headed  and  obdurate  hearted  dogs,  who  had  said  they  would 
have  freedom  at  any  cost.  They  said  they  would  not  turn  that 
infernal  Handle,  neither  would  they  carry  and  maintain  any 
fleas.  So  they  defiantly  went  about  picking  up  scraps,  and 
when  the  little  fleas  came  hopping  onto  them,  and  demanding 
as  their  right  to  suck  out  of  them  the  nutriment  the  scraps 
gave  them,  those  dogs  did  snarl  and  reach  around  for  them  with 
their  teeth  and  violently  shake  them  off. 

Then  did  those  little  fleas  complain  unto  McPoodle  that  there 
were  certain  wicked  dogs  that  objected  to  be  bled  ;  and  McPoodle 
said  he  would  not  stand  it  in  his  dominions  ;  and  the  Monstrous 
Fleas  when  they  heard  about  it,  said  it  was  Robbery  of  the  Little 
Brethren,  and  a  contagious  Bad  Example  that  might  spread 
throughout  Society  ;  and  they  spake  unto  their  salaried  barker 
in  the  Church,  Tee  de  Little  Wit  Blatherskite,  that  he  speak 
over  the  big  book  that  lay  on  the  costly  cushion,  against  the 

63 


64  «        THE   DOGS  AND  THE   FI,EAS. 

sin  of  dogs  stealing  their  own  bodies  away  from  the  bites  of  the 
fleas.  And  the  barker  did  speak,  and  the  good  and  well  be- 
haved dogs  who  carried  their  fleas  and  bore  their  hunger  piously 
did  regard  with  severity  and  high  disapproval  all  those  dogs 
that  shook  their  fleas,  insomuch  that  the  flea  shakers  found 
themselves  in  ill  odor  and  did  withdraw  themselves  from  dog 
society,  and  sought  lonely  places  where  meat  was  scarce  and 
fleas  scarcer. 

Yet  did  not  those  dogs  repine.  They  tramped  and  vagabon- 
dized and  reposed  in  the  sun  and  the  dirt ;  they  grew  very  hairy 
and  very  dirty  and  very  hungry.  But  they  said  they  were 
never  hungrier  than  they  would  have  been  had  they  remained  in 
Good  Society,  and  spent  their  days  hustling  for  fleas,  which,  they 
said,  was  on  the  whole  an  advantage,  as  it  was  much  less  awful 
to  be  idle  and  hungry  than  to  work  one's  life  out  for  others  and 
be  hungry  all  the  same  ;  and  as  for  Public  Opinion,  why,  to  be 
able  to  snooze  in  the  sunshine,  was  worth  any  amount  of  Public 
Opinion  that  left  one's  stomach  insolvent.  They  also  became 
covered  with  vermin,  which  the  flea-covered  and  respectable 
dogs  of  Canisville  shuddered  at ;  but  the  vagabond  dogs  said 
that  carrying  vermin  was  not  half  as  burdensome  or  half  as 
injurious  to  the  health  as  carrying  fleas  ;  and  as  for  getting  their 
living  without  work,  why,  the  Monstrous  Fleas  did  no  work  at 
all  and  were  monstrously  respectable,  and  they  were  going  to  be 
respectable  too ;  all  which  reasoning  the  pious  dogs  said  was 
Sophistry,  and  tended  to  lower  them  still  further  in  the  estim- 
ation of  the  big  fleas  and  other  Good  Society. 

Verily  a  chaotic  state  of  things  prevailed  ;  and  to  the  few  sen- 
sible dogs  that  ever  and  anon  bobbed  up  from  out-of-the  way 
places  to  bark  a  bark  of  protest,  and  then  sink  into  oblivion  or 
be  stoned  out  of  town,  all  things  seemed  upside  down. 

But  as  there  never  was  a  time  in  all  the  world's  history  when 
to  the  Apologist  Philosophers  of  the  times  things  that  were  were 
not  right,  even  so  at  this  chaotic  time  in  Canisyille  there  arose 
the  usual  Apologist  Philosophers  who  took  things  as  they, were, 


THE   DOGS   AND   THE   FLEAfS. 


65 


and  out  of  them  built  a  wonderful  economic  philosophy  most 
beautiful  to  behold,  the  only  trouble  with  which  was  that  when- 
ever anyone  of  the  few  sensible  dogs  would  come  out  of  his  hole 
of  hiding  and  prod  it  with  a  little  weapon  called  Common  Sense, 
the  whole  elaborate  system  would  collapse  and  drop  into  dust. 
Wherefore  the  Apologist  Philosophers  were  aggrieved,  and 
appealed  to  the  Authorities  to  make  it  a  Felony  for  any  unpop- 


ular dog  to  go  about  prodding  philosophical  systems  with  Com- 
mon Sense,  or  to  have  about  him  any  Common  Sense,  which 
was,  they  said,  a  carrying  of  concealed  weapons. 

These  Apologist  Philosophers  were  singular  creatures  and  in- 
sufferably self-conceited,  because  they  had  "got  on  in  the  world" 
as  they  called  it  ;  that  is,  they  were  all  lucky  dogs  who  had 
managed  to  get  fat  by  lying  in  wait  for  and  catching  what  they 


66 


*rHE  DOGS  AND  THE   FI.EAS 


called  "  Chances," — that  is,  stray  scraps  of  meat — and  by  always 
speaking  a  good  word  for  the  big  fleas,  who  rewarded  them  by 
giving  them  a  few  of  their  fellow  dogs  to  eat.  Many  of  them 
made  their  faces  smooth,  and  tied  around  their  necks  white 
bands  called  "Chokers,"  which  gave  them  a  singular  appear- 
ance of  which  they  were  very  vain.  But  their  most  singular 
distinguishment  was  that  they  wore  opaquely  green  spectacles 
and  walked  on  their  fore  feet  and  the  tips  of  their  noses,  with 

their  hind  legs  and 
tails  in  the  air.  This 
uncommon  way  of 
•walking  enabled 
them,  they  said,  to 
get  a  view  of  earthly 
things  totally  differ- 
ent from  that  obtain- 
able by  the  ordinary 
degraded  way  of  go- 
ing on  all  fours,  and 
enabled  them  more 
distinctly  to  see 
things  as  they  appear- 
ed, which  was,  they 
said,  the  philoso- 
phical method,  as 
contra  -  distinguished 
from  the  low,  vulgar, 
altogether  despicable  and  ought-to-be-prohibited  Common 
Sense  method  of  seeing  things  as  they  zuere. 

The  habit  of  these  dogs  was  to  promenade  abroad  by  moonless 
and  starless  night  and  "observe"  through  their  opaquely  green 
spectacles,  and  then  gather  together  by  day  in  what  they  called 
a  "School,"  where,  secluded  from  noise  and  light  and  air,  they 
boiled  down  their  observations  and  ran  them  into  moulds,  the 
results  of  which  operation  they  called  "Maxims,"  "Apothegms" 


THE  DOGS  AND  THE  FLEAS.  BTf 

and  "Proverbs"  whicli  when  cold  they  handed  out  to  other 
dogs  to  hawk  about  in  the  public  places  as  free  gifts  to  all  dogs 
to  hang  up  in  the  chambers  of  their  memories. 

This  Proverb  Foundry,  the  big  fleas  said,  was  an  excellent 
Institution  and  was  worthy  of  support  as  it  did  a  vast  amount 
of  Good;  for  it  provided  good  things  for  dogs  everywhere  to 
put  in  their  mouths,  which,  as  food  was  scarce,  was  a  Blessed 
Charity  and,  moreover,  by  giving  the  dogs  plenty  to  do  mum- 
bling these  Proverbs  and  Maxims  over  and  over  in  their  mouths, 
kept  them  out  of  the  mischief  of  thinking,  and  preserved  their 
minds  in  a  wholesome  state  of  imbecility  which  was  conducive 
to  Social  Order  and  the  Stability  of  Institutions. 

These  wise-appeariug  philosophers,   seeing  that  bones  were 
scarce  and  dogs  many,  urged  upon  every  dog  the  importance  of 
getting  ahead  of  every  other  dog,  by  remembering  that     The 
early   bird   gets  the  first  worm."     Seeing  that  in  a  crowd  of 
struggling  dogs,  ail  the  strong  and  lusty  ones  came  to  the  front 
and'^uppermost,  they  made  that  all  right  by  inventing  the  heart- 
less motto  for  the  guidance  of  the  unscrupulous,  "There's  plenty 
of  room  at  the  top."     Observing  that  just  through  the  gap  in 
the  fence  there  is  food  for  five  dogs  which  one  hundred  and  fifty 
are  biting  and  tearing  to  get  at,  they  encouraged  the  dogs  to 
bear  in  mind  that  "Success  in  life  comes  only  by  push  and 
enterprise."     Having  noted  that  he  who  gobbled  up  his  meat 
the  fastest  got  most  into  his  inside  in  the  same  time,  they  urged 
them  to  racing  speed  by  the  proverbs,  "Time  is  money,"  "  Pro- 
crastination is  the  thief  of  time,"  and  "Hurry  Up  is  the  fastest 
horse  "     Noticing  that  when  anyone  throws  a  scrap  of  meat  to 
a  crowd  of  hungry  dogs,  the  one  which  is  first  and  smartest  gets 
it  they  put  the  rule  for  such  cases  thus  :     "  Opportunity  once 
gone  never  returns."     Having  themselves  got  on  by  carefully 
watching  when  other  dogs  threw  away  stale  and  mouldy  meat 
that  was  not  exceedingly  well  worth  eating,  and  hoarding  the 
same  in  sly  holes  and  corners,  they  glorified  such  mean  conduct 
by  sayin-     "  Frugality  is  the  Mother  of  Wealth  ;  "   and  when 


68  THE   DOGS   AND  THE   FLEAfi. 

they  denied  their  hungry  stomachs  a  scrap  in  order  to  have  a 
larger  hoard,  they  erected  their  mean  stinginess  into  a  Philos- 
ophy of  Life  by  remarking  that  "A  Penny  saved  is  a  Penny 
Earned." 

And  so  on  and  so  on.  In  a  thousand  ways  they  taught  that 
getting  on  in  the  world  is  by  "carving  one's  way,"  "compelling 
success,"  biting,  scratching,  crowding,  knocking  down  and 
trampling  on  your  fellows  ;  and  they  taught  that  only  t/ie  tvinner 
in  the  race  is  to  be  congratulated  on  his  efforts  ;  that  he  who 
grabs  and  gets  the  bone  is  the  one  rightly  entitled  to  it ;  and 
that  all  who  run  and  fall,  and  all  who  grab  and  miss,  should  be 
voted  immoral  and  sent  to  perdition. 

And  never  a  one  of  them  ever  made  a  proverb  or  a  maxim 
that  had  in  it  the  remotest  suggestion  that  there  might  be  any 
other  way  for  dogs  to  live  and  be  happv,  save  that  by  which 
they  were  now  so  miserably  perishing  ;  for,  as  aforesaid,  they 
were  great  philosophers. 


CHAPTER  XII. 


The 

"*  A  RISERS. 

—  Chaos 
Menders.  —  Moral  and 
Spiritual  tinkers  and 
COBBLERS.— Artificial  pi 

"    ^  *         ETY. — 

Praise 

CONVEN - 
TION. — 

A  Holy  One 
A  Maker  of 
Long  Pray- 
ers AND 
ORT  Wages,  is  very*  hope- 
ful. 


OW  as  soon  as  the  Apologist 
Philosophers  and  their  Proverl) 
Foundry  arose  it  was  as  though 
the}'  had  opened  the  doors  of 
a  Bottomless  Pit  where  were 
confined  an  infinite  host  of 
Arisers ;  for  from  that  time 
on  there  arose,  and  arose,  and 
arose  an  endless  succession  of 
until-then  unknown  and  need- 
less Chaos  Menders  who  came 


C9 


70  THE   DOGS   AND   TIIF,    FLEAS. 

forth  equipped  with  moral  saws  aud  hammers  aud  jack  planes 
and  set  up  shop  all  over  Canisville  aud  put  out  big  flaring  signs 
settmg  forth  that  all  manner  of  Moral  aud  Spiritual  Cobbling 
and  Repairing  was  done  there  on  the  shortest  notice  ;  special 
attention  being  given  to  the  Production  of  Public  Virtue  amongst 
dogs,  by  a  large  corps  of  operators,  in  the  highest  degree  skilled 
in  the  art  of  fitting  all  sorts,  sizes  and  qualities  of  dogs  to  Stan- 
dard Moral  Measurement,  by  the  use  of  the  latest  improved  and 
perfected  machinery,  warranted  to  lengthen,  shorten,  flatten, 
puff  out,  square  up,  round  off,  expand  or  compress  as  required. 
Also  Corrupt  Trees  carefully  trained  and  made  to  bear  the  best 
of*  Good  P>uit ;  thorns  made  to  bear  grapes,  and  thistles  to 
bring  forth  figs  ;  all  under  the  able  superintendency  of  their 
various  agents. 

First,  there  arose  divers  well-meaning  dogs  of  prophets  who 
imagined  they  could  restore  the  fighting,  squabbling  community 
to  a  state  of  decency  by  schooling  the  dogs  into  a  habit  of  com- 
pelling their  brains  to  sever  all  relationship  and  connection  with 
their  stomachs. 

So  when  they  were  ready  with  their  Plan  they  sent  one  into 
the  Public  Place,  crying,  "Behold  now,  this  fighting  aud  bad 
temper  is  all  wrong  ;  ye  ought  to  deal  kindly  with  one  another. 
Lo  !    I  come  to  proclaim  peace." 

And  an  infidel  dog  said,  "How  wilt  thou  bring  peace  when 
there  are  more  hungry  dogs  than  bones  ?  " 

And  the  prophet  said,  "  Let  us  bear  with  one  another  ;  let  us 
resolutely  put  away  from  us  all  malice  and  evil  thoughts,  and 
be  kindly  aflFectioned  one  to  another;  and  when  one  of  us  has 
found  a  bone,  let  not  the  other  one  cast  covetous  and  hungry 
eves  upon  it,  but  let  him  meekly  bear  his  lot  ;  and  when  his 
belly  rumbles  through  emptiness,  and  he  be  tempted  to  rush 
upon  his  neighbor's  bone,  let  him  put  up  a  little  prayer  to 
the  Providence  which  hath  wisely  ordained  our  several  lots,  aud 
howd  a  little  bvmn  thus: 


THE  DOGS   AND  THE  FI.EAS.  71 

"  Help  lue,  O  Lord,  to  bear  my  lot, 

And  when  with  hunger  spent, 
I'll  think  of  other  boneless  ones, 

And  learn  to  be  content. 
Not  more  than  others  I  deserve, 

Whose  forms  with  want  are  bent  ; 
Oh,  give  me  then,  a  spirit  meek, 

That  always  is  content, 

"This,  my  canine  brethren,  is  all  that  we  need — the  spirit  of 
meekness,  resignation  and  contentment.  Think,  my  beloved 
brethren,  of  all  the  glorious  prospects  that  lie  beyond  this  vale 
of  tears,  when,  if  we  have  been  very  humble  and  contented,  and 
have  not  barked  at  the  upper  classes,  nor  scoffed  at  the  well- 
paid  ministers  of  the  fleas'  gospel,  we  shall  trot  the  streets  of 
the  New  Canisville  where  the  best  food  lies  around  in  the  great- 
est profusion,  and  poor  dogs  hunger  no  more,  neither  thirst 
any  more." 

"And,"  said  a  sceptic  dog,  "what  shall  we  do  for  grub  on 
earth  until  we  reach  the  grubful  Canaan  ?  " 

"My  brother,"  said  the  prophet,  "  thou  must  pray  for  grace 
to  be  content." 

Now,  when  the  Church  of  the  Fleas  heard  that  there  was  a 
very  holy  dog  of  a  prophet  gone  down  amongst  the  wicked  and 
discontented  canines  to  preach  unto  them  the  doctrine  of  pres- 
ent contentment  and  future  bellyfuls,  they  gathered  themselves 
together  in  a  great  Praise  Convention  to  give  thanks  and  rejoice 
for  the  new  Star  of  Hope  that  had  risen  on  the  land,  and  a  Holy 
One,  a  Maker  of  long  prayers  and  short  wages,  arose  and  ad- 
dressed them. 

The  Honorable  One  a  Maker  of  long  prayers  and  short  wages 
was  a  smooth  and  influential  lay  flea,  who  ran  a  large  blood 
suckery  six  days  of  the  week,  and  on  the  other  a  large  snivelling 
prayery,  and  was  reputed  to  be  very  rich  in  grace,  but  much 
richer  in  this  world's  wealth,  and  was  world-noted  for  his  stingi- 
ness towards  the  dogs  he  drew  his  life  blood  from,  and  the 
prodigality  of  his  gifts  to  churches  and  charities. 


72 


THE   DOCrS   AND   THE    FI^EAS. 


There  was  a  very  queer  peculiarity  about  his  eyes  :  One  of 
them  was  turned  permanently  downward  towards  the  earth, 
and  was  a  very  keen,  bright  eye  of  high  microscopic  power, 
which  restlessly  scanned  every  object,  and  by  long  practice  had 
grown  able  to  discern  with  a  marvellous  infallibility  certain  dirty 
looking  little  blood  spots  called  pennies.  This  eye  was  what  was 
known  as  his  six-days-a-week  eye,  and  was  so  powerfully  de- 
veloped that  no  matter  how  small  these  spots  were,  nor  how 
deeply  hidden— even  deep  down  at  the  bottom  of  and  beneath  a 
hundred  feet  of  dirt — he  could  see  them  and  he  would  never 
rest  until  he  had  uncovered  them,  and  gathered  them  in  with 
his  marvellously  acquisitive  blood  sucker. 

His  other  eye  was  known  as  his 
seventh-day  eye,  and  was  a  very  keen, 
bright  eye  of  high  telescopic  power, 
which  by  persistent  straining  and  prac- 
tice had  bulged  outward  and  upward 
towards  Heaven,  and  had  developed 
a  marvellous  capacity  for  seeing  mans- 
ions in  the  skies,  harps  and  golden 
crowns  of  glory  and  immortality,  laid 
up  in  particular  for  the  Honorable 
One  a  Maker  of  long  prayers  and  short 
wages. 

So  that  what  with  the  present  riches  his  six-days-a-week  eye 
enabled  his  marvellously  acquisitive  blood  sucker  to  pick  up^ 
and  the  prospective  riches  his  seventh-day  eye  enabled  him  to 
see  was  his,  he  was  very  wealthy  indeed,  very  sleek  and  exceed- 
ingly well  contented — as  any  one  so  well  fixed  for  both  worlds 
ought  to  be. 

He  said:  "Brethren  of  the  most  ancient  and  honorable  Church 
of  the  Suckers,  it  is  evident  that  the  great  problem  of  sin  and 
wickedness  amongst  the  poor  is  about  to  be  solved.  I  confess 
that,  to  me,  the  state  of  the  poor  has  been  for  years  past,  a  great 
burden  of  anxiety  upon  uiy  heart,  and  a  subject  of  agonizing 


THE   DOGS   AND   THE   FLEAS.  73 

prayer.  I  have  remarked  their  pinched  features,  their  hungry 
jaws,  their  woe-begone  condition,  and  I  have  endeavored  as  far 
as  in  me  lies,  to  alleviate  their  hard  lot.  What  shall  be  done  to 
lift  them  up  ?  Let  us  remember  that  they  are  of  our  own  blood. 
The  poor  brutes  on  which  I  live  excite  my  compassion  more 
than  I  can  tell,  and  I  have  done  ever\-thiug  I  know  of  to  lessen 
the  hardness  of  their  lot.  I  encourage  my  lady  flea  and  our  flea- 
lets* — than  whom  there  are  not  more  holy  ones  between  here  and 
the  seventh  heaven — to  go  down  and  teach  them.  They  take 
little  tracts  to  them,  showing  them,  in  the  most  beautiful  man- 
ner, how  by  more  toil,  more  thrift,  more  temperance,  more 
economy  of  time  and  little  retrenchments  in  sleep  and  luxuries, 
and  the  lopping  off'  here  and  there  of  sinful  indulgences,  and 
crucifixion  of  various  ungodly  lusts,  they  can  with  the  help  of 
God,  come  up  to  fatness,  and  even  to  a  sleek  condition.  They 
have  showed  them  that  "Where  there's  a  will,  there's  ALWAYS 
a  way  "  to  success  in  life,  and  they  have  shown  them  by  various 
shining  examples,  how  ANY  dog  may,  by  patient  perseverance, 
lift  himself  out  of  the  condition  of  being  a  blood-yielding  dog 
and  come  up  by  Transformation  into  that  of  being  an  honored 
sucker  himself  and  deacon  of  a  church.  And  to  encourage 
them,  I  have  even  sometimes  remitted  five  per  cent,  of  the  blood 
they  owe  me.  But  nothing  seems  to  come  of  it.  They  seem 
just  as  thriftless  as  ever  and  as  full  of  vice.  And  really  their 
idleness  and  shiftiessness  cause  me  serious  alarm  as  I  perceive 
that  their  daily  yield  of  blood  is  decreasing  and  I  have  suffered 
much  loss.  And  brethren,  no  doubt  I  voice  your  experience. 
We  know  that  godliness  among  these  poor  is  economically 
profitable.  A  pious,  contented  dog  works  more  faithfully  than 
an  ungodly  one  ;  and  there  is  infinitely  more  pleasure  in  go- 
ing to  collect  our  monthly  dues  from  amongst  the  pious,  sober, 
well  behaved  and  godly  dogs,  than  amongst  those  who  by  their 
wicked  idleness,  insobriety  and  insolent  barkings,  give  us 
trouble  and  anxiety.  Let  us  remember  that  nice  Scripture 
which  says,  '  Godliness  is  profitable  unto  all  things,  having  the 


74  THE   DOGS   AND   THE    FLEAS. 

promise  not  only  of  the  life  that  now  is,  but  of  that  which  is  to 
come.'  Let  us  then  be  not  only  good  but  wise,  and  not  only 
support  this  good  prophet  in  his  work,  but  set  apart  others  unto 
the  good  work  ;  and  let  us  call  them  City  Missionaries.  Will 
some  one  now  move  that  we  pass  'round  the  hat?  And  let  the 
collection  be  a  good  big  one  brethren,  for,  recollect,  this  is  to 
send  the  gospel  to  the  poor,  and  '  he  that  giveth  to  the  poor 
lendeth  to  the  Lord,'  and  the  Lord  always  pays  good  interest, 
brethren,  good  measure,  pressed  down,  shaken  together  and 
running  over.  So  that  we  shall  by  this  present  sacrifice  be 
eternal  gainers  and  come  out  at  the  large  end  of  the  horn." 

And  it  was  so.  And  they  made  up  a  big  pot  of  money  for  the 
missionaries ;  and  they  stroked  their  paunches  affectionately 
and  departed,  feeling  that  God  ought  to  be  very  much  obliged 
to  them  for  having  condescended  to  think  on  his  poor. 

And  from  that  time  on  there  was  reported  "  great  success  "  in 
the  preaching  of  the  Gospel  of  Content.  At  the  end  of  the  year 
the  Church  of  the  Suckers  got  together,  and  had  the  prophets 
tell  them  of  the  good  work  done  during  the  year.  And  the 
good  prophets  made  various  long  reports  of  their  work.  They 
had  written  down  in  books  called  "diaries"  how  many  visits 
they  had  made  among  the  poor  dogs  ;  how  mauj'  they  had  in- 
duced b}'  exhortation,  to  give  up  their  fighting  and  quarreling  ; 
how  many  had  thus  been  brought  to  sit  in  rows  in  certain  bare- 
looking  gospel  houses  called  "  Missions,"  and  howl  out  certain 
noises  called  "hymns,"  and  to  declare  at  the  end  of  meetings 
that  they  had  "got  religion  "  and  "  found  grace  "  to  bear  their 
hunger  and  all  their  miseries,  and  even  to  put  on  a  visage  and  a 
look  that  betokened  that  they  rather  enjoyed  hunger  and  poverty 
and  hankered  for  more.  But  the  reports  always  wound  up  with 
the  statement,  that  how  much  soever  of  good  had  been  done,  it 
was  as  nothing  to  the  good  that  remained  to  be  done  ;  that  the 
"  fields  were  white  unto  the  harvest,"  and  praying  that  "  more 
laborers  be  sent  into  the  harvest,"  and,  finally,  that  although 
they  had  got  quite  a  number  of  hungry  and  poverty-stricken 


THE  DOGS  AND  THE  FLEAS.  7o 

dogs  to  enter  the  ranks  of  the  contented  saints,  the  vast  mul- 
titude were  still  discontented  and  quarrelsome  and  wicked,  and 
would  not  come  to  the  "  Mission,"  but  loafed  about  the  streets 
on  Sunday,  blind  to  their  "privileges,"  and  deaf  to  the  "gracious 
call."  And  what  was  even  more  sad  and  pitiable,  these  loafers, 
who  would  not  be  gathered  under  the  wing  of  the  new  gospel 
hen,  not  only  made  a  mock  at  sin,  but  had  made  grievous  faces 
at  the  missionaries.  Then  the  speakers  congratulated  the  "mis- 
sion society  "  on  the  "  good  "  they  had  done  and  urged  the  mis 
sionaries  to  bear  their  hard  trials  with  meekness,  and  to  put  forth 
"greater  efforts  "  in  the  future. 


CHAPTER  XIII. 

The  Moral  antd  Spiritual,  Cobblers  Adopt  Physical 
Coercion.  —  Squads.  —  Dog-Flea-Monkey  Officers.  — 
Brain  Embalming  College.— Encouraging  Success  of 
THE  Gangs. 


[lEN  did  the  numerous  Chaos  Straighten ers  and 
Moral  aud  Spiritual  Cobblers,  seeing  that  they 
had  the  hearty  appreciation  of  the  Church  of  the 
Fleas,  in  their  efforts  to  spiritually  "save"  the  bod- 
J'^'^^^lS  ^^y  starved  dogs,  feel  much  encouraged,  and  began 
to  devise  how  they  might  improve,  strengthen  and 
enlarge  their  saving  methods.  Having  religiously  gone  out  of 
their  way  to  coax  and  beguile  the  poor,  depraved  aud  rib-stripped 
dogs  into  becoming  good — though  having  religiously  remained  in 
their  way  while  all  the  fleas,  big  and  little,  had  depraved  them — it 
was  naturally  easy  to  go  one  step  further  and  supplement  their 
beguilemeuts  with  a  little  coercion  They  reasoned  that  if  it 
was  right  to  hold  nice  moral  persuasives  to  the  dogs'  noses  to 
draw  them  onward  and  upward,  it  could  not  be  wrong  to  club 
them  in  the  same  direction  from  behind.  They  said  the  "Get- 
ting to  Heaven"  was  the  main  thing,  and  that  even  ifadoghad 
to  be  taken  by  the  tail  and  flung  over  the  wall  thereof,  and 
landed  inside  wiih  a  flop  that  shook  his  bowels  out,  it  was  infin- 
itely more  merciful  to  him  than  allowing  him  to  go  easily  to 
Hell. 

So  they  divided  themselves  into  groups  aud  squads  for  the 
purpose  of  surrounding  the  dogs.  To  the  churchy  squads 
was  assigned  the  duty  of  standing  in  a  little  narrow,  dingy  aud 
verv  uninviting  moral   alley -way,  which  they  euphemistically 

76 


THE  DOGS  AND  THE   PLEAS.  77 

called  the  "Way  to  Heaveu,"  and  with  call  whistles  and  Jews- 
harps  and  kazoos  calUng  the  dogs'  attentiou  to  pretty  pictures 
at  the  far  end  of  the  alley-way,  representing  green  fields  and 
flowing  streams,  and  big  piles  of  very  meaty  bones,  and  fat  and 
full  dogs  snoozing  thereby,  and  other  scenes  supposed  to  be 
attractive  to  starving  dogs.  Another  churchy  baud  strewed 
lollipops,  drops  of  gravy  and  other  seducemeuts  along  the  alley- 
way. <» 

These  two  bands  called  themselves  "The  Society  of  Stren- 
uous Endeavorists, "  because  they  "endeavored"  to  cajole  and 
persuade  flea-bitten  and  depraved  dogs  to  go  up  the  dingy  alley- 
way. 

Other  squads  planted  themselves  here  and  there  at  various 
strategic  points,  where  dogs  were  likely  to  break  away,  and 
"endeavored"  by  more  or  less  violent  methods,  to  turn  the 
faces  of  the  dogs  towards  the  dingy  alley-way  and  force  them, 
by  goads  and  prods  and  clubs,  to  be  persuaded  by  the  Endeav- 
orists and  lyollipoppers.  These  squads  proudly  called  them- 
selves by  various  distinguishing  names,  such  as  the  "Go  to 
Church  or  be  Clubbed  Society  ;"  "The  Yanking  Dogs  Heaven- 
ward Association;"  "The  Order  of  Holy  Whackers  and 
Thwackers  ;  "  "The  Compulsory  Holiness  Society  ;  "  "  The  A. 
A.  U.  S.  G.  B.  &  Iv,"  which  being  interpreted,  means  "The 
Association  for  the  Advancement  of  the  Use  of  Sanctification 
Generating  Billies  and  Locusts  ;  "  "  The  Society  for  the  Pro- 
motion of  Pious  Poverty  ;  "  "  The  Society  for  the  Suppression 
of  Natural  Consequences  and  the  Sundering  of  Cause  and 
Effect ;  "  "  The  Gulp-a-Camel-and-Gag-at  a-Gnat  Society,"  and 
the  "  Dog  Souling  and  Healing  Association." 

These  squads  were  all  officered  by  fat  and  comfortable  mongrel 
creatures,  one  third  dog,  one  third  flea,  and  the  rest  monkey, 
whose  qualifications  for  the  headship  thereof  were  that  while 
young  the}^  had  graduated  from  a  certain  College  of  the  fleas  es- 
tablished to  teach  the  doctrine  that  virtue  in  dogs  had  no  relation 
to  their  living  carcases,  but  could  be  arbitrarily  produced  in  any 


78  'fHE   DOGS   AND  tHE    FLEAS. 

dog  by  thrustiug  him  into  a  certain  conventional  moral  mould, 
and  thumping,  walloping,  pounding  and  hammering  him  until 
he  fit  it.  After  several  years  of  training  in  this  School  where  they 
saw  thousands  of  dogs  broken  and  smashed  and  distorted,  but 
never  a  one  made  to  fit,  and  they  themselves  had  laboriously 
tried  to  make  dogs  fit  the  mould,  but  never  did,  they  were  ex- 
amined as  to  their  proficiency  in  the  science  and  art  of  achieving 
n^ral  failure  ;  and  as  to  their  belief  in  the  Attainability  of  the 
Impossible  ;  and  if  the  examination  was  satisfactory  they  signed 
a  solemn  declaration  that  they  were  true  believers  in  that  self- 
same blessed  doctrine. 

Whereupon  the  Principals  opened  their  heads  to  see  if  thei-r 
brains  were  realty  full  of  that  doctrine,  and  if  so  they  poured 
therein  a  ladleful  of  an  antiseptic  compound  called  "  Compound 
Concentrated  Quintessence  of  Pig-Headed  Bourbonism  "  that 
was  warranted  to  keep  sound  and  immovably  fix  that  doctrine 
in  their  brains  all  their  lives  ;  then  they  hermetically  sealed  up 
the  opening  against  the  entrance  of  any  displacing  idea,  and 
turned  the  creature  abroad  upon  the  earth  with  a  diploma  certify- 
ing that  the  holder  thereof  had  been  duly  treated,  and  had  had 
his  brain  properly  embalmed,  and  was  thereafter  incapable  of 
receiving  any  other  idea  if  he  lived  a  million  years. 

Now,  all  these  gangs  and  squads  had  very '  'encouraging  success" 
in  their  work.  That  is  to  say  the  success  was  not  much — in  truth 
it  was  very  little — but  what  there  was  of  it  was  very  encouraging 
to  them  because  they  were  incapable  of  perceiving  failure.  Not 
many  dogs  could  be  induced  by  the  Strenuous  Endeavorists  and 
Lollipoppers  to  go  up  the  dingy  alley-way,  and  of  the  few  who 
went  to  the  far  end  thereof,  most  returned  saying  that,  barring 
the  lollipops  and  drops  of  gravy,  the  fullness  and  plenty  was  all 
wretchedly  pictorial,  and  the  air  was  so  heavy  and  stagnant, 
and  the  surroundings  so  dull  and  dreary  that  they  preferred  to 
go  back  and  be  damned  hungry,  rather  than  be  "saved"  hungry. 
In  fact  they  had  got  so  used  to  being  damned  hungry  that  it 
hurt  less  than  the  hungry  "  salvation." 


THE   t)0(iS  AND  THE  FLEAS. 


n 


But  over  the  little  few  who  stayed  iu  the  Way  to  Heaven  the 
Strenuous  Endeavorists  made  great  rejoiciugs  ;  they  labelled 
them  Spared  Monuments,  packed  them  carefully  iu  wadding  and 
toted  them  round  to  the  churches  of  the  fleas  aud  exhibited  them 
as  fine  samples  of  what  could  be  accomplished  by  "  never  weary- 
ing in  well  doing,"  and  the  Church  applauded,  and  the  Mon- 
strous Fleas  being  appealed  to  for  help  in  carrying  on  the  work, 
sent  down  their  blessing  and  a  large  fund  to  provide  more  lol- 
lipops and  gravy,  and  an  earnest  appeal  to  the  Strenuous  EndeaV- 
orists  to  endeavor  to  devise  some  scheme  of  salvation  for  the 
poor  unfortunate  dogs  that  ground  at  the  Handle  of  their  Mill, 
and  whose  spiritual  interests  lay  very  near  to  their  hearts. 


CHAPTER  XIV. 

Delusion  of  the  Dog-flea- 
MONKEYS. —  The  Portrait.— 
How  IT  WAS  Copied. 


:LL these  dog-flea-mouke}-  Virtue  Couipulsiou- 
ists  had  oue  pecuHar  delusiou  :  They  all 
imagined  that  they  were  exceedingly  beauti- 
ful spiritually,  and  comely  of  complexion 
morally,  and  resembled  in  moral  features 
'  a  certain  gloriously  beautiful  Person  who 
had  lived  and  died  above  1800  years  before  ;  about  whom  the 
salaried  barkers  in  the  churches  of  the  fleas  were  paid  to  bark 
one  day  in  every  seven. 

It  was  a  practice  ordained  by  the  Church  that  every  barker,  in 
the  course  of  his  regular  barking,  should  draw  on  a  gold  aud 
gem-studded,  framed,  marble  slab,  a  Portrait  of  this  Personage  ; 
for  two  reasons  :  First,  to  keep  him  in  remembrance,  because, 
they  said,  he  was  the  Blessed  Founder  of  the  Church  of  the 
Fleas ;  and  second,  because  it  was  obligatory  both  upon  the 
reverend  barker  and  upon  every  member  of  the  Church  to  be 
conformed  unto  His  Likeness,  bj'  diligenth'  comparing  them- 
Belves  with  the  Portrait. 

It  was  a  Blessed  Custom,  and  originated  thus  : — The  Original 
Portrait  was  in  the  Holy  Book  that  lay  on  the  cosily  cushion, 
drawn  there  by  certain  brave  but  poor  and  persecuted  dogs  who 
knew  and  loved  the  Original  Person.     Their   Church  in  those 

80 


THE   DOGS   AND   THE   FLEAS. 


81 


days  was  the  Church  of  the  Dogs,  and  was  a  very  small  and 
obscure  church  that  was  set  up  in  out-of-the-way,  damp  aud 
mouldy  dens  and  caves  and  holes  aud  corners  of  the  earth  ; 
because  the  Church  of  the  Fleas  of  those  days  had  crucified  the 
Founder  of  it,  and  did  cruelly  hunt  and  persecute  and  kill  the 
dogs  that  belonged  to  it.  But  those  dogs  did  the  more  love  his 
memory,  and  did  day  by  day  copy  out  his  Portrait  from  the 
Original  aud  conform  themselves  to  it. 

But  after  a  time,  when  they  that  knew  the  Founder  were  gath- 
ered into  the  heavenly  garner,  and  there  arose  a  succession  of 
dogs  that  knew  him  not,  the  Church  of  the  Dogs  went  acoiut- 
ing  unto  the  respectable  Church  of  the  Fleas  aud  asked  to  be 
united  in  Holy  Wedlock  unto  it.  And  the  Church  of  the  Fleas 
corrupted  with  respectability  the  Church  of  the  Dogs,  and  the 
dogs  sold  their  brand  new  religion  to  the  fleas  whose  gods  had 
become  dilapidated  and  worm-eaten  for  lack  of  fresh  paint. 
Whereupon  the  Church  of  the  Fleas  threw  their  rotten  old  gods 
on  the  rubbish  heap,  and  adopted  the  worship  of  the  Wonder- 
ful Personage  and  the  practice  of  drawing  his  Portrait.  But 
the  practice  of  copying  it  from  the  Original  in  the  Big  Book  was 
in  time  discarded,  because  many  of  the  fleas,  when  called  on  by 
the  barkers  to  compare  themselves  with  the  Portrait,  said  it 
reproached  them,  being  too  good,  and  made  theni  ugly  by 
comparison,  and  the  conforming  themselves  thereto  was  too  ex- 
pensive and  inconvenient.  And  when  the  barker  insisted  on 
compliance  with  the  custom,  they  said  he  was  an  impertinent 
barker  aud  didn't  know  his  place  ;  and  they  called  on  the  dogs 
to  cast  him  out  and  worry  him  to  death.  Which  terrible  example 
and  warning  caused  the  succeeding  barkers  to  be  pertinent  and 
know  their  places,  and  bark  according  to  the  desire  of  the  fleas 
—which  they  had  carefully  done  ever  since. 

So  no  more  was  the  Seventh-daily  copy  copied  from  the  Original 
but  was  copied  from  the  preceding  Seventh-daily  copy— which 
gave  the  employers  far  less  dissatisfaction. 


B2 


The  Softs  ANt)  The  fleas. 


But  the  barkers,  diligently  keeping  the  fear  of  the  fleas  and 
the  fate  of  the  cast  out  barkers  before  them,  fell  gradually  into 
the  habit  of  here  and  there  adding  to  the  Portrait  a  feature  or 
two  of  the  eminent  fleas  that  sat  and  smiled  before  them  ;  and 
as  this  gentle  flattery  of  the  fleas  was  received  by  them  with 
great  favor,  the  barkers — who  had  by  this  time  very  perspica- 
ciously  discerned  on  which  side  their  bread  was  buttered — were 
encouraged  ;  and  soon  the  Portrait  in  no  wise  resembled  the 
Original.  But  it  gave  very  great  satisfaction  to  the  fleas,  who 
found  themselves  growing  more  and  more  like  unto  the  Blessed 
Person  whom  they  worshipped  ;  and  the  baikers  found  their 
basketfuls  of  meat  growing  ever  larger  as  their  reward  ;  inso- 
much that  in  the  latter  days  such  barkers  as  Tee  de  Little  Wit 
Blatherskite — who  drew  the  Seventh-daily  Portrait  with  great 
skill,  and  filled  it  fuller  of  flea  features  than  any  other  barker — 
got  very  great  basketfuls,  and  were  held  in  the  highest  honor  by 
the  most  eminent  suckers,  who  said  they  were  good  dogs  that 
they  would  not  part  with  at  any  price.  Therefore  it  was  that 
when  all  the  dog-flea-monkey  dog  coercionists  and  heads  of  the 
various  Physical-Force  Holiness  Societies  sat  in  the  Church  of 
the  Fleas  and  looked  upon  the  Features  and  Form  of  the  Por- 
trait, they  lifted  up  their  mouths  to  Heaven  and  gave  loud  thanks 
to  God  that  they  were  the  exact  counterparts  of  the  Ever  Blessed 
Person,  for  their  ugly  mugs  and  ignorantly  brutal  and  fanatical 
eyes  were  just  like  his. 


CHAPTER    XV. 


IvOVELY  Anthony's  Communion  Service  all  by  Himself. 
—How  HE  Formed  a  Society  for  the  Suppression  of 
Vice,  and  the  Propagation  of  the  Gospel  of  the 
Club.— Their  Vicious  Methods 
of  Promoting  Virtue.— Their 
Success  at  Dog  Catching. 


MINENT  over  all  the  crowd  of 
Morality  Cobblers  and  Dog  Soulers 
and  Healers  who  sat  in  the  Church 
of  the  Fleas  and  looked  upon  the 
Portrait,  was  one  whose  brain  had 
been  particularly  well  embalmed 
and  hermetically  sealed  against  the 
entrance  of  any  new  idea.  This  was 
Lovely  Anthony  Thumpem  Club- 
stock.  He  was  a  great  admirer  of 
the  Portrait ;  and  he  went  daily 
into  the  church  to  hold  Holy  Com- 
munion with  himself  before  it.  And 
'thus  he  communed:  "That  is  a  most 
excellelit  likeness  of  the  Blessed 
Personage  for  it  is  just  like  me. 
Like  me,  he  was  the  All -Righteous, 
and,  like  me,  he  had  but  one  de- 
sire—to suppress  the  vice  of  the  world  ;  but  he  lacked  method, 
and  unfortunately  had  not  me  with  him  to  give  him  points. 
Oh,  if  it  had  pleased  God  to  have  sent  me  on  earth  along  with 
him,  what  a  team  we  should  have  made  ;  he  with  his  genius, 
and  I  with  my  method  ;  why,  we  would  have  covered  the  earth 

83 


84  THE  DOGS  AND  THE  FLEAS. 

with  righteousness,  even  as  the  waters  cover  the  sea.  Of  course 
he  had  his  faults — as  who  has  not  ?  He  was  too  much  inclined 
to  Mercy  and  Forgiveness  and  all  that  sort  of  thing.  He  had 
too  much  heart,  and  it  ran  away  with  him.  Had  I  been  with  him 
— which,  alas,  I  was  not — I  should  have  been  a  corrective. 
Heart  might  have  been  less  objectionable  in  his  time  than  now^ 
but  to-day  nothing  but  the  Strong  Hand  and  the  Heavy  Club 
can  drive  the  degenerate  dogs  of  this  day  to  Virtue  and  Right- 
eousness ;  and  I  believe  that  were  he  on  earth  to-day  his  good 
sense  would  approve  a  sterner  policy  of  cleansing  the  earth  of 
sin.  Dogs  today  are  so  fearfully  depraved,  so  very  vile,  such 
dreadful  despisers  of  Holy  Religion,  such  malignant  scoffers  at 
our  reverend  salaried  barkers,  and  are  so  viciously  and  stub- 
bornly averse  to  going  to  heaven,  that  were  they  to  be  let 
alone,  or  pushed  with  mere  kindness,  they  would  become  utterly 
evil  and  corrupt  the  earth. 

"  He  seems  to  have  had  no  nose  for  nastiness  nor  eye  for  dis- 
cerning indecency.  But  I  have  a  splendid  buzzard  smeller  that 
detecteth  the  faintest  taint  afar  off,  and  an  eagle  eye  that 
instantaneously  discerneth  indecency,  even  where  it  is  not. 
He  lacked  the  natural  taste  to  dabble  with  fillh  and  scratch 
around  cesspools.  But  I  am  not  so.  I  with  my  little  mop  and 
pail  will  clean  the  earth  of  evil  for  him.  I  will  suppress  Vice 
and  make  the  earth  so  lovely  that  were  he  to  come  back  he 
would  grasp  my  paw  and  say,  '  Well,  done  Good  and  Lovely 
Anthony  ;  thou  art  unique  ;  thou  hast  faithfully  walloped  and 
larruped  the  erring  dogs  of  earth  back  into  my  Fold  of  Love  ; 
thou  hast  performed  the  hitherto  impossible  job  of  hammering 
virtue  through  their  hides,  and  opening  with  a  club  the  buds  of 
Holiness  in  their  hearts  ;  henceforth  thou  art  promoted  ;  I  will 
make  thee  Clubber  Plenipotentiary  to  Hell,  which  no  doubt 
thou  canst  reclaim  for  me.'  " 

And  Lovely  Anthony,  having  sharpened  his  buzzard  smeller 
and  polished  his  eagle  eye,  went  and  easily  gathered  together  a 
gang  of  true  believers  in  the  Gospel  of  the  Club — for  the  laud 


THK    DOGS   AND   THE    TLKAS.  00 

was  full  of  them,  brain-embalmed  and  pig-lieadedly  Bourbonish 
like  himself — and  he  called  them  the  ''Society  for  the  Suppres- 
sion of  Vice,"  and  said  unto  them,  "Brethren,  go  ye  out  into 
the  highways  and  the  by-ways,  and  wlieresoever  ye  espy  any 
depraved  dog,  hale  him  before  the  Suppressors,  the  police  dogs. 
But  be  very  tender  with  the  fleas  that  are  on  him,  for  they  are 
our  life.  Let  your  zeal  for  God  effervesce  above  all  consider- 
ations. If  any  depraved  and  vicious  dog  hide  himself  away 
where  it  is  difficult  to  get  at  him,  remember  that  his  suppression 
is  the  supreme  aim  of  all  your  efforts,  and  act  accordingly. 
If  ye  cannot  lay  hold  of  him  openly  and  boldly,  then  transform 
yourselves,  and  garb  yourselves  like  him  and  act  in  all  respects 
as  a  vicious  dog  like  him,  to  gain  his  confidence  and  draw  him 
from  his  hole.  Stick  not  at  a  lie  or  two,  or  at  any  breach  of  the 
law  to  trepan  him,  or  at  any  damnable  and  vicious  thing  which 
may  be  necessary  to  suppress  Vice  and  promote  Virtue,  for  the 
bringing  in  of  the  Kingdom  of  Heaven  is  of  such  tremendous 
consequence,  that  if  we  have  to  borrow  all  the  ordnance  and 
weaponry  of  Hell  to  do  it  with,  we  will.  Our  motto  is,  'The 
End  always  justifies  the  Means,'  and  when  the  vice  of  all  dogs 
shall  have  been  suppressed  and  the  earth  shall  be  pure  again,  ye 
shall  all  be  forgiven. 

"If  a  dog  be  hungry  and  howl,  suppress  his  howl,  for  his  noise 
is  disturbing  to  the  repose  of  the  fleas  ;  if  he  throw  covetous 
glances  at  any  scrap  of  food  that  is  not  his  by  gracious  permis- 
sion of  the  fleas,  thump  him,  for  covetousness  is  sin  against 
God  and  the  fleas.  If  he  be  measly  and  have  scabs  for  want  of 
nourishment,  smite  him  severely,  and  tell  him  his  scabs  are  an 
offense  to  respectable  fleas,  and  such  exhibitions  are  by  law 
prohibited.  If  by  reason  of  poverty  he  be  ignorant,  hit  him  a 
whack  on  the  skull,  and  tell  him  that  Ignorance  is  the  parent  of 
Vice,  and  cannot  be  permitted  at  all.  If  he  be  amusing  himself 
with  low  and  disreputable  games,  larrup  him  heavily  and  point 
him  to  the  Church  where  God  has  provided  an  infinitely 
better  Feast  for  the  Soul  than  games,  and  cease  not  to  batter 


THE   DOGS   AND   THE    FLEAS. 


him  until  ye  have  driven  him  there.  And,  finally,  if  he  excuse 
himself  that  he  is  plundered  and  poor  and  wretched,  and  must 
do  as  he  does,  smite  him  on  the  mouth  for  those  wicked  excuses, 
for  they  are  blasphemy." 

So  the  Suppressors  of  Vice  went  out,  abundantly  armed  with 
clubs,  and  equipped  with  all  manner  of  disguises  and  dog-catch- 
ing devices  and  traps  and  snares ;  and  they  found  many  dogs 
that  were  measly  and  scabby,  and  were  ignorant,  and  had  dim 
moral  eyesight,  and  stole,  and  amused   themselves  with  low 


games  and  excused  themselves.  And  the  Suppressors  exercised 
all  their  diligence,  and  all  their  arts  and  devices  to  suppress  and 
catch  those  dogs ;  but  the  only  effect  they  produced  was  to 
cause  the  dogs  to  use  diligence  and  art  and  device  to  get  out  of 
their  way  and  into  dark  corners. 

Then  did  Lovely  Anthony  get  mad  and  go  out  himself  to  set 
them  an  Example,  and  did  set  wonderfully  complicated  traps 
by  which  he  had  great  dog-catching  success.  He  would  walk 
about  pretending  to  be  a  scabby  dog,  and  very  ignorant  aiid 


THE   DOGS   AND   THE   FLEAS.  87 

blind,  and  would  amuse  himself  with  low  games,  and  would 
spread  paper  Laws  before  the  dogs,  and  in  their  sight  jump 
through  them  and  burst  great  holes  in  them  and  play  devil 
generally,  all  in  order  to  encourage  and  tempt  the  vicious  dogs 
to  come  out  of  their  hiding  places  and  do  likewise,  when  he 
would  suddenly  pounce  on  them  and  hold  them  until  he  had 
called  the  police  dogs,  who  would  soundly  thump  and  larrup 
them. 

All  this  kept  Lovely  Anthony  the  Dog  Catcher,  and  his 
assistant  Dog  Catchers,  very  busy  and  wonderfully  well  pleased 
and  satisfied  with  themselves ;  but  as  the  thumping  and  larrup- 
ing never  filled  the  poor  dogs'  stomachs  or  lifted  a  solitary  flea 
off  their  bodies,  the  dogs  were  only  made  worse  ;  for  in  addition 
to  all  their  other  woes,  they  had  the  awful  affliction  of  him  and 
his  on  top.  The  only  difference  it  made  was  that  it  stimulated 
the  cunning  of  the  depraved  dogs  who  grew  more  expert  at 
hiding  away  and  fooling  them. 

As  to  Lovely  Anthony  the  Dog  Catcher,  his  brain  having 
been  properly  embalmed  and  eternally  fixed,  he  only  waxed 
more  zealous  in  his  efforts  ;  and  he  prophesied,  with  all  the  cer- 
tainty of  one  that  knew,  that  sometime  during  next  Eternity 
all  bad  and  vicious  dogs  will  have  been  suppressed,  and  all 
others  walloped  into  loving  God  ;  and  all  the  relations  between 
dogs  and  fleas  will  have  been  harmonized  according  to  the  eter- 
nal rights  of  fleas  to  suck  blood. 


CHAPTER  XVI. 


Joy  Amongst  the  Sai,aried  Barkers  over  Saint  Anthony 
THE  Dog  Catcher. — Apoiheosis  oe  Anthony.— Marvel- 
lous Efflorescence  of  His  great  Bump. — Receives 
Great  Praise  from  the  Monstrous  Fleas. 


fOW  when  the  Church  of  the  Fleas  had  diligently 
considered  Loveh-  Anthony  the  Dog  Catcher  for 
awhile,  they  said  one  to  another,  "Lo!  The  King- 
dom of  Heaven  is  at  hand." 

And  the  salaried  barkers  said  amongst  them- 
selves, "  Behold,  a  powerful  helper  in  the  Vine- 
yard !  Now  shall  (?«;' labors  be  easy  and  our  bur- 
dens light.  Now  will  it  not  be  so  hard  to  per- 
suade dogs  to  come  to  the  Means  of  Grace.  No  longer  shall  we 
have  merely  our  labor  and  sweat  for  our  pains.  Now  shall  we 
gather  in  the  erring  by  wholesale,  for  with  Lovely  Anthony  to 
twist  their  tails  for  i:s  they  will  moreeasily  see  the  error  of  their 
sinful  ways.  No  longer  shall  our  'Missions' be  filled  with  empty 
benches.  No  longer  will  those  depraved  loafers  dare  to  make 
grievous  faces  at  our  Missionaries.  No  longer  shall  Vice  stalk 
abroad  hindering  and  nullifying  the  irresistible  Gospel ;  for 
God  hath  now  the  valuable  help  of  the  police.  Things  are  as 
they  should  be,  and  the  lines  arc  fallen  unto  us  in  pleasant  places. 
Thank  God  for  Anthony." 

And  the  salaried  barkers  of  the  Church  of  the  Fleas  did  send 
messengers  unto  the  dwelling  place  of  the  Lovely  Anthony,  to 
reverently  inquire  of  him  when  it  would  be  convenient  to  him  to 
come  down  and  be  made  a  god  of.  And  Anthony  the  Dog  Catcher 
was  graciously  pleased  to  appoint  a  day,  and  they  brought 
him  to  the  Sanctuarv  and  set  him  on  high  and  burnt  incense  and 

»8 


THE  DOGS  AND  THE  FLEAS.  89 

sang  praises  unto  him  and  prostrated  themselves  before  him  and 
hailed  him  as  their  Dexter  Bower  and  their  Sinister  Bower  and 
the'.r  Great  Labor  Saver,  the  great  Sin  Killer  and  Bringer-in  of 
the  Millennium. 

And  they  put  upon  his  head  a  golden  crown,  and  iu  his  paws 
a  hammer  of  iron  and  fetters  of  brass,  crying  "  Hail  !  King  of 
Depravity  Squelchers  !  With  these  tools  shalt  thou  bring  in  the 
Kingdom  of  Righteousness  and  Love  !" 

And  Lovely  Anthony  the  Dog  Catcher  and  Depravity  Squel- 
cher was  graciously  pleased  with  their  homage,  and  smiled  and 
felt  good,  and  held  up  his  head  ;  when  lo  !  on  the  top  thereof, 
on  the  spot  marked  on  human  skulls  by  creatures  called  phre- 
nologists as  the  bump  of  Self-Conceit,  there  appeared  an  eleva- 
tion which,  throbbing  and  swelling  like  unto  "rising"  dough, 
grew  and  grew  until  it  reached  half  a  cubit  in  height  and  burst 
into  flower  ;  at  which  wonderful  moment  the  sun  did  shine 
through  the  window  full  upon  him.  Whereupon  there  fell  upon 
the  adoring  barkers  a  great  awe  ;  and  they  said  these  signs  were 
Heaven's  seal  set  unto  Lovely  Anthony's  patent  new  method  of 
bringing  in  the  Kingdom  of  Heaven  upon  earth. 

Then  did  the  salaried  barkers  send  arotmd  to  the  Monstrous 
Fleas  and  pray  them  to  come  along  at  once  and  see  the  great 
and  divinely  appointed  Sin  Killer  and  pay  him  their  worship- 
ful respects.  But  the  Monstrous  Fleas  returned  answer  that 
they  had  a  great  work  to  do,  and  could  not  come  around  ; 
that  they  exceedingly  regretted  that  they  were  just  then  so 
excessively  busy  filling  their  paunches  with  blood,  and  trying 
to  hold  themselves  up  to  the  requisite  standard  of  tight  plethora, 
that  they  could  not  come  down,  and  that  they  sent  their  highest 
regards  to  their  Heaven-sent  friend  and  Society  Saviour,  with 
their  loftiest  approval  of  and  profoundest  admiration  for  his  new 
method  of  holding  bad,  depraved  and  vicious  dogs  with  their 
noses  towards  Virtue  and  the  open  church  doors — which  was, 
thev  said,  absolutely  necessary  to  the  Safety  of  Investments  and 
the  Regularity  of  Dividends,  to  say  nothing  of  the  saving  of 


do 


THE  DOCS  AND  THE   FLEAS. 


poor  dogs'  precious  and  immortal  souls  which  lay  very  uear  to 
their  hearts— and  that  if  the  Lovely  Anthony  could  spare  a  few 
moments  and  step  around  to  see  them  as  they  sat  about  the  Tank, 
why  they  would  be  very  happy  to  worship  him  for  a  few 
moments. 

And  it  was  so.  And  Lovely  Anthony  did  step  around  to  see 
them,  and  the  Monstrous  Fleas  inclined  their  heads  as  they 
drank,  and  gave  him  the  assurances  of  their  most  distinguished 
consideration  and  promises  of  unlimited  contributions  of  wealth 
to  his  great  and  noble  work.  And  Anthony  was  much  pleased 
with  their  homage  and  the  blessed  evidences  of  their  love  for 
him  ;  and  the  elevation  on  the  top  of  his  head  went  up  another 
half  cubit  and  bore  several  flowers. 

And  the  Monstrous  Fleas  showed  him  to  the  dogs  that  did 
grind  at  the  Handle  ;  who  did  droop  their  heads  and  tremble 
with  awe  of  him,  and  make  solemn  resolutions  within  them- 
selves to  be  good  and  nevermore  think  evil  of  the  Monstrous 
Fleas  that  had  been  divinely  appointed  to  drink  the  bloc  d  they 
had  been  divinely  appointed  to  grind  out  for  them. 


CHAPTER  XVII. 


One  EYED  Elder  Berry  is  Jealous  of  IvOvely  Anthony. 
— His  Philosophy  and  Logic. — His  Plan  to  Save  Little 
Bow-wows  AND  How  it  Worked. — Remarkable  Success 
OE  THE  Society  in  not  Prevent- 
ing Cruelty. 


MONGST  the  multitude  that  did 
gather  to  the  worship  of  Saiut  An- 
thony the  Lovely  was  one  of  the 
many  Chaos  Menders.  He  also 
had  a  well  embalmed  brain,  and  had 
but  one  eye  which  had  the  singular 
optical  property  of  turning  every  vis- 
ible object  in  the  universe  into  the  image  of  a  poor,  suffering 
little  bow-wow.  And  when  he  smelt  the  incense  and  heard  the 
hymns  of  adoration  and  saw  the  worshipful  prosternation  to 
Lovely  Anthony,  the  bile  of  envy  suffused  his  noble  features  and 
turned  his  little  bovv-v.ow-seeing  solitary  eye  a  green  of  emerald 
hue,  that  grew  more  green  with  envy  with  every  moment's 
duration  of  the  adoration  of  Anthony.  And  one  of  the  adoring 
barkers,  who  was  less  intent  and  absorbed  in  his  devotions  than 
the  rest,  observing  him,  said  unto  him  : 

"Brother  Elder  Berry,  why  are  thy  features  suflFused;  and  why 
is  thine  orb  of  vision  so  green  ?  Art  thou  in  an  unsanitary 
state?  Art  thou  sick?  Hast  thou  a  Crisis ?  Tell  me,  for  thou 
alarmest  me  !" 

And  the  One-eyed  Elder  Berry  answered  and  said  :  "I  am 
not  sick  ;  I  am  not  in  an  unsanitary  state  ;  I  am  only  grieved  ; 
grieved  for  the  foolishness  of  these  adoring  simpletons  in  wor- 

91 


92  thp:  dogs  and  the  fleas. 

shiping  this  illogical  Antliony  Thumpem  Clubstock.  Why  all 
this  idiotic  fuss  over  his  tom-fool  trying  to  reform  hardened  old 
dogs  who  are  eternally  fixed  in  the  ways  of  Vice  and  Sin  ?  No 
one  but  a  stark,  stamping,  staring  fool  would  try  to  untwist  a 
twisted  old  apple  tree  with  screws  and  levers  and  chains.  None 
but  a  supreme  fool  would  try  it.  The  only  wise  way  is  to  train 
the  little,  growing,  pliable  sapling  and  shape  it  exactly  as  you 
want  it.  That  is  Wisdom's  way  ;  that  is  the  way  ;  that  is  my 
way  ;  that  is  the  only  adorable  way  ;  and  were  this  assembl}^ 
wise  they  would  now  be  worshipping  ME,  the  Sin  Preventer, 
and  not  paying  idolatrous  adoration  to  this  strange  god  of  a  Dog 
Catcher,  for  I  am  the  only  original  and  genuine  Sin  Curer  ;  all 
others  are  bogus  and  counterfeit ;  my  name  is  blown  in  on  the 
bottle,  and  see  that  you  get  it,  and  take  no  other  ;  protected  by 
letters  patent,  and  all  infringers  will  be  prosecuted  to  the  full 
extent  of  the  law." 

"And  what  would'st  thou  do,  dear  Elder  Berry  ?"  asked  the 
barker.     "Thou  speakest  but  in  figure." 

"Do?"  replied  the  One-eyed,  "  Seest  thou  not,  thou  two- 
eyed  barker,  that  it  is  the  depraved  little  bow-wows  that  need 
the  Vice-Suppressor's  care  rather  than  the  old  and  hardened 
ones?  Keep  the  young  and  tender  ones  from  going  wrong  and 
there'll  be  no  old  dogs  going  wrong,  and  no  Vice  to  suppress. 
Let  me  trace  the  Genesis  of  Vice.  I  have  applied  mine  Eye 
to  the  matter,  and  I  find  it  begins  with  the  horrible  cruelty  of 
those  depraved  and  hungry  dogs  sending  theirlittle  ones  abroad 
from  the  parental  kennels  into  the  streets  to  scratch  for  bones 
and  scraps.  No  old  dogs  with  any  heart  would  be  so  wicked  as 
to  drive  out  those  tender  and  helpless  little  dears  thus  to 
scratch.  It  is  mere  hungry  greed  on  their  parents'  part ;  it  is 
immoral  ;  it  is  cruel  ;  it  is  destructive  to  Society  in  every  way. 
The  little  bow-wows  thus  get  acquainted  early  with  the  wicked- 
ness of  the  streets  ;  and  in  the  fierce  struggle  of  life  their  tender 
health,  both  of  body  and  mind,  is  destroj'ed.  Their  dear  little 
bodies  are  fatigued,  and  their  desires  after  better  things  are 


THE  DOGS  AND  THE  PtEAS.  0.1 

cbilled,  benumbed  aud  destroyed.  Thus  have  they  no  mind  to 
walk  betimes  in  Wisdom's  ways  and  mind  Religion  young.  And, 
more  awful  still,  their  constitutions  being  early  undermined, 
they  grow  up  puny,  feeble,  ill  nourished  and  thin  blooded ;  so 
that  they  are  not  properly  capable  of  doing  their  full  duty  at 
the  Handle  of  the  Mill  or  of  yielding  their  due  amount  of  blood 
to  the  fleas  God  has  appointed  them  to  carry. 

"This  greed  of  their  parents  ought  to  be — must  be — curbed, 
and  this  cruelty  to  the  little  bow-wows  and  wrong  to  Society 
brought  to  an  end.  Behold  the  fleas,  now  ;  they  set  a  beautiful 
example  ;  they  do  not  greedily  send  out  their  little  ones  to  help 
suck  blood  ;  they  protect,  nurture,  watch  over  them,  educate 
them  and  give  them  all  advantages  until  they  are  big  enough 
and  strong  enough  to  suck  for  themselves  ;  and  the  consequence 
is  they  grow  up  to  be  honored  and  respected  members  of 
Society.     All  this  hath  mine  eye  seen. 

"  Here  is  the  root  of  the  evil.  Now,  this  Lovely  Anthony 
strikes  not  at  the  root  of  the  evil  ;  he  strikes  only  at  \hs.  fruit  ; 
and  therein  he  is  off  his  head  and  far  removed  from  his  base ; 
and  therefore  are  these  barkers  and  Monstrous  Fleas  off"  their 
heads  and  far  removed  from  their  bases,  in  worshiping  him. 
But  when  they  see  my  method  they  will  worship  me  instead,  if 
they  know  a  good  thing  when  they  see  it." 

And  when  the  adoration  of  Lovely  Anthony  was  over,  Brother 
Elder  Berry,  the  One-eyed,  and  his  friend  the  barker,  did  con- 
sult together,  and  did  call  in  several  of  the  other  barkers  to  the 
consultation  ;  and  the  proposed  method  of  the  One-eyed  found 
favor  in  their  eyes,  and  they  helped  him  to  form  a  Gang  of  Sav- 
iors, which  they  baptized  with  the  name  of  "The  Society  for 
the  Prevention  of  Cruelty  to  Little  Bow-wows."  And  they  spake 
unto  Pup  McPoodle,  and  he  gave  police  dogs  unto  the  One- 
eyed  Elder  Berry,  that  he  might  have  power  to  club  and  batter 
and  hammer  the  heads  of  all  such  as  might  seek  to  prevent  him 
preventing  cruelty.  And  the  Monstrous  Fleas,  hearing  of  this 
most  praiseworthy  attempt  to  improve  the  blood  of  dogs,  and  to 


94  THE  DOGS  AND  THE  FLEA^. 

add  more  vigor  to  those  who  turned  the  Handle,  seut  him  theii* 
most  sincere  invocation  of  God's  blessing  upon  him,  and  the 
assurance  of  their  most  earnest  desire  to  co-operate  with  him,  by 
large  donations  of  wealth,  or  any  other  form  of  assistance  they 
might  be  able  to  render, 

Aud  the  One-eyed  Elder  Berry  and  his  gang  did  much  infest 
the  streets  of  Canisville  ;  and  the}'  picked  up  many  little  bow- 
wows that  did  scratch  in  the  streets,  and  spake  austerel}'  to 
them,  aud  told  them  they  mustn't ;  and  they  made  the  little 
bow-wows  tell  who  were  the  wicked  parents  that  had,  because 
of  greed,  sent  them  out;  and' they  went  and  spake  austerely 
unto  those  parents,  and  told  them  they  mustn't ;  and  when  those 
parents  explained  that  they  were  very  hungry  and  did  them- 
selves scratch  for  bones  and  scraps  all  day  in  the  streets,  and 
even  then  did  not  find  enough  to  stay  their  hunger,  aud  could 
not  appease  the  hunger  of  the  little  bow-wows,  they  rebuked 
them  austerel)',  and  told  them  their  hunger  was  all  greed  aud 
cruelty  to  the  little  bow-wows,  to  whom  they  owed  more  affec- 
tion and  duty,  and  that  really  they  mustn't  any  more.  So  they 
made  the  little  bow-wows  stay  within  their  holes  and  corners, 
where  they  hungered  and  perished,  for  the  old  bow-wows  could 
not  maintain  them.  Whereupon  the  little  fleas  and  the  big  fleas 
and  the  Monstrous  Fleas  did  give  the  One-eyed  Elder  Berry  a 
hint  that  this  kiud  of  prevention  of  cruelty  was  not  working 
well,  and  tended  to  diminish  the  supply  of  dogs  and  bring  to 
pass  the  prevention  of  Dividends — which  was  a  prevention 
they  could  not  sanction  under  any  consideration  at  all. 

Therefore  the  One-eyed  Elder  Berry  did  desist  from  catching 
the  poor  little  starving. bow-wows  in  the  street,  in  the  day  time  ; 
and  his  vision  of  being  one  day  set  on  high  and  worshiped,  as 
was  Anthony  the  Dog  Catcher,  grew  dim.  But  certain  of  his 
gang  advised  him  that  certain  moderately  plump  and  comfortable 
little  bow-wows  had  been  seen  going  at  night  to  certain  places, 
to  dance  for  a  few  minutes  for  a  good  basketful  of  meat,  to 
amuse  certain  of  the  Canisvillians. 


THE  DOGS  AND  THE  FLEAS.  95 

"Ah!  Say  ye  SO?"  exclaimed  the  One-eyed  Berry,  as  his  one 
eye  bulged  and  lit  up  with  the  phosphorescent  glow  of  hope  of 
immortal  fame,  "dancing  by  little  bow-wows,  did  ye  say  ?  Why, 
here  is  Sin,  concentrated  Iniquity,  hydraulically  pressed, 
rammed  and  condensed  Wickedness,  enough,  under  any  favor- 
ably accidental  expansion,  to  poison  the  whole  moral  atmos- 
phere of  Canisville,  and  kill  us  all.  And  to  think  that  these 
tender  and  immature  bow-wows  are  set  to  enact  it  all." 

And  he  diligently  inquired  where  this  evil  might  be  found  ; 
and  they  told  him,  and  he  hied  himself  thither,  and  sat  and 
saw  the  little  bow-wows  dance ;  and  his  eye  bulged  with 
horror  as  he  perceived  that  the  little  bow-wows  loved  the  dance, 
and  were  delighted  with  the  large  reward  for  the  little  work, 
which  enabled  them  to  take  more  to  the  kennels  of  their  par- 
ents in  one  night  than  the  parents  could  scratch  up  in  the  streets 
in  a  month. 

And  his  horror  grew  still  more  when  he  found  by  visits  to 
their  kennels  that  these  parent  dogs  were  having  much  easier 
times  than  other  dogs,  through  the  efforts  of  these  little  bow- 
wows, which,  on  their  part,  grew  plump  and  well-to-do. 

This,  said  he,  was  cruelty  of  the  cruellest  sort,  to  turn  these 
poor  little  tender  innocents  out  at  iiight — and  worse — to  dance, 
which  was  more  exhausting  to  their  vitality  and — what  was  of 
infinitely  more  moment — their  morals,  than  any  amount  of 
hungry  scratching  in  the  streets  for  bones  and  scraps. 

But  the  parent  dogs  and  others  said  it  was  not  so  ;  the  little 
bow-wows  were  well  nourished  and  well  sheltered  and  protected 
from  the  storms  and  tempests,  and  hunger  and  wickedness  of 
the  streets,  and  were  infinitely  better  off  than  the  poor  unfor- 
tunate bow-wows  of  the  famishing  wretches  that  did  grind 
at  the  Handle  of  the  Mill,  that  were  thrown  into  the  hopper 
to  satisfy  the  blood  greed  of  his  dear  friends,  the'  Monstrous 
Fleas. 

All  which  failed  to  move  him  to  the  right  or  left  of  his  right- 
eous determination  to  suppress  cruelty  to  small  bow-wows;  for  he 


96 


THE  DOCS  AND  THE  FLEAS. 


set  his  police  dogs  to  prevent  these  little  ones  daticing.  Which 
they  did. 

And  the  little  ones  no  more  received  good  basketfuls  for  a 
little  work,  and  they  and  the  parent  dogs  did  starve  in  their 
kennels,  until  compelled  to  go  out  into  the  wicked  streets,  and 
scratch  from  early  morning  until  midnight  for  awfully  meatless 
bones,  or  until  the  old  dogs  were  compelled  to  fling  them  into 
the  hopper  of  the  Mill,  as  a  fee  to  the  Monstrous  Fleas,  to  be 
allowed  to  grind  and  drop  dead  at  the  Handle. 

Thus  did  the  One-eyed  Elder  Berry  prevent  cruelty  to  little 
bow-wows. 


CHAPTER  XVIII. 

Virtue  and  Victuals. — The  Conductometer. — Terrible 
Fate  of  Those  Who  Teach  Unrevealed  Religion 
AND  Blasphemously  Attempt  to  Save  Bodies  Rather 
Than  Souls. 


N  spite,  however,  of  the  efforts  of  the  mighty  crowd 
of  Vice  Suppressors,  Sia  Killers,  and  Depravity 
Squelchers,  putters  down  of  this,  that  and  t'other, 
and  preventers  of  t'other,  that  and  this,  the  depravity 
of  the  dogs  went  on  increasing.  The  poor  dogs  were 
harassed  on  all  sides  and  suffered  a  grand  battue, 
but  the  Church  and  the  salaried  barkers  on  whose 
behalf  the  battue  was  undertaken,  bagged  very  little  of  the 
game ;  hundreds  slipped  through  the  well  organized  ranks  of 
the  beaters  and  clubbers  and  got  themselves  away  to  out-of-the- 
way  holes  and  corners  where  they  perversely  went  down  and 
down  aud  down  in  the  depths  of  depravity.  They  had  grown 
utterly  disheartened  in  the  everlasting  and  ferocious  struggle 
for  a  liviiig  ;  and  in  spite  of  the  good  missionaries  who  told 
them  they  must  walk  in  the  Fear  of  God,  they  grew  reckless 
aud  said  the  Fear  of  God  fills  no  bellies,  that  the  Fear  of  God 
was  all  very  well  when  you  had  a  good  pile  of  good  victuals  laid 
by  in  the  kennel,  but  when  you  hadn't,  the  Fear  of  Hunger 
was  the  only  Fear  it  was  incumbent  upon  a  poor  dog  to  fear. 

The  good  missionaries  were  much  shocked,  of  course,  with 
such  manifestation  of  disregard  for  what  they  called  "higher 
things"  and  begged  of  them  to  read  the  little  tract  called  the 
"Way  of  Life,"  but  these  depraved  dogs  did  grievously  and 

97 


98  THE  DOGS  AND  THE  FLEAS. 

irreligiously  retort  that  Victuals  was  the  only  "  Way  of  Life  " 
they  cared  for,  and  did  turn  their  tails  and  depart,  and  they  were 
no  more  heard  of  in  Good  Society. 

But  there  were  divers  perverse  dogs  that  would  neither  walk 
in  the  "Way  of  Life"  and  the  "Fear  of  God,"  nor  go  uown 
in  the  depths  of  depravity.  By  the  merest  good  luck  they 
managed  to  feed  fairly  well,  and  this,  they  said,  was  the  only 
reason  why  they  did  not  become  as  depraved  as  their  fellow  dogs. 
•  These  were  very  philosophical  dogs  in  their  way.  They 
boldly  declared  that  the  foundation  and  nine  tenths  of  the  super- 
structure of  all  the  virtue  and  good  conduct  in  the  world  is 
plenty  of  good  honest  victuals ;  and  that  that  particular  form 
of  irregular  conduct  in  dogs  called  Crime  is  neither  vice  nor 
wickedness,  necessarily,  but  is,  mostly.  Nature's  blind  and 
instinctive  rebellion  and  protest  against  the  deprivation,  by  Law, 
of  victuals  and  other  natural  rights.  Therefore,  said  they,  as 
the  conduct  called  Crime  is  the  direct  creation  and  result  of 
Law,  it  is  very  funny  that  the  Law  should  disown  and  declare  it 
illegal. 

These  philosophical  dogs  had  constructed  what  they  called  a 
Conductometer,  by  which  they  illustrated  the  working  of  their 
theory. 

This  was  an  ordinary  living  dog  whose  stomach  had  been  made 
visible  through  the  said  dog  having  accidentally,  one  day,  got 
in  line  with  a  thing  called  a  "gun  "  in  the  hands  of  an  animal 
of  the  human  species  called  a  "Sport,"  who  had  "touched  it 
off"  just  for  fun,  and  blown  a  hole  in  the  poor  dog's  ribs. 

This  dog  these  philosophers  found  writhing  in  pain  ;  and  they 
dragged  him  away  and  hid  him  to  nurse  and  heal  him. 

And  one  said,  "Why  not  utilize  this  Providential  Opening 
through  which  to  scientifically  observe  the  relationship  between 
Victuals  and  Virtue,  about  which  there  is  so  much  dispute  now- 
adays? " 

And  the  proposition  seemed  good  unto  them  ;  and  it  was  so, 
that  they  stretched  over  the  aperture  a  transparent  n:embrane, 


THB  DOGS  AND  THE  FI^EAS. 


99 


on  which  they  marked  a  graduated  scale  whose  zero  was 
located  at  half  fullness  of  the  stomach  ;  and  they  called  the 
instrument  a  "  Conductometer." 

Into  this  stomach  they  injected,  by  means  of  a  funnel,  a 
specially  prepared,  nutritious  food,  and  by  means  of  the  scale 
they  observed  the  relationship  of  the  dog's  behavior  to  the  food 
in  his  stomach. 

Now,  it  was  ob- 
served that  when 
the  quantity  of  his 
food  was  at  the  zero 
line,  he  was  just  an 
ordinary  dog,  with 
just  ordinary  moral 
ideas  ;  but  for  every 
degree  above  zero 
he  improved,  and 
for  every  degree  be- 
low he  deteriorated. 

When  they  in- 
jected two  or  three 
above-zero  degrees 
of  food  into  him, 
his  eye  brightened, 
and  his  moral  per- 
ceptions grew  more 
acute.  At  this  point 
they  asked  him, 
"  What  is  thine 
opinion  of  the  Commandment  '  Thou  Shalt  not  Steal  ?  '  " 

And  he  replied  "It  is  an  excellent  one  ;  no  dog  ought  to  steal." 

Then  they  filled  him  up  one  or  two  more  degrees,  and  asked 
him  the  same  question.  "It  is  shocking  to  steal,"  said  he,  "and 
the  dog  that  does  not  know  the  difference  between  meum  and 
tuum  ought  to  be  made  to  know  it  with  a  club." 


ruLL 


166 


THE  DOGS  AND  THE  FI^AS. 


Then  they  filled  him  full  up.  Aud  a  glow  of  most  beautiful 
iutelligeuce  came  iuto  his  eye  ;  a  most  reposeful  calm  came  over 
his  frame ;  a  heavenly  peace  overspread  his  countenance,  and 
he  displayed  a  decided  propensity  to  piety,  and  an  irresistible 
tendency  to  hold  forth  like  a  fat-salaried  barker,  on  the  virtue 
of  Contentment  with  one's  earthly  lot,  Trust  in  God  aud  the 

beauties  of  Law  and  Order. 
"What    now    is    thine 
opinion  of  the  Command- 
ment? "   they  asked. 

"Oh,  the  unutterable 
wickedness  of  Theft  and 
Crime,"  he  replied,  "  it  is 
abominable  ;  it  is  damn- 
able ;  no  law  can  be  too 
stringent  and  severe 
against  it  ;  aud  any  one 
guilty  of  breaking  the  Law 
ought  to  be  hanged,  drawn 
and  quartered,  and  fed  to ' 
the  beasts  of  the  field  and 
the  buzzards  and  vultures 
of  the  air  as  a  prey  and  as 
a  Avarning  to  others.  Oh  ! 
The  very  contemplation  of 
Crime  makes  me  shudder  ; 
do,  oh  do,  change  the  pain- 
ful subject ;  "  and  a  strong 
spasm  of  pain  thrilled  his 
frame  from  nose  to  tail. 
But  when  they  allowed  his  supply  of  stomach  furniture  to  run 
low,  the  glow  of  most  beautiful  intelligence  went  out  of  his  eye, 
the  most  reposeful  calm  came  off  his  frame,  the  heavenly  peace 
went  off  his  countenance,  and  the  propensity  to  bold  forth,  like 
a  fat-salaried  barker,  on  Contentment  and  Trust  in  God,  left  him. 


tMPTY 


THE  DOGS  AND  THE  FLEAS. 


101 


And  when  his  supply  registered  one  degree  below  zero  they 
asked  him  "  What  is  thine  opinion  of  the  Commandment  Thou 

Shalt  not  Steal  ? '  "  ^      ,.  „.  ,,     -^  ■ 

And  he  replied,  absent-mindedly,  "Steal?  Steal?  Well;  it  is 
not  right— to  be  caught  at  it."  _. 

But  as  it  fell  lower  and  lower,  the  dimness  of  his  moral  vision 
increased,  until  at  the  lowest-the  starvation  point-his  eyes 
glared  and  bulged  with  a  ferocious  insanity  ;  and  when  asked 
then  "Is  it  wrong  to  steal?  What  is  the  difference  between 
memn  and  tuum?-  he  viciously  cursed  and  snarled  and  snapped 
at  his  questioners,  and  replied  that  he  did  not  comprehend  their 
idiotic  jargon,  he  wanted  something  to  eat. 

All  which,  these  philosophers  said,  demonstrated  that  Vice 
Crime  and  Sin  (so  called)  are  merely  symptoms  of  Want  and 
Poverty,  and  vacuity  of  the  alimentary  canal ;  and  they  boldly 
asserted  that   a   good   sound   Gospel   of  Comfort  and   Plenty, 
earnestly  preached  would  do  more  in  five  minutes  to  cleanse  the 
earth  of  sin  and  fill  it  with  righteousness,  than  all  the  barkings 
of  all  the  salaried  barkers,  and  all  the  sin  suppressing  machinery 
of  clubs  and  ropes  in  the  world  would  do  in  five  thousand  years. 
And  when  these  words  came  to  the  ears  of  the  salaried  barkers 
and  the  Sin  Suppressors  they  were  greatly  scandalized,  and  said 
they  had  never  heard  such  blasphemous  and  ungospel  talk.     It 
was  actually  bringing  into  contempt  the  sacred  machinery  of 
vice  squelching,  which  had  been  incorporated  by  the  State,  hal- 
lowed by  the  Church,  and  had  grown  through  long  years  and  by 
the  expenditure  of  great  wealth  and  invention,  to  the  propor- 
tions of  a  National  Institution,  and  a  great  Vested  Interest      It 
was  actually  insinuating,  most  wickedly,  that  there  was  a  short, 
simple  and  direct  way  of  attaining  an  object,  which  was  a  gross 
insult  to  the  memory  of  the  heaven-anointed  Clubstocks,  Elder 
Berrys  Blatherskites  and  other  sanctified  ones  whose  genius  had 
invented  the   present  elaborately  involuted,   convoluted,   con- 
glomerated and  roundabout  way  of  getting  at  it.      But,  above 
all  it  was  a  direct  blow  at  the  livelihood  of  thousands  of  good 


103  THE  DOGS  AND  THE   FLEAS. 

and  moral  dogs  who  were  given  employment,  at  good  feed,  to 
operate  the  machinery,  who  would,  if  this  new-fangled  and 
highly  irreligious  Gospel  of  Victuals  were  adopted,  be  thrown 
completely — yes,  completely,  brethren — out  of  work. 

So  the  Vice  Squelchers  and  the  barkers  and  the  eminent  fleas 
had  some  of  these  new  gospellers  arrested  ;  and  they  set  certain 
lewd  Dogs  of  Belial  to  witness  against  them  that  they  had  blas- 
phemed Religion,  and  had  plotted  a  great  plot  to  kill  off  the 
fleas,  and  inaugurate  an  awful  Society  and  Civilization  of  Flea- 
less  Dogs. 

Then  the  judges  ordered  horns  and  hoofs  and  spiked  tails  and 
dragons'  teeth  to  be  fitted  upon  them,  and  that  they  be  brought 
before  the  multitude  ;  in  whose  sight  they  painted  them  blacker 
than  hell,  and  told  the  mob  that  these  dogs  were  dragons  and 
devils.  Whereupon  the  deceived  and  enraged  multitude  did 
set  up  a  great  cry  "  Hang  them  !  Hang  them  !  Hang  them  !"' 

So  they  were  delivered  over  to  the  police  dogs,  who  carried 
them  away  and  hanged  them. 

Thus  were  they  suppressed. 


CHAPTER  XIX. 


Shows  that  Virtue  is  Much  More  a  Matter  of  Victuals 
THAN  IS  Commonly  Imagined. —  How  the  Reverend 
Doctor  Immaculate  Barkworst  Went  out  to  Save  Sin- 
ners.—Some  Kinds  of  Virtue  More  Vicious  than  Vice. 


N  process  of  time  it  was  noised  abroad 
that  there  existed  in  Canisville  a 
a  crowd  of  dissolute  dogs,  who, 
on  the  sly  and  in  dark,  holes 
and  corners  of  the  town, 
smeared  themselves  all  over 
with  filth  at  night,  and  danced 
before  other  dirty  dogs  ;  which 
other  dirty  dogs  would  reward 
the  dirty  dancers  with  a  few 
bones. 

So  the  dancing  dogs  were  able 
to  live— which,  the  dancing  dogs 
said,  was  the  main  thing  in  life  ; 
whereas  as  for  Virtue,  there  was 
no  wealth  in  it ;  they  could  get 
along  very  nicely  withoutVirtue, 
but  they  must  have  Victuals. 
They  said  they  had  gone  to  every 
market  and  tried  to  exchange 
their  L,abor  for  something  to  eat,  and  all  the  fleas  and  all  the 
salaried  barkers,  and  even  the  missionary  dogs,  had  laughed  at 
them  and  uttered  some  jargon  about  the  Labor  Market  being 

103 


104  THE   DOGS   AND   THE   FLEAS. 

Glutted,  which  some  dogs,  well  educated  in  foreign  languages, 
had  translated  unto  them  to  mean,  that  a  very  great  deal  of 
Labor  would  buy  only  a  very  little  bone  with  a  very  little  meat 
on  it,  and  that  all  skin  and  gristle.  They  had  tried  to  find  a 
place  at  the  Handle  of  the  fleas'  Blood  and  Bones  Grindery,  but 
had  with  difficulty  escaped  being  thrown  into  the  hopper.  And 
having  nothing  but  Virtue  to  sell  for  Victuals  they  had  sold 
that ;  and,  strange  as  it  might  appear,  that  fetched  a  far  better 
price  than  honest  toil.  So,  if  in  the  market  Labor  was  held  in 
such  contempt,  they  did  not  see  that  they  were  bound  to  hold  it 
in  reverence,  and  if  Society  made  it  easier  for  poor  dogs  to  be 
wicked  than  virtuous,  that  was  Society's  look-out,  not  theirs. 

So  the  dirty  dogs  lived  with  less  discomfort  than  honest  and 
virtuous  dogs — that  is,  than  those  who  passed  for  honest  and 
virtuous ;  for  there  were  multitudes  of  respected  dogs  that 
passed  by  daylight  as  good  and  proper  dogs,  that  sneaked  away 
"at  midnight  to  the  haunts  of  the  filthy  dogs,  to  see  them  dance. 
And  there  were  to  be  found  there,  too,  very  many  of  the  most 
highly  respected  members  of  the  Church  of  the  Fleas,  who 
took  pleasure  in  the  dances  of  the  filthy  dogs  and  paid  good 
prices  for  admission  thereto,  who  wouldn't  have  had  the  fact 
known  for  the  world. 

Now,  certain  zealous  members  of  the  Church  of  the  Fleas,  who 
were  gifted  with  very  long  and  sharp  noses,  which  they  were 
eternally  poking  into  business  not  their  own,  got  to  know  of  the 
existence  and  occupation  of  the  filthy  dogs ;  and  they  were 
greatly  scandalized  thereby  ;  for  these  dogs  were  not  only  vile 
and  depraved — which  was  bad — but  were  escaping  the  tribute 
all  dogs  were  divineW  appointed  to  pay  to  the  support  of  the 
fleas — which  was  worse.  Therefore,  for  these  two  reasons,  were 
they  determined  to  break  up  their  business  and  drive  them 
forth  to  earn  their  living  by  what  they  called  honest  toil,  that 
is,  by  grinding  and  fainting  at  the  Handle  of  the  Blood  and 
Bones  Grindery. 


THE  DOGS  AND  THE  FLEAS.  105 

These  good  suckers  were  awfully  "  concerned  for  the  spiritual 
welfare  "  of  these  bad  dogs — that  is,  they  were  awfully  afraid 
they  were  going  to  Hell  the  wrong  way ;  aud  they  were 
determiued  to  drive  them  into  the  right  way.  So  they  called 
upon  the  police  dogs  to  suppress  them,  to  drive  them  into  the 
highways  and  make  them  "move  on."  But  they  could  not 
tell  the  police  where  they  were  to  "move  on"  to;  and  the 
police  didn't  know,  and  the  comfortable  dogs  didn't  worry,  and 
the  rich  fleas  didn't  care,  and  everybody  else  said  it  was  none  of 
his  business  ;  and  so  everything  was  in  a  muddle,  and  nothing 
much  w^as  done,  save  that  occasionally  one  of  the  dirty  dogs  got 
hit  on  the  head. 

But  in  process  of  time  there  arose  a  mighty  dog  of  a  prophet 
that  got  exceeding  much  meat  and  a  great  deal  of  soft  comfort 
for  ministering  in  one  of  the  churches  of  the  fleas.  He  was 
the  Very  Reverend  Doctor  Immaculate  Barkworst,  and  he  had 
a  very  much  swollen  head,  with  a  bump  of  self-conceit  upon  it 
that  stood  up  like  a  pinnacle.  Aud  he  preached  thus  unto  the 
sleek  fleas: 

"  Brethren,  ye  know  of  this  scandal  of  the  filthy  dogs  in  our 
midst,  how  it  is  corrupting  our  youth  and  deteriorating  the 
quality  of  the  honest  dogs  that  labor;  so  that  Labor — the  noblest, 
the  most  sacred  and  God-blest  occupation  that  dogs  can  be 
called  unto,  and  which  fleas  are  divinely  7iot  called  unto — will 
fall  into  contempt,  and  the  revenuesof  the  fleas  ^'owr  re  venues, 
my  dearly  beloved  masters — will  begin  to  diminish. 

"  Oh,  my  dear  masters  !  The  strength  and  safety  of  our  coun- 
try lie  in  keeping  our  dogs  virtuous  and  industrious,  and  culti- 
vating within  them  the  love  of  the  sacred  and  healthily  stimu- 
lating amusements  of  singing  psalms  and  muttering  credos. 

"But,  my  brethren  and  beloved  masters,  it  is  well-known  that 
these  scandalous  dogs  do  mock  at  honest  toil  and  Virtue,  aud 
have  irreligiously  set  up  Victuals  as  the  great  object  of  life  ;  and 
have,  moreover,  blasphemously  said  that  the  only  difference 
between  us,  the  salaried  barkers,  and  them,  is  the  difference  iu 


106  THE  DOGS  AND  THE  FLEAS. 

Victuals — thus  libellously  and  coutumeliously  insinuating  that  • 
we  do  not  love  Virtue  more  than  Victuals. 

"  Now,  my  dear  masters,  this  evil  must  be  driven  out  at  any 
cost.  We  have  laws  to  drive  them  out.  We  have  every  kind 
of  driving  out,  moving  on,  and  sin  suppressing  society  to  put 
them  down.  Why  are  they  not  driven  out  therefore  ?  Because 
the  police  dogs  are  vile  and  corrupt,  and  "stand  in"  with 
the  filthy  dogs.  I  denounce  these  police  dogs,  and  declare  that 
we  will  drive  out  the  filthy  dogs,  if  they  won't." 

And  all  the  sleek  and  unctuous  fleas  said  the  discourse  was  well 
spoken,  and  that  if  ever  there  was  a  true  follower  of  the  meek 
and  lowly  Jesus,  this  was  he.  And  straightway  the  zealous 
fleas  gathered  themselves  together  and  organized  the  "Filthy 
Dog  Driving  Out  Society,"  and  they  made  the  Very  Reverend 
Doctor  Immaculate  Barkworst,  the  President  thereof. 

And  Doctor  Immaculate  Barkworst  again  called  on  the  police 
dogs  in  the  name  of  the  Law  and  the  Lord  and  the  Driving  Out 
Society  to  drive  out  the  filthy  dogs.  But  the  police  dogs  made 
excuses  and  said  they  were  doing  the  best  they  could ;  and  if 
the}'  could  not  do  more  it  was  for  want  of  Evidence.  Where- 
upon the  Very  Reverend  Immaculate  waxed  wroth  and  said, 
"  Dogs  that  ye  are  ;  ye  unzealous  for  souls  ;  ye  cowardly  for 
Religion  ;  /will  get  Evidence." 

So  the  Immaculate  got  himself  up  in  slouchy  raiment,  and 
taking  with  him  several  soft-headed  bow-wows,  also  got  up  in 
slouchy  raiment,  proceeded  one  moonless  midnight,  by  divers 
dark  and  devious  ways  (which  came  natural  to  him),  to  the 
haunt  of  the  filthy  dogs,  and  having  knocked  at  the  door,  waited 
for  admission. 

Whereupon  the  Inside  Guard  of  the  Haunt  peered  through 
the  wicket  of  the  door,  and  seeing  strangers  there,  demanded  of 
them,  "  Who  are  ye,  and  what  want  ye?  " 

To  which  demand  the  Immaculate  replied,  "  We  be  Jays  and 
Hayseeds  from  a  far  country,  and  seekers  after  midnight 
pleasures." 


THE  DOGS  AND  THE   FtEAS.  107 

"  Are  ye  true  and  honest  seekers  ?  "  asked  the  Inside  Guard. 

"In  the  name  of  honesty  and  all  verity,  we  are,"  answered 
the  Immaculate. 

"But,  how  shall  I  know  that  ye  are  not  spies?  "  queried  the 
Inside  Guard. 

"  By  our  proving  to  you,"  said  the  Immaculate,  "  that  we  are 
really  and  truly  filthy  dogs,  like  unto  you." 

"  But,"  said  the  Inside  Guard,  'something  about  your  garb 
seems  to  indicate  that  thou  and  thy  fellows  are  not  what  thou 
sayest  ye  are  ;  that  ye  are  are  not  really  filthy  dogs.  Wilt  thou 
swear  to  me  that  ye  are  what  thou  sayest  ye  are  ?  " 

"Yea,  verily,  will  I,"  replied  the  Immaculate  Barkworst, 
"  I  do  solemnly  swear,  that  /  am  a  dirty  dog,  a  very  dirty  dog  ; 
that  in  spite  of  something  in  my  garb,  I  am  a  low-down,  filthy 
reveller  from  Filthville,  and  that  these,  my  pals,  are  as  filthy  as 
I,  if  not  filthier.  Behold,  also,  we  have  the  wherewithal  to  pay 
for  seeing  your  sports." 

But  the  Inside  Guard  still  suspiciously  hesitated,  and  said, 
"Pardon  me  if  I  seem  discourteous  in  keeping  ye  thus  long  in 
the  cold  ;  but  we  are  such  harassed  aud  hunted  dogs  ;  there  are 
so  many  Societies  seeking  our  destruction  and  scatteratiou,  that 
we  are  obliged  to  be  very  cautious  and  careful ;  and  ye  may  be 
spies  also  seeking  to  betray  us.  Now,  will  ye  swear  unto  us 
that  if  we  deal  faithfully  with  you,  ye  will  also  deal  faithfully 
with  us?  " 

And  the  Immaculate  and  the  other  sneaks  replied,  "We  will, " 
and  they  swore. 

But  the  Inside  Guard  said  to  the  Immaculate,  "  There  yet 
seems  to  be  something  about  thee  that  betokens  that  thou  hast 
been  and  lived  somewhere  where  the  Spirit  of  Christ  is,  and 
may  have  somewhat  of  a  taint  of  that  Spirit  upon  thee,  in  which 
case  thou  canst  in  no  wise  be  admitted." 

And  the  Very  Reverend  Doctor  Immaculate  Barkworst  was 
grieved  to  be  kept  so  long  at  the  door  ;  and  he  said,  "  Before 
Heaven,  I  do  solemnly  swear  that  there  is  no  taint  of  that 


108  THE  DOGS  AND  THE  FLEAS. 

objectionable  Spirit  on  me.  The  Odor  thou  smellest  on  me  is 
the  real  old  honest  one  that  belongs  to  an  Old  Frequenter, 
•which  I  am.  Search  me,  try  me,  examine  me,  smell  of  me,  and 
thou  shalt  find  not  the  slightest  trace  of  that  Spirit  about  me. 
And  as  with  me,  so  it  is  with  these,  my  pals." 

And  the  Inside  Guard  called  assistants,  and  they  examined 
him  with  strong  magnifying  glasses,  and  turned  him  over  and 
inside  out,  and  probed  him  and  smelt  of  him,  and  tested  him 
chemically,  and  finding  no  trace  of  the  Spirit  of  Christ  in  him, 
and  that  he  had  told  the  Truth,  they  said,  "  Pass  him  in  ;  he  is 
a  genuine  dirty  dog  like  unto  the  dirtiest  of  us,  and  no  spy." 

So  the  Reverend  Immaculate  and  the  other  dirty  bow-wows 
had  a  high  old  time  ;  and  they  saw  all  the  sports  and  the 
dances ;  and  they  made  themselves  at  home  and  hugely  en- 
joyed the  dirty  revel ;  and  never  once  did  any  of  them  betray 
the  slightest  sign  that  they  had  so  much  as  heard  of  Jesus. 

But  afterwards,  this  dirty  dog  of  a  prophet  got  up  in  the 
Church  of  the  Fleas,  and  boasted  of  the  things  he  and  his 
fellow  dirty  ones  had  done  ;  of  the  dark  and  devious  ways  by 
which  they  had  gone  to  the  Haunt  of  the  filthy  dogs  and  got 
Evidence  ;  of  the  lies  they  had  told  and  acted  to  obtain  an 
inside  sight  thereof ;  of  the  filth  they  had  smeared  themselves 
over  with  to  identify  themselves  with  the  filthy  ones  ;  of  the 
risk  they  had  run  of  being  caught  by  the  police  dogs  and  "  run 
in,"  as  part  of  the  ungodly  crew,  and  of  the  terrible  plight  they 
would  have  been  in — had  the  police  dogs  caught  them — to  ex- 
plain to  those  undisceruing  and  thick-headed  animals  that  they 
were  rolling  in  the  filth  for  a  high  and  lofty  moral  purpose,  and 
to  the  glory  of  God,  and  were  breaking  the  law  in  order  to  get 
it  enforced ;  how  they  had  plighted  their  troth  with  them  in 
order  that  they  might  gain  their  faith  in  order  to  violate  it,  and 
betray  them  to  the  police  dogs,  to  be  worried  and  mutilated 
and  made  to  "  move  on." 

And  all  the  Church  of  the  Fleas  applauded,  and  said  he  was  a 
right  lovely  dog,  who  had  given  the  ELingdom  of  Heaven  on 


THTt  DOGS   AND  YHK   FLEAS. 


109 


Earth  a  tremeudous  shove  forward,  and  brought  Society  within 
nieasureable  distance  of  the  millennium,  and  had  shown  beyond 
doubt,  that  the  only  truly  efficacious  way  of  making  the  Blessed 
Gospel  Chariot  go,  was  to  get  the  police  to  push  behind  ;  and 
asked  a  special  blessing  upon  him,  and  made  him  up  a  special 
basketful  of  meat,  and  gave  him  a  holiday  to  go  across  the 
pond  and  rest,  and  lick  himself  clean. 

And  at  their  next  session,  the  "  Filthy  Dog  Driving  Out 
Society,"  resoluted  the  following  resolutions  : 

"Whereas:  Our  beloved  and  right  morally  lovely  servant, 
the  Very  Reverend  Doctor  Immaculate  Barkworst,  has,  at 
immense  risk  of,  and  peril  to,  his  own  virtue,  and  with  a  great 
sacrifice  of  Truth  and  Honesty,  explored  the  Haunt  of  Vice  in 
our  midst,  and  turned  thereupon  a  great  light,  and  has  caused 
the  vile  inhabitants  thereof  to  be  chased  out  by  Law,  to  "move 
on  "  and  die  and  rot — as  they  do  most  richly  deserve — and  has 
given  us  a  clean  city  once  more  ; 

"Resolved  :  That  we  approve  his  methods  ;  and, 
"Resolved  :  That  we  hold  it  to  be  an  irrefragable  truth,  that 
the  End  always  justifies  the  Means,  and 
that  any  follower  of  Jesus  may  lie  in  the 
cause  of  Truth ;  may  crawl  through  the 
foulest  and  most  stenchful  sewer  in  the 
interest  of  Purity  ;  may  break  the  Law  to 
get  Evidence  of  its  breach  by  others;  may 
break  the  most  solemnly  plighted  faith 
with  sinners  in  order  to  trap  them  into 
the  meshes  of  the  Law  ;  may  do  all  man- 
ner of  evil  that  good  may  come  of  it. 
And  finally  be  it 
"Resolved  :  That  the  relentless  infliction  of  the  penalties  of 
the  Law  is  the  onl}-  effective  remedy  for  Sin,  and  the  only  sure 
way  of  making  sinners  love  God  ;  and  that  He  who  said, 
'  Neither  do  I  condemn  thee  ;  go  and  sin  no  more,'  was  a  good- 
hearted  and  very  well-meaning  person,  and  all  very  well  for 


11.0 


THE  DOGS  AND  THE   PLEAS. 


those  antiquated  clays  ;  but  for  these  enlightened  and  progres- 
sive days,  there  is  noihing  like  a  well-organized  police." 

But  when  the  Very  Reverend  Doctor  Immaculate  Bark  worst 
returned  from  over  the  pond,  it  was  found  that  the  fresh  air  of 
Heaven  had  not  quite  removed  the  evil  odor  of  him  ;  for  some 
of  the  filth  with  which  he  had  smeared  himself  still  stuck  to 
him  and  made  him  disagreeable  to  decent  dogs  and  all  save  the 
fleas  of  the  church  and  the  multitudinous  Societies  like  his 
own  ;  and  in  their  nostrils  his  stenchful  odor  was  a  sweet  smell- 
ing savor. 

And  as  for  the  bow-wows  that  smeared  themselves  with  him, 
they  never  were  able  to  wash  themselves  quite  clean  again  ; 
and  it  was  afterwards  found  that  one  of  them  who  had  sworn 
that  he  was  a  dirty  dog  had  sworn  truly. 


CHAPTER  XX. 
Shows  How  Hard  it  Is  to  Establish  Piety  Amongst  the 

UnREGENERATE  ;     AND  -ALSO  WhaT   HAPPENS   WHEN  THE 

Irresistible  Comes  in  Contact  With  the  Immovable. 
— The  Blue  Thunderbolts. 


iMINENT  over  all  the  gangs  whose  objects  were  the 
'  'saving' '  of  dogs,  was  the  '  'Society  for  the  Protection 
of  the  Almighty."     This  was  the  gang  of  gangs,  the 
elite  of  the  rest,  the  real  and  truly  genuine  born- 
blinds,  live-bliuds  and  die-blinds.     It  had  its  origin 
countless  ages  before  the  founding  of  Canisville,  and 
had  been  in  all  those  ages  the  ever-ready  help  of 
fleas  in  the  bloody  exploitation  of  dogs. 
In  the  beginning  did  the  very  acute  fleas  discover  that  if  dogs 
were  to  be  thoroughly  and  easily  bled,  they  must  be  taught  to 
close  their  eyes  and  bow  down  and  believe  that  over  them  stood 
a  terrifically  awful  thing,  called  Almighty  Wrath.     And  in  those 

111 


112  THE  DOGS  AND  THE  FLEAS. 

early  times  most  dogs  had  closed  their  eyes  and  bo^ved  deem  in 
fear  of  the  Wrath  that  stood  over  them.  And  the  fleas  had 
prospered  mightily  thereby ;  for  they  had  taken  advantage  of 
the  dogs'  prostration  to  get  on  their  backs  in  fearful  numbers  ; 
and  when  the  dogs  had  howled  and  grown  restless,  they  had 
hired  the  salaried  barkers  of  those  times  to  bend  over  the  dogs 
and  pour  into  their  ears  that  it  was  the  Will  of  the  Almighty 
that  they  lie  quiet  under  the  bleeding  of  the  fleas,  the  penalty 
for  disobedience  of  which  Will  was  to  be  stricken  with  lightnings 
and  everlasting  destruction. 

But  in  spite  of  all  the  terrors,  divers  dogs  at  divers  times  did 
venture  with  pitter-pattering  hearts  to  slyly  steal  a  look  upward, 
and  seeing  nothing  real  there  but  fleas,  and  salaried  barkers 
bending  low  and  pouring  tales  of  woe  into  the  ears  of  prostrate 
dogs,  did  nudge  their  neighbors  and  tell  them  to  look  up  and  see 
for  themselves  that  there  was  nothing  there  ;  which  sometimes 
the  neighbor  timidly  did,  and  was  disillusionized  ;  but  more 
often  the  neighbor  dog  groaned  with  additional  terror  of  the 
suggestion,  and  closed  his  eyes  tighter  than  ever,  and  grovelled 
lower,  and  prayed  that  the  Almighty  would  forgive  the  wicked- 
ness of  the  temptation  and  the  audacity  of  the  tempter. 

However,  in  time  quite  a  number  got  to  furtively  peeping  up  ; 
and  each  dog,  seeing  others  peeping  up  too,  grew  bold,  and  not 
only  looked  up,  but  stood  up,  and  laughed  at  his  own  former 
folly  and  at  the  long  lines  of  foolish  dogs  bowed  down  in  fear  of 
Nothing. 

Whereupon  the  fleas  and  the  barkers  M'ere  alarmed  and  coun- 
selled together  as  to  what  was  best  to  be  done  ;  for  they  foresaw 
that  if  all  the  dogs  got  to  looking  up  they  would  see  that  the 
Almighty  Vengeance  was  a  Fiction,  and  might  also  proceed  to 
the  impious  length  of  casting  the  fleas  off  their  backs. 

So  they  agreed  that  something  strong  must  be  done,  and  done 
quickly,  or  the  Almighty  might  be  overthrown  and  perish. 
Some  of  the  fleas  counselled  that  the  barkers  increase  their 
diligence  in  assuring  the  prostrate  dogs  of  the  reality  of  the 


THE  nOGS  AND  THE  ELEAS.  113 

Wrath,  and  use  more  Itnaginatiou  in  the  recital  of  his  terrors. 
And  certain  barkers  of  naturally  gloomy  minds,  who  loved  to 
wander  at  midnight  amongst  the  skulls  and  bones  of  dead  dogs, 
and  to  meditate  until  their  imaginations  had  grown  lurid,  volun- 
tarily set  themselves  apart  to  invent  more  horrible  attributes 
and  diabolical  features  to  be  affixed  to  the  Almighty. 

But  some  of  the  barkers  objected  that  this  would  involve 
much  labor — which,  as  salaried  barkers,  they  were  on  principle 
opposed  to,  ease  and  good  feed  being  the  main  object  of  their 
lives — and  they  proposed  to  protect  the  Almighty  by  a  more 
easy  (to  them)  and  more  reliable  method.  They  said  that  the 
horrible  inventions  would  certainly  be  very  good  for  the  dogs 
which  were  still  prostrate,  and  there  were,  no  doubt,  some  good, 
conscientious  barkers  to  whose  gloomy  minds  the  horrible  in- 
ventions would  be  a  labor  of  love  ;  but  they  w^ere  sure  the  horri- 
ble inventions  would  be  too  late  for  the  dogs  which  had  already 
looked  up  and  got  to  laughing.  Why  not  turn  the  protection 
of  the  Almighty  over  to  the  police  dogs?  Themselves  would 
make  Blue  Thunderbolts,  and  set  the  police  dogs  to  launch 
them  at  every  dog  discovered  holding  his  head  up  and  laughing. 
Thus  the  Almighty  would  be  protected,  and  the  heavy  labor  of 
doing  it  would  devolve  on  other  dogs. 

This  proposition  was  received  with  great  favor,  and  was 
deemed  a  worthy  supplement  to  the  Horrible  Inventions. 

And  it  was  so,  that  the  most  gloomy-minded  barkers  with  the 
lurid  imaginations  were  set  apart  to  invent  the  horrible  attributes 
to  attach  to  the  already  too  horrible  Fiction  with  which  they 
terrified  the  prostrate  dogs.  These  lurid-minded  barkers  set  to 
with  gusto  and  zest,  and  very  soon  had  revised  and  re-created 
him  into  the  most  bloodily  cruel,  pitiless  and  unnatural  monster 
of  ferocity  and  hate  towards  those  who  did  not  want  to  bow 
down  to  him,  that  the  theology-debauched  canine  mind  had 
ever  conceived.  This  they  called,  generically,  the  Character  of 
God.  They  also  formulated  all  the  particulars  of  the  mani- 
festation of  his  imaginary  cruel  hate,  which  consisted  of  the  most 


114 


THE   iDOGS   AND   THK   FLEAS. 


blood-frccziug   terrors,    damuatious  aud  eternal    pains,    whicH 
they  called  by  the  generic  name  of  Hell. 

All  these  Horrible  Inventions  the  other  salaried  barkers  said 
were  most  glorious,  blessed  and  eternal  truths,  which  had  the 
sanction  of  all  true  believers,  and  they  were  to  be  poured  dili- 
gently into  the  ears  of  all  prostrate  dogs. 

And  they  did  pour  these  blessed  truths  into  their  ears,  with 
great  success  ;  for  many  of  the  dogs  at  the  recital  thereof  went 
into  fits ;  many  went  insane,  and  most  of  the  rest  terrifiedly 
burrowed  deeply  in  the  earth  in  their  desire  to  prostrate  them- 
selves still  lower. 

But,  as  had  been  prophesied,  the  up-looking  dogs  only  laughed 
the  more  at  the  great  Almighty  Fiction,  and  the  poor  fools  who 
bowed  down  to  it ;  and  they  even  barked  out  blasphemous  words 
of  contempt  of  the  new  woes  and  the  lurid-minded  inventors 
thereof. 

Whereupon  the  lurid-minded  barkers,  at  the  request  of  the 
fleas,  did  call  in  more  effectual  help  for  the  protection  of  the 
Almighty  ;  for  they  called  in  the  police  dogs,  and  gave  them  the 
Blue  Thunderbolts  which  the  other  barkers  had  invented,  and 

ordered  them  to 
launch  them  at 
the  contumelious 
dogs.  Which  the 
police  dogs  did. 
And  many  of 
those  contumel- 
ious dogs  got  it 
heavily  in  the 
neck,  and  fell 
over  dead  or  sore 
wounded;  which 
caused  the  rest  of  them  to  laugh  on  the  other  side  of  their  mouths; 
for  they  found  that  although  the  Almighty  Vengeance  might  be 
a  fiction,  the  Blue  Thunderbolts  were  terrible  facts. 


^llE  BOGS  AND  THE  J'l^EiAS.  il5 

And  the  Blue  Thunderbolt  launchers  got  to  like  the  sport  of 
keeling  over  contumelious  dogs  ;  for  it  gratified  their  brutal 
instincts  which  would  otherwise  have  been  wasted  in  torturing 
and  killing  other  creatures,  and  at  the  same  time  gave  them  a 
great  reputation  for  piety,  and  zeal  for  God  ;  all  which  was  very 
gratifying ;  for  they  found  it  exceedingly  cheap  and  easy  to  be 
pious  along  the  line  of  their  strongest  brutal  impulses.  And 
the  salaried  barkers  liked  it  too  ;  for  it  released  them  from  the 
hard  labor  of  persuading  the  dogs  to  bow  down  to  the  profitable 
Almighty  Fiction. 

But  the  lust  of  keeling  over  contumelious  dogs  grew  so 
strong  that  it  outran  the  supply  of  dogs  to  be  keeled  over;  and 
it  often  happened  that  the  dogs,  being  all  prostrate  and  in  fear, 
the  police  dogs,  armed  with  Blue  Thunderbolts,  found  no  one 
to  launch  them  against ;  which  they  looked  upon  as  a  most 
grievous  grievance  ;  and  they  thereupon  reproached  the  barkers 
with  giving  them  too  little  to  do.  So  the  gloomy  barkers,  think- 
ing that  a  little  extra  terror  might  be  a  little  extra  protection  to 
the  Almighty,  besides  keeping  the  police  dogs  in  a  cheerful 
frame  of  mind,  went  about  amongst  the  prostrate  dogs,  and 
arbitrarily  picked  out  many  whom  they  charged  with  thinking 
blasphemy  and  ridicule  of  the  Almighty  Fiction,  and  by  force 
stood  them  up  for  the  launchers  of  Blue  Thunderbolts  to  knock 
over. 

But  as  time  went  on  there  came  from  over  the  pond  many  new 
dogs  to  Canisville  who  did  not  know  anything  about  the  Almighty 
Fiction  or  Blue  Thunderbolts,  and  they  circulated  amongst  the 
prostrate  dogs  and  hustled  and  jostled  them  and  laughed  at 
them,  so  that  the  former  bold  dogs,  feeling  encouraged,  got  up 
and  laughed  too  ;  and  many  of  the  others  got  ashamed  of  their 
prostration,  and  took  a  little  heart,  and  ventured  to  look  up,  and 
little  by  little,  leg  by  leg,  they  got  up  and  walked,  and  laughed 
surprisedly  at  seeing  nothing  to  fear  but  Blue  Thunderbolts;  and 
the  lazy  barkers  found  it  too  much  trouble  to  get  them  to  lie 
down  again  ;  aud  the  police  dogs,  being  brutal  and  cowardly, 


116 


THE  DOGS  AND  THE  FLEAS. 


slunk  away  ashamed  and  dropped  their  Blue  Thunderbolts  in 
dark  holes  and  swamps  where  they  rotted  and  rusted. 

And  that  was  how  the  great  Almighty  Fiction  lost  his  almighty 
grip  on  the  dogs  and  went  under  a  cloud. 


CHAPTER  XXI. 

The  Sacred  Order  of  Ancient  Timers  and  Hoi.y  Retro- 

GRESSIONISTS,    AND   ThEIR    LUGUBRIOUS   RIT- 
UAL. 


barkers  were  all  true  and  immovable  believers  in 
the  musty  and  mouldy  old  doctrine  that  whatso- 
ever was  in  the  beginning  ought  to  be  now  and  for- 
ever, world  without  end,  amen.  So  they  still  held 
themselves  together  as  the  Society  for  the  Protec- 
tion of  the  Almighty,  as  they  had  found  by  past  sad 
experience  that  he  could  not  be  trusted  to  take  care  of  himself. 
And,  oh  !  It  was  a  solemn  and  sad  society,  that  did  nothing 
but  weep  and  mourn  for  the  "Good  Old  Days"  of  the  past, 
when  dogs  were  all  kept  with  their  noses  heavenward  (down- 
ward) by  the  wholesome  administration  of  Blue  Thunderbolts. 
And  they  formed  themselves  into  a  solemn  Order,  which  they 
called  the  "Sacred  Order  of  Ancient  Timers  and  Holy  Retro- 
gressionists. "  And  they  had  a  sacred  ritual  of  mourning  and  a 
service  of  weeping,  and  ordinary,  extraordinary  and  special 
days  of  moaning,  lamentation  and  bewailment,  and  prayer  for 
the  resurrection  of  the  dead  past. 

They  met  weekly  in  a  damp  and  dead  smelling  catacomb,  at 
the  solemn  hour  of  midnight,  and  by  the  darkling  light  of 
smoky  torches,  stuck  in  the  eyeholes  of  skulls.  In  the  center 
of  the  meeting  place  was  a  huge  crape-covered,  black  lachryma- 
tory or  weeping  pot,  around  which  they  gathered  to  moan,  and 
into  which  they  shed  their  tears. 

To  the  north  of  the  lachrymatory  was  stationed  the  Grand 
Lugubrious    Lachrymator,    supported   by   the    Worthy    Right 

117 


118  THE  DOGS  AND  THE  FLEAS. 

Hand  and  the  Worthy  Left  Hand  Weepers  ;  to  the  south  was 
the  Vice  Grand  Lugubrious  Lachrymator,  supported  by  the 
Worthy  Eyerag  Wringer,  and  his  assistant,  the  Assistant 
Worthy  Eyerag  Wringer.  To  the  east  was  the  Past  and  By- 
gone Lugubrious  Lachrymator,  and  opposite  him  was  the 
Worthy  Grand  Exalted  Moaner,  who  read  the  prayers. 

And  at  the  tap  of  a  funeral  bell,  the  Grand  Lugubrious  Lach- 
rymator read  from  the  Solemu  Ritual  these  words  : 

"Oh  mourning  brethren  of  the  Eternal  Tear  Drop  :  It  hath 
been  appointed  uuto  us  to  bewail  the  good  old  days  of  Prostrate 
Piety  and  Blue  Thunderbolts ;  when  the  glory  of  Jiimple  Faith 
was  as  the  sun  in  mid-heaven  ;  when  Reason — wicked  Faith- 
upsetting  Reason — was  in  chains ;  when  our  ever  glorious 
Almighty  Vengeance  and  beloved  Hell  reigned  supreme,  and 
blaspheming  questioners  were  stricken  dead  ;  when  dogs  every- 
where piously  and  in  the  fear  of  God,  gave  up  their  blood  to 
their  lawful  and  divinely  appoiuted  suckers,  the  fleas. 

"These  times  are  temporarily  past ;  but  our  holy  traditions, 
and  the  promises  made  by  our  Almighty  Vengeance — who  for 
some  great,  unfathomably  wise  and  mysterious  purpose,  has 
suffered  himself  to  be  cast  into  the  shade  for  a  time — tell  us 
that  the  ancient  glory  shall  be  re-established,  the  temporarily 
overthrown  throne  of  our  darksome  God  shall  be  again  set  up, 
and  to  him  again  shall  the  nose  of  every  dog  be  held  down  in 
the  dirt ;  the  blasphemers  and  up-looking  dogs  shall  perish  out 
of  the  land,  the  Blue  Thunderbolts  shall  be  refurbished  and 
shine  with  a  latter-day  glory,  that  shall  be  to  the  former  glory 
as  the  midday  sun  is  to  the  midnight  star.  How  saith  the  Vice 
Grand  Lugubrious  Lachrymator?" 

And  the  Vice  Grand  Lugubrious  Lachrymator  from  his  book 
of  the  Ritual  read  : 

"Yea,  Verily;  and  let  all  Ancient  Timers  and  Holy  Retro- 
gressionists  of  the  pure  and  genuine  musty  and  mouldy  odor, 
say  Amen." 


The  dogs  and  the;  fi,eas.  119 

At  which  all  the  assenibly  lifted  up  their  noses  and  groaned 
"Amen." 

Then  said  the  Grand  Lugubrious  Lachrymator  :  "The 
Worthy  Grand  Exalted  Moaner  will  now  put  up  the  Solemn 
Wail.     Let  all  bow  the  head." 

And  all  the  Order  bowed  their  heads  while  the  Worthy 
Grand  Exalted  Moaner,  from  his  book  of  the  Ritual,  recited  : 

"Oh,  Almighty  Vengeance,  Fiction  Eternal  :  Why  art  thou 
hidden  from  us  ?  Why  have  we  lost  thee  ?  Why  hast  thou  suf- 
fered the  clouds  of  unbelief  to  encompass  thee  ?  Why  hast 
thou  suffered  the  extinguisher  of  raillery  to  snuff  thee  out,  so 
to  speak  ?  Oh,  grief  be  unto  us  that  adversity  hath  overtaken 
thee,  and  the  blasphemer  and  the  pesky  sinful  dog  are  on  top  ! 
Oh,  we  did  prosper  by  thee.  Thou  wast  our  daily  bread.  We 
had  invested  in  thee.  When  thou  wast  the  AU-Powerful  Terror, 
then  were  we  in  power  ;  then  were  we  held  in  awe  and  rever- 
ence, and  many  basketfuls  of  meat  and  a  lazy  life  were  ours. 
But,  oh,  Ichabod,  the  glory  is  departed  and  our  house  is  left 
unto  us  desolate.  Mirth  and  gladness  are  fled  away  from  us  ; 
our  meat  is  diminished,  and  our  comfortable  lazy  life  is  turned 
into  a  daily  hustle,  and  none  but  fools  and  simpletons  esteem 
us  reverend. 

"  Oh  glorious  Past  !  Oh  departed  Power,  Greatness  and 
Glory,  come  again  from  the  dead  to  us.  Oh,  time  of  blessed 
dog  ignorance,  come,  oh,  come  back  again.  Oh,  shadow  on  the 
dial  of  time,  turn  back  ;  oh,  wheel  of  progress,  revolve  the 
hindward  way.  Oh,  Almighty  Fiction,  if  thou  canst,  re-estab- 
lish thyself;  set  up  thy  discarded  Hell  again,  and  cause  it  to  be 
respected.  Blight  and  blast  Thought,  Reason,  Progress  and 
all  other  modern  and  wicked  things,  and  cause  thyself  and  us 
once  more  to  prosper.  Meanwhile  we  wait  and  weep  *nd  wail, 
and  wail  and  weep  and  wait  for  thee.  Amen." 

The  Solemn  Wail  having  been  recited,  all  the  Order,  as  the 
last  act  of  the  service,  gathered  around  the  lachrymatory,  and 
shed  therein  all  the  tears  of  their  sorrow,  and  when  it  was  fu).l 


130 


THE    DOGS   AND   THE   FI^EAS. 


to  overflowing,  they  poured  it  out  ou  the  altar  as  a  libation  to 
their  horrible  God. 

After  which   sad    rite   the   service   was  adjourned,   and   the 
celebrants,  in  silence,  filed  home  one  by  one. 


CHAPTER  XXII. 

Rise  and  Progress  of  Bob  the  God  Stealer. — Omnip- 
otence IN  Danger. — How  the  Valiant  Blatherskite 
CAME  to  the  Help  oe  the  Helpless  Almighty. 


IN  the  latter  days 
^     of  the  sad  exist- 
■^    ence   of  the   So- 
ciety for  the  Pro- 
tection of  the  Al- 
mighty, there  arose 
tnoststrangeh'  from 
nowhere,    a     huge, 
heavy-footed    dog, 
that  ran  about  scat- 
tering   dismay   and 
confusion  amongst  the  sal- 
aried barkers,   by  encour- 
aging the  dogs  to  speak  dis- 
respectfully  of  the   various 
societies  in  general,  and  of 
the  Society  for  the  Protec- 
tion of  the  Almighty  in  par- 
ticular. 
A  very   independent    and    fearless    dog    was    he.     He    was 
endowed  with  a  voice  of  thunder  and  an  eye  of  lightning,  and 
he  had  a  set  of  great  sharp  teeth  that  seemed  to  have  been  made 


122  THE   DOGS   AND  THE   FI.EAS. 

especially  and  particularly  to  tear  and  worry  the  salaried  bar- 
kers, and  the  pious  dog   thumpers   and   clubbers. 

Wherever  they  gathered  together,  there  he  appeared  in  the 
midst  of  them  to  spoil  their  counsels,  to  frustrate  their  plans, 
and  drive  them  crazy.  Never  did  they  meet  save  to  devise  some 
new  waj'  to  harass  the  forlorn  and  hungry  dogs,  in  the  name 
of  God  and  to  the  enrichment  of  the  fleas,  and  never  did  they 
meet  but  they  had  to  meet  the  lightning  of  his  eye,  the  thunder 
of  his  voice,  and  the  cutting  snap  of  his  gleaming  teeth  ;  which, 
after  braving  and  enduring  a  few  times,  they  learned  to  respect 
by  tucking  their  tails  snugly  away  between  their  legs  and  scat- 
tering with  howls  of  pain  and  rage,  to  the  accompaniment  of 
the  laughter  of  the  poor  dogs  which  gratefully  recognized  in 
him  a  friend. 

All  the  pious  dog  thumpers,  the  virtue  compellers,  the  moral- 
ity cobblers  hated  him  because  he  boldly  told  them  that  the 
Tree  of  Virtue  could  only  grow  up  out  of  the  ground  of  Good 
Victuals  and  healthy  bodies,  which  they  said  was  a  wicked  and 
damnable  heresy  and  subversive  of  the  good  old  Gospel  of  the 
Club  ;  and  all  the  salaried  barkers  hated  him  because  he  laughed 
at  their  Almighty  Fii_tion,  and  called  it  the  ugly  creation  of  their 
own  diseased  brains. 

So,  not  being  able  to  face  him  in  a  stand-up  fight,  they  went 
about  seeking  his  destruction  in  sly  and  roundabout  ways. 

First,  they  tried  their  most  powerful  weapon — a  nickname. 
His  name  was  Robertus  Robustus,  for  he  was  of  great  strength. 
Therefore  they  went  about  amongst  the  poor  dogs  calling  him 
"Bob,"  for  it  was  a  sacred  religious  principle  with  all  salaried 
barkers  to  call  everyone  that  was  obnoxious  to  them,  by  a  con- 
temptuous nickname.  They  had  discovered  through  long 
experience  that  heresies  amongst  dogs  were  more  easily  pre- 
vented than  cured  ;  that  it  was  more  efficacious  to  bring  any  one 
into  contempt  with  them,  than  to  let  them  see  him,  hear  him 
and  judge  of  him  for  themselves. 


THE  DOGS  AND  THE    FLEAS.  133 

So  they  called  him  "Bob,"  aud  sneered  over  his  name  when- 
ever they  spoke  of  him;  and  they  tried  to  get  the  dogs  to  have  a 
horror  of  him  by  describing  him  as  a  beast  with  horns,  hoofs 
and  a  long  spiked  tail  ;  aud  bore  other  false  witness  against  him  ; 
"for,"  said  they,  "the  case  is  urgent ;  the  very  existence  of  our 
God  is  imperilled,  and  a  little  false  witness  to  save  him  He  will 
surely  pardon,  for  all  is  fair  in  love  and  theological  war." 

But  what  caused  these  salaried  barkers  to  hate  him  so 
intensely  was  the  fact  that  "Bob"  was  a  very  good  and  noble 
dog,  and  showed  more  real  kindness  of  heart  and  love  for  the 
dowu-trodden  and  afflicted  dogs  than  they.  They  reasoned 
amongst  themselves,  and  boldly  told  the  dogs  that  all  God-de- 
spisers,  all  belittlers  of  the  Almighty  Fiction,  always  had  been 
bad,  must  necessarily  be  bad,  and  therefore  "Bob"  the  God 
despiser  and  ridiculer,  must  necessarily  be  bad  too  ;  that  all  con- 
tempt of  the  ever  blessed  Almighty  Vengeance,  and  his  ever 
glorious  Hell  and  the  benign  eternal  tortures,  did  and  must 
proceed  from  a  corrupt  and  wicked  heart ;  that  none  but  believ- 
ers in  the  Unutterable  Horror,  were  or  could  be  good  ;  therefore, 
"Bob's"  heart  must  be  rotten  and  his  life  wicked.  And  when  a 
dog  objected  that  \h&/act  that  "Bob's"  life  being  good  did  not 
agree  with  and  justify  their  theory,  they  said  that  was  all  the 
worse  for  the  fact. 

So  they  proclaimed  abroad  that  "Bob's"  goodness  was  an 
irregular,  unsanctified  and  wicked  goodness,  more  wicked  than 
immoralit)'  ;  a  cloak  "put  on"  to  hide  the  devilishness  of  his 
purpose,  which  was  to  steal  their  God  and  leave  the  dogs  God- 
less ;  which  the  salaried  barkers  all  and  unanimously  declared 
was  a  great  step  to  the  next  greatest  misfortune — to  leave  the 
dogs  flealess. 

But  "Bob"  Robertus  Robustus  cared  not.  He  went  on  show- 
ing himself  and  laughing  at  the  Almighty  Monstrosity,  and 
pleading  with  the  remaining  prostrate  dogs  to  lift  up  their 
heads,  and  generally  making  the  many  societies  look  silly. 

So  the  salaried  barkers,  perceiving  that  this  big  dog  had 
grown  very  dangerous,  and  that  dogs  everywhere  were  growing 


134  THE  DOGS  AND  THE   ELEAS. 

ineverent,  and  that  instead  of  receiving  with  meekness  and 
with  the  wide  open  mouth  of  Simple  Faith,  the  large  chunks  of 
ancient  and  mouldy  dogmas  of  Orthodox  Religion,  with  which 
the  barkers  daily  fed  tliem,  were  falling  into  the  wicked  habit 
of  shutting  the  mouth  of  Simple  Faith,  and  opening  the  eye  of 
Reason,  and  smelling,  with  an  inquiring  smeller,  of  the  ancient 
and  mouldy  dogmas,  and  poking  the  nose  of  irreverence  into 
the  "why"  and  "wherefore"  of  all  the  sacred  humbugs, 
resolved  to  call  a  conference  to  devise  ways  and  means  to  stay 
the  ravages  this  dangerous  dog  was  working. 

All  the  little  and  lesser  salaried  barkers  came  to  the  confer- 
ence with  fear  and  trembling,  for  their  little  souls  were  weighed 
down  with  the  conviction  that  if  something  were  not  done  soon 
to  this  irreverent  dog,  it  was  all  up  with  them  ;  but  when  they 
saw  that  the  Reverend  Tee  de  Little  Wit  Blatherskite  was  there, 
they  took  heart  of  hope,  for  they  all  knew  him  to  be  a  most  val- 
iant defender  of  Simple  Faith  and  enemy  of  Reason. 

One  of  them  therefore  arose  and  said  :  "Brethren  and  fellow 
barkers  ;  we  to  whom  has  been  committed  the  care  of  the  ever 
holy  dogmas,  upon  which,  up  to  the  present,  we  have  been 
enabled  to  preserve  the  blessed  hoary  mould  and  the  ancient 
musty  smell,  are  gathered  here  to-day  by  a  common  sense  of  a 
common  peril.  Ye  know  that  there  hath  arisen  amongst  the 
dogs  a  fierce  and  wicked  dog  of  large  dimensions  and  great 
strength,  who  is  teaching  them  to  laugh  at  sacred  things  and 
bring  us  into  contempt.  Now,  it  follows  that  if  we  are  brought 
into  contempt,  not  only  will  our  living  be  gone  (which  is  the 
thing  of  greatest  moment),  but  the  divinely  ordained  relations 
between  the  dogs  and  our  patrons  and  masters,  the  fleas,  will  be 
disrupted,  and  go  to  the  dogs  ;  and  we,  the  divinely  appointed 
guardians  of  those  sacred  relations,  shall  draw  upon  our  heads 
the  wrath  of  the  Monstrous  Fleas,  who  will  regard  us  as  un- 
faithful stewards  of  their  interests. 

"In  this  perilous  hour,  then,  we  need  some  one  who  will  point 
a  way  out  of  our  trouble.     I  am  happy  to  say  I  seie  with  us  our 


THR  DOGS  AND  THE  FlEaS.  125 

Valiant  friend,  the  Reverend  Tee  de  Little  Wit  Blatherskite." 
(^Immense  and  prolonged  barking  by  the  whole  assembly.)  "I 
need  not  say  he  is  our  champion.  Ye  all  intuitively  perceive 
that  there  is  none  so  fit  as  he  to  grapple  with  this  newly  arisen 
terror  of  a  dog. 

"I  propose,  therefore,  that  he  be  appointed  our  standard  bearer, 
our  sword  wielder,  our  lightning  discharger,  our  thunderer 
against  our  enemy. "  (Immense  and  prolonged  acclaim.)  "Is  he 
not  most  fit,  I  say,  to  be  our  champion  ?  Is  he  not  most  valor- 
ous of  mouth  ?  Pours  there  not  therefrom  the  most  undammed 
torrent  of  eloquence  that  ever  tumbled  from  the  lips  of  mortal 
barker?  Is  he  not  the  tried  and  proven  champion  Reason 
destroyer  ?  Yea,  verily,  brethren.  How  many  times  has  my 
soul  been  exalted  with  pride,  as  I  have  seen  him  in  battle  with 
Reason,  belt  him  over  the  head,  give  it  him  in  the  neck,  upper 
and  under  cut  him,  roast  him  in  the  ribs,  cross  buttock  him, 
overthrow  him,  kick  him,  kill  him."  (Great  barkiug.)  "Yea, 
verily,  brethren,  there  never  was,  in  all  this  world,  a  barker  so 
contrary  to  Reason,  so  deadly  a  foe  to  it  as  he.  He  is  worthy 
to  be  our  leader. "  (Loud  and  prolonged  acclaim,  and  cries  of, 
"  He  is  ;  he  is  ;  he  is ;  "  and  calls  of  "Blatherskite,  Blatherskite, 

Bl,ATHERSKITE.") 

Whereupon  the  great  Reverend  Tee  de  Little  Wit  Blather- 
skite arose  and  opened  his  mouth  and  spake  : 

"Brethren  of  the  Most  Holy  Order  of  Divine  Barkers:  I  feel 
proud  of  the  high  honor  ye  have  conferred  upon  me  in  calling 
me  to  be  your  champion  against  this  Goliath,  who  so  impudently 
Cometh  forth  to  defy  the  armies  of  the  living  Almighty.  Who 
is  this  dog  that  imagineth,  with  his  great  spear  of  Reason,  to 
smite  and  slay  our  ancient  Simple  Faith?  With  my  little  sling 
and  stone  will  I  smite  him,  and  he  shall  be  no  more.  My 
brother,  who  proposed  me  to  be  your  leader,  was  right  in  his 
generous  eulogy  of  me  ;  I  do  despise  and  hate  Reason  with  all 
my  soul.  I  hate  it  as  a  deadly  snake  and  trample  it  under  foot 
every  time  I  get  the  chance — which  is  every  time  I  speak.     This 


126 


THE  DOGS   AND  THE   FLEAS. 


wielder  of  the  spear  of  Reason,  this  Bob,  this  God-stealer,  is  an 
infidel  and  a  blasphemer,  and  will  go  straight  down  to  Hell,  like 
that  friend  of  his,  that  dirty  dog,  that  Tom  who  wrote  the  'Age 
of  Reason,'  and  was  tormented  of  our  God  for  it.  Oh,  my 
brethren,  he  suffered  untold  agonies  in  his  conscience,  and 
served  him  right,  too.  At  least  we  barkers  have  always  said  he 
did,  because  he  ought  to  have  suffered  if  he  didn't.  Some  there 
are  who  say  we  lie  when  we  say  he  suffered,  but  I  don't  believe 
that  our  God  would  allow  any  oue  to  preach  Reason  without 
making  it  all- fired  hot  for  him  ;  at  least  I  know  if  /  had  been 
God,  /  would  have  made  his  soul  shriek  with  pain;  /would 
have  tormented  him,  for  there  is  nothing  more  fatal  to  our  re- 
ligion and  our  interests  than  Reason.  Then  down  with  Reason, 
I  say,  for  it  is  the  whole  Devil,  and  every  truly  sanctified  barker's 
eternal  enemy. 

"  As  for  this  other  Reasoner,  this  Bob,  surely  we  can  kill 
him,  just  as  we  killed  his  predecessor,  Tom.  Never  call  him  by 
his  respectable  name  of  Robert  ;  uoue  but  barkers  and  true  be- 
lievers are  entitled  to  be  called  by  their  respectable  names. 
That's  how  we  overthrew  Thomas — by  contemptuously  calling 

him  Tom.  We  got  the  world 
to  deride  him ;  that  was  far 
more  easy  than  to  refute  his 
book.  Call  him  'Bob,'  then  ; 
and  brethren,  in  a  cause  so 
momentous  and  holy  as  this, 
ye  may  even  be  about  him  ; 
for  the  world  will  always  be- 
lieve anything  evil  about  a 
dog  with  a  bad  name  ;  but  if 
by  any  miracle  of  grace  he 
should  ever  be  converted, 
then  ye  shall  call  him 
Robert,  and  esteem  him  re- 
^j-^  spectable. 


THE  DOGS  AND  THE   FI,EAS. 


127 


"This  Bob  is 
an  awful  public 
danger;  if  he  be 
allowed  to  run 
around  loose  he 
will  steal  our 
God,  he  will 
overthrow  the 
Almighty  ;  he 
will  deprive  the 
dogs  of  the  ines- 
timable blessing 
of  having  some- 
thing  to  wor- 
ship. Already 
hath  he  some- 
what loosened  his  eternal  foundations,  and  shaken  his  immov- 
able fixtures,  and  on  several  occasions,  had  it  not  been  for  us 
rushing  to  his  rescue,  our  Almighty  must  have  been  overthrown. 

"Now,  brethren,  this  constant  strain  upon  our  minds,  this  per- 
petual anxiety  to  ward  oflF  this  beast's  constant  attacks  upon 
our  omnipotent  God,  is  wearing  us  to  skin  and  bone.  Some- 
thing ought  to  be  done  to  restrain  him.  Have  we  not  laws  to 
imprison  such  as  he?  Yea,  verily,  have  we.  Have  we  not 
laws  against  blasphemy?  Yea,  we  have.  Then  why  is  this  dog 
allowed  to  go  about  putting  our  God  in  peril  ?  Why  is  he 
allowed  to  go  about  sappiug  and  mining  under  his  feet  with 
intent  to  make  him  fall  ?  He  has  been  caught  many  times  bor- 
ing holes  in  his  anatomy  and  letting  in  the  daylight ;  he  has 
been  convicted  many  times  of  exposing  the  mystery  of  his 
flaming  eyes  and  his  smoking  mouth  and  nostrils,  yet  nothing 
has  been  done  to  him.  Where  are  the  police  ?  Where  are  the 
good  old  Blue  Thunderbolts.  Alas  !  they  rust  and  rot  in  the 
swampy  places,  where  our  cowardly  police  dogs  dropped  them 
when  Unbelief  reared  its  ugly  head  in  our  midst. 


128  THE   DOCS   AND   THE   FLEAS. 

"Oh  brethren,  what  we  ueed  is  a  great  revival  of  the  good  old- 
fashioued  Blue  Laws  and  the  Blue  Thunderbolts.  We  ueed  the 
re-erection  of  the  good  old  safeguards  wherewith  our  fathers 
surrounded  our  Almighty  God,  and  preserved  him,  which  the 
degenerate  dogs  of  this  day  have  allowed  to  fall  into  innocuous 
desuetude.  Oh  !  we  ueed  the  revival  of  the  good  old  methods, 
by  which  Reason  and  Unbelief  were  held  down  by  the  strong 
hand  of  the  L,aw,  and  the  eternal,  almighty  and  all-convincing 
truths  of  our  only  genuine  and  original  Gospel  were  given  a  show. 

"  No  wonder  that  True  Religion  and  Simple  Faith  prospered 
and  prevailed  in  those  days  ;  for  the  authorities  were  all  holy 
and  did  their  duty — the  police  were  effective.  And  no  wonder 
that  Reason  and  Unbelief  stalk  haughtily  abroad  today  and 
our  omnipotent  Almighty  is  despised,  rejected  and  shoved  to 
the  rear  ;  for  our  laws  are  obsolete,  and  our  authorities  careless 
and  indifferent  about  helping  him. 

"Let  us  then,  pray  for  a  great  outpouring  of  holy  zeal  upon 
the  police  ,  that  they  may  be  inspired  to  dig  up  the  good  old 
Thunderbolts  and  polish  them  for  use  again.  Is  not  this  Bob  dog 
a  public  nuisance  ?  Is  he  not  endeavoring  to  make  all  dogs  god- 
less, and  by  so  doing  endeavoring  to  overthrow  the  country,  even 
as  his  friend  the  Tom  dog  tried  to  do  in  his  day,  and  perhaps 
would  have  done  had  not  God  caused  him  to  die  an  infidel's 
death  ? 

"His  suppression,  then,  ought  to  be  the  public  concern,  and  I 
call  on  our  police,  our  rulers,  and  all  fleas  big  and  little  that 
have  the  love  of  God  and  Country  in  their  hearts  to  put  him 
down,  imprison  him,  and  forever  shut  his  mouth." 

At  the  conclusion  of  this  magnificent  burst  of  oratory  all  the 
assembled  barkers  burst  into  loud  and  prolonged  approbation, 
and  some  one  moved,  and  another  seconded,  and  another  sup- 
ported, and  the  assembly  unanimously  carried  a  Resolution  ;  that 

"Whereas,  Our  good  old  Almightj'  and  fearful  God  and  his 
blessed  eternal  Hell  are  menaced  by  a  certain  blasphemous  dog, 
of  the  name  of  Bob,  with  utter  destruction  and  overthrow,  and 


THE  DOGS  AND  THE   FLEAS.  129 

"  Whereas,  The  said  destruction  and  overthrow  of  the  said 
Almighty  would  lead  straight  and  swift  to  utter  godlessness 
amongst  dogs,  aud  to  the  setting  up  of  Thought  and  Reason  in 
his  place,  and 

"  Whereas,  In  the  setting  up  of  said  Thought  and  Reason, 
all  dogs  everywhere  would  be  led  to  shake  off  all  allegiance 
they  owe  to  the  divinely  appointed  fleas,  and  with  them  us  and 
all  our  vested  worldly  interests, 

'^Resolved,  That  we  call  upon  Pup  McPoodle,  his  counsellors, 
the  police,  and  all  who  have  the  safety  of  the  country  and  the 
welfare  of  dogs  at  heart  to  arise  at  once  in  their  might  and  rescue 
our  terribly  beleagured  aud  imperilled  God,  by  smiting  this  Bob 
and  all  his  following  with  a  great  smiting  greatly,  and  if  neces- 
sary killing  them  all,  and  hand  over  their  souls  to  us  for  damna- 
tion, which  we  undertake  to  do  with  all  solemnity,  neatness  and 
despatch." 

And  this  resolution  was  signed  by  all  the  Society  for  the  Pro- 
tection of  the  Almighty,  and  all  the  other  many  Anti-Evil  Socie- 
ties, and  all  the  eminent  and  Monstrous  Fleas,  and  was  carried 
by  Tee  de  Little  Wit  Blatherskite  and  other  choice-souled  bark- 
ers to  the  authorities.  And  the  authorities  said  it  was  a  very 
fine  resolution,  and  did  great  credit  to  the  holy  zeal  and  patriot- 
ism of  all  concerned  ;  and  nothing  would  give  them  greater 
pleasure  than  to  make  the  poor  dogs  more  miserable  if  it  were 
possible;  but  just  now  there  seemed  to  be  no  feasible  way  of 
doing  it,  and  they  were  afraid  that  their  Almighty  would  have 
to  wag  along  as  best  he  could,  for  the  present.  Anyhow,  they 
would  see  about  it — they  would  see  about  it. 


CHAPTER  XXIII. 

Dogs  Coming  to  Their  Senses.— A  Very  vSlow  Process. — 
M.\RVEi,i.ouSLY  Leather-headed  Economic  Reasoning, 
WHICH  Shows  That  Working  Dogs  are  Almost  as  Pig- 
headed AS  Laboring  Humans,  in  Discerning  Self  Evi- 
dent Facts. 


)OW  it  was  at  this  evil  time,  when  the 
meagre,  weak  and  bloodless  misery  of 
the  dogs  had  reached  its  depth,  and  the 
burden  upon  them  of  the  unasked-for 
means  for  their  salvation  was  heaviest ;  and  the  fleas  had  reached 
the  limit  of  their  biggest  and  tightest  expansibility,  that  a  vague 
terror  took  possession  of  the  fleas.  This  was  occasioned  by  th  e 
strange  behavior  of  the  dogs  at  various  times. 

Sometimes  a  dog,  right  in  the  midst  of  his  very  iusanest 
scratching  for  food,  would  flop  suddenly  down  in  the  gutter 
and  look  up  to  heaven,  and  sigh  and  sciatch  his  head  as  though 
he  had  a  dark  problem  on  his  mind,  the  solution  of  which  might 
be  found  up  there.  After  a  spell  of  this  sort  of  contemplation 
the  dog  would  as  suddenly  resume  his  insanity,  apparently  hav- 
ing concluded  that  his  looking  up  there  was  vain. 

130 


THE  DOGS  AND  THE  FLEAS.  131 

Then  it  was  uoticed  that  several  insane  dogs,  when  they  met, 
would  stop  and  all  together  look  up  to  heaven,  and  sigh  and  then 
look  into  each  other's  eyes,  as  though  seeking  therein  for  light 
on  some  dark  conundrum  ;  when,  after  a  few  moments  of  such 
contemplation,  they  would  all  simultaneously  let  off  a  bark  of 
disappointment,  resume  their  insanity  and  scatter. 

On  brilliant  moonlight  nights,  some  of  the  dogs  that  had 
looked  up  to  heaven  in  the  daytime  and  seen  nothing,  would 
stare  up  at  the  moon  for  a  long  time  and  wag  their  tails  and 
heads  with  apparent  satisfaction,  and  bark  vociferously  ;  but  no 
one  gave  heed  to  them,  as  they  were  said  to  be  lunatics. 

Others  meandered  down  to  the  edge  of  the  pond,  and  after 
gazing  in  a  distraught  and  far-away  manner  for  a  time,  would 
shake  their  heads,  and,  suddenly  turning  tail,  would  scamper 
off  and  fall  to  their  scratching  more  madly  than  ever. 

Sometimes  hundreds  of  them  would  gather  in  the  open 
places  and  look,  some  towards  the  East,  some  towards  the 
West,  some  towards  the  North,  and  some  towards  the  South, 
and  some  towards  the  zenith,  and  each  set  would  bark. 

And  it  was  told  the  eminent  fleas,  and  the  large  fleas,  and  the 
Monstrous  Fleas,  how  many  of  the  dogs  were  behaving.  And 
the  fleas  were  much  concerned,  and  called  all  the  wise  fleas  that 
could  be  found,  and  diligently  inquired  of  them  what  time  this 
erratic  behavior  had  broken  out,  and  what  it  might  meau  ? 

And  the  wise  fleas  answered  they  didn't  know  unless  it  was 
that  some  queer  and  unusual  disease  had  broken  out  amongst 
them,  and  they  were  having  spells  of  sanity,  and  might  dur- 
ing those  spells,  be  thinking  and  pondering  and  meditating,  in 
which  case  it  behooved  the  fleas  to  watch  them  closely  and 
take  steps  to  apply  some  remedy. 

Some  of  the  fleas  said  that  was  sound  advice  and  ought  to  be 
taken  at  once,  as  thinking  was  the  very  worst  disease  a  dog 
could  have.  Experience  had  shown  that  this  disease  was  a 
most  insidious  one,  whose  first  symptoms  were  very  insignifi- 
cant and  unimportant,  but  in  time  developed  into  a  most  con- 


132  THK   DOGS   AND   THK    KLEAS. 

tagious,  infectious  and  deadly  plague,  and  they  would  advise 
that  a  Board  of  Health  be  organized  at  once,  and  a  number  of 
inspectors  be  appointed  to  make  domiciliary  visits  amongst  the 
dogs  to  ascertain  and  report  on  their  mental  condition.  Thus,  a 
possible  epidemic  of  thinking  might  be  checked  in  its  incip- 
iency,  and  a  possibly  great  calamity  avoided. 

But  most  of  the  fleas  said  they  didn't  think  there  was  any 
cause  for  alarm— at  least  just  now  ;  for  if  the  dogs  had  really 
caught  the  thinking  infection,  it  was  so  slightly  that  it  would 
amount  to  nothing  ;  but  if  the  case  should  really  grow  serious, 
the}^  had  great  confidence  that  the  police  dogs  were  so  good  and 
faithful  (being  well  fed),  that  any  very  serious  case  would  be 
promptly  quarantined ;  and  if  extreme  measures  should  be 
called  for,  the  dog  so  afflicted  could  be  killed  ;  which  was,  in 
the  opinion  of  all  eminent  fleas,  an  infallible  cure  in  the  case  of 
that  dog,  and  an  infallible  preventive  of  the  disease  in  any  other. 

So  the  fleas  went  on  making  themselves  comfortable  and  did 
not  form  any  Board  of  Health. 

The  dogs,  however,  got  no  better,  and  still  went  about  staring 
at  vacancy. 

One  day  a  dog  that  had  flopped  down  in  the  gutter  to  sigh 
and  scratch  his  head,  and  look  up  to  heaven,  seeing  another 
dog  looking  up  into  heaven  said  unto  him  :  "  Why  gazest  thou 
so  earnestly  up  into  heaven  ?  " 

And  the  other  dog  said  :  "  And  why  gazest  thou  so  earnestly 
up  into  heaven  ?  " 

And  the  first  dog  replied  :  "  Because  I  am  convinced  that  it 
comes  from  above." 

And  the  second  dog,  encouraged,  said  :  "  That  also  is  my  con- 
viction. I  am  sure  we  work  hard  enough  to  make  a  living,  yet 
the  harder  we  work  the  harder  it  is  to  make  a  living." 

"It  is  a  mystery,"  said  the  first  dog. 

"It  is,  indeed,"  replied  the  second  dog,  "a  great  and  deep 
myster}'^  It  must  be  that  Heaven  is  angry  with  us  for  our  sins, 
and  that  this  our  everlasting  hunger  and  defeat  of  the  object  of 


THE   DOGS   AND  THE   FLEAS.  1:33 

all  our  life-long  scratching  for  food  is  Heaven's  chastisement, 
which,  as  the  good  missionaries  and  Tee  de  Little  Wit  Blather- 
skite have  so  often  told  us,  though  for  the  present  it  seemeth 
grievous,  will  at  last  work  out  for  us  a  far  more  exceeding 
plenty  in  the  grubful  Canaan  up  there." 

Which  far-away  heavenly  prospect  made  them  both  sigh  tre- 
mendously, and  bring  their  gaze  back  again  to  earth,  where 
they  saw,  not  many  yards  away,  another  dog  looking  up  into 
heaven.  He  gazed  thitherward  for  a  long  time,  and  sadly  sigh- 
ing, was  about  to  resume  his  normal  insanity  and  rush  off, 
when  he  gave  a  terrible  yelp,  which  was  caused  by  an  unusually 
venomous  nip,  by  an  unusually  large  and  powerful  flea,  right 
in  the  region  of  the  root  of  his  tail.  Turning  to  pay  attention 
to  the  trouble  there,  he  saw  a  lot  of  fleas  skipping  aud  scamp- 
ering about,  and  having  a  most  hilarious  time,  and  some,  he 
imagined,  were  laughing  at  him. 

Why  he  paid  especial  regard  to  such  a  common  phenomenon, 
he  did  not  know  and  could  not  have  told.  Probably  it  was 
because  he  was  afflicted  with  a  more  than  usually  bad  spell  of 
sanity  and  mental  lucidity,  and  had  what  the  other  dogs  called 
a  "Jag"  on,  during  the  continuance  of  which  he  had  visions  of 
things  as  they  really  were.  Whatever  the  reason,  he  stared  at 
them  even  more  fixedly  and  concentratedly  than  ever  he  had 
gazed  up  into  heaven.  His  eyes  grew  big  and  bulged,  and  the 
longer  he  stared  the  bigger  they  grew  and  the  more  they  bulged. 
Then  slowly  there  came  into  them  a  strange  and  unaccustomed 
light,  as  of  a  consciousness  that  was  returning  after  a  prolonged 
absence  from  home.  After  a  time  he  winked  an  eye  and  then 
rubbed  both  very  hard  with  his  paws,  and  ejaculated  :  "Blamed 
if  I  don't  think  I  have  been  looking  in  the  wrong  direction.  I 
don't  think  it  comes  from  above,  after  all.  I  do  believe  it's 
fleas."  And  he  wagged  his  head  sapiently  and  looked  at  the 
fleas  again,  and  wagged  his  head  once  more,  which  having  done 
several  times,  as  though  to  confirm  himself  in  the  surety  that  he 


134  THE   DOGS   AND   THE   ELEAS. 

had  really  made  a  great  discovery,  lie  trotted  away  ;  and  the 
other  two  observing  dogs  followed  him. 

He  trotted  away  to  where  some  of  the  other  dogs  were  gazing 
steadfastly  up  into  heaven,  and  poking  some  of  them  in  the  ribs 
he  cried,  "Fleas,  fleas;"  then  leaving  them  to  growl  and  curse 
his  disturbance  of  their  meditations,  he  trotted  down  to  a  group 
that  were  gazing  far  away  over  the  pond,  and  poking  some  of 
their  ribs,  he  cried,  "Fleas,  ye  blind!  Fleas;"  and  leaving 
them  to  snarl  and  curse,  he  betook  himself  to  the  public  places 
where  sundry  groups  were  gazing  and  barking  towards  the  East 
and  towards  the  West,  and  towards  the  North  and  towards  the 
South,  and  cried  aloud,  "Fleas,  ye  fools  !  Fleas."  But  most  of 
the  dogs,  whofe  gazing  was  thus  rudely  disturbed,  took  umbrage 
thereat,  and  chased  him,  and  demanded  to  know  why  he  had 
thus  violently  and  ill-behavedly  broken  in  upon  their  medita- 
tions? 

"  Because,"  said  he,  "I  want  you  to  look  in  the  right  direction; 
I  have  just  found  out  what  is  amiss  with  us  all — it  \s  Jlcas ; 
Fleas,  and  no  thing  bit  I /leas.'' 

But  the  heavenward  gazers  said  :  "  Not  so  ;  our  troubles  come 
from  above  ;  it  is  Heaven  that  hath  mysteriously,  but,  no  doubt, 
in  infinite  wisdoiu,  afflicted  us,  as  say  the  salaried  barkers." 

"  Heaven  !  "  cried  another  crowd,  "  Nonsense  ;  they  do  not ; 
any  fool  can  see  they  come  from  the  East. " 

"Yes,  and  none  but  fools  can  see  they  come  from  the  East  or 
from  Heaven  ;  all  wise  dogs  know  they  come  from  the  Wast, 
from  the  land  of  the  almond-eyed,  long-tailed  Yellow  Dog," 
cried  the  Westward  gazers,  who  themselves  had  come  from  the 
East. 

'  'A  fine  lot  of  wise  dogs  ye  are  !  ' '  cried  the  Southward  gazers, 
"since  it's  as  plain  as  daylight  that  our  hunger  and  poverty  are 
entirely  from  the  South,  in  the  shape  of  those  inferior  kinky- 
haired  Black  Dogs  that  are  used  to  hunger  and  can  bear  it  better 
than  we." 


THE   DOGS   AND   THE   1-XEAS. 


135 


"Ha!  Ha!  Ha!  He!  He!  He!"  laughed  the  Northward 
gazers.  "  Come  off,  do.  That  is  the  silliest  explanation  yet. 
Anyone  with  the  smallest  and  feeblest  faculty  of  observation 
can  see  that  the  North  is  the  only  and  all  sufficient  source  of  all 
our  afflictions." 

"Bah!  Fools  and  idiots  that  ye  are!"  yelled  the  pondward 
gazers.  "Ye  are  all  wrong  ;  any  one  can  see  that  our  troubles 
are  all  due  to  the  coming  of  those  dirty  dogs  from  over  the  pond, 
from  Hungryland,  Dirtland  and  Choleralaud. " 

"Yes,"  cried  a  little  crowd  that  had  arrived  but  a  short  time 
from  thence,  "  It's  a  shame  to  allow  so  many  in,  filling  up  the 
country  and  snatching  our  bones.  There  ought  to  be  a  law 
passed." 


"And  if  it  had  not  been  for  your  coming,"  screamingly  re- 
plied a  crowd  that  had  arrived  a  long  time  before,  "we  would 
not  be  starving  now.  The  gates  ought  to  have  been  shut  long 
ago." 

"Aye,  Aye,"  sneered  a  lot  of  the  native  born  dogs,  "  the  day 
after  yon  got  safe  in,  of  course.  For  our  part,  we  think  it  a 
wicked  outrage  on  us  that  foreigners  were  allowed  here  at  all, 
taking  the  bread  out  of  the  mouths  of  the  rightful  owners  of 
the  country.  There  ought  to  have  been  a  law  passed  at  first  to 
keep  out  foreigners," 


l:J6  THE   DOGS   AND  THE   FLEAS. 

"And  where  would  your  fathers  have  been  then?"  sneered 
back  the  foreigners. 

And  the  contention  waxed  hot ;  each  angrily  vociferating  that 
all  the  others  were  fools,  idiots  and  liars,  and  they  put  out  their 
tongues  at  one  another,  and  snarled  and  growled  ;  and  at  last 
they  got  into  an  awful  fight;  from  which  many  of  them  emerged 
with  torn  ears  and  noses,  broken  legs,  loosened  teeth  and  am- 
putated tails. 

But  as  for  the  unfortunate  dog  that  said  "  Fleas,"  he  was  badly 
battered,  for  in  the  general  fight  every  one  of  the  combatants 
struck  at  him.     But  he  got  away  at  last  and  hid  himself. 

Nevertheless  there  were  some  of  the  far-away  gazers  that 
after  the  fight  could  not  help  thinking  over  the  suggestive  words 
he  had  let  fall  ;  and  they  thought  ih.aX. possibly  their  afflictions 
did  come  wholly  and  solely  from  their  fleas. 

The  consequence  was  that  these  dogs  took  to  regarding  the 
fleas  continually  and  very  intently  ;  and  other  dogs,  wondering 
what  they  were  looking  at  so  much,  began  also  to  look  at  the 
fleas. 


CHAPTER  XXIV. 


The  Thinking  Contagion  Makes  Alarming  Progress.— 

Conference  of  Frightened  Fleas. — Sage  Counsel. — 

Efficacious  Measures  Devised.— How  They  Worked.— 

The  Sacred  Trusts. — The  Holy  Angel's 

Book  of  Death. — The  Plague  Stayed. 


ND  it  was  told  the  fleas  that  a  dog  had  arisen, 
that  had  said  :  "  Fleas,  ye  fools,  fleas,"  and  had 
drawn  several  other  dogs  after  him,  whom  he 
had  taught  to  say  likewise. 
r-^j-^l  ^  And  the  eminent  fleas,  and  the  big  fleas,  and 
'  *iV*  the  Monstrous  Fleas,  gathered  themselves  to- 
gether, and  sent  a  quick  flea  unto  certain  wise 
fleas  saying,  "Haste  ye,  and  come  quickly  to  our  aid,  for  the 
dread  pestilence  hath  broken  out ;  tarry  not  in  all  the  way,  for 
the  matter  is  urgent." 

And  the  wise  fleas  came  on  the  hop  and  the  skip  and  the 
jump,  and  said  :  "We  told  you  so  ;  we  did  advise  you  not  to 
despise  the  day  of  small  symptoms  ;  but  ye  heeded  not  our  ad- 
vice. Therein  ye  did  err  ;  for  it  is  well  known  that  we  know  a 
thing  or  two.  We  did  advise  you  that  that  intent  gazing  of 
the  dogs  did  betoken  the  outbreak  of  an  epidemic  of  thinking 
amongst  them, Which,  had  it  been  grappled  with  then,  would 
have  been  easy  to  stamp  out ;  but  now  we  fear  the  disease  has 
made  dangerous  progress.  This  thinking  of  theirs  has  reached 
the  stage  of  audible  expression,  which  is  the  stage  of  most  rapid 
contagion  and  infection." 

"True,  true,"  said  a  Monstrous  Flea — Andronicus  Carniv- 
orous— pale  with  affright;  "We  are  credibly  informed  that 
some  of  these  dogs  have  even  lifted  up  their  voices  in  the  public 

137 


138  THK   DOGS   AND   THR    FLEAS. 

places,  aud  boldly  told  the  other  dogs  that  if  they  had  no  fleas 
they  need  never  be  hungry  ;  to  which  some  of  the  listening 
dogs,  it  is  reported,  replied,  'Down  with  the  fleas. '  And  we 
have  been  informed — but  for  the  truth  of  it  we  cannot  vouch — 
that  quite  a  number  of  those  suffering  from  this  truly  terrible 
thinking  disease,  have  formed  what  they  call  the  '  Flealess 
Dog  Club,'  which  slyly  meets  at  midnight,  and  dances  with 
delirious  joy  over  the  prophesied  coming  of  a  most  dreadful 
time  when  all  dogs  will  be  free  from  all  fleas  of  every  sort 
and  size." 

Aud  all  the  assembled  fleas  cried  out  in  chorus,  "  Alas,  what 
shall  we  do  ?  " 

But  the  wise  fleas  said,  "  Courage,  brethren  ;  all  is  not  lost ; 
there  is  a  margin  of  safety  left,  which,  if  utilized  properly,  will, 
with  God's  blessing,  restore  these  poor  dogs  to  their  usual  state 
of  insanity,  and  avert  the  danger  of  our  extinction.  Ye  ought, 
of  course,  to  have  grappled  with  this  malady  in  its  incipiency  ; 
nevertheless,  with  an  extra  eff"ort,  lost  time  may  be  made  up, 
and  the  disease  stamped  out.  A  Board  of  Public  Safety  must 
be  formed  at  once." 

"  Had  we  not  better  pass  a  law,"  said  a  Monstrous  Flea — 
Pharaoh  Phrique — "making  it  a  capital  offence  for  a  dog  to 
think,  and  have  all  the  guilty  ones  executed  with  great  tortures  ? 
There's  nothing  like  striking  terror  into  the  hearts  of  the  dogs, 
if  you  want  to  keep  them  good  and  healthy." 

"  AN-e  !  Aye!  chorused  all  the  others  fiercely,  "that's  the 
talk.'' 

"Pardon  me.  Brother  Phrique,"  replied  a  wise  flea,  "  for  dis- 
senting from  so  eminent  a  dog  killer  as  thyself;  but  all  wise 
fleas  have  found  that  the  only  true  and  efiicacious  way  is,  not 
to  kill  the  thinkers,  but  to  discourage  the  breed  ;  to  let  the 
thinkers  die  ofl"  naturally,  and  replace  them  with  a  breed  of  non- 
thinkers.  To  this  end  their  brains  must  be  watched,  and  where- 
ever  possible  no  thought  must  ever  be  allowed  to  enter  ;  aud  in 
those  cases  where  we  cannot  prevent  its  entrance,  we  must  give 


THK   DOGS  AND  THE   FLEAS.  139 

them  amusements,  distractions  and  other  substitutes  for  think- 
ing. We  must  use  artifice,  not  force  ;  we  must  lure,  not  compel  ; 
for  force  and  compulsion  would  defeat  our  aim  by  causing  tbeni, 
through  the  grievance  they  would  thereby  have  against  us,  to 
begin  thinking  most  grievously  ;  whereas,  by  fooling  them 
into  going,  of  their  own  accord,  in  the  way  we  want  them  to  go, 
we  would  accomplish  our  object,  and  at  the  same  time  leave 
them  to  feel  that  they  are  free  and  independent  dogs — which  is 
to  be  done  every  time." 

"Therefore  we  do  advise  that  the  Board  of  Public  Safety  de- 
vise all  manner  of  anti-thinking  devices,  and  put  them  in  oper- 
ation at  once,  for  there  is  no  time  to  lose.  History  shows  that 
wherever  the  empire  of  fleas  over  dogs  has  been  overthrown,  it 
has  always  been  due  to  the  neglect  of  the  fleas,  of  those  times, 
to  keep  up  to  due  eflSciency  the  auti-thiukiug  devices  of  those 
times.  Remember,  we  beseech  you,  that  eternal  vigilance  in 
keeping  the  dogs  from  thinking,  is  the  price  of  your  rule  over 
them. 

"  Now,  the  most  efficacious  anti-thinking  remedy,  is  hard 
work,  and  eternal  plenty  of  it.  Give  the  dogs  plenty  lo  do. 
Make  the  pace  fast  aud  furious,  and  cause  them  to  hustle  to 
stay  their  hunger,  aud  take  all  means  to  make  their  hunger 
get  ahead  of  their  hustling  ;  cause  them  lo  have  to  scratch  from 
early  morn  to  midnight,  so  that  the  moment  they've  done 
work  for  the  night,  they  will  fall  asleep  from  fatigue,  and 
never  wake  until  it  is  high  lime  to  be  at  their  scratching  again. 
Make  leisure  impossible,  and  idleness  synonymous  with  starva- 
tion, and  we  give  j'ou  our  word  of  guarantee,  that  the  dogs  will 
soon  be  on  the  way  to  recovery. 

"  But,  as  interminable  work  alone,  although  a  most  excellent 
— aud  the  main — remedy  for  thinking,  would  ia  the  end  sour 
their  minds  and  enfeeble  their  bodies,  and  so  reduce  their  yield 
of  blood — thus  defeating  the  main  purpose  for  which  a  wise 
Creator  created  them,  ar.d  predisposing  them  lo  crime  and 
wickedness — a  certain  amount  of  recreation  tnusi  be  allowed 


140  THE   noes   AND   THE   FLEAS. 

them.  In  this  need  of  recreation  lies  their  ouly  danger.  They 
must  not  be  allowed  much  recreation  ;  for  much  would  give 
them  time  to  think — which  must  be  especially  guarded  against. 
They  must  have  so  little  recreation  that  their  exhaustion  shall 
incline  them  only  to  amusements. 

"  But,  in  the  reaction  from  the  exhaustion  of  toil,  they  will  be 
apt  to  seek  mad,  unhealthy,  delirious  and  boily-weakening 
amusements.  Therefore,  it  behooveth  j-ou  to  provide  that  their 
amusements  be  both  recuperative  and  auti-thiuking.  Lo  !  We 
have  spoken." 

And  this  advice  of  the  wise  fleas  seemed  good  and  sage  unto 
the  other  fleas  ;  and  the  Monstrous  Fleas  (all  but  Pharaoh 
Phrique,  who  became  sulky  and  declared  that  the  wise  fleas 
were  a  lot  of  old  fogy  fools  not  to  see  that  to  hang,  shoot, 
choke  and  kill  the  pesky  dogs  was  the  shortest,  quickest  and 
altogether  the  most  efficacious  way  of  putting  them  down), 
said,  that  come  to  think  of  it,  the\-  believed  that  eternal  work 
was  the  finest  antidote  to  the  thinking  poison,  that  had  been 
devised,  for  they  had  noticed  that  though  their  dogs  that 
turned  the  great  Handle  had  at  various  times  displayed  alarm- 
ing symptoms  of  the  thought  disease,  they  were  happy  to  say 
they,  by  the  application  of  the  perpetual-work  remedy,  were 
now  almost  cured  ;  and  they  believed  that  with  care  in  keeping 
them  eternally  at  it,  the)-  would  suffer  no  relapse. 

So  the  fleas  formed  the  Board  of  Public  Safety.  And  the  first 
thing  they  did  was  to  send  a  committee  unto  McPoodle,  com- 
manding him  to  provide  them  gangs  of  police  and  other  dogs, 
to  go  by  night  through  all  the  highways  and  byways  of  Canis- 
ville,  and  rake  up  all  the  bones  and  scraps  and  broken  victuals 
they  could  fiiid,  in  order  that  the  dogs  in  the  morning  might 
have  to  scratch  long  and  furiously  to  find  a  mouthful. 

And  McPoodle  did  as  lie  was  commanded,  and  sent  his  well- 
fed  police  and  other  dogs  out  to  make  the  working  dogs  hungry. 
And  they  raked  and  scraped  the  highways  and  the  byways,  and 
gathered  up  all  the  food  there  was  to  be  seen,  and  sorted  the 


fat  DOGS  AND  "rnn  i^leas.  141 

Various  scraps  into  heaps,  and  carried  every  heap  iuto  a  Corner 
by  itself. 

And  the  fleas  commanded  McPoodle,  and  he  appointed  a  few 
of  the  most  eminent  fleas  to  be  Trustees  and  custodians  over 
each  heap. 

And  on  the  day  of  appointment  those  Trustees  and  custo- 
dians did  reverently  lift  up  their  eyes  to  heaven,  and  say  they 
accepted  the  custody  thereof,  as  a  sacred  Trust  from  God  and 
McPoodle,  and  did  solemnly  vow  that  they  would  administer 
that  Trust  in  the  fear  of  God,  and  altogether  in  the  interest  of 
the  dogs,  to  whom  they  had  a  deep  and  heartfelt  desire  to  make 
victuals  cheap.  This,  said  they,  not  because  they  loved  the 
dogs,  but  because  they  had  the  Corners  and  could  aff"ord  to  lie. 

Then  came  to  pass  all  that  had  been  predicted  by  the  wise 
fleas.  The  dogs  hungrily  ran  about  the  bare  streets,  seeking 
food,  but  found  nothing  but  a  few  chance  scraps,  that  had 
escaped  the  vigilant  diligence  of  McPoodle's  sweepers.  So 
ravenous  was  their  hunger,  and  so  scarce  the  means  of  satisfy- 
ing it,  that  the  dogs'  noses  were  ever  in  the  dirt,  and  grew  sore 
and  bloody  with  their  eternal  nosing  after  the  Something  that 
so  seldom  they  found.  As  for  their  eyes,  they  grew,  by  reason 
of  being  ever  strained  towards  the  dirt,  to  be  permanently  near- 
sighted and  microscopic,  so  that  larger  things,  such  as  hills 
and  trees  and  sky  became  indistinct  and  almost  invisible  to 
them.  And  as  for  their  brains,  they  shrank  and  shrivelled 
until  they  could  only  receive  one  thought,  and  that  was — 
Victuals. 

So  that  the  fleas  rejoiced,  and  were  glad,  and  the  wise  fleas 
were  held  in  great  honor  for  having  devised  so  great  a  salvation 
from  the  threatened  perils  of  the  thinking  plague. 

And  the  wise  fleas  warned  the  eminent  and  the  wealthy  fleas, 
to  be  sure  to  retain  the  advantage  they  had  gained,  and  keep 
the  dogs  well  starved,  for  nothing  kept  a  dog's  brain  so  thor- 
oughly fortified  against  the  invasion  of  uplifting  and  seditious 
thoughts,  as  perpetual  hunger  and  tearing  around  to  appease  it. 


142  THE   DOGS  AND  THE  FLEAS. 

Aud  the  eminent  and  the  wealthy  fleas  said  they  would  s£? 
to  it  with  pleasure. 

But,  by  and  by,  after  many  dogs  had  dropped  dead  in  their 
vain  strugi^dng  search  for  victuals  iu  the  cleautd-out  higiiways 
and  byways,  the  hungry  dogs  were  compelled  to  repair  lo  tae 
Corners,  and  beg  of  the  fleas  that  held  the  heaps  as  a  Sacred 
Trust  from  God,  to  give  them  a  mouthful  for  God's  sake  to 
keep  them  from  dying. 

But  the  lordly  fleas  that  had  the  Sacred  Trust,  spake  haughtily 
unto  them,  and  said  that  as  Heaven  had  most  wisely  seen  fit,  by 
means  of  the  Sacred  Trust,  to  give  the  fleas  the  Bulge  on  the 
dogs,  they  were  determined  to  be  faithful  to  Heaven,  and  use 
the  said  Bulge  to  the  glory  of  Heaven,  and  the  safety  of  Society 
which  had  but  verj'  recently  been  in  peril  of  destruction,  and, 
therefore,  none  but  good  and  moral,  lowly  and  obedient  dogs, 
that  had  never  held  seditious  thoughts,  had  never  tried,  or 
thought  of  trying,  to  shake  off"  their  fleas,  had  never  doubled  or 
been  tempted  to  doubt,  the  divine  and  indisputable  right  of  fleas 
to  suck  the  blood  of  dogs,  would  receive  any  scraps  from  the 
heaps  which  had  been  committed  to  them — the  Sacred  Trustees. 

And  all  the  hungry  dog-i  hastened  to  assure  the  Sacred  Trus- 
tees that  they  were  and  always  had  been  good  and  moral, 
obedient  and  uuseditious  dogs  that  had  never  doubted  the  divine 
rights  of  fleas. 

But  the  Sacred  Trustees  said  that  was  not  so,  for  they  had  a 
Holy  Angel  who  kept  a  Book  of  Death,  in  which  was  written 
with  everlasting  ink,  the  names  of  those  undesirable  dogs  whom 
certain  sneak  dogs,  called  Detectives,  had  reported  to  them  to 
have  been  guilty  of  thinking  and  speaking  evil  of  fleas  ;  and 
these  had  been  Blacklisted,  to  be  sent  away  into  everlasting 
hunger. 

Upon  which  they  commanded  the  Angel  to  read  out  the 
names  of  the  Accused  ;  who  were  ignominiously  driven  shriek- 
ing away,  by  the  police  dogs  who,  being  fat  and  well  fed,  did 
drive  them  away  with  pleasure,  and  club  them  with  alacrity. 


^HE  DOGg  AND  The  fleas.  143 

But  the  Blessed  Ones,  whose  names  were  not  written  in  the 
Book  of  Death,  did  criugingly  wag  their  tails,  and  lick  the  feet 
of  the  police  dogs,  and  reverentially  pray  their  good  lords,  the 
Sacred  Trustees,  to  give  them  something  to  push  the  walls  of 
their  stomachs  apart  with,  for  they  were  fallen  together  with 
hunger.  Thereupon,  the  Sacred  Trustees  were  graciousl}- 
pleased  to  order  certain  servant  dogs  to  throw  over  the  fence 
just  scraps  enough  not  to  be  sufficient  to  go  around,  and  to  keep 
the  dogs  avidiously  scrambling  and  savagely  fighting  for  them. 

This  policy,  said  the  wise  fleas,  would  keep  the  dogs'  thoughts 
in  their  stomachs,  where  alone  dogs'  thoughts  ought  to  be  ;  for 
when  they  mounted  to  their  heads  they  rendered  dogs  bad  citi- 
zens and  of  no  good  to  the  fleas. 

And  it  was  so  that  the  dogs  '^c^w^  unable  and  unwilling  to 
think  of  anything  but  the  horrible  and  ever  enlarging  vacuum 
in  their  insides,  and  of  what  to  fling  into  it. 

So  the  plague  was  stayed. 


CHAPTER  XXV. 

Demonstratks  That  Al,l,  is  Not  Success  That  Succeeds, 
AND  That  an  Overdose  of  Physic  is  as  Bad  as  a 
Disease. — All  Work  and  No  Play  Makes  the  Dogs, 
Not  Only  Dull,  But  Ferocious. — Devising  Bamboozle- 
MENTS.  —  Chancy  Mountebank  Dephool 
Flea  and  His  Bamboozling  Committee. 


,  RULY  the  plague  of  thinking  was  stayed,  but  a  peril 
took  its  place  which  the  over-jubilaut  fleas  had 
overlooked.  For  the  dogs,  by  reason  of  the  intensi- 
fying of  their  hunger  by  the  Cornering  of  all  the 
means  of  life  by  the  Sacred  Trustees,  began  to  de- 
velop a  hunger  madness  that  took  on  the  form  of 
blind  and  unthinking  violence. 

Now  that  the  fleas  had  succeeded  so  well  in  keeping  the  dogs' 
thoughts  down  in  their  stomachs,  and  out  of  their  heads,  the 
dogs  acted  from  stomach  alone,  and  in  a  way  most  disappointing 
and  discouraging  to  the  fleas.  They  had  ceased  to  think,  cer- 
tainly, but  what  they  lacked  in  thouglit  they  made  up  in  feeling, 
and  went  blindly  at  anything  that  might  appease  their  awful 
hunger.  They  tore  and  killed  and  ate  one  another,  and,  in  their 
indiscriminating  rage,  ate  even  some  fleas  ;  and  so  meagre  and 
skinny  did  they  become  that  their  yield  of  blood  very  sensibly 
diminished,  insomuch  that  thousands  of  little  fleas  shrivelled  up 
and  died,  and  divers  of  the  eminent  and  large  fleas  grew  slack 
around  the  paunch. 

In  this  extremity  the  fleas  sent  again  for  the  wise  fleas,  and 
said:  "Alas!  what  shall  we  do  ?  for  the  remedy  is  worse  than 
the  disease  ;  we  have  cured  the  dogs  of  thinking  and  seditious- 
ness,  but  thereby  our  Dividends  have  shrunk,  and  many  of  our 

144 


YHE  DOGS  AND  THE  FtEAS=  145 

beloved  friends  have  died.  Better  had  we  taken  the  risk  of 
sedition  than  have  brought  on  this  state  of  things.  Your  advice 
was  not  good." 

But  the  wise  fleas  replied  :  "  Ye  did  overdo  the  matter.  Told 
we  not  you  that  ye  must  not  quite  kill  the  dogs  that  are  your 
life?  Ye  ought  to  have  given  them  food  and  rest  and  recreation 
enough  to  have  kept  up  their  blood-yielding  efficiency.  Ye 
have  been  great  fools.  Ye  can  only  carry  the  keeping-busy 
remedy  to  a  certain  point ;  beyond  that  it  must  be  supplemented 
by  a  wise  bamboozlement.  The  two  must  be  worked  together 
in  proper  proportion.  Neither  alone  is  all-sufficient ;  ye  can 
neither  treat  them  altogether  with  perpetual  toil  and  .scramble, 
nor  with  perpetual  bamboozlement ;  but  the  two  combined  and 
worked  in  concert  will  bring  ye  full  salvation. 

"Now,  therefore,  for  the  future  be  wise,  and  appoint  ye  a 
Bamboozling  Committee,  and  let  those  who  are  by  special  fitness 
appointed  to  keep  the  dogs  hungry  and  on  the  eternal  trot  note 
well  the  exact  point  at  which  they  require  a  recuperating  respite 
— that  is,  a  holiday — and  then  let  the  Bamboozlers  come  on  and 
take  charge  of  them  while  they  rest.  Thus  shall  the  dogs  be 
beautifully  passed  alternately  from  the  Hunger  Makers  to  the 
Bamboozlers,  and  from  the  Bamboozlers  to  the  Hunger  Makers, 
and  they  shall  beautifully  be  preserved  in  health  and  utter 
idiocy." 

And  the  fleas  said  :  "How  and  where  shall  we  find  the  Bam- 
boozlers ye  recommend  ?  " 

The  wise  fleas  replied  :  "  That  is  easy  ;  there  are  lots  of  them 
about,  of  one  sort  or  another.  Let  the  Boards  of  Public  Health 
and  Safety  seek  out  fleas  that  have  large  understanding  of  and 
are  learned  in  the  science  and  art  of  elegant  fooling  and  beautiful 
lying,  that  are  exceedingly  skillful  of  mouth,  and  can  be  de- 
pended on  at  a  moment's  notice  at  any  time  to  demonstrate  with 
all-convincing  persuasiveness  that  black  is  white,  that  darkness 
is  light,  and  evil  good,  and  can  do- this  most  amusingly,  and  let 
:hese  be  appointed  a   Bamboozling   Committee  to  devise  all 


146  fHS   DOGS   AXD  THE   FLEAS. 

manner  of  amusements  and  bamboozlements  for  the  dogs,  tliat 
shall  occupy  their  holiday  moments  and  make  them  happy. 
Let  your  motto  be  :  '  Eternal  bamboozlemeut  is  the  price  of 
Safet)'.'     We  have  spoken." 

And  the  advice  of  the  wise  fleas  seemed  good  unto  the  other 
fleas,  and  they  commanded  the  Board  of  Public  Safety  to  dili- 
gently search  out  such  as  had  great  skill  in  bamboozlemeut. 
And  the  Board  of  Public  Safety  did  so  ;  and  at  the  end  of  seven 
days  the  eminent  and  wealthy  fleas  gathered  themselves  to- 
gether to  hear  how  the  Board  of  Public  Safety  had  done. 

And  the  Board  of  Public  Safety  made  report  thus:  "Most 
eminent  and  wealthy  fleas  :  According  to  your  order  and  com- 
mandment we  have  gone  through  all  Cauisville  and  the  country 
roundabout,  and  have  sought  diligently  for  those  fleas  that  have 
the  gift  of  elegant  lying  and  bamboozling.  For  several  days  we 
sought  without  success.  Truly,  we  found  liars  in  plenty ;  in 
fact,  we  found  most  fleas  were  good  all  'round  common  liars  ; 
many  of  them  proffered  themselves  for  our  service,  and  were  ex- 
ceedingly anxious  to  serve  their  country,  but  we  told  them  that 
although  we  had  the  highest  respect  for  their  ability  as  common 
liars,  and  had  the  highest  appreciation  of  their  zealous  desire  to 
perform  their  duty  on  all  common  occasions,  we  were  just  now 
confronted  with  an  uncommon  peril  which  demanded  uncom- 
mon and  extraordinary  liars  that  could  rise  to  the  level  of  the 
emergency  and  save  the  country.  Some  of  them  did  even  throw 
contempt  on  our  mission,  saying  there  was  no  necessity  for  all 
this  nonsense  of  a  Bamboozling  Committee  ;  that  for  their  part 
they  considered  the  good  old-fashioned  way  of  bleeding  dogs  to 
death  quite  good  enough  for  the  good-for-nothing,  lazy  things ; 
that  they  would  not  condescend  to  bamboozle  them  at  all,  but 
would  just  have  all  the  discontented  and  violent  ones  killed  as  a 
warning  and  example  to  the  rest.  But  we  told  them  that  they 
knew  not  what  manner  of  spirit  they  were  of,  and  went  our  way; 
and  with  the  blessing  of  God  we  at  last  found  a  most  elegant  flea, 
of  very  great  modesty,  that  had  in  the  very  highest  degree  the 


*i*he;  dogs  and  the  fleas.  147 

very  gifts  we  were  in  search  of.  This  flea,  we  found,  was  burying 
his  talents  in  a  napkin,  and  hiding  his  hght  under  a  bushel,  and 
wasting  his  skill  of  mouth  at  dinner  parties,  where  he  was  fritter- 
ing away  his  gifts,  that  ought  to  belong  to  the  whole  nation,  on 
a  small  circle  of  friends  whom  he  made  to  be  merry  and  laugh. 
His  name,  we  ascertained,  is  Chancy  Mountebank  Dephool 
Flea,  and  we  found  that  he  has  the  very  highest  reputation 
amongst  those  who  know  him  as  an  amuser  and  speaker  of  bun- 
combe, and  we  recommend  that  he  be  appointed  head  and 
president  of  the  Bamboozling  Committee,  with  power  to  select 
his  own  associates  and  co-workers." 

And  the  Board  of  Public  Safety  did  according  to  the  recom- 
mendation of  the  wise  fleas,  and  appointed  Chancy  Mountebank 
Dephool  Flea  to  be  the  organizer  and  president  of  the  Bam- 
boozling Committee,  which  position  he  was  delighted  to  accept, 
he  being,  as  he  said,  only  too  happy  to  do  what  he  could  towards 
saving  Society. 

And  Chancy  Mountebank  called  unto  him  immediately  An- 
dronicus  Carnivorous  :  "For,"  said  he,  "  he  is  the  most  uncom- 
mon liar,  bamboozler  and  hypocrite  we  have  ;  "  and  Wilhelm 
Bunkum  Mak  Tinley  :  "  For,"  said  he,  "  he  is  a  very  good  dog 
fooler,  although  somewhat  clumsy  withal ;  "  and  Harry  Bam- 
buzle  Grandadhat :  "  For,"  said  he,  "he  can  say  many  fine  and 
beautiful  things  that  are  not  so." 

And  the  Committee  met  at  once  and  proceeded  to  devise  bam- 
boozlenients  ;  but  they  had  not  proceeded  far  when  Wilhelm 
Bunkum  Mak  Tinhy  Flea  arose  and  said  :  ' '  Respected  President 
and  Fellow  Bamboozlers  :  we  have  committed  a  great  omission 
and  oversight ;  we  have  left  out  of  the  composition  of  this  Com- 
mittee the  most  transcendently  glorious  hifalutor,  fictionist  and 
bamboozler  of  all  ages  and  of  all  countries.  I  mean  our  most 
eminent  Canisvillian,  the  Reverend  Tee  de  Little  Wit  Blather- 
skite. Of  course  he  is  only  a  barking  dog,  and  as  such  may  be 
technically  disqualified  from  serving  on  a  committee  of  fleas, 
but  having  regard  to  his  extraordinary  and  astonishing  gifts  of 


148  THE  DOGS  AND  The  fi,eas. 

mouth,  and  his  tremeudous  abiUties  to  dress  up  the  plainest  lies 
ia  the  habiliments  of  the  most  gorgeous  and  resplendent  truths, 
I  think  we  ought  by  all  means  to  have  him  made  one  of  us,  for 
no  Bamboozling  Committee  can  be  complete  without  him.  I 
submit  that  he  is  equal  even  to  you,  respected  President." 

And  President  Chancy  Mountebank  Dephool  Flea  said  :  "It 
is  indeed  a  most  astounding  piece  of  forgetfulness  and  stupidity 
on  our  part,  not  to  have  thought  of  our  friend  De  Little  Wit 
Blatherskite.  I  thank  our  good  brother  Mak  Tinley  Flea  for 
reminding  us." 

So  the  Committee  went  in  a  body  to  ask  De  Little  Wit  Blather- 
skite to  be  one  of  them,  and  they  made  profuse  apologies  for  the 
slight  they  had  unwittingly  put  upon  him.  And  the  Blatherskite 
was  pleased  to  accept  their  apologies;  and  he  went  along  with 
them. 


CHAPTER  XXVI. 

The  Bamboozling  Committee  Lays  Out  a  Plan  of  Bam- 
boozle.— Loud  Noise  and  Great  Show  Relied  on. — 
Every  One  to  His  Post. — Opening  of  the  Bamboozle 
Assigned  to  Tee  de  Little  Wit  Blatherskite.— His 
Vision  of  Judgment. — Terrific  Effect 
ON  THE  Dogs. 


'AVING  secured  the  invaluable  Blatherskite,  the 
Bamboozling  Committee  met  very  early  in  the 
morning,  and  President  Chancy  Mountebank 
Dephool  Flea,  in  calling  the  Committee  to 
order,  said  :  "Brother  Bamboozlers,  it  is  laid 
upon  us  to  save  this  our  beloved  land.  As  ye  know,  the  Board  of 
Public  Safety  has  appointed  us  to  work  together  with  the  Hun- 
ger Makers  in  keeping  the  dogs  from  thinking.  To  them,  ye 
know,  is  appointed  the  duty  of  bleeding  them  within  an  inch  of 
their  lives,  and  keeping  them  so  busy  trying  to  catch  up  with 
their  hunger  that  they  will  never  have  a  moment  to  think 
a  serious  thought  ;  and  to  us  is  appointed  the  duty  of 
entertaining  them  during  their  moments  of  absolutely  needful 
recreation,  and  keeping  them  so  well  amused  that  they  shall 
have  neither  wish  nor  time  to  think. 

"  I  need  not  tell  you  that  the  Hunger  Makers  are  doing  their 
duty  con  amove  ;  so  well  that  in  their  enthusiasm  they  are  apt 
to  overdo  it.  It  behooves,  us  therefore,  to  as  well  deserve  our 
laurels  as  they  do  theirs.     Where  shall  we  begin,  therefore  ?" 

Then  arose  Wilhelm  Bunkum  Mak  Tinley  Flea,  and  said  : 
"I  move,  respected  President,  that  we  recommend  Pup  McPoo- 
dle  and  the  authorities  to  proclaim  certain  days  to  be  legal  hol- 
idays, and  days  of  recreation  for  the  dogs,  and  that  on  those 

149 


150  THE   DOGS  AND  THE   FI.EAS. 

days  the  dogs  be  gathered  together,  wheu  we  will  each  take  a 
turu  iu  amusiug  aud  edifying  them.  I  will  take  oue  turn,  and  I 
flatter  myself  that  during  my  turn,  I  can  demonstrate  to  them 
then  the  moon  is  made  of  green  cheese  ;  then  our  much  beloved 
brother,  Andronicus  Carnivorous,  shall  take  another ;  my  dear 
chum,  Harry  Grandadhat  shall  take  a  third  ;  you,  most  excel- 
lent humbug,  shall  take  a  fourth,  and  our  ever  ready  old 
stand-by  and  reverend  barker,  Tee  de  Little  Wit  Blatherskite, 
who  is  always  bursting  big  and  full  with  gorgeous  gush,  and 
perennially  on  tap,  shall  fill  up  all  other  intervals." 

Andronicus  arose  and  said  :  I  crave  permission  to  second  the 
motion  of  my  brother  Bunkum  Mak  Tinley  Flea.  It  is  good. 
I  deprecate  the  ascription  to  me  of  any  very  great  ability  in  the 
line  of  bamboozling.  I  have  the  highest  pleasure  iu  yielding  the 
palm  to  you,  dear  Mountebank  Dephool,  and  to  the  superla- 
tive Blatherskite,  in  having  whom  with  us  we  are  blessed  and 
honored  above  measure.  For  my  part  I  am  but  a  superficial, 
transparent,  and  inferior  sort  of  every-day  liar,  with  no  ability, 
like  }OU,  my  dear  colleagues,  to  palm  off  on  the  dogs  a  lie  as 
the  most  sacred  Gospel  truth  ;  but  I  do  modestly  claim  that  I 
possess  a  very  creditable  ability  to  play  the  hypocrite  ;  I  be- 
lieve everyone  who  knows  me  admits  that\  but,  be  my  talents 
what  they  may,  I  am  willing  to  consecrate  them  all  to  the  good 
of  the  dogs  and  the  salvation  of  this,  my  adopted  country." 

This  motion  was  carried,  and  presented  to  the  Board  of  Pub- 
lic Safety  ;  and  the  Board  carried  it  to  McPoodle  aud  the  author- 
ities, and  they,  with  the  acquiescence  of  the  fleas — who  had  all 
been  assured  that  they  would  be  indemnified  for  any  loss  of 
blood  they  might  suffer  in  case  of  failure  of  the  experiment — 
proclaimed  that  on  a  certain  few  days  of  the  year,  the  fleas 
should  let  up  on  the  dogs  and  allow  them  to  recover  a  little 
strength  ;  and  that  on  those  days  they  should  turn  over  the 
management  of  the  dogs  to  the  Bamboozling  Committee. 

And  the  Bamboozling  Committee  got  together  certain  dogs 
that  were  lying  around  loose,  and  made  them  happy  with  meat 


THE  DOGS  AND   THE   FLEAS.  151 

and  drink,  and  dressed  them  up  in  gaudy  colored  raiment ;  and 
to  some  of  them  they  gave  certain  loud-noise-producing  instru- 
ments, aud  to  others,  long  poles  with  pretty  cloths  fluttering  at 
the  end  thereof,  and  said  unto  them  :  "Go  ye  forth  into  all  the 
streets  and  ways  of  Canisville,  and  the  country  roundabout, 
and  blow  ye  and  thump  ye  on  the  loud-noise-produciug  instru- 
ments, aud  wave  ye  on  high  the  pretty  cloths,  and  make  a  great 
jhouting  aud  hullabaloo  with  your  throats  ;  and  it  shall  be  that 
when  the  dogs  of  Canisville  shall  hear  your  hullabaloo,  they 
will  run  out  of  their  holes  and  kennels,  and,  forgetting  all  their 
troubles,  they  will  howl  with  idiotic  joy,  and  run  after  you 
whithersoever  ye  go.  Go  roundabout  and  encompass  the  town 
seven  times,  blowing  and  thumping  and  waving,  and  fetch  up 
at  the  Public  Place,  where  great  miracles  are  to  be  wrought." 

So  the  blowing,  thumping  and  cloth-waving  dogs,  quite  intox- 
icated with  the  strange,  glorious  feeling  of  a  full  stomach,  did 
as  they  were  bid,  and  went  and  filled  all  the  air  with  their 
sounding  ;  aud  at  the  very  first  blast  and  thump  and  shout,  all 
the  dogs  that  heard  came  rushing  out,  barking,  wagging 
their  bony  tails  and  rolling  over  and  over  in  the  dirt,  with  a 
frenzied  joy,  and  followed  in  a  great  mob  the  blowers  and 
thumpers  and  •  wavers,  whithersoever  they   went. 

Then  when  they  had  seven  times  gone  roundabout  the  town, 
they  came  to  the  Public  Place,  where  were  gathered  on  an  emi- 
nence the  Bamboozling  Committee,  and  around  them,  in  their 
best  raiment,  all  the  Monstrous  Fleas,  who  had  ordered  the 
Blood  and  Bones  Grinding  Mill  to  cease  its  bloody  grind  for  a 
day  ;  all  the  wealthy  aud  eminent  fleas,  all  the  pious  and  holy 
fleas  ;  and  all  the  salaried  barkers  were  there  ;  the  Holy  One  a 
Maker  of  long  prayers  and  short  wages,  was  there  ;  and  also 
Lovely  Anthony  the  Dog  Catcher,  the  One-eyed  Elder  Berry, 
and  all  the  morality  cobblers,  dog  thumpers  and  compulsion- 
ists  of  every  society  ;  and  all  were  sleek  and  fat  and  well  to  do, 
and  smiled  most  heavenly  smiles,  for  they  felt  that  God  had 
blessed  the  very  first  part  of  their  new  scheme  of  salvation. 


153  THE   DOGS   AND   THE    KI^EAS. 

Then  arose  and  whispered  Chancy  Mountebank  Dephool 
Flea  to  the  Reverend  Tee  de  Little  Wit  Blatherskite,  "Brother, 
this  is  a  gorgeous  success  so  far  ;  thou  art  the  gifted  one  ;  open 
thou  the  Bamboozle." 

And  the  Reverend  Tee  de  Little  Wit  Blatherskite  stepped 
briskly  to  the  front,  and  with  a  voice  of  tragedy  delivered  him- 
self thus  : 

"A  vision,  a  vision,  a  vision  of  Judgment.  It  is  the  last  day 
— the  day  of  the  final  fruition  of  all  things  ;  the  day  when  all 
the  seed  sowings  of  all  the  countless  centuries  since  time  was, 
have  reached  their  harvest.  With  mine  eye  I  can  see  a  countless 
multitude  of  dogs  gathered  to  the  Judgment,  rising  tier  on  tier, 
from  the  lowermost  valley  to  the  topmost  height  of  every  hill 
and  mountain.  From  every  clime  and  country  they  come, 
swarm  on  swarm,  mob  on  mob,  gathered  by  a  mighty  trumpet 
summons  there  is  no  disobeying.  They  come  from  the  East  ; 
they  come  from  the  West  ;  they  come  from  the  North  ;  they 
come  from  the  South  ;  from  the  frosty  land  of  the  midsummer 
midnight  sun,  where  white  death  locketh  all  things  in  his  eter- 
nal embrace,  to  the  torrid  equatorial  regions  of  perpet- 
ual frizzle  and  fry  ;  from  the  balmy  lands  of  the  fig  and  the 
olive,  where  the  spicy  snifters,  and  odoriferous  breezes  of  the 
Southern  seas  gently  woo  both  soul  and  body  to  gentle  dozi- 
ness, to  the  blizzard  smitten  lands  of  the  Occidental  North, 
where  the  circumvolutory  cyclone  whirligiggeth,  and  the  dom- 
iciliary dwelling  place  fleeth  violently  away  with  all  the  inhab- 
itants thereof;  from  the  land  of  the  azure  firmament,  the 
emerald  sea  and  opalescent  atmosphere,  and  the  land  of  the 
perennial  asthmatic  brumosity — from  everywhere  they  come, 
host  on  host,  multitude  on  multitude. 

"The  Judgment  call  is  heard  ;  the  Judgment  is  set ;  the  books 
are  opened.  The  sun  goes  out ;  the  moon  explodes  and  becomes 
blood  ;  the  omuiflalulent  wind  roareth  ;  the  stars  fall  to  earth 
in  a  fiery  hail ;  the  heavens  shrivel  up  in  an  awful  incandes- 
cence, as  a  burning  scroll ;  the  earth   rocks,  and   quakes,  and 


THE  DOGS  AND  THE  FLEAS.  153 

groans  and  cracks,  and  sends  forth  lurid  and  sulphureous  flames 
and  fumes  and  infernal  stench.  The  comets,  with  their  flaming 
tails,  all  snarled  together,  stagger  like  drunken  celestials 
amongst  their  inextricably  mixed  aphelia,  perihelia,  and  syz\  gy, 
and  falling  over  the  planetary  orbits,  drive  their  occupants  to 
distractedly  demand,  '  Where  are  we  at? '  " 

"The  ocean's  great  breast  heaves  and  throbs  with  huge  con- 
glomerate convulsions,  and  dashing  o'er  its  divinely  appointed 
bounds,  engulfs  the  world.  The  rivers  everywhere  rear  up  on 
end,  stiff  wnth  au  infinite  fright.  The  lengthy  Mississippi,  the 
breadthy,  many-mouthed  Amazon,  the  hoary  Ganges,  the  un- 
filtered  Missouri,  the  holy  Jordan,  swash  and  writhe  together  in 
mid-air  in  au  amazed  intertwining.  The  lightnings  gleam,  the 
thunders  roar,  the  whole  creation  groaneth.  The  planets, 
breaking  loose  from  the  centripetal  force  that  swung  them 
around  their  solar  center,  clash  and  crash  together  in  celestial 
smash  and  wreck.  Crash,  crash,  crash,  in  answering  reverber- 
ations, from  utmost  bound  to  utmost  bound  of  the  universe. 

"And  over  all  the  din  and  rip  and  roar  and  clash  and  terror, 
Cometh  a  clarion  blast  of  an  angelic  trump,  '  Ho  !  Ho  !!  Ho  !!! 
Attend,  all  ye  dogs ;  for  the  end,  the  eternal  end  that  shall 
never  be  cut  off",  cometh.  Give  ear  unto  the  voice  of  the  Eternal 
Verdict. ' 

"And  there  cometh  forth  from  the  infinite  profundities  of  the 
tenebrious  immensities,  a  Voice  of  ten  thousaud-million-thunder 
power,  in  direful  proclamation,  saying  : 

" 'All  dogs  to  the  Judgment.  Crowns  of  glory,  eternal  joy 
and  everlasting  fullness  unto  all  dogs  that  on  earth  have  done 
righteously,  have  walked  humbly  in  the  fear  of  God,  and  rever- 
enced His  anointed  ones,  the  fleas  ;  and  have  paid  unto  them 
their  just  and  Heaven-ordained  dues  ;  that  have  not  blasphemed 
them,  or  called  in  question  the  righteousness  of  their  doings  ; 
that  have  counted  poverty  their  highest  honor.  Blessed  are 
they  that  have  hungered,  that  the  fleas  might  be  filled  ;  that 
have  gone  naked,  that  the  fleas  might  be  clothed  ;  that  have 


154  .  THE   DOGS   AND  THE   FLEAS. 

died,  that  the  fleas  might  live  ;  that  have  grovelled  in  darkness 
and  filth,  that  the  fleas  might  dwell  in  honor  and  wealth. 
Great  is  now  their  reward,  and  they  shall  now  themselves  be 
lifted  up  on  high  and  glorified  for  duty  done. 

"  'But  woe  and  desolation  to  the  disobedient,  discontented  and 
unrighteous  dogs  that  have  growled  against  the  divine  ordina- 
tion of  their  lives  and  lots  ;  that  have  cursed  their  hunger  and 
nakedness  ;  that  have  spoken  blasphemy  against  the  fleas,  and 
the  Constitution  and  Laws  of  Canisville,  and  poked  the  blas- 
phemous nose  of  Inquiry  into  the  inscrutable  and  not-to-be-in- 
quired-into  wisdom  of  the  divine  ordination  of  dogs  and  fleas. 
No  crowns  for  them,  no  joy,  no  fullness.  It  is  decreed  that  they 
go  down  to  Hell  with  Satan  and  Wih-umtwede.' 

"At  the  pronouncement  of  this  sentence  the  million-instru- 
mented orchestra  of  the  spheres  crashes  out  a  mighty  'Amen.' 
The  morning  stars  clap  their  hands  with  joy  ;  the  evening  and 
the  midnight  stars  take  up  the  cue,  and  flash  it  on  from  star  to 
star ;  it  rings  from  system  to  system,  from  universe  to  universe, 
until  from  farthest  nebula  to  farthest  nebula,  the  whole  crea- 
tion pulses  and  thrills  and  vibrates  with  the  tintinnabulous 
acclaim.  The  heavens  open,  and  amid  a  deluge  of  unapproach- 
able light,  the  worthy  dogs  with  paeans  of  victorious  joy,  are 
caught  up  thereto  ;  while  Hell  beneath  opens  wide  its  yawning 
jaws,  and  the  unrighteous  and  disobedient  dogs,  amid  thunder 
and  lightning,  go  howling  down,  down,  down,  in  an  everlasting 
and  ever  accelerating  descent,  to  the  place  of  unutterable  tor- 
ment and  fiery  woe." 

At  this  mighty  outburst  of  luridly  pyrotechnical  eloquence, 
the  great  crowd  of  dogs  turned  deadly  pale  and  faint ;  and  they 
turned  guiltily,  each  to  his  neighbor,  and  said,  "He  means  us  ;" 
"Ain't  it  awful?  "  "God  forgive  us,  we  must  never  repine  or 
speak  evil  of  fleas  any  more." 

And  many  of  the  dogs  there,  being  wasted  and  weak  for  want 
of  food,  could  not  stand  the  terror  of  the  Blatherskite's  por- 
trayal, and  several  of  the  most  famished  and   anaemic  among 


THE  DOGS  AND  THE   FLEAS. 


155 


them,  trembled  and  tottered  and  fell  dead,  and  bad  to  be  carried 
off  to  the  morgue  ;  which  the  bystanders  declared  must  have 
been  intended  ot  Heaven,  as  a  sample  and  small  installment  of 
the  threatened  Judgment. 

And  the  assembled  fleas  nudged  one  another,  and  remarked 
unctuously  that  the  Bamboozle  was  working  very  successfully 
so  far,  and  was  certainly  being  very  much  blessed  of  Heaven,  to 
the  touching  up  of  the  consciences  of  the  dogs.  The  Holy  One 
a  Maker  of  long  prayers  and  short  wages,  rolled  up  his  seventh 
day  eye  to  heaven,  and  said:  "We  fleas  have  much  to  be 
thankful  for  in  the  gift  to  us  of  the  Blatherskite."  Harry 
Grandadhat  exclaimed:  "Society  is  saved  !  "  And  President 
Chancy  Mountebank  Dephool  Flea  winked  an  eye  at  de  Little 
Wit  Blatherskite  as  he  resumed  his  seat,  and  whispered  to  him  : 
"Brother — dog  only  though  thou  art — I  love  thee  ;  thou  hast 
excellently  done  ;  this  day — thanks  to  the  might  of  thy  facile 
and  well  lubricated  jaw — is  salvation  come  to  the  fleas  of  Canis- 
ville  ;  thou  hast  in  thine  effort  this  day  exceeded  and  more  than 
justified  the  yr^^^S^^r^f"'^  Committee's  highest  ex- 
pectation of^  ^^^^^fefe  \  thee;  the  Bamboozle  pros- 
pereth." 

AndtheBlath-     ^^^^J^^^^^~^     erskite,  with  a  reciprocat- 
ing  wink,   said, 
"Yes,     I    flatter 
myself  there  are 
no  flies  on  vie.'' 


CHAPTER  XXVII. 


Chancy  Mountebank  Dephool  Flea,  the  Prince  of  Bam- 
BoozLERS.  —  His  WonderfuIv  Patriotism  in  Going 
Abroad  Every  Summer. — The  Dogs  Find  Themselves 
Heirs  to  Greater  Liberty  Than  They 
Thought  For.  —  Great  Success  of  the 
Bamboozle. 


;N  arose  President  Chancy  Mountebank  Dephool 
Flea,  and,  after  telling  his  flea  friends  in  a  cautionarj' 
whisper  not  to  laugh  or  in  any  other  way  "give 
away  "  the  Bamboozle,  advanced  with  a  hop,  a  skip 
and  a  jump  to  the  front  and  ordered  the  loud-noise- 
producing  instruments  to  play  up,  and  the  pretty 
cloths  to  be  waved  on  high,  which,  having  been  done,  quite 
took  away  the  sadness  of  the  dogs  and  put  them  in  great  good 
humor.   Then  he  stood  on  his  head,  and  danced  on  onfe  leg,  and 

156 


the;  dogs  and  the  fleas.  15"? 

turned  several  somersaults  backwards  and  forwards,  and  grinned 
and  smiled,  and  told  the  dogs  some  very  facetious  stories  and 
jokes,  which  caused  them  to  howl  with  delirious  joy,  and  declare 
that  that  day  was  the  happiest  one  they  had  known  in  many 
years,  and  that  Chancy  Mountebank  was,  without  exception, 
the  funniest  fool  of  a  flea  they  had  ever  seen  ,  God  bless  him. 

Then  he  walked  upside  down  across  the  stage,  which  made 
the  dogs  howl  still  more,  and  then  advanced  to  the  front  and 
said  to  the  dogs  : 

"Fellow  citizens  of  this  great  and  prosperous  country  [great 
surprise  amongst  the  dogs  and  much  winking  amongst  the  Bam- 
boozlers  and  other  fleas],  the  highly  favored  of  heaven  and  the 
envy  of  the  whole  world  [great  astonishment  of  the  dogs  as  the 
fact  dawns  upon  them],  land  of  the  free  and  home  of  the  brave 
[uncontrollable  tittering  amongst  the  Bamboozling  Committee 
as  they  lower  their  heads  to  hide  it,  and  remarks  :  "ainthe  a 
dandy?  "  "he's  away  ahead  of  you,  brother  Blatherskite,  in  the 
art  of  dog  fooling,"  and  "the  Lord  is  with  us, "  from  One  a  Maker 
of  long  prayers].  My  theme  to-day  is  Liberty,  glorious  Liberty. 
My  dear  fellow  citizens,  ye  have  no  idea  of  the  incomparable 
heritage  of  honor  and  glory  and  blessing  ye  have  in  the  fact 
that  ye  have  been  born  and  are  privileged  to  live  in  this  won- 
derful free  town  and  country  [tremendous  agitation  and  delight 
amongst  the  dogs  at  this  new  discovery,  which,  coming  upon 
their  empty  stomachs,  caused  several  of  the  more  famished  and 
attenuated  to  drop  dead]. 

"  The  very  fact  that  ye  were  born  to  freedom,  and  have  been 
used  to  it  all  your  lives,  renders  you  unable  to  properly  appreciate 
your  incomparable  blessing  ;  for,  as  the  proverbs  have  it,  '  The 
blessings  we  have  we  value  not, '  and  '  We  never  value  the  water 
till  the  well  runs  dry. '  Our  beloved  fellow  citizens  there,  who 
have  just  fallen  dead,  would  have  been  alive  now  had  Ihey  daily 
habituated  themselves  to  thankfulness  and  the  proper  estimation 
of  their  privileges.  But  if  3'e  had  had  the  opportunities  as  I 
have  had  of  comparing  your  lot  in  this  highly  favored  land,  with 


158  THE  DOGS  AND  THE  FI,EAS. 

that  of  the  dogs  iu  the  rest  of  the  world  beyond  the  pond,  your 
hearts  would  swell  to  bursting  with  infinite  gratitude,  and  your 
tongues,  attuned  to  thankfulness,  would  wag  with  an  everlasting 
Jubilate  Deo.  [Tears  of  remorse  and  penitence  well  up  in  the 
eyes  of  the  dogs  at  this,  and  cries  of  "Lord,  make  us  more 
thankful,"  are  heard  everywhere,  while  Grandadhat  and  Mak 
Tinley  snicker  and  tickle  each  other,  and  ask  Carnivorous  what 
he  thinks  of  "Our  Chancy,"  to  which  Andronicus  replies,  "I 
envy  him  ;  his  polished  and  elegant  way  of  lying  is  as  far  above 
my  coarse  and  clumsy  way  as  the  smoothness  of  velvet  is  above 
the  roughness  of  sandpaper."  And  One  a  Maker  of  long 
prayers,  says,  "  It's  as  good  as  a  Means  of  Grace."] 

"  Oh,  my  dear  fellow  citizens,  ye  know  that  I  am  the  flea  that 
goeth  and  cometh  over  the  pond  every  year.  For  many  years  I 
have  regarded  it  as  a  sacred  duty  I  owe  to  God  and  my  beloved 
native  country,  to  go  away  over  the  pond  every  Summer,  partly, 
and  as  a  minor  consideration,  to  recruit  my  health  and  obtain  a 
little  rest  from  my  terribly  exhausting  duty  of  making  myself 
and  certain  of  my  fellow  fleas  wealthy — oh,  my  beloved  dogs, 
ye  have  not  the  slightest  idea  of  what  it  is  to  bear  the  burdens 
and  responsibilities  of  being  rich  [a  voice  far  away  to  the  rear  : 
"True,  true  "],  and  the  tremendous  strain  and  wear  and  tear  of 
brain  and  body  it  costs  to  make  wealth.  Be  thankful  that  God 
has  not  called  you  to  the  task  [the  voice  in  the  rear  :  "  You'll 
take  care  that  God  doesn't  call  us  to  that !  "  Confusion,  and 
cries  of  "  Put  him  out !  "  and  anxious  looks  on  the  countenances 
of  the  fleas.] 

"As  I  was  saying  when  that  unseemly  interruption  took  place, 
I  go  over  the  pond,  partly,  and  as  a  minor  consideration,  for  my 
health,  but  primarily,  and  as  a  major  consideration,  that  I  may 
look  upon  and  impress  upon  my  mind  the  horrible  misery, 
poverty,  destitution  and  enslavement  of  the  masses  of  dogs  in 
the  foreign  countries.  Oh,  how  dreadful  it  is  there !  Hunger 
is  the  perpetual  condition.  Rapacious,  cruel,  merciless  rulers 
tax  them  to  death.     Between  rich  and  poor  there  is  a  great  gulf 


THE  DOGS  AND  THE  FtEAS.  159 

fixed,  so  that  those  who  are  born  poor  dogs  live  and  die  poor. 
In  those  dark  and  enslaved  countries  a  dog  knows  he  is  a  dog, 
and  can  never  rise  to  be  anything  higher.  Such  instances  as 
that  of  our  fellow  citizen  and  friend,  Andronicus  Carnivorous, 
who  began  life  here  as  a  low  down  dog,  and  by  dint  of  industry, 
skill  and  the  boundless  opportunities  which  we  in  this  country 
offer  to  all,  lifted  himself  up  from  the  rank  in  which  he  was 
born,  and  became  transformed  into  as  big  a  sucker  as  any  of  us, 
could  never  happen  there,  where  opportunities  of  dogs  to  rise  in 
the  world  and  become  Suckers  are  by  infamous  class  laws  denied 
them.  But  here  in  this  enlightened  land,  where  we  have  no 
kings,  and  by  that  ne plus  ultra  of  all  wisdom,  the  Constitution, 
fleas  and  dogs,  rich  and  poor,  black  and  white,  are  all  equal ;  the 
opportunities  for  advancement  are  countless  and  open  to  each 
and  all,  and  if  any  dog  is  poor  and  hungry,  it  is  all  the  fault  of 
his  own  incompetency  and  laziness. 

"In  this  great  free  land  there  is  not — there  cannot  be — any 
unrighteous  w^ealth  [a  look  of  superlative  virtue  on  Andronicus' 
countenance,  and  a  glory  on  the  transfigured  face  of  One  a  Maker 
of  long  prayers  and  short  wages,  as  he  rolls  up  his  seventh  day 
eye  towards  heaven].  The  very  fact  that  one  has  wealth  is  proof 
absolute  that  the  possessor  thereof  deserves  it,  since  the  oppor- 
tunity to  acquire  is  open  equally  to  all.  Every  dog  may  in  this 
free  country,  by  dint  of  virtue  and  industry,  become  an  eminent 
and  wealthy  sucker  and  have  thousands  of  dogs  for  his  nourish- 
ment [puzzled  looks  of  hope  and  new  encouragement  on  the 
faces  of  the  dogs  as  they  try,  mentally,  to  comprehend  the 
glorious  possibility  of  every  dog  doing  that ;  and  Grandadhat 
mutters  to  De  Little  Wit  Blatherskite  :  "My,  but  Chancy  gave 
them  a  stiff  'un  to  swallow  then,"  and  the  Blatherskite  replies  : 
"Truly  he  did,  my  brother,  but  he  is  the  joker  that  can  do  it."] 

"Yes,  my  noble  fellow  citizens,  my  whole  object  in  going 
every  year  across  the  pond  is,  as  I  said,  that  I  may  see  the  hell 
of  degradation  dogs  have  over  there,  and  become  horrified,  so 
that  at  the  end  of  my  sojourn  I  am  so  disgusted  at  the  inequal- 


IfiO  THE   DOGS  AND  THE  FLEAS. 

ities  and  class  distinctions,  and  the  brutal  tyranny  of  the  rich 
over  the  poor,  that  I  am  properly  grateful  to  God  for  the  precious 
privileges  He  has  given  us  here,  and  am  profoundly  thankful  to 
get  back  again  to  Home,  Home,  Sweet,  Sweet  Home,  for  there's 
no  place  like  Home,  be  it  ever  so  hiunble,  like  Home,  Sweet 
Home. 

"  Oh,  my  dear  friends,  you  have  not  the  slightest  idea  of  the 
disgust  with  which  those  annual  four  mouths'  contemplation  of 
foreign  poverty,  tyranny,  aristocracy  and  royalty  fill  my  soul, 
neither  can  ye  conceive  the  agony  of  impatience  that  then  takes 
possession  of  me  to  tread  again  the  soil  of  my  native  land,  this 
land,  whose  pure,  sweet  air  of  Freedom  is  iustaut  death  to  every 
fonh  of  injustice  and  tyranny  ;  where  the  inalienable  right  of 
every  dog  to  life,  liberty  and  the  pursuit  of  happiness  is  guaran- 
teed to  him  by  the  Constitution  and  equal  laws  ;  where,  under 
the  folds  of  the  Flag  that  makes  us  free,  every  dog  dwells  in 
peace,  plenty  and  safety,  none  daring  to  make  him  afraid  ;  land 
where  there  are  no  kings,  lords  or  castes  of  any  sort ;  where 
dogs  and  fleas  breathe  the  common  air  of  Heaven  ;  land  of  the 
pilgrim's  pride,  land  where  our  fathers  died  [the  voice  in  the 
rear  again  :  "  Yes,  and  where  their  children  are  dying  of  starva- 
tion." Confusion,  and  a  spasm  of  fear  amongst  the  fleas,  and 
cries  of  "Put  him  out"],  from  every  mountain  side  let  Freedom 
ring. 

"  Oh,  my  fellow  citizens,  I  advise  every  one  of  you  to  save  up 
and  perform  the  sacred  duty  of  going  over  the  pond  every 
Summer  and  getting  horrified  with  the  sight  of  foreign  poverty 
and  tyranny,  so  that  ye  may  come  home  loaded  to  the  very 
muzzle  with  thankfulness  to  God  that  He  has  so  mercifully 
chosen  us  from  amongst  the  dogs  of  the  earth  to  shower  His 
infinite  bounties  on.  Nothing  has  such  a  tendency  to  make 
noble,  thankful  citizens  of  this  grandest  of  all  grand  republics 
as  going  abroad  for  a  few  months  during  the  hot  weather." 

At  the  close  of  this  grand  piece  of  bamboozling  oratory,  the 
dogs  made  a  supreme  effort,  and  gave  a  grand  howl  of  acclaim 


THE   DOGS   AND  THE    FLEAS.  161 

that  made  the  welkin  ring,  and  caused  several  passing  clouds 
to  burst  into  rain  by  reason  of  the  concussion.  The  loud-noise* 
producing  instruments  started  up,  the  pretty  cloths  were  waved 
on  high,  and  everything  proclaimed  the  mad  delight  of  the  dogs 
at  the  wonderful  discovery  by  their  lean  and  famine-devoured 
selves  that  they  were  all  free  and  equal,  and  the  particular  pets 
of  Heaven. 

With  the  exception  of  a  few  growlers  at  the  rear,  who  audibly 
remarked  that  "  If  God  had  given  them  less  Freedom  and  more 
Victuals  it  would  have  looked  better  of  Him,"  and  who  were 
promptly  hustled  out  of  the  crowd,  all  the  dogs  were  delighted, 
and  declared  that  Chancy  Mountebank  Dephool  Flea  was  the 
finest  and  most  elegant  truth-teller  in  the  world  and  should 
henceforth  be  honored  as  "Our  Chancy."  And  as  he  took  his 
seat  the  whole  Committee  of  Bamboozlers,  and  all  the  other  fleas, 
congratulated  him  that  there  were  no  flies  on  him  either,  and 
One  a  Maker  of  long  prayers  and  short  wages,  groaning  within 
himself,  lifted  up  his  seventh-day  eye  and  said :  "Verily  the 
Lord  is  this  day  blessing  us  with  a  great  salvation,"  to  which 
De  Little  Wit  Blatherskite  responded:  "Yea,  verily,  brother; 
blessing  us  copiously.  And  why  not,  brother?  IVe  are  his 
people,  and  the  sheep  of  his  pasture." 


CHAPTER  XXVIII. 

Heaven  Worketh  With  the  Bamboozlers,  Confirming 
Their  Words,  With  Signs  P'ollowing. — Great  Exper- 
ience Meeting  Around  the  Flag. — Harry  Grand- 
dadhat  Tells  What  the  Flag  Hath  Done  for  His 
Soul  and  Body. — Likewise  Andronicus  Carnivorous. 
— Wonderful  Proofs  of  the  Fact  that  God  Helps 
Those  Who  are  Not  Slow  at  Helping  Themselves.- 


'^  iHEN    Chancy   Mountebank   Dephool   Flea  had 

got  through  with  his  highly  successful  oration, 
he  ordered  the  loud-uoise-producing  instru- 
ments to  strike  up  their  loudest,  and  the  pretty 
cloths  to  be  waved  on  high  with  the  greatest 
■Adgor,  in  order  to  keep  up  the  effect  that  had 
been  produced,  and  to  scare  away  from  the  door- 
■  ways  of  the  dogs'  brains,  any  sober  reflections 
that  might,  perchance,  be  seeking  entrance  there  ; 
and  at  a  given  signal,  a  very  large  and  pretty  cloth — which 
until  then,  had  been  kept  hidden — having  on  it  a  number  of 
white  spots  and  red  streaks,  was  run  up  to  the  top  of  a  tall  pole 
and  thrown  to  the  breeze.  Whereupon,  the  whole  multitude  of 
the  fleas,  rose  up,  and  prostrated  themselves  to  it,  crying  : 

"  Hail  !    All  Hail  !    All  Hoiy  Flag, 
Source  of  our  life,  we  bow  to  thee, 

The  Flag,  the  Flag,  the  Flag  of  the  Free, 
The  Flag  of  the  dog,  and  Flag  of  the  flea." 

And  there  came  a  great  darkness  over  all  the  land  ;    and  the 
atmosphere  was  suffused  with  ghostly  green  and  yellow  lights, 

162 


'the;  dogs  and  the  fleas.  163 

that  cast  a  lurid  gloom  over  the  whole  assembly  ;  and  out  of 
the  darkness  there  came  lightnings  and  a  voice  of  thunder, 
saying : 

"Who  doubteth  that  this  is  the  Flag  of  the  Free, 
And  boweth  not  down,  thrice  cursed  be  he." 

And  all  the  multitude  of  the  fleas,  cried  out  in  chorus, 
"Amen." 

By  this  time,  all  the  poor  dogs  were  shaking  like  leaves  in 
the  breeze,  and  they  cried  out:  "  What  shall  we  do  ?  What 
shall  we  do  ?  " 

And  the  voice  thundered  again  : 

"Bow  down,  bow  down  to  the  Flag  of  the  Free, 
Bow  down,  and  thank  God  for  sweet  Liberty." 

And  all  the  multitude  of  the  prostrate  fleas,  cried  out  again 
in  chorus :     "Aye!     Bow  down." 

And  again  the  ghostly  lights  flashed,  and  all  manner  of  sol- 
emn and  awful  noises  w-ere  heard. 

And  the  dogs  being  dazed  and  dazzled  and  confused  with  the 
awful  sights  and  sounds,  began  everywhere  to  fall  down  and 
worship  the  Flag,  and,  catching  the  enthusiasm,  they  soon  were 
shouting  as  loud  as  they  could,  which  with  many  of  them  was 
not  very  loud  ;  for  they  were  so  hungry  and  weak  that  their 
breath  failed  them,  but  they  did  the  best  they  could. 

Then  was  lifted  up  the  voice  of  the  Reverend  Tee  de  Little 
Wit  Blatherskite,  proclaiming  :  "  Let  there  now  be  a  time  of 
silent  lifting  up  of  the  heart  in  thanksgiving  to  God  for  this 
our  Flag,  the  most  glorious  on  earth,  and  for  these  our  liberties, 
the  only  real  ones  on  earth." 

And  it  was  so.  And  there  came  a  solemn  hush  over  all  the 
bowed  assembly,  broken  only  by  pious  sighs,  groans  and  ejacu- 
lations from  the  fleas,  which,  by  contagion,  was  taken  up  by 
the  dogs,  who  were  soon  sighing  and  groaning  and  ejaculating 
too,  until  the  air  was  heavy  with  a  solemn  buzz.  Then  there 
blew  a  holy  wind  from  Heaven,  that  lifted  up  the  folds  of  the 


164  THE  DOGS  AND  THE  FLEAS. 

beautiful  flag  aud  caused  it  to  wave  with  solema  flappings  most 
beautifully  ;  and  the  solemn  darkness  began  to  pass  away,  to 
the  accompaniment  of  low,  soft  music,  as  of  angel  songs  steal- 
ing down  from  Heaven  ;  and  the  sun  shone  out  in  splendor,  and 
cast  his  brilliant  beams  right  on  the  beautiful  Flag,  that  was 
transfigured  in  the  glory  of  it. 

Then  proclaimed  the  Reverend  Tee  de  Little  Wit  Blatherskite 
— who  seemed  to  have  naturally  become  the  Master  of  Cere- 
monies— "  Brethren,  let  us  sing  : 

"  My  Country,  'tis  of  Thee, 
Sweet  land  of  Liberty, 

Of  Thee  I  sing. 
Land  where  my  fathers  died, 
Land  of  the  pilgrim's  pride. 
From  every  moimtaiu  side, 
Let  Freedom  ring. 

"  My  native  country  !    Thee, 
Land  of  the  noble  Free, 

Thy  name  I  love, 
I  love  thy  rocks  and  rills. 
Thy  woods  and  templed  hills. 
My  heart  with  rapture  thrills. 
Like  that  above. 

"  Let  music  swell  the  breeze. 
And  ring  from  all  the  trees. 

Sweet  Freedom's  song. 
Let  mortal  tongues  awake  ; 
Let  all  that  breathe  partake  ; 
Let  rocks  their  silence  break : 
The  sound  prolong." 

Then  the  whole  assembly  arose,  and  the  loud-noise-producing 
iubtrumeuts  joined  in.  And  the  fleas  being  very  vigorous,  and 
fat  and  strong,  lifted  up  their  voices  with  tremendous  energy  ; 
aud  all  the  salaried  barkers,  and  the  police  dogs,  and  all  the 
other  dogs  that  were  well-fed  and  rotund  of  belly,  were  in  good 
voice,  so  that  they  all  sent  up  a  volume  of  glad  sound  that 
made  the  air  shake  and  caused  the  great  Flag  to  give  an  extra 


THE  DOGS  AND  THE  FLEAS.  165 

flap  ;  but  the  other  dogs,  being  very  weak  with  hunger,  and 
short  of  wind,  could  not  do  so  well,  but  they,  nevertheless, 
made  a  very  respectable  noise  and  were  very  happy. 

When  the  singing  was  over,  the  Reverend  Tee  de  Little  "Wit 
Blatherskite  lifted  up  his  right  paw,  commanding  attention, 
and  said:  "Brethren,  both  dogs  and  fleas — I  may  call  you 
brethren,  for  beneath  the  all-encompassing  folds  of  this  glorious 
Flag,  we  are  all  equal  [mighty  applause  from  the  fleas,  echoed 
by  the  dogs] — I  think  it  would  be  very  appropriate  upon  this 
occasion,  and  well  pleasing  to  God,  to  turn  this  into  an  exper- 
ience meeting ;  and  let  each  of  us  testify  to  the  blessings  of 
Liberty,  that  our  beloved  Flag  has  conferred  upon  us.  Let  any 
dog  or  flea  get  up  and  speak,  for  all  are  equal  here.  Brother 
Grandadhat,  suppose  you  cheer  us  with  your  experience." 

Brother  Grandadhat,  being  thus  exhorted,  arose,  and  bowing 
low  to  the  Flag,  said  :  "I  bless  God  for  that  Flag,  and  I  bless 
God  that  under  its  protecting  and  blessing-scattering  folds  I 
was  born,  as  were  my  father  and  my  father's  father.  I  am 
proud  to  live  under  it.  I  am  proud  to  boast  that  from  the  very 
first  day,  when  our  fathers  first  flung  it  to  the  breeze,  and  bade 
tyranny  fly  trembling,  with  its  tail  between  its  legs — which  it 
did — it  has  been  giving  us  more  and  more  freedom  every  day, 
until  now  we  are  the  freest,  grandest  and  noblest  nation  on  the 
face  of  the  great  round  globe.  Yea,  I  will  go  further,  and  de- 
clare that  there  is  no  freedom  on  earth,  save  here. 

"  Brethren,  all,  God  gave  us  that  Flag  ;  it  was  designed  in 
Heaven,  and  God  has  been  ever  with  it,  and  acknowledged  it 
for  his  own.  Never,  never,  never  has  it  floated — never,  never, 
never  can  it  float  —  over  any  wrong,  injustice  or  tyranny. 
Under  the  effulgent  splendor  of  its  beautiful  white  spots  and 
red  streaks,  wrong,  injustice  and  tyranny  wither  and  wilt  as 
would  toadstools  before  the  midsummer  midday  sun.  [Tre- 
mendous explosion  of  applause  from  the  fleas,  joined  in  by  the 
dogs.]  When  God  gave  us  that  Flag,  he,  with  it,  threw  wide 
open  the  windows  and  doors  of  Heaven,  and  p'ourfed  out  ffom 


166 


THE  DOGS  AND  THE  FLEAS. 


his  iufinite  cornucopiae,  such  a  deluge  of  blessings  upon  us  as 
no  nation  on  earth  ever  got  or  ever  will  get,  and  forthwith  made 
us  the  pride  of  ourselves  and  the  envy  of  the  whole  world. 
[A  most  awful  burst  of  applause  from  the  fleas,  all  the  fleas 
rising  up  to  give  it.  Several  very  weak,  hungry  and  woe- 
begone dogs,  carried  away  by  the  whirlwind  of  excitement,  drop 
dead  of  heart  failure.] 

"  '  The  gifts  of  God  to  our  people  have  been  so  abundant  and 
so  special,  that  the  spirit  of  devout  thanksgiving  awaits  but  the 
appointment  of  a  day  when  it  may  have  a  common  expression. 
He  has  stayed  the  pestilence  at  our  door.'  and  caused  all  evil  to 
turn  aside  from  touching  us.  '  He  has  given  us  a  love  for  our 
free  civil  institutions,'  and  grace  to  abhor  and  hang  all  who  do 
not  believe  we  are  free,  and  dare  to  say  so.  '  He  has  widened 
our  philanthropy  by  calls  to  succor  the  distress  in  other  lands  ; 
and  he  has  given  us '  such 
'  a  great  increase  in  material 
wealth,  and '  such  '  a  wide 
diffusion  of  contentment  and 
comfort  in  the  homes  of  our ' 
dogs,  that  we  are  the  wonder 
of  the  whole  world,  and  the 
joy  of  ourselves.  [Grand 
crescendo  of  applause  from 
the  fleas,  and  penitent  ejacu- 
lations from  the  dogs  of: 
"Lord,  forgive  our  past  re- 
piuings  ;  "  "Lord,  help  us 
to  feel  how  full  we  are;" 
"  Lord,  take  away  our  blind- 
ness, that  our  wealth  may  be 
disclosed  to  us  ;  "  and  much 
winking  amongst  the  Bamboozling  Committee,  at  the  satisfac- 
tory working  of  the  Bamboozle]  Oh,  beloved  brethren,  ours 
is  the  Flag,  the  only  Flag  in  the  world  worth  having,  and  xvc've 


THE  DOGS  AND  THE  ELEAS.  167 

got  it,  and  don't  you  forget  it ;  [Screams,  yells,  and  deliriums  of 
applause.]  the  world  euvies  us  its  possessiou  ;  they  would  like 
it,  but  they  shall  not  have  it ;  for  my  part,  I  will  never  desert 
the  Flag.  No  !  I  will  never  do  it  It's  of  no  use  asking  me. 
That  Flag  has  blessed  me  ;  it  has  given  me  and  mine  prosperity, 
so  that  I  am  comfortably  rotund  and  fat ;  it  is  the  object  of  my 
love,  my  adoration,  and  I  never  will  desert  it;  no  ne— ver.  I 
will  not  live  under  any  other  ;  so  it's  of  no  use  asking  me  ;  I 
would  not  take  the  riches  of  the  whole  world  for  the  daily  sight 
of  it ;  so  it's  no  use  any  one  offering  them  to  me.  I  am  per- 
fectly happy  now,  and  I  shall  go  to  Heaven  when  I  die.  And 
when   the   death   dew   lies   cold   on   my   brow,    may   my    last 

words  "^fe  : 

'  oh,  Flag  of  the  Free  !    I  would  die  for  thee  ; 
Emblem  of  Libertee,  Libertee— ee.'  " 

And  making  again  obeisance  to  the  emblem,  he  sat  down 
amid  a  thunder  of  applause,  and  the  hullabaloo  of  the  loud- 
noise-producing  instruments. 

Then  spake  the  Reverend  Tee  De  Little  Wit  Blatherskite, 
"  Brethren,  that  testimony  must  have  done  us  all  good,  I  am 
sure.     Will  some  other  good  brother  favor  us  with  his  exper- 


ience 


Then  stepped  forth  Andronicus  Carnivorous,  and,  making 
three  very  low  obeisances  to  the  Flag,  said  in  a  voice  low  and 
broken  with  emotion  :  "  Brother  dogs  and  fleas  :  This  is  the 
proudest  and  and  solemnest  moment  of  my  life.  When  I  look 
on  that  glorious  Flag,  amongst  whose  bright  spots  and  broad  red 
streaks,  I  can,  with  my  mind's  eye,  see,  traced  in  lines  of  reful- 
gent brightness,  'LIFE,  LIBERTY,  HAPPINESS,  EQUAL- 
ITY, FRATERNITY,'  my  heart  swells  to  bursting  with  grati- 
tude, that  some  God,  Providence  or  other  beneficence,  did,  in 
boundless  mercy,  direct  my  wandering  feet,  when  a  young  and 
poverty-stricken  dog,  to  the  shores  of  this  glorious  free  land,  so 
bountifully  blest  with  the  milk  and  honey  of  prosperity  ;  and 
that  I  was  privileged— for  it  Tvas  a  privilege— to  rest  and  dwell, 


168  THE   DOGS   AND  THE   FLEAS. 

and  make  my  home  under  the  great  broad  shadow  of  that  grand 
old  Flag  [making  obeisance  thereto]  of  the  Free  [Flea  ap- 
plause]. 

"Oh,  Brother  dogs — for  though  that  blessed  Flag  has  pros- 
pered me  immensely,  and  made  me  as  corpulent  a  sucker  as  the 
most  monstrous  of  your  fleas,  I  am  not  puffed  up  with  pride, 
but  still  deem  it  my  highest  honor  to  count  myself  as  one  of 
you,  and  to  share  with  you  the  dignities  of  your  citizenship. 
[Applause  from  the  dogs  and  a  mysterious  voice  from  the  rear, 
"  Yes,  but  not  the  hunger  of  it,"  and  cries  of  "  Put  him  out. "]  . 

"Oh,  brother  dogs,  if  it  is  such  a  blessed  privilege  to  come 
in  as  a  ragged  stranger,  and  with  the  brogue  of  a  foreign  dog 
on  my  tongue,  under  the  folds  of  this  Flag,  Oh  !  what  must 
it  be  to  be  born  under  it,  of  parents  born  under  it,  too  !  Oh  ! 
I  cannot  enough  congratulate  the  dogs  here,  who  were  thus 
blessed,  upon  the  unutterably  precious  heritage  they  have 
in  that  fact.  Neither  can  I  forgive  the  irreparable  wrong — 
unintentional  though  it  might  have  been — my  parents  did 
me,  in  having  brought  me  into  the  world  in  a  foreign  land, 
in  the  midst  of  the  darkness,  heathenism,  want,  misery  and 
tyranny  that  reign  wheresoever  that  Flag  fluttereth  not. 
[Tumultuous  applause  from  dogs  and  fleas.]  Yet,  though  I 
cannot  help  that  wrong,  I  yield  to  no  dog  and  no  flea  in  the 
width,  length,  depth  and  intensity  of  my  love  and  adoration 
of  that  blessed  emblem  of  the  liberty,  equality  and  fraternity 
that  all  enjoy  that  live  under  it.  Yea,  I  believe  that  I,  carry- 
ing about  with  me  the  agonizing  consciousness  of  my  foreign 
origin,  am  more  acutely  appreciative  of  the  blessedness  of  liv- 
ing under  it  than  they  who  are  born  under  it,  and  can 
claim  the  Flag  as  their  very  own.  Often  and  often  am  I 
amazed  that  so  many  of  our  native  dogs  seem  so  little  to  appre- 
ciate their  blessings.  Instead  of  living-  in  a  state  of  perpetual 
thankfulness,  that  they  were  born  and  live  under  this  Flag,  and 
participate  in  the  wealth,  protection  and  liberty  it  scatters  over 
all  that  are  worthy,  they  go  about  discontented  and  coniplain- 


THE   DOGS  AND  THE   FLEAS.  169 

in  g  of  hunger  and  hard  work;  and  I  have  often  been  shocked 
by  hearing  some  of  these  very  native  dogs  say,  '  Damn  Flags 
when  you've  nothing  to  eat'  I  think  all  such  dogs  are  blind 
and  ungrateful,  and  should  be  punished  as  infidels  and  blas- 
phemers.    [Applause.] 

'  "Oh,  Brethren,  I  can  testify  that  the  Flag  has  abundantly 
blessed  me,  though  a  foreigner  born.  And  what  I  say  is,  that 
what  it  has  done  for  me,  it  stands  ready  to  do  for  all.  I  love  it. 
I  live  for  it  ;  I  would  die  for  it  if  need  were,  and  I  should 
happen  to  be  in  the  country  at  the  time.  I  would  abide  ever 
under  its  great,  wide,  brooding  folds,  but  that  an  imperious 
and  inevitable  duty  drives  me  to  spend  most  of  my  time  away 
over  the  pond. 

"Like  my  dear  friend,  Dephool  Flea  here,  it  is  with  a  high 
and  lofty  purpose  I  go  abroad.  Upon  me  is  laid  the  solemn 
duty  to  go  and  testify  to  my  old  kin  beyond  the  pond,  what 
great  things  this  glorious  Flag  hath  done  for  my  soul  and  body. 
Over  there  are  divers  cantankerous  and  evil-minded  carpers 
and  jibers  against  our  glorious  liberties,  who  allege  that  our 
dogocracy  is  all  snide  ;  our  equality  all  fake  ;  our  fraternity  all 
buncombe  and  gaseous  boast ;  our  liberty  all  a  gorgeous  men- 
dacity. Therefore  deem  I  myself  charged  with  the  responsi- 
bility of  putting  to  silence  and  shame  these  calumniators,  by 
frequently  dropping  myself  amongst  them,  a  visible,  tangible, 
audible  proof  and  specimen  of  the  product  of  our  Flag.  It  is 
laid  on  me  to  be  the  exponent  of  Triumphant  Dogocracy  under 
the  Flag  of  the  Free ;  and  woe  is  me  if  I  shirk  to  discharge 
this  duty." 

"  I  can  understand  the  pain  it  gives  our  beloved  Chancy  to  be 
away  from  under  his  beloved  Flag,  three  or  four  months  every 
year,  and  the  overwhelming  joy  he  always  feels  in  getting  back 
again  ;  for  it  is  martyrdom  to  me  to  be  expatriated  so  long ; 
but  I  bear  up  under  it  as  well  as  I  can,  cheered  by  the  reflec- 
tion that  I  have  a  mission  that  none  but  I  can  fulfill,  and  that 
I  am  performing  the  incalculably  beneficent  service  of  dissemi- 


170  THE  DOGS   AND  THE  FLEAS. 

natiug  correct  notions  about  this  great  country  and  its  Flag,  and 
creating  friendly  feeling  towards  it." 

"When  this  my  duty  shall  be  finally  accomplished — as  I 
pray  it  soon  may  be — and  I  shall  be  privileged  to  come  home 
finally,  and  rest  me  forevermore  under  the  proud  flutter  of  its 
waving,  and  daily  bathe  mj'  glad  soul  in  the  healing  beams  of 
its  shining,  then  alone  shall  Andronicus  Carnivorous  be  happy." 
[Immense  and  prolonged  applause,  amid  which  the  Bambooz- 
ling Committee  get  around  him,  and  hug  and  kiss  him.  And 
the  Holy  One  a  Maker  of  long  prayers,  regretfully  sighs  and 
says  to  himself,  "  Oh,  Andy,  Andy  !  One  thing  only  thou  lack- 
est.  If  thou  wert  only  a  Christian,  thou  wouldst  be  quite 
perfect."] 


CHAPTER   XXIX. 

The  Spirit  Irresistibly  Moves  Pharaoh  Phrique  to 
Testify  of  Freedom,  Equality  and  Justice. — Which 
Shows  that  Satan  Can  Sometimes  be  Exceedingly 
Pious.  —  Phrique  Overdoes  His  Part  and  Nearly 
Wrecks  the  Bamboozle. — Mak  Tinley 
to  the  Rescue. 


^ARDLY  had  Carnivorous  resumed  his  seat,  when 
there  was  a  great  commotion  among  the  fleas 
behind.      It   was   caused   by   Pharaoh   Phrique, 
upon  whom  the  Spirit  of  Prophecy  had  just  de- 
scended.    Rising,  he  shouted,  "  I  want  to  testify. 
Oh,  I  shall  burst  if  I  don't  testify." 
To  whom  De  Little  Wit  Blatherskite  said  :     "  Brother,  noth- 
ing hinders  that  thou  testify.     Come  forward  then,  and  testify, 
and  the  Lord  be  with  thee." 

Then  Pharaoh  Phrique  hasted  and  ran,  and  tumbled  over 
several  of  the  other  fleas,  and  having  made  profound  obeisance 
to  the  Flag,  he  opened  his  mouth  to  speak,  but  he  could  not ; 
for  a  great  emotion  seized  him  and  shook  him,  and  he  wept 
with  a  great  weeping  greatly.  Whereat  all  the  fleas  sympa- 
thetically wept  also,  while  all  the  dogs  wondered. 

After  a  short  time,  however,  he  found  utterance,  and  in 
broken  accents  began  :  "  Oh,  Brethren,  dogs  and  fleas  ;  never 
did  I  fully  realize  until  my  beloved  partner,  Andronicus  Carniv- 
orous, was  testifying  as  to  what  this,  our  glorious  Flag,  had  done 
for  his  soul  and  body,  the  infinite  blessings  it  brings  to  us  all. 
I  said  to  myself,  while  he  was  testifying,  'Oh!  If  this  poor 
God-forgotten  foreigner,  born  under  a  bloody  flag,  where  Liberty 
was  never  heard  of,  where  equality  and  fraternity  are  words  of 
incomprehensible  jargon,  could  come  here,  and  in  the  space  of 

171 


173  THE   DOGS   AND   THE   FLEAS. 

a  few  short  years  could  have  his  miud  so  wonderfully  enlarged 
and  ennobled,  and  his  soul  so  saturated  with  the  sacred  prin- 
ciples of  freedom,  as  he  has  evidenced  to  us  to  day,  Oh  !  what 
a  home  of  Liberty  our  country  must  be  !  '  And,  I  tell  you, 
brethren  (and  it's  a  fact  we  uativeborners  may  be  justly  proud 
of),  this  just  shows  that  the  very  air  here  is  Liberty,  by  which, 
the  moment  an\'  one  breathes  it,  he  is  made  free.  And,  above 
all,  let  us  remember,  and  never  forget,  that  WE  made  this  free 
air,  and  this  free  country  ;  that  is,  OUR  FATHERS  and  WE. 
They  laid  the  foundations  of  Liberty,  roughly  and  according  to 
the  light  they  had  ;  but  it  was,  by  an  all-vrrse  Providence,  who 
foreknew  our  coming,  reserved  unto  US — with  our  more  acute 
appreciation  of,  and  more  advanced  education  in,  the  principles 
of  true  freedom — to  rear  therefrom  the  finished  superstructure, 
the  biggest,  grandest,  and  most  gorgeously  beautiful  Temple  of 
Liberty  the  world  ever  saw. 

"And  this  was  all  perfectly  natural.  We  are  a  free  people, 
and  a  free  people  makes  free  institutions.  Freedom  with  us  is 
an  instinct.  It  is  born  in  us.  It  is  our  atmosphere,  our  food. 
It  sticks  out  all  over  us.  A  true  born  Canisvillian  takes  to 
Liberty  more  naturally  than  a  duck  takes  to  water.  Liberty  is 
as  much  our  attribute,  as  the  odor  is  the  attribute  of  the  rose, 
and,  like  the  rose,  we  diflFuse  it  wherever  we  move  ;  so  that 
whosoever  seeth  us,  smelleth  us,  or  toucheth  us,  draweth  virtue 
from  us,  and  is  made  free.  [Tempests,  whirhA-inds,  cyclones  of 
applause  that  nearly  lift  Pharaoh  Phrique  off  his  feet.] 

"  Thus  it  is,  brethren,  that  in  all  this  broad  land  there  is  no 
such  thing  as  a  slave,  never  was,  and  never  can  be.  A  slave,  or 
an  oppressed  dog  of  any  description  here,  is  an  anomal}'  we 
would  not  endure  for  a  moment.  [Much  applause  from  the 
fleas  and  joy  amongst  the  dogs.] 

"The  great  reason  why  this  is  the  cradle  and  home  of  Liberty 
is,  that  every  true,  native  born  CanisA-illian — be  he  dog  or  be  he 
flea — burns  so  brightly  with  the  sacred  fire  of  Liberty,  that  he 
acts  as  though  he  were  the  sole  and  only  defender  of  his 


THfi  E)OGS  AND  THE  F'tEAS.  173 

country's  rights  and  liberties.  Here  each  citizen  spriugs  spon- 
taneously to  its  defense.  Not  a  flea  of  us  but  would  spring  with 
alacrity,  at  the  first  call  of  danger,  to  lend  the  Government,  at 
six  per  cent.,  and  good  security,  all  the  wealth  he  has  ;  and  I  am 
sure  that  the  noble  patriotism  of  our  citizen  dogs  is  such  that 
not  a  dog  would  shirk  to  go  forth  to  fight  and  die  for  his  Country 
and  Flag.  [Rampageous  cheering  by  the  dogs,  marred  by  a 
voice,  "  At  naught  per  cent,  and  no  security."] 

"  Oh!  Brethren!"  exclaimed  Brother  Phrique,  ignoring  the  in- 
terruption, that  made  the  Bamboozling  Committee  look  uneasily 
at  each  other,  "if  there  is  one  thing  more  than  another  that 
this  Flag— my  Flag,  your  Flag — has  wrought  into  the  very  fibre 
of  my  soul,  it  is  the  love  of  Libertv,  Justice  and  Fair  Dealing. 
Oh,  how  my  soul  burns  with  indignation  when  I  read  of  the 
injustice  and  brutal  tyranny  that  are  practised  on  the  poor  dogs 
in  foreign  lands— oppressions  that  our  free  and  noble  dogs  w^ould 
not  endure  for  a  moment !  Oh  !  I  wonder  they  do  not  rise  and 
kill  their  oppressors.  But  they  do  the  next  best  thing.  They 
have  heard  that  over  here  is  the  only  genuine  and  original  Flag 
of  Liberty  ;  and  they  come  by  hundreds  and  by  thousands — 
escaped  slaves — to  rest  them  under  its  shadow,  and  dwell  in 
peace  and  plenty  forever  more,  where  the  oppressor  ceases  from 
troubling,  and  the  weary  are  at  rest."  [A  voice  from  afar  off: 
"  How  about  your  Blood  and  Bones  Grindery,  and  your  Devil's 
Cheap  Bargain  Counter  Dogs  ?  "  Great  confusion,  and  a  rush 
of  police  dogs  to  that  part,  with  no  result.] 

Here  the  Bamboozling  Committee  cast  anxious  glances  at 
each  other,  and  hastily  got  together  in  a  rear  corner,  and 
Brother  Grandadhat  said  to  Mountebank  Dephool  Flea,  "Oh, 
Chancy,  Brother  Phrique  will  wreck  this  whole  Bamboozle. 
What  E^^l  Spirit  from  the  Lord  led  that  dog  to  ask  him  that 
unfortunate  question  ?  Oh  !  that  we  had  not  allowed  him  to 
come  forward  !  " 

And  Chancy  replied,  "  It  is  unfortunate,  very.  We  must  shut 
him  off,  somehow,  or  he  will  certainly  render  all  our  Bamboozle 


Hi  THE  DOGS  AND  THE  FLEAS. 

nugatory.  There  are  evideutly  some  of  those  thinking  dogs 
present,  damn  'em.  If  it  had  not  been  for  them,  this  hocus- 
pocus  would  have  gone  off  swimmingly." 

"Thinking  dogs  present,  did  you  say,  Brother  Chancy?" 
exclaimed  Carnivorous,  shaking  with  fright.  "  Do  you  think 
there  is  danger  of  more  trouble?  Hadn't  I  better  get  away 
over  the  pond  ?  Is  there  any  boat  ready  ?  Am  I  likely  to  get 
hurt?  I  have  a  Reputation  to  maintain.  My  Mission  and  the 
Voice  of  Duty " 

"  Don't  be  a  fool,  Andy,"  broke  in  Wi^jelm  Bunkum  Mak 
Tinley,  "  this  Bamboozle  is  no  failure  by  a  long  chalk.  We  will 
get  Brother  Phrique  out  of  the  way.  It  was  a  great  folly  and 
oversight  on  our  part  to  let  him  be  put  forward  at  this  juncture. 
But  I  will  tickle  these  dogs'  ears,  and  pull  wool  over  their  eyes, 
and  more  than  make  up  for  this  misadventure." 

"  Canst  thou  save  us.  Brother  Mak  Tinley  ?  "  said  Andronicus. 

"You  bet  I  can,"  replied  Mak  Tinley.  "Why,  these  Canis- 
ville  dogs  are  the  most  gullible Yools  in  all  creation.  They  are 
a  fish  that  can  be  caught  with  a  bare  hook  every  time,  if  only 
one  has  courage  and  address  enough  to  know  how  to  fling  it. 
The  secret  lies  in  lying  to  them  with  the  most  tremendous  sin- 
cerity and  boldness.  It  is  the  triumph  of  mind  over  matter;  of 
intellect  over  brute  strength." 

"Then  we  will  get  Brother  Phrique  off"  and  put  thee  on," 
said  President  Dephool  Flea. 

So  Chancy  Mountebank  vv'hispered  softly  for  a  few  moments 
unto  Pharaoh  Phrique,  and  advised  him  to  slow  down  his 
speech,  and  taper  off  and  wind  up  and  retire  as  gracefully  as  he 
could,  as  he  was  jeopardizing  the  Bamboozle. 

And  Pharaoh  took  the  hint,  and  perorated  a  few  minutes 
about  the  beauty  of  brotherly  love,  of  righteousness,  Liberty, 
patriotism  and  the  Flag  ;  and  having  made  exactly  one  dozen 
obeisances  to  the  glorious  Flag  of  the  Free,  and  spent  five 
minutes  in  silent  and  rapturous  adoration  of  it,  he  slid  away  to 
the  rear,  and  sank  out  of  sight,  and  was  no  more  seen  or  heard. 


CHAPTER  XXX. 


WiLHEirM  Bunkum  Mak  Tinley  Deals  out  to  the  Dogs 
Some  Tremendous  Doses  of  Bunkum,  but  the  Dogs' 
SwAEEOW  IS  Much  More  Tremendous  and  They  Guep  it 
Easily. — He  Treats  Them  to  a  Masterly  Exhibition 
oE  His  Art  of  Statistic  and  Average  Juggling. — The 
Starving  Dogs  Delighted  at  Finding  Themselves 
Proved  so  Wealthy. 


I  HEN  arose  Wilhelm  Bun- 
kum Mak  Tinley  Flea 
and  stepped  forward, 
while  all  the  assembled 
fleas  cheered  and  ap- 
plauded to  the  echo, 
which  made  all  the  dogs 
think  that  he  must  be 
some  extraordinary 
prophet,  either  just  arisen 
or  just  come  down.  He 
was  a  portly  flea,  of  most 
benevolent  aspect,  and 
seemed  to  be  the  very 
embodiment  of  sincerity. 
He  had  a  mild  and  beau- 
tiful God-Bless-You-My- 
Children  eye,  and  a  beau- 
tifully sympathetic  O  - 
How-I-Love-You  mouth, 
which  at  once  inspired  re- 
And  when  he  opened  his  mouth  to  speak,  his  softly 
♦  175 


spect. 


11'6  THE  DOGS  ANt)  THE  FtEAS. 

cadent  voice  floated  o'er  the  vast  assembly  of  dogs  like  augelic 
music,  so  that  they — utter  strangers  to  siich  delightful  souuds — 
stood  entranced,  and  the  Bamboozling  Committee  beamed 
glances  of  perfect  satisfaction  on  one  another. 

"  Incline  your  ears  unto  me,  O  beautiful,  dutiful  dogs,"  said 
he,  "dogs  of  a  goodly  lineage,  free  born,  noble  and  independent. 
Give  ear  unto  my  voice.  I  esteem  it  the  proudest  honor  of 
my  life  to  be  permitted  the  precious  privilege  of  standing  before 
and  addressing  such  a  vast  audience  of  free  and  intellectual 
dogs,  as  the  one  now  before  me.  [Great  straightening  up  of 
the  dogs,  and  brightening  of  their  eyes.]  This  is  an  audience 
whose  intelligent  ej-es  and  noble  brows  show  at  once  that  noth- 
ing but  TRUTH  will  go  down  with  them,  [Greater  straighten- 
ing up  of  the  dogs.]  that  to  fool  them  is  an  impossible  task. 
And  why  ?  Because  ye  are  Canisvillians,  and  that  [pointing]  is 
your  Flag,  the  Flag  of  the  Free.  [Great  cheering  from  the  fleas 
and  dogs  too.  ] 

"And  not  only  is  that  the  Flag  of  Freedom,  but  it  is  the  Flag 
of  Prosperit}',  too.  [Fleas  cheer,  while  dogs  wonder.]  Yes, 
fellow  citizens,  I  repeat  it,  the  Flag  of  Prosperity.  Never  was 
there  a  country  so  free  or  so  prosperous  ;  and  I  may  say  never 
was  there  a  country  so  able  to  defend  its  freedom  and  prosperity. 
[Cheering.] 

"I  regret  to  sa}'  that  there  are  certain  unpatriotic  dogs 
amongst  us,  who  are  so  far  lost  to  the  sense  of  their  duty  to 
stick  up  for  their  country,  right  or  wrong,  as  to  wickedly  assert 
that  dogs  in  this  country  are  hungry  and  poor  ;  but  we  fling  the 
calumny  in  their  teeth  ;  we  brand  it  as  a  lie  ;  we  rejoin  that  it 
is  the  lie  of  our  country's  old  time  enemy,  Kyhiuom,  and  for 
you  dogs  to  believe  it,  were  a  libel  upon  your  intelligence. 
[Great  wonderment  on  the  countenances  of  the  dogs.] 

"But,  fellow  free  citizens,  they  cannot  fool  you  thus;  ye  know 
that  ye  are  neither  hungry  nor  poor. 

"What  do  Statistics  tell  us?  What  saith  Average?  What 
saitli  Protection  ?     What  saith   the   Great   Hunkidori  ?     What 


the;  dogs  and  th^  PtfiAg.  l'?'? 

saith  the  Gospel  of  the  Balance  of  Trade  ?  What  saith  the  Book 
of  the  Prophecy  of  the  Exports  and  Imports  ?  What  is  the 
voice  of  the  ever  blessed  and  adorable  Gold  Basis?  All  these 
Ho'.y  Scriptures  teach  us  that  there  is  neither  hunger  nor  pov- 
erty in  all  this  glorious  land  under  the  Flag  of  the  Free  ;  that 
we,  as  a  country,  are  the  fairest,  fattest  and  wealthiest  people 
God's  sun  ever  shone  on.  [Tempestuous  applause  from  the 
fleas,  and  great  mesmerism  of  the  dogs,  some,  however,  absent- 
mindedly  stroking  their  flat  bellies.] 

"Fellow  citizens,  the  Gospel  of  the  Balance  of  Trade  telleth 
us  that  the  Balance  is  with  us,  and  not  agin  us.  Our  god  Pro- 
tection, is  as  a  wall  of  fire  round  about  us,  warming  and  com- 
forting us  within,  and  scorching  and  shrivelling  all  those  with- 
out. The  Book  of  the  Prophecy  of  the  Exports  and  Imports 
assureth  us  that  our  bread  is  certain  and  our  water  sure.  The 
Great  Hunkidori  speaketh  and  saith  that  we  are  all  right,  and 
there  is  nothing  the  matter  with  tis.  And  we  have  the  precious 
promise  of  the  ever  blessed  and  a  lorable  Gold  Basis  that  no 
evil  shall  touch  us  while  ever  our  feet  are  planted  on  its  eter- 
nal foundation.  And  vStatistics  tell  us  that  Our  National  Wealth 
is  greater  than  that  of  any  nation  of  dogs  under  heaven. 
[L/Usty  cheers  from  the  fleas,  and  delighted  expressions  on  the 
faces  of  the  dogs] 

"Yes,  fellow  citizens,  Statistics  never  lie.  They  are  our  in- 
fallible guide  through  the  wilderness  of  assertion  and  counter- 
assertion.  You  may  nst  your  weary  feet  on  them  every  time. 
When  heart  and  flesh  fail  you,  and  despondency  taketli  hold 
upon  you  ;  when  ye  walk  through  the  valley  of  ghosts  and 
spectres  of  Hunger  and  Poverty  aud  Want,  and  ye  are  sore 
afraid  they  are  upon  yoii,  then  look  ye  to,  and  trust  ye  in  Statis- 
tics, and  ye  shall  be  saved  ;  the  ghosts  and  spectres  shall  fly 
away  and  ye  shall  know  that  ye  are  full  and  happy.  [Sobs  and 
cries  of  joy  from  the  dogs  at  this  beautiful  Free  Salvation.] 
"See,  Brethren,  See  !  Statistics  tell  us  that  the  dogs  of  Canis- 
ville  and  countrv  are  6."), 000.     Statistics   also  tell    us  that  our 


1*76 


THE   DOGS   AND  THE  FLEAS. 


National  Wealth  Heaps,  in  charge  of  the  Sacred  Trustees,  con- 
tain more  than  equal  to  650,000  basketfuls  of  good,  wholesome 
food,  which,  divided  by  65,000,  gives  an  Average  of  ten  basket- 
fuls Per  Capita.  [Ejaculations  of  surprise  and  astonishment 
from  the  dogs,  who  had  no  idea  before  that  they  were  so 
wealthy.] 

"Now,  fellow  citizens,  this  is  a  wonderful  showing.  Only 
think  of  it  !  Ten  basketfuls  to  every  dog  in  Canisville ! 
Enough  to  make  every  dog  quite  corpulent  and  his  ribs  to  bulge 
with  fullness.  It  is  marvellous.  It  is  astounding.  No  other 
dogs  in  the  whole  wide  world  can  show  such  an  Average.  I  am 
told  by  our  brother,  Chancy  Mountebank  Dephool  Flea,  and 
bj'  brother  Andronicus  Carnivorous,  that  over  the  pond,  in  the 
best  countries  there,  the  Average  is  not  more  than  one  basketful 
per  capita  ;  that  in  most  it  is  less  than  that,  and  that  in  some  it  is 
nothing  at  all,  [Sighs  of  sympathy  from  the  dogs  for  those 
poor  devils.] 

"Should  not  our  dogs  then,  instead  of  repining  that  they  are 
not  more  wealthy,  rejoice  and  be  exceeding  glad  that  they  are 
so  much  better  off  than  the  poor  oppressed  dogs  of  other  lands  ? 
Ought  they  not  to  thank  God  hourly  for  their  great  Average,  and 
to  bless  him  for  Statistics  that  make  such  a  wonderful  Average 
possible  ? 

"TEN  BASKETFULS  PER  CAPITA!!!  Think  for  a  moment 
what  that  means.  Statistics  tell  us  that  the  average  of  mouth- 
fuls  to  the  basket,  is,  in  round  numbers,  one  hundred.  This, 
multiplied  by  ten,  equals  one  thousand  vioiithfuls  per  dog. 
Think  of  it !  One  thousand  mouthfuls  of  GOOD  VICTUALS 
per  dog.  [Sensation  amongst  the  dogs ;  great  watering  of 
mouths  and  licking  of  chops.  ]  The  mind  fails  to  grasp  the  im- 
mensity of  the  fact  ;  it  is  stunned  ;  it  staggers  ;  it  reels.  Imag- 
ination's utmost  stretch  in  wonder  dies  away.  It  is  wealth 
incomprehensible.  ONE  THOUSAND  MOUTHFULS  PER 
DOG  ! !  !  It  sounds  like  Fiction.  It  sounds  like  a  lie,  it  is  so 
incredible  ;  and  yet,  there  are  the  Statistics  ;  there  are  the  fig- 


THE  DOGS  AND  THfi  FLEAS. 


179 


ures  which  are  beyond  disproof,  beyond  dispute.  [Great  cheer- 
ing by  the  dogs  over  these  facts.] 

Well  may  the  true  Canisville  dog  be  proud  of  his  country 
and  his  Flag  ;  proud  of  his  comfortable  home  and  his  sleek  and 
fat  condition  ;  proud  of  the  Statistics,  and  proud  of  the  generous 
Average  the  Statistics  give  him  to  eat.  [The  dogs  applaud  and 
cry,  "Three  cheers  for  Male  Tiuley."] 

"  Shall  v^^e  surrender,  then,  this  our  prosperity,  to  our  Enemy? 
[Never,  from  the  dogs.]  Shall  we  haul  down  the  Flag  of 
Freedom  that  gives  us  this  prosperity  ?  [No,  no,  no,  from  the 
dogs,  and  Perish  the  thought,  from  the  fleas.]  Patriots,  fel- 
low citizens,  brothers,  let  us  ever  cherish,  down  in  our  deepest 
hearts,  the  principles  that  have,  under  God,  differentiated  us 
from  the  rest  of  the  world  and  lifted  us  to  the  highest  pinnacle 
of  wealth  and  greatness  that  dogs  ever  enjoyed.  Let  us  never 
surrender  them,  but  stick  by  the  Holy  Statistics  and  the  Aver- 
age ;  by  our  Protection  and  the  Great  Hunkidori  ;  by  the  Gos- 
pel of  the  Balance  of  Trade,  the  Book  of  the  Prophecy  of  the 
Exports  aud  Imports,  and  the  ever  blessed  and  adorable  Gold 
Basis.  Abide  by  these  ;  fight  for  them  ;  if  needs  be,  die  for 
them ;  thus  shall  ye  enjoy  '  ,  life  and  wealth,  and  glory  and 
honor  and  blessing  your-  aji  selves,  and  hand  down  intact 
your   glorious   heritage   to  ^S  your  happy  posterity." 


Making    genuflexion   to_| 
dogs,  Mak  Tinley 
of  applause  broke 


the  flag,  and  bowing  to  the 
retired,  while  storms 
out  from  the  dogs. 


CHAPTER   XXXI. 

Unqualified  Triumph  of  Bunkum,  Statistics  and  Aver- 
ages.— Everything  and  Everybody  "All  Right."— 
Thin  and  Hungry  Honest  Labor  Testifies — His  Head 
Swells.— Shows  that  a  Great  Deal  of  Rich  Patriot- 
ism can  be  Raised  on  a  Very  Small  Amount  of  Poor 
Victuals. 


ILHELM  Bunkum  Mak  Tin- 
ley's  oration  made  a  pro- 
found  impression.      Upon 
the  assembled   fleas  there 
fell  a  peace  as  of  an  un- 
disturbed sea,  a  sweet 
consciousness   that   at 
last,    all   danger   from 
dog-thinking  was  safe- 
ly over.  The  Bambooz- 
ling Committee  beam- 
ed and  winked  at  each 
other  in  silent  ecstasy. 
And  as  for  the  dogs, 
nothing   like   their 
satisfaction    ever    was 
before  seen.     Mak  Tinley's  magnificent 
effort  had  done  the  job.     There  was  in  it 
an  array  of  facts  and  figures  that  carried 
conviction  home  to  their  hearts  and  con- 
sciences.    Poetry,  imagery  and  gush  the 
others  had  given — which  was  all  very  delightful — but  he  had 

180 


THE   DOGS   AND  THE   FLEAS.  181 

risen  to  the  needs  of  the  times.  They  were  hungry  and  wasted, 
and  he  had  opened  the  granary  of  his  brilliant  imagination,  and 
had  poured  out  upon  them  some  real,  genuine,  solid,  sub- 
stantial, and  stomach  filling  Statistics  and  Averages,  that  put 
new  life  and  soul  into  them.  They  danced  and  howled  with 
joy  ;  they  hugged  and  kissed  each  other,  and  blessed  God  for 
Mak  Tinley,  the  Stomach  Filler.  One  meagre  and  unkempt  dog 
cried,  "Three  cheers  for  Mak  Tinley,  Statistics  and  Averages," 
which  all  the  dogs  gave.  Then  another  meagre  dog  yelled, 
"Hurrah  for  our  Country  and  Flag,  the  finest  in  the  world, " 
and  all  the  dogs  hurrahed,  the  pretty  cloths  were  fluttered  on 
high,  the  loud-noise  producing  instruments  were  blown  and 
banged  and  thumped,  and  at  the  word  "Flag,"  all  the  fleas 
arose  and  made  prosternation. 

Then  a  large,  thiu  and  lanky  dog,  with  hungry  ej'es,  jumped 
up  and  demanded  that  three  cheers  be  rendered  unto  the  Bam- 
boozling Committee  ;  which  were  no  sooner  given  than  he 
inquired  with  great  and  strident  solicitude,  "What  is  the  matter 
with  Harry  Grandadhat? "  And  the  whole  assembly  of  dogs 
and  fleas,  before  Grandadhat  had  time  to  reply  on  his  own  be- 
half, thundered  out  in  one  mighty  chorus,  "  He's  all  right ;  " 
to  which  some  one,  who  had  evidently  not  heard  who  was 
referred  to,  inquired,  "Who's  all  right?"  to  which  again  the 
whole  assembly,  very  courteously  and  obligingly,  responded  in 
chorus:  "Why,  Harry  Grandadhat."  All  which  catechism 
seemed,  for  some  deep  and  inscrutable  reason,  to  cause  a  perfect 
delirium  of  joy.  And  the  delirium  spread  and  waxed  until 
nothing  was  heard  or  seen  but  the  chorused  catechism,  three 
cheers  for  everything  and  everybody,  the  hubbub  of  the  wind 
and  thump  instruments,  the  waving  of  the  pretty  cloths,  and 
the  dogs  tearing  madly  around,  howling,  standing  on  their 
heads,  rolling  on  the  ground,  and  leaping  over  each  other  for 
joy  and  gladness. 

At  last  the  tempest  lulled,  and  the  Blatherskite  stepped  for- 
ward and  said,  "Brethren,  now  is  the  accepted  time;   now  is 


183  THE   DOGS   AND   THE   FLEAS. 

the  day  of  testimony.  In  this  hour  of  softened  splendor  and 
outpouring  upon  us  all  of  the  holy  spirit  of  patriotism,  if  there 
is  any  dog  here  that  feels  it  borne  in  upon  his  soul  to  testify, 
let  him  step  up,  and  the  Lord  be  with  him." 

Then  stepped  up  the  large  and  lanky  dog  of  the  hungry  eyes, 
lolling  out  his  tongue  and  panting  with  his  recent  great  exer- 
tions, and  feebly  tottered  up  the  eminence  to  testify.  But  be- 
fore he  commenced,  Chancy  Mountebank  Dephool  Flea  got 
hold  of  him,  and  demanded  of  him  his  name,  that  he  might 
introduce  him.  Then  Dephool  Flea  stepped  forward  and  said, 
"Dogs  and  fellow  citizens:  This  respected  citizen  says  his 
name  is  Honest  Labor,  and  that  he  desires  to  say  what  the  Flag 
has  done  for  his  soul.  Oh,  fellow  citizens,  I  need  not  tell  you 
that  such  as  he  are  the  pride  and  strength  of  our  common 
country,  that  k  is  to  him  and  the  Lowly  Toiler,  that  the  grand- 
eur, magnificence  and  superbity  of  our  material  prosperity  are 
due.  Let  us  all  gratefully  remember  that  without  him  and  his 
unceasing  toil,  this  country  had  not  been  ;  that  to  him  are  we 
beholden  for  a  large  part — if  not  the  largest  part— of  our  wealth  ; 
that  our  brain,  without  his  diligent  paw,  would  have  been  abso- 
lutely useless  ;  that  in  the  upbuilding  of  this  great  country,  he 
was  the  greatest  factor,  and  that  to  him  we  look  for  its  defence, 
its  perpetuity. 

"And  I  may  say  that  it  is  our  pride  that  this  is  a  country, 
this  is  THE  country,  this  the  ONLY  country  in  the  world, 
where  Honest  Labor  is  held  in  honor  ;  yea,  in  reverence;  yea, 
that  is  crowned  with  glory  and  honor,  and  given  first  place  in 

our  esteem,  and "     Here  a  loud  voice  came  from  afar  off  in 

the  crowd,  "  First  place  at  the  grub  basket  would  suit  him 
better,"  followed  by  great  confusion,  alarm,  and  a  great  rush  of 
police  dogs  that  way,  and  a  sound  of  thumped  heads.  The  fleas 
looked  anxious,  and  the  Bamboozlers  uneasy,  and  Andronicus 
Carnivorous,  scenting  danger,  sidled  off.  Dephool  Flea  was 
much  discumfuzzled,  and  nearly  lost  his  cherubic  smile  ;  but 
he  heroically  held  up  his  end,  and  continued : 


THE    DOGS   AND   THE   FLEAS.  183 

"  As  I  was  saying,  other  eflfete  countries  have  their  kings  and 
lords  ;  but  here  we  recognize  no  king,  but  Honest  L/abor  [great 
cheers  and  restoration  of  confidence],  no  order  of  nobility  but 
that  of  Humble  Toil ;  and  in  no  country  does  Honest  Labor  get 
so  large  a  share  of  his  own  product,  or  hold  his  head  so  high 
with  the  conscious  pride  of  his  own  worth.  I  have  the  proud 
honor  and  precious  privilege  of  introducing  him." 

During  all  this  speech,  it  was  noticed  that  poor  Honest  Labor 
was  changing  visibly.  At  first  his  hungry  eye  grew  bright,  and 
his  nostrils  distended  ;  and  as  the  eloquence  waxed  in  tumidity 
and  turgidity,  his  head  was  lifted  up  and  began  to  swell  and 
swell,  and  at  the  crowning  reference  to  his  coronation  as  a  king, 
it  took  a  sudden  and  mighty  inflation  that  made  his  body  and 
legs  look  ridiculously  thin  and  small  and  spindling  by  com- 
parison. 

"What  thinkest  thou  of  our  Chancy  now?"  said  Harry 
Grandadhat,  to  his  dear  friend,  the  Holy  One  a  Maker  of  long 
prayers,  as  he  pointed  to  the  Phenomenon. 

"Called  and  chosen,  called  and  chosen,"  replied  One  a  Maker 
of  prayers,  "  God  hath  indeed  given  unto  him  great  talents." 

"The  Bamboozle  prospereth  indeed,"  said  Mak  Tinley,  and 
tipping  the  wink  to  the  Monstrous  Fleas,  he  whispered  to  one 
of  the  nearest  of  them,  whose  name  was  Shikago  Pigsfoot, 
"  Brother,  merrily  will  go  the  Blood  and  Bones  Mill  after  this." 

"Yes,  yes,"  replied  Shikago  Pigsfoot,  "the  last  drop  of 
blood  shall  be  squeezed  out  of  them.  I  am  famishing  to  see  the 
Mill  going  again,  it  seems  an  awful  loss  to  waste  a  whole  day 
when  every  tiny  drop  of  blood  is  so  precious  to  us  ;  but  I 
suppose  this  bamboozle  is  all  for  our  ultimate  good.  Oh,  that 
to-morrow  were  here  and  the  Mill  going  !  " 

Then  stepped  forward  Honest  Labor,  and  having  made  obeis- 
ance to  the  Flag,  as  he  had  seen  the  flea  speakers  do,  he  spake : 

"Feller  dogs;  this  is  the  proudest  moment  of  my  life. 
Feller  dogs,  you  mustn't  expect  a  fine  speech  from  me,  for  as  I 
was  born  poor  and  hungry,  I  had  to  turn  out  at  eight  months 


184  THE   DOGS   AND  THE   FLEAS. 

old  to  scratch  for  bones  to  eke  out  the  family  living.  Conse- 
quently, I  haint  had  no  eddication.  My  father,  whose  name  was 
Lowly  Toil,  and  is  dead  now,  having  been  taken  oiT  early  by 
a  mysterious  epidemic  called  '  Vacuity  of  the  Alimentary 
Canal,'  that  was  going  about  at  that  time,  was  always  too  poor 
to  give  me  any  eddication  ;  but,  bless  the  Lord,  he  gave  me 
what  is  far  better — he  early  planted  in  my  youthful  breast  the 
love  of  country.  Says  he  to  me,  says  he,  he  says,  '  Honny, 
this  'ere's  your  Country  and  that  there's  your  Flag,  and  you'll 
never  get  such  another  Country  with  such  another  Flag  on  it, 
if  you  sarch  the  earth  over.  It's  the  finest  Country  and  the 
finest  Flag  that  ever  was  or  ever  will  be,  and"  don't  you  forget  it.' 
[Burst  of  applause  from  the  fleas  and  dogs  too.]  Says  I  to  him, 
says  I,  I  says,  'Father,  I  never  will  ;  come  dark,  come  light, 
come  weal,  come  woe,  come  anything,  I'll  never  go  back  on  my 
Country  and  my  Flag.'     [Tempest  of  cheers.] 

"  And  I  never  have.  This  is  God's  country.  [Cheers  from 
the  fleas.]  It  is  a  free  country.  [Cheers.]  It  is  the  poor  dog's 
country.  [Cheers  on  cheers  from  the  fleas  and  dogs  too.] 
Everybody  says  so.  The  foreign  dogs  from  over  the  pond  say 
so.  Where  will  you  find  a  country  that  gives  the  honest  worker 
so  good  a  living?  [Immense  cheering  by  the  fleas.]  Where 
will  you  find  a  country  that  gives  such  '  constant  employment?' 
And  pays  such  '  high  wages  ?  '  [Cheers  from  the  fleas,  and 
"  Aye,  that's  the  question,"  from  the  Bamboozlers.]  Where  so 
many  dogs  have  snug  bank  accounts  ?  Where  Statistics  give 
dogs  such  a  high  Average  of  victuals  to  eat  ?  [Immense  cheers 
and  cries  of  "  Hurrah  for  Mak  Tinley. "]  Where  there  is  such 
a  wide  'difi"usion  of  comfort  and  content?'  [Cheers,  and 
"Hurrah  for  Graudadhat."]  Where  will  you  find  a  country 
as  gives  such  chances  for  poor  and  honest  dogs  to  get  on  and 
come  to  the  Great  Transformation  ?     [Great  cheers.] 

"Look  at  Carnivorous  ;  he  was  poor  and  honest  once,  and 
now  look  at  him.  And  he  aint  the  only  one.  Look  at  our 
Gold  Jays,  our  Rollefeckers,  our  Armorses,  our  Makkises^  our 


THE   DOGS   AND  THE   FLEAS. 


185 


BatideivlliS,  our  Pimples,  our  Carbuncles,  our  Corns,  our  Warts, 
our  Bunions  ;  all  poor  and  honest  once,  and  now  see  what  they 
are.  I  tell  you,  feller  dogs,  there  never  was  a  Country  and  a 
Flag  as  gave  the  poor  and  honest  such  grand  chances  to  get  on 
and  become  something  totally  different.  Look  at  our  Blood 
and  Bones  Grindery  !  Why,  I  am  told  .that  if  any  of  our  free 
and  happy  Handle  turners  w^ere  to  go  over  the  pond,  and  get  a 
job  in  them  foreign  pauper  labor  grinderies,  they  would  be  dis- 
gusted with  the  long  hours  and  small  pay.  There  the  Mon- 
strous Fleas  actually  demand  that  every  dog  give  a  whole  leg  to 
the  hopper,   before  he  can  get  a  place  at  the  Handle,  and  is, 


moreover,  bound  to  serve  seven  years  before  he  can  leave  his 
job.  But  here,  in  this  free  country,  a  dog  has  only  got  to  con- 
tribute two  or  three  toes,  and  is  free  to  leave  his  job  whenever 
he  chooses.     [Wonderful  cheering.] 

"  Everything  in  this  glorious  countrj-  is  away  ahead  of  the 
old  countries.  Even  the  rags  of  the  dogs  here  look  more 
respectable  than  there  ;  and  as  for  poverty,  such  a  thing  is  not 
known  here,  for  if  a  dog  have  neither  food,  nor  kennel,  nor 
where  to  lay  his  head,  he  can  look  up  and  thank  God  that  he 
has  a  Country  and  a  Flag. 


186  THE   DOGS  AND   THE   FLEAS. 

"  I  grind  at  the  Handle  niueteeu  hours  a  day,  and  I  have 
given  four  toes  to  the  hopper  ;  but  I  thank  God  that  I  might  be 
far  worse  off.  Often  I  am  hungry,  very  hungry,  but  I  thank 
God  that  I  might  be  hungrier.  I  am  contented.  It  is  the  duty 
of  dogs  to  be  contented  [applause  from  the  Monstrous  Fleas,] 
a  dog  that  is  always  growling  about  his  lot,  is  a  nuisance  to 
himself  and  everybody  else.  God  don't  love  him,  the  Church 
don't  respect  him,  and  his  employers  hate  him." 

Here  all  the  Bamboozlers  arose  and  patted  him  on  the  back, 
and  the  Blatherskite  turned  to  the  assembly  and  said,  "  Behold, 
a  model  citizen.  Blessed  are  the  contented,  for  when  they  die 
the  gates  of  Heaven  shall  swing  wide  open  to  let  them  in." 

Continuing,  Honest  Labor  said,  "  It  is  the  duty  of  every  dog 
to  stick  up  for  the  country  that  gives  him  employment  and 
keeps  wages  as  high  as  they  are.  The  only  thing  we  have  to 
fear,  is  that  them  foreign  pauper  dogs  from  over  the  pond, 
envious  of  our  great  prosperity,  will  come  crowding  over  here, 
and  tempt  our  employers  to  cut  down  our  wages.  But  I  am 
convinced  that  all  our  eminent,  wealthy  and  Monstrous  Fleas, 
led  on  and  sustained  by  such  friends  of  ours  as  Carnivorous, 
Phrique,  Mak  Tinley,  Dephool  Flea,  Webbfoot,  and  others, 
would  make  a  tremendous  fight  against  that  temptation  before 
they  would  yield.  Therefore,  I  say,  three  times  three  cheers 
for  our  Country,  our  Institutions,  and  our  Flag,  the  freest, 
finest  and  grandest  in  the  world." 

The  burst  of  applause  that  followed  this  simple  eloquence  was 
deafening.  The  wind  and  bang  instruments  struck  up,  the 
dogs  ranted  and  raved,  the  Bamboozling  Committee  stood  on 
their  heads  with  delight  and  all  the  fleas  beamed  with  silent 
ecstasy. 


CHAPTER  XXXII. 


Apotheosis  of  Honest  Labor. — Gorgeous  Ceremonies.— 
Beautiful  Unanimity  of  the  Mutually  Inimical  Fleas 
Around  the  Throne. — End  of  Bamboozle  No.  1. — An 
Awful  Find.  —  King  Honest  Labor  Dead  ;  Which 
Shows  That  Plenty  to  Eat  Is  Better  Than  to  Be  a 
vSham  King. 


WONDERFUL  thing  now  happened.  Exactly 
how  it  happened  was  a  secret  known  only  to  the 
Bamboozling  Committee  and  some  of  their  inti- 
mates ;  but  just  as  the  delirium  of  the  dogs'  joy 
was  at  its  height,  the  whole  assembly  of  the  fleas 
arose  as  by  one  simultaneous  impulse  and  cried  : 
"  Long  live  Honest  Labor,  son  of  Lowly  Toil  !  He  shall  be  our 
King.     Bring  forth  the  Royal  Diadem  and  crown  him  Lord  of 

all." 

187 


/*^ 


188  THE   DOGS  AND  THE   FI.EAS. 

And  suddenly,  beneath  the  great  Flag  of  the  Free,  a  great 
and  gorgeous  throne  was  set ;  and  the  Bamboozling  Committee, 
gathering  around  and  making  genuflexion  to  poor  Honest  Labor 
— whose  head  by  this  time  had  grown  to  an  enormous  size — led 
him  with  every  sign  of  homage  and  adoration,  and  amid  the  de- 
lighted admiration  of  the  dogs,  to  the  throne,  and  set  him 
therein.  And  when  he  was  set,  a  lot  of  the  wealthy,  eminent 
and  Monstrous  Fleas,  headed  by  Grandadhat  and  Dephool  Flea, 
ranged  themselves  up  as  a  bodyguard  of  worshippers  on  either 
side  of  him  ;  and  another  lot,  headed  by  Bunkum  Mak  Tinley, 
fell  at  his  feet  as  Homage  Renderers.  And  Grandadhat,  making 
a  sign  to  the  vast  multitude  of  dogs,  ostentatiously'  kissed  him 
on  the  nose  and  on  the  right  ear  ;  and  Dephool  Flea,  making 
another  sign  to  the  multitude,  ostentatiously  kissed  him  on  the 
nose  and  on  the  left  ear  ;  and  Mak  Tinley,  on  behalf  of  the 
Homage  Renderers  generally,  and  on  his  own  behalf  particu- 
larly, kissed  him  on  the  feet ;  and  all  three,  turning  dramatically 
to  the  dogs,  cried  :  "  Behold  our  King  !  " 

And  all  the  assembled  fleas  cried  out  in  chorus  :  "  God  save 
the  King  !  " 

Then  cried  aloud  Dephool  Flea:  "The  Royal  Diadem,  the 
Royal  Diadem  !     Bring  it  forth,  and  crown  him  Lord  of  all." 

Then  there  stepped  forth  a  very  large  flea,  Grover  Ponderous 
Flea  by  name,  bearing  a  gorgeous  looking  regalia — a  robe,  a 
sceptre  and  a  crown  of  very  large  diameter — followed  by  two 
small  satellite  fleas,  named,  the  one  Rosy  Pretty  Flower,  the 
other  Pennzy  Pattyson,  bearing  between  them  a  ponderous 
bowl  filled  to  the  brim  wilh  some  golden  liquid,  around  which 
flies  buzzed.  Whereupon  all  the  dogs  gave  a  great  howl  of  de- 
light, for  they  seemed  to  know  them. 

"  Hurrah  !  "  they  cried,  "  for  Grover  Ponderous  Flea,  the  new 
Nighunto  ;  the  tried  and  trusty  friend  and  worshipper  of  Honest 
Labor.     Hurrah  !     Hurrah  ! !     Hurrah  !  !  !  " 

And  Grover  Ponderous  Flea,  bowing  graciously  to  the 
dogs,    and  smiliug   knowingly  to   the   fleas,   advanced  to   the 


ttin  Docis  AND  The;  fleas. 


180 


throne,  and  lifting  up  his  eyes  to  the  Flag,  thus  addressed  the 
occupant : 

"  Oh  Honest  Labor,  whose  very  name  is  hallowed,  hail !  All 
hail !  In  this  Land  of  the  Free,  whose  very  air  is  instantaneously 
deadly  poison  to  tyranny  and  kings  of  the  ancient  sort,  we, 
God's  own  freeborn,  have  learned  that  there  is  nothing  truly 
noble  but  that  which  Nature  has  patented;  that  nothing  deserves 
to  reign  but  that  which  Nature  has  crowned  King.  Our  fathers, 
the  prophets,  who  gave  us  our  Liberty  and  our  Flag,  taught  us, 
and  we,  their  childreu,  have  learned  that  Honest  Labor  is  the 


Creator  of  all  Wealth,  our  guide,  preserver  and  friend,  the  Prop 
of  our  Republic,  without  whose  support  the  bottom  would  fall 
out,  and  therefore  the  only  true,  rightful.  Nature-ordained  king, 
the  only  right  sort  of  a  king  to  reign  over  US,  the  finest  race  of 
dogs  and  fleas  that  God  in  his  wonderful  wisdom  ever  created. 
"Therefore,  in  the  name  of  all  these  dogs  assembled  here, 
and  all  the  fleas,  whose  loyalty  I  voice,  I  invest  thy  sacred  and 
large  head,  oh.  Honest  Labor,  with  this  crown  of  large  diameter. 
Thou  art  our  Lord  ;  thou  art  our  King.  We  worship  thee.  We 
love  thy  dirty  paws.     We  love  thy  smell.     We  proudly  point  to 


l&O  THE  DOGS  AND  THK   FLEAS. 

thine  uugroomed  and  unwashen  hide,  for  they  are  the  insignia 
of  thine  inherent  glory.  Henceforth  thou  art  our  Lord,  our 
god  and  King,  and  we  thine  ever-obedient  subjects."  And 
with  that  he  put  the  robe  upon  him,  and  put  the  sceptre  in  his 
right  paw,  and  retired  backward  from  the  Royal  Presence. 

Then  cried  Dephool  Flea  again  :  "Bring  forth  the  Royal 
Taff}'  Bowl  and  feed  him  royally  full." 

Then  did  Grover  Ponderous  Flea  advance  again,  this  time 
preceded  by  his  satellites,  Rosy  Pretty  Flower  and  Penuzy  Pat- 
tyson,  bearing  the  ponderous  bowl.  He  gave  a  sign,  and  all  the 
Bamboozling  Committee  and  a  large  number  of  fleas  of  all  sorts. 
High  Pressurists,  Low  Pressurists,  Nighuntos  and  Faraways, 
smiling  and  smirking  in  most  heavenly  amicability  upon  one 
another,  gathered  around  the  Taffy  Bowl. 

Then  Grover  Ponderous  Flea  called  upon  Tee  de  Little  Wit 
Blatherskite  to  say  grace  over  the  mess — which  he  did  in  his 
most  blatherskitish  and  perfervid  manner — and  then  lifting  up 
his  eyes  to  heaven,  he  muttered  over  it  some  words  of  a  strange 
lingo,  which  none  bit  the  most  learned  of  the  Bamboozling 
Committee  understood.  Some  said  he  was  enraptured,  and  was 
in  a  trance,  and  was  conveising  with  spirits  who  spoke  a  dialect 
of  that  part  of  heaven  called  Sherrycoblerland,  which  he  under- 
stood. Some  said  it  was  not  so  ;  he  was  praying,  which 
nobody  there  at  all  understood.  But  some  very  knowing  fleas 
said  Grover  Ponderous  Flea  was  a  Great  High  Priest  and  had 
the  gift  of  Transubstantiation,  and  was  really  muttering  the 
Sacred  Words  over  the  Taffy,  which  transformed  it  into  the 
real  body  and  blood  of  the  Everblessed  Truth  and  Verity.  Be  it 
as  it  ma)',  these  were  the  words  : 

"There  is  one  important  aspect  of  the  subject  which  espec- 
ially should  never  be  overlooked,  at  times  like  the  present; 
when  the  evils  of  unsound  finance  threaten  us,  the  speculator 
may  anticipate  a  harvest  gathered  from  the  misfortune  of  oth- 
ers, the  capitalist  may  protect  himself  by  hoarding,  or  may 
even  find  profit  in  the  fluctuation  of  values,  but  the  wage 
earner— the  first  to  be  injured  by  a  depreciated  currency,  and 


THE  DOGS  AND  THE  FLEAS.  191 

the  last  to  receive  the  benefit  of  its  correction — is  practically 
defenceless.  He  relies  for  work  upon  the  ventures  of  confident 
and  contented  capital  ;  this  failing  him,  his  condition  is  with- 
out alleviation,  for  he  can  neither  prey  on  the  misfortunes  of 
others,  nor  hoard  his  labor.  One  of  the  greatest  statesmen  our 
country  has  known,  speaking  more  than  fifty  years  ago,  when 
a  derangement  of  the  currency  had  caused  commercial  distress, 
said  :  'The  very  man  of  all  others  who  has  the  deepest  interest 
in  a  sound  currency  and  who  suffers  most  by  mischievous  legis- 
lation in  money  matters,  is  the  man  who  earns  his  daily  bread 
by  his  daily  toil.'  These  words  are  as  pertinent  now  as  the  day 
they  were  uttered,  and  ought  to  impressively  remind  us  that  a 
failure  of  the  discharge  of  our  duties  at  this  time  must  espec- 
ially injure  those  of  our  countrymen  who  labor,  and  who, 
because  of  their  number  and  condition,  are  entitled  to  the  most 
watchful  care  of  their  government.' 

These  words  ended,  all  the  fleas  feeling  sure  that  such 
beautiful  words  called  for  an  Amen  anyhow,  said  "Amen," 
and  then  the  Taffy  Ladlers,  led  by  Grover  Ponderous  Flea, 
Taffyist-in-Chief,  passed  reverently  before  King  Honest  Labor, 
and  crying,  "Oh,  King,  live  forever,"  poured  each  a  spoonful 
down  his  throat,  and  poor  Honest  Labor,  astonished  at  the 
unfamiliar  tickling  of  something  to  swallow,  eagerly  opened 
his  mouth  its  widest  and  hungriest. 

It  was  noticed  that  the  Taffy  Ladlers,  as  they  passed  by  and 
fed  the  King,  shuddered  with  a  disgust  they  tried  laboriously  to 
conceal.  '  Some  muttered  to  each  other,  "Confound  this  job  ;  but 
it  has  to  be  done."  One  said,  "I  don't  like  his  smell." 
"Neither  do  I,  but  we  must  pretend  we  do,"  replied  another. 
Rosy  Pretty  Flower  turned  to  his  fellow  satellite  and  asked  : 
"Brother,  why  do  we  have  to  worship  and  taffy  this  dirty,  lousy 
dog?"  "Well,  brother,"  replied  Pennzy  Pattyson,  "it  is  not 
given  common  mortals  to  solve  the  heavenly  mysteries  ;  all  we 
know  is,  that  the  Bamboozling  Committee,  in  their  inscruta- 
ble wisdom,  have  decreed  that  we  must.  For  my  own  private 
part,  I'd  rather  shoot  him."  "So  would  I,"  briskly  rejoined 
Rosy  Pretty  Flower,  "but " 


192 


THE  DOGS  AND   THE   FLEAS. 


His  words  were  drowned,  for  the  Taffy  Ladlers,  having  fin- 
ished their  function,  the  whole  multitude  of  the  fleas  broke  out 
in  a  grand  Ascription  that  rent  the  heavens  with  loudness,  as 
prostrating  themselves,  they  sang  : 

"All  hail !    Oh,  Honest  Labor,  hail ! 

At  thy  dear  feet  we  fall  ; 
We  praise,  we  laud,  we  magnify, 

And  crown  thee  Lord  of  all," 


And  the  noise  of  the  Ascription  was  heard  afar  off ;  insomuch 
that  Andronicus  Carnivorous,  who,  thinking  he  scented  danger, 
had  sidled  off  and  was  by  this  time  some  miles  away,  stopped 
and  inquired  what  the  noise  might  be,  and  whether  it  signified 
the  outbreak  of  trouble.  To  which  one  made  answer  that  there 
was  a  great  Apotheosis  on,  and  all  the  fleas  were  deifying  Hon- 
est Labor,  a  well  known  but  terribly  scrawny  and  hungry  dog 
that  was  almighty  popular  with  the  fleas  on  Bamboozle  Day. 


THE  DOCS  AND  THE  ELEaS.  193 

"God  forgive  me!"  cried  Audronicus,  peuitenvly,  "that  I 
should  be  derelict  iu  duty  on  this  auspicious  occasion.  Why, 
Honest  Labor  is  my  dearest  love,  to  whom  I  owe  my  wealth, 
my  life,  my  all.  Oh,  I  would  not  be  absent  from  his  coronation 
for  all  the  world. ' '  And  he  hopped  back  as  hard  as  he  could  hop. 

And  Mak  Tinley,  seeing  him  returned,  said  unto  him  : 
"Whence  comest  thou,  Andronicus?  We  had  chosen  thee  to 
officiate  as  Grand  High  Priest,  to  place  the  crown  on  Honest 
Labor's  head,  but  thou  wert  missing  when  wanted,  and  we 
were  forced  to  give  the  job  to  brother  Ponderous  Flea,  who,  I 
must  say,  has  acquitted  himself  in  the  sacred  office  most  bril- 
liantly, and  as  well  as  the  best  Damboozler  of  us  all  could  have 
done." 

"Alack  and  alas  !  Brother  Mak  Tinley,"  replied  Andronicus, 
thou  knowest  that  I  am  a  somewhat  timid  flea  ;  and  I  thought, 
when  brother  Pharaoh  Phrique  was  speaking  that  there  was 
going  to  be  trouble  ;  so  I  sidled  off.  I  see  now  that  my  fears 
were  unfounded.  I  am  awfully  sorry  to  have  missed  this  coro- 
nation, but  I'll  try  to  be  on  hand  at  the  next  crowning  and 
taffying." 

And  when  the  multitude  of  the  dogs  saw  the  multitude  of  the 
fleas  fall  prostrate  to  Honest  Labor,  and  heard  the  shout  of  the 
great  Ascription,  they  were  astounded  and  delighted  ;  and  they 
said  to  one  another  that  surely  the  fleas  were  their  dearest 
friends  ;  that  surely  they  could  have  no  wealth  comparable  to  a 
Country  and  a  Flag,  and  that  surely  in  a  land  where  Statistics 
and  great  Averages  abounded  on  all  sides,  and  where  great 
crops  of  them  could  be  reaped  at  any  time,  and  where  Honest 
Labor  was  held  in  such  reverence  as  to  be  crowned  King,  it  was 
sinful,  it  was  positively  wicked— to  imagine  for  a  moment  that 
they  were  hungry,  that  Hunger  was  a  Delusion  and  Unpatriot- 
ism,  that  every  truly  loyal  Canisvillian  was  bound  in  duty  to 
the  Flag  to  deny  the  existence  of  and  repudiate. 

And  their  delirious  joy  did  make  them  deaf  to  the  rumblings 
of  their  empty  bellies. 


1&4  THE  DOGS  AND  THE  FLEAS. 

And  all  the  multitude  of  the  fleas  arose,  aud,  led  by  the  Bam- 
boozling Committee,  formed  aud  marched  iu  Solemn  Proces- 
sion around  and  around  King  Honest  Labor — whose  head  by 
this  time  was  grown  so  big  that  it  threatened  to  burst  its  crown. 

Oh,  they  were  a  goodly  crowd  of  infinitely  varied  hues  and 
colors,  aud  antagonistic  opinions  of  each  other,  all  blended  to- 
gether that  day  in  one  grand  harmony  of  purpose  and  feeling. 
Low  Pressurists,  Medium  Pressurists,  High  Pressurists,  Nigh- 
untos,  Faraways,.  Petty  Squabblers,  Grand  Squabblers,  Emi- 
nent Fleas,  Wealthy  Fleas,  Monstrous  Fleas,  all  were  Dog 
Worshippers  then,  and  the  most  humble  and  obedient  servants 
and  subjects  of  His  Grievously  Hungry  but  Supernal  Majesty, 
King  Honest  Labor  ;  and  as  they  marched  past  h'.m  each  swung 
a  censer  of  thickly  fuming  and  heavily  perfumed  Flattery  under 
his  royal  uose  ;  and  as  they  marched  and  swung,  they  sang  : 

"In  politics  alwaj's 

At  loggerheads  we ; 
But  we're  all  of  us  one, 

In  our  worship  of  thee, 

Honest  Labor." 

And  they  shouted  "God  save  the  King  !  "  and  all  the  dogs  to 
the  waving  of  the  pretty  cloths  and  a  crash  of  the  wind,  bang 
and  thump  instruments,  cried  "Amen."  And  they  swung  the 
censers,  and  cried  "Long  Live  the  King!"  and  all  the  dogs 
answ-ered  "Amen,"  and  they  prostrated  themselves  and  cried, 
"All  hail  the  King  ;  "  and  all  the  dogs  cried,  "All  hail  !  " 

And  right  in  the  midst  of  the  grand  insanity  the  heavens  were 
again  darkened  ;  the  weird  green  and  yellow  lights  flashed 
again  ;  the  heavenly  breeze  lifted  up  the  proud  and  noble  Flag, 
and  flapped  it  with  a  great  flapping  ;  the  fleas  prostrated  them- 
selves again,  and  the  dogs  followed  suit.  The  Bamboozling 
Committee,  with  Grover  Ponderous  Flea  and  his  satellites, 
gathered  around  the  throne  and  the  Flag  in  a  sacred  circle,  and 
the  Reverend  Salaried  Barker  Tee  de  Little  Wit  Blatherskite 
stepped  forth,  and  turning  to  the  dogs  with  outstretched  paw, 
lifted  up  a  voice  of  solemnity  and  cried: 


THE  DOGS  AND  THE  ELEAS.  195 

• 

' '  Hear  ye,  O  dogs,  O  hear  ye.  Thus  saith  Heaven  :  This  is 
the  Flag  of  the  Free,  and  this  is  the  throne  of  King  Honest 
Labor,  our  National  Pride  and  Glory,  the  only  real,  genuine, 
and  original  Flag  and  throne  ;  designed  in  Heaven  and  set  up 
in  the  only  spot  on  earth  worth  living  in — Canisville — where 
God  hath  concentrated  his  blessings  ;  the  Flag,  at  the  terror  of 
whose  shake  slavery,  ill-government,  corruption,  injustice,  ine- 
quality run  shrieking  and  terrified  to  hell  ;  under  whose  blessed 
protection,  virtue,  honesty  and  industry  always  come  to  honor 
and  wealth  ;  and  vice,  idleness  and  dishonesty  to  want,  shame 
and  everlasting  contempt  [Solemn  snickering  and  winking 
amongst  the  Bamboozling  Committee  ;  and  the  Holy  One  a 
Maker  of  long  prayers,  is  heard  to  gently  murmur,  "True,  all 
true  ;  bless  the  Lord  !  "]  a  Flag  under  which  all  fleas  are  pros- 
perous and  all  dogs  are  contented,  and  all  things  go  on  in 
divinely  appointed  order. 

"  Now  therefore,  seeing  we  have  the  grandest  Country  on 
earth,  the  grandest  Throne,  the  grandest  King,  and  the  grand- 
est Flag  floating  over  us  all,  let  us  take  these  grand  dispensa- 
tions as  Heaven's  bow  of  promise  that  God  will  evermore  bless 
us  and  keep  us.  Where  these  are,  no  evil  can  touch  us  ;  no 
hunger,  no  poverty  can  ever  come. 

"Therefore,  in  the  name  of  Heaven,  whose  secrets  I  am  on 
familiar  terms  with,  and  to  whom  particularly  God  has  revealed 
his  will,  I  say  poverty,  hunger,  want,  begone  !  and  to  fullness, 
plenty  and  content,  come  and  abide  !  Begone  panic  !  begone 
lack  of  confidence  !  begone  crisis  !  Let  there  be  a  conspiracy  of 
cheerful  sermons  and  words  and  talk.  Let  all  dogs  stop  sing- 
ing 'Windham'  and  sing  'Coronation.'  Let  them  positively  re- 
fuse to  admit  the  existence  of  hunger  amongst  them.  Conspire 
together  to  believe  yourselves  round  and  plump  and  fat  and  full. 
It  is  all  a  matter  of  confidence  and  faith  ;  for  the  Blessed  Book 
on  the  costly  cushion,  which  it  hath  been  given  to  me  alone  of 
Heaven  to  interpret,  saith  :  "All  things  are  possible  unto 
them  that  believe  !  "    Therefore  have  faith,  and  be  ye  full,  con- 


196  THE  DOGS  AND  THE  FLEAS. 

tented  and  happy  ;  aud  know  ye  that  this  is  the  grandest 
country  in  the  world,  and  this  the  grandest  moment  of  the 
grandest  hour  of  the  grandest  year  of  the  grandest  century  the 
world  ever  saw." 

Then  the  Blatherskite,  lifting  his  eyes  and  paws  to  heaven, 
invoked  upon  them  all  an  abundance  of  corn  and  wine  and  oil 
and  bones  and  meat,  aud  on  top  of  them  Heaven's  choicest 
spiritual  blessings  ;  all  the  Bamboozlers  said  "Amen,"  the  sun 
came  out  in  dazzling  splendor  ;  the  Flag  fluttered  once  more  ;  the 
pretty  cloths  were  waved  ;  the  wind,  bang  and  thump  instruments 
made  a  final  hubbub,  and  the  great  Bamboozle  came  to  an  end, 
and  the  delighted  and  happy  dogs,  with  a  final  cheer,  dispersed. 

Then  the  Bamboozlers  laughed  and  winked  to  each  other,  and 
hauled  down  the  Flag  of  the  Free  and  packed  it  away  until 
wanted  again. 

But  when  they  went  to  pull  down  the  throne,  they  noticed 
that  poor  King  Honest  Labor  was  fallen  over  to  one  side,  and 
when  they  went  to  tear  his  crown  and  robe  off,  they  lifted  him 
up,  and  with  surprise  noticed  that  he  was  stone  dead  and  cold. 

And  one  ran  and  fetched  one  of  the  curious  creatures  called 
"Emdees,"  who  looked  the  poor  dog  over,  and  gave  it  as  his 
opinion  that  deceased  had  come  by  his  decease  by  reason  of 
heart  failure,  superinduced  by  the  great  excitement  of  the  great 
Function,  to  which  his  constitution,  etcetera,  was  inadequate, 
owing  to  chronic  Vacuity  of  the  Alimentary  Canal,  which  was, 
no  doubt,  according  to  a  previous  statement  of  the  deceased,  an 
hereditary  complaint,  for  which  no  one  but  deceased's  parents 
were  to  blame  ;  aud  it  was  his  opinion  that  parents  ought  not  to 
have  such  complaints. 

And  some  of  the  Bamboozlers  said  it  was  unfortunate  that  he 
should  have  died  just  then,  as  the  pesky  thinking  dogs  might 
hear  of  it,  and  do  something  to  wreck  the  Bamboozle.  But 
others  confidently  asserted  that  all  dogs  were  fools  anyhow,  aud 
that  if  they  did  get  to  hear  that  Honest  Labor  had  died  of  star- 
vation, they  would  forget  all  about  it  by  next  Bamboozle  Day. 


CHAPTER  XXXIII. 


Shows  There's  Nothing  Like 
Patriotism  to  Humbug,  Starve 
AND  vSwiNDLE  THE  Masses  with; 
AND  Nothing  Like  Statistics 
to  Lie  with. — The  Great  Gee 
Whizz  Appears,  Seeking  Some 
One  to  Sell  its  Services  to. 
-The  Bamboozlers  Hire  It. 


T  WAS  many  days  before  the  force 
of  the  Great  Bamboozle  spent 
itself.  Though  the  scramble 
and  scratching  for  bones  was 
even  fiercer  than  ever ;  and 
though  the  infernal  grind  at 
the  Handle  of  the  Blood  Mill 
grew  daily  more  hellish,  and 
the  cruel  greed  of  the  bloated 
Monstrous  Fleas  grew  daily 
more  adamantine  and  piti- 
less ;  though  robbery,  murder,  death  by  starvation  and  suicide 
grew  daily  more  common,  the  dogs  had  been  so  thoroughly 
hypnotized  that  they  perversely  sought  everywhere  for  a  cause 
for  all  these  things  save  in  the  right  place. 

They  had  graduated  so  well  in  the  course  of  patriotism  they 
had  recently  been  put  through  that  in  their  midnight  meetings 
together,  to  bark  and  talk  over  their  distressful  condition,  they 

197 


198  THE  DOGS  AND  THE   FLEAS. 

put  up  a  fac-simile  of  the  great  Flag  of  Cauisville  aud  ordered 
that  every  meeting  be  opened  by  genuflexion  to  the  Flag  of 
Freedom  and  Prosperity,  and  closed  by  prostration  to  the  Flag 
of  Liberty  and  Plethoric  Stomach  ;  and  further  ordered  that  all 
speeches,  arguments  and  discussions  should  proceed  upon  cer- 
tain indubitable  and  undiscussible  premises  called  Sacred 
Truths.     They  were  : 

(1.)     This  is  a  Free  Country. 

(2.)     Our  Flag  is  the  Flag  of  Liberty. 

(3.)     All  Good  is  indigenous  to  Cauisville. 

(4.)     All  Evil  comes  from  Abroad. 

And  they  ordained  that  all  doubt  of  these  Sacred  Truths  was 
mortal  sin  that  could  never  be  atoned  for,  neither  in  this  world 
nor  in  that  which  is  to  come  ;  aud  that  any  dog  who  in  any 
speech,  argument  or  discussion  should  step  off  these  premises, 
and  by  assertion,  hint  or  insinuation,  or  even  careless  con- 
struction of  his  sentences,  should  convey  or  cause  to  be  con- 
veyed, the  understanding  or  impression,  in  any  degree,  however 
faint,  that  this  country  was  not  or  might  not  be  a  Free  Country; 
that  this  Flag  was  not  or  might  not  be  the  Flag  of  Liberty;  that 
all  Good  was  not  or  might  not  be  indigenous  ;  and  that  all  Evil 
did  not  or  possibly  might  not  come  from  Abroad,  should  be  iu- 
stanth'  killed  or  fearfully  mutilated.  And  they  furthermore 
proclaimed  that  they  desired  it  to  be  known  to  all  the  world 
that  the  dogs  and  fleas  of  Cauisville  and  thefr  Common  Flag 
were  so  unutterably  sacred  and  superior  to  the  rest  of  the  world 
that  any  insult  or  ridicule  to  either  would  be  regarded  as  a 
casjis  belli. 

But  in  time  the  gnawings  of  their  never  ending  hunger  began 
to  perplex  them  sorely.  How  it  was  that  God  had,  according  to 
the  words  of  his  prophets  Grandadhat,  Mak  Tinley,  Dephool 
Flea,  De  Little  Wit  Blatherskite  and  the  rest,  given  them  the 
greater  blessing  of  a  Country  and  a  Flag,  and  had  withholden 
from  them  the  lesser  one  of  Victuals,  bothered  them  very  much. 
Of  course  they  were  ready  at  a  moment's  notice,  when  called  on, 


THE  DOGS   AND   THE   FLEAS.  199 

to  die  for  their  Country  and  Flag  wheu  either  was  in  danger, 
but  why  they  were  dying  every  day  without  any  notice,  without 
being  called  on,  and  when  neither  Country  nor  Flag  was  in 
danger,  caused  them  to  scratch  their  heads.  And  as  for  that 
Average  of  one  thousand  mouthfuls  of  good  Victuals  per  dog 
that  Mak  Tinley's  Statistics  incontrovertibly  gave  them,  they 
couldn't  make  it  out  at  all ;  for  to  make  the  Average  out  they 
had  to  make  the  Victuals  in,  and  that  they  could  not  do  for  the 
life  of  them. 

This  was  how  they  would  discuss  the  question.  One  hungry 
dog  would  meet  another  on  the  street  and  thus  would  they  say  : 

First  Dog.     "Good  morning,  brother." 

Second  Dog.     "  It  is  not  a  good  moriaing." 

First  Dog.     "Whyfore,  brother?     Art  thou  not  in  health?" 

Second  Dog.     "  No  dog  in  Canisville  is  in  health.    Art  thou  ?  " 

First  Dog.     "  Verily,  no.     I'm  hungry." 

Second  Dog.  "That's  strange.  So  am  I  ;  and  yet,  the  great 
prophet  Mak  Tinley,  on  Bamboozle  Day,  showed  us  incontro- 
vertibly that  Statistics  give  every  dog  of  us  an  Average  of  one 
thousand  mouthfuls  of  Good  Victuals." 

First  Dog.  "  He  did,  and  we  all  know  that  he  is  the  most 
truthful  of  the  Only  Original  Truth  Speakers  ;  and  yet  I  speak 
the  truth,  too,  when  I  state  that  jny  Average  is  about  one  mouth- 
ful per  every  thousand  days." 

Second  Dog.  "That's  about  wj'  Average,  too.  I  have  ex- 
amined mj'self ;  I  have  felt  of  my  stomach,  and  I  cannot  find 
those  one  thousand  mouthfuls  of  mine.  Lord,  I  wish  I  could, 
I  do  indeed." 

First  Dig.  "  Well,  brother,  it  may  be  there  is  some  fault  or 
sin  in  us  that  prevents  the  Blessed  Statistics  from  giving  us  the 
blessing.  It  may  be  that  there  is  some  wicked  way  within  us  ; 
some  secret  sin  that  hinders  the  entrance  of  the  Average  into 
our  stomachs.  As  tlie  blessed  Blatherskite  saith  :  'These  things 
are  received  by  Faith,  not  by  Sight.'  " 


200  THE  DOGS  AND  THE  FLEAS. 

Second  Dog.  "That's  so,  brother  ;  it  is  certainly  not  by  Sighf 
in  our  case.     I  do  beUeve  we  have  not  Faith  enough." 

And  so  Ihey  would  part,  one  praying  to  God  to  give  him  a 
larger  Faith,  and  the  other  praying  Him  to  never  mind  the 
Faith  but  to  give  him  a  larger  Average. 

So  the  demon,  Doubt,  again  began  to  creep  abroad  in  Canis- 
ville. 

Therefore  the  Bamboozling  Committee,  carefully  noting  the 
perplexed  headshakings  and  the  other  sure  signs  of  another 
outbreak  of  the  thinking  contagion,  did  wisely  take  other  pre- 
cautions to  forestall  it. 

And  there  was  a  day  when  they  and  some  of  the  Monstrous 
Fleas  were  devising  further  bamboozlements  for  the  dogs,  and 
a  Phenomenon  came  also  among  them. 

And  the  Committee  said  unto  the  Phenomenon  :  "  Who  art 
thou,  and  whence  comest  thou?  " 

Then  answered  the  Phenomenon,  and  said  :  "  I  am  the  Great 
Many  Headed  Daily  Press  with  the  Immense  Circulation  ;  I  am 
four  hundred  square  miles  of  nastiness ;  and  I  come  fiom  going 
to  and  fro  in  the  earth,  and  from  walking  up  and  down  in  it." 

And  the  Committee  said  :  "And  what  doest  thovi  here,  Great 
Daily  Press?  " 

And  the  Great  Many  Headed  answered,  and  said  :  "I  am  the 
Great  Gee  Whizz,  having  a  Larger  Circulation  than  all  the  other 
Gee  Whizzes  combined.  I  am  the  bold,  fearless,  outspoken  and 
independent  champion  of  truth,  honesty,  uprightness  and  good 
government,  and  the  terror  of  evil  doers ;  and  I  am  going  about 
just  now  seeking  an  owner  whom  I  may  serve." 

"What  are  thy  terms?  "  asked  the  Bamboozling  Committee, 
seeing  here  a  possibly  great  aid  in  the  Cause. 

"My  terms  are  one  only,"  replied  the  Phenomenon,  "and  are 
that  my  master  shall  be  the  highest  bidder  for  my  services." 

"And  what  wilt  thou  do  for  us  if  we  hire  thee  ?  "  asked  the 
Committee. 


thk  dogs  and  the  fleas.  201 

"Absolutely  what  ye  ask  me  to  do  ;  for  he  that  hireth  me  is 
my  god  until  a  higher  bidder  appeareth,  when  I  instantly  trans- 
fer my  allegiance." 

"What  we  desire  done  now,"  said  the  Bamboozlers,  "is  the 
invention  of  handy  bamboozlements  to  fill  up  the  time  between 
one  Bamboozle  Day  and  another." 

"Good  !  "  exclaimed  the  Great  Gee  Whizz.  "  Bid  high  and 
I  am  yours,  and  ye  shall  never  regret  your  bargain." 

So  the  Bamboozling  Committee  asked  the  Monstrous  Fleas 
present  to  put  up  great  wealth  and  buy  him  for  their  service, 
which  service,  they  reminded  the  Monstrous  Fleas,  was  the 
Public  Service. 

And  the  Monstrous  Fleas  there  and  then  bid  enormously  high 
for  him,  and  bought  him  ;  and  the  Phenomenon  did  there  and 
then  contract  himself,  body  and  soul,  unto  the  Bamboozling 
Committee  and  their  backers,  the  Monstrous  Fleas,  to  execute 
their  will  in  all  things  until  a  higher  bidder  for  his  services 
should  appear. 

And  they  said  :  "  O,  thou  Great  Gee  Whizz,  wherewith  wilt 
thou  persuade  the  dogs  and  bamboozle  them,  for  they  be 
many  ?  " 

And  the  Phenomenon  said  :  "  Said  I  not  unto  you  that  I  am 
the  Great  and  Everlasting  Gee  Whizz,  and  have  a  Greater  Circu- 
lation than  all  the  other  Gee  Whizzes  combined?  Do  I  not 
employ  a  mighty  army  of  invisible  Circulators  to  go  and  be 
everywhere  amongst  the  dogs  ?  Behold  !  I  will  be  a  lying  spirit 
in  the  mouths  of  all  these  my  prophets,  and  they  shall  per- 
suade the  foolish  dogs  that  they  have  found  a  Savior  and  a 
Deliverer  in  me. 

"  I  will  be  their  Champion.  I  will  be  everywhere  about  them, 
above  and  below,  and  will  cluck-cluck  with  a  most  anxious 
solicitude  over  them,  even  as  a  hen  cluck-clucketh  over  her 
chickens,  or  as  Satan  over  them  that  are  sealed  unto  him.  I 
will  be  a  Holy  Shekinah  unto  them — a  pillar  of  dust  and  cloud 
by  day,  and  a  pillar  of  fire  by  night ;  and  they  shall  march  and 


202  THE  DOGS  AND  THE  FLEAS. 

halt  obediently  as  I  give  them  the  sign.  I  will  weep  aud  ululate 
with  them  iu  their  miseries  aud  hunger,  and  none  shall  come 
within  leagues  of  me  in  my  denunciations  of  the  cruel  and  un- 
just fleas  that  suck  their  blood.  I  will  rage  against  you  and 
enrage  them,  and  then  with  sound  of  gong  and  big  drum,  and 
a  raising  of  flags,  I  will  give  to  eat  unto  the  hungriest  of  them, 
and  they  shall  know  that  I  am  the  Great  Many  Headed  Gee 
Whizz  aud  Champion  of  the  poor  and  the  oppressed.  Thus 
shall  I  be  a  god  unto  them,  going  before  them,  and  they  shall 
swear  by  me,  and  meekly  follow  whithersoever  I  go  ;  and  I  ivill 
go  your  way  every  time. 

"  I  will  daily  and  eveningly  point  out  to  them  that  their  woes 
are  due  not  to  fleas,  but  only  to  bad  fleas  ;  and  every  morning 
and  evening  I  will  announce  that  I,  the  Great  Gee  Whizz,  having 
a  Greater  Circulation  than  all  the  other  Gee  Whizzes  combined, 
have  a  brand-new  great  scheme  on  hand,  that  shall  infallibly 
deliver  them  from  all  their  woes  ;  and  every  day  I  will  astound 
them  with  a  great  new  disclosure  of  some  gigantic  and  over- 
shadowing wickedness  of  the  bad  fleas,  which  I  alone,  the  great 
Gee  Whizz,  have  exclusively  discovered  ;  and  I  will  keep  them 
forever  believing  that  they  are  just  on  the  very  point  of  having 
all  their  wrongs  righted,  and  that  by  my  engineering  and  the 
might  of  iny  power,  a  great  avalanche  of  Good  Victuals  is 
about  to  fall  upon  them.  Thus  will  I  be  their  Champion  and 
serve  you. 

"All  the  news  of  the  day  that  is  of  no  importance,  and  is  not 
thought-provoking,  I  will  give  to  them,  clothed  in  the  garb  of 
Strict  Truth  ;  but  all  and  any  news  that  it  may  not  be  expedient 
unto  you  to  give  them,  I  will  suppress  or  so  garble  it  that  its 
power  to  injure  you  shall  be  nullified  ;  for  you  and  I  will  own 
and  guard  all  the  avenues  of  information,  and  we  will  make 
them  all  converge  to  and  pass  through  a  sifter  and  a  filter  that  I 
will  devise,  so  that  these  fool  dogs  shall  get  nothing  but  nice, 
pure,  wholesome,  well-selected  stuff. 


THE  DOGS   AND  THE   FLEAS. 


203 


"Morover,  my  Batuboozle  shall  every  day  give  them  whole- 
some amusement.  From  the  tropically  fertile  dunghills  of  my 
Circulators'  prostituted  brains,  I  will  gather  and  scatter  amongst 
them  every  morning  and  evening,  whole  bouquets  of  the  rank 
est  literary  toadstools,  skunk  cabbage  and  stinkweeds,  which 
they  will  take,  on  the  strength  of  their  faith  in  me  as  the  Great 
Gee  Whizz,  for  the  choicest  of  flowers.  Thus  will  I  pervert  their 
noses  and  they  shall  utterly  lose  all  discernment.  Oh,  I  will 
pour  trashy,  sickly,  foolish,  unclean  and  horrific  blood-and- 
thunder  stories  into  their  disordered  brains  until  sober  truth 
shall  be  insipid  unto  them,  and  they  shall  come  to  hate  every- 
thing but  that  which  raises  their  hair  with  horror  and  gives 
them  the  shivers  and  creeps  and  blood  curdles.  Thus  will  I 
soften  their  brains  and  imbecilitate  their  minds,  so  that  they 
shall  be  as  putty  to  your  moulding." 

"Enough,  enough,"  cried  Mountebank  Dephool  Flea. 
"  Thou  art  my  sort  to  a  dot.  If  thou  canst  do  only  half  what 
thou  proposest,  thou  wilt  be  worth  to  us  thy  weight  in  gold." 
"Aye,  aye,"  cried  all  the  rest  of  the  Bamboozling  Committee, 
and  the  Monstrous  Fleas,  in  chorus,  "thou  art  indeed  a  Flea 
Savior,  sent  of  God  in  the  nick  of  time  to  deliver  us  ;  perform 
but  a  tenth  of  these  thy  promises  to  us,  and  we  will  make  thee 
as  fat  and  wealthy  as  the  most  monstrous  of  us." 

"  Aha  !  "  laughed  the  Phenomenon,  "ye  know  not  the  great- 
ness and  extent  of  my  power.  Ye  have  devised  bamboozlements, 
which  in  the  simplicity  of  your  hearts,  ye  think  are  very  fine  ; 
but  they  are  transient  and  evanescent,  and  of  themselves  will 
surely  fail ;  for  they  lack  the  essential  conditions  of  successful 
bamboozlement,  namely,  semi-daily  continuance.  Bamboozle- 
ments, to  be  enduring,  must  be  applied  daily  ;  and  therein  do  I 
prove  my  inestimable  value  to  you,  for  I  am  the  Great  Many 
Headed  Semi-Daily  Press,  the  Everlasting  Three-Hundred-and- 
Sixty-five-Days-a-Year  Gee  Whizz,  and  the  Immense  Circulator. 
"  But  I  will  do  more  than  the  things  I  have  already  prom- 
ised.    I  will  amuse  them  with  foolish  nonsense.     I  will  every 


301  THE  DOGS  AND  THE  FLEAS. 

day  give  them  something  to  guess.  I  will  offer  a  basketful  of 
rich  grub  to  the  dog  that  cometh  nearest  to  solving  a  problem  ; 
like  this,  for  instance  :  A  dog,  originally  fifty  pounds  weight, 
that  has  had  but  one  mouthful  of  meat  per  day  for  six  months, 
and  nothing  at  all  for  the  last  three  days,  is  chucked  into  the 
hopper  with  an  initial  velocity  often  feet  per  second,  and  at  an 
angle  of  forty-five  degrees  ;  how  many  somersaults  will  he 
describe  before  he  is  lost  to  sight,  how  much  will  he  weigh,  and 
how  many  hairs  will  there  be  on  his  body  ?  Or  I  will  offer  to 
give  a  prize  unto  the  lady  flea,  that  in  the  opinion  of  the  dogs, 
is  the  most  beautiful  and  popular.  Or  I  will  get  up  a  standing- 
on-one-leg-the-longest  contest,  with  a  nice  meaty  bone  to 
reward  the  victor.  Or  I  will  offer  a  reward  to  the  dog  that 
shall  come  nearest  to  guessing  which  of  all  my  contemporary 
Gee  Whizzes  is  the  biggest  liar.  All  these  diversions  will 
keep  them  ever  on  the  qui  vive,  to  get  prizes  ;  and  when  every 
hungrj'  dog  sees  there  is  a  chance  for  a  good  big  bone  for  a 
mere  guess,  he  will  never  have  time  or  incliuation  to  think  on 
the  General  Misery  Question. 

"But  finally,  I  will  teach  them  that  their  great  and  solemn 
duty  is  to  be  law  abiding  and  that  violence  is  wrong.  Ye  shall 
make  all  the  laws  ;  and  I  will  teach  them  to  be  law  abiding.  Ye 
shall  enact  that  all  dogs  are  to  be  bitten  and  bled  at  the  will 
and  pleasure  of  the  fleas,  and  I  will  teach  them  that  to  be  law 
af^/V/Zw^  is  the  highest  duty  of  dogs;  }-e  shall  enact  that  no  dog 
has  rights  which  any  flea  is  bound  to  respect ;  and  I  will  teach 
the  dogs  that  only  by  obeying  the  law  can  they  obtain  their 
rights.  Ye  may  trample  all  laws  in  the  mire,  for  ye  have  the 
police  dogs  to  enforce  your  right  of  trampling ;  and  I  will  teach 
them  that  no  dog  can  hope  to  retain  the  love  of  God  and  the 
sympathy  of  the  Great  Public,  if  he  goes  to  trampling  on  the 
law.  Ye  shall  enact  that  it  is  illegal  for  dogs  to  eat,  and  I  will 
teach  them  to  be /rt?f  «(?>/(://« <f.  Ye  shall  enact  that  hunger  in 
dogs  is  illegal,  that  an}'  dog  who  shall  either  legally  or  illegally 
ask  for  or  try  to  obtain  food  or  drink,  or  any  other  of  his  uat- 


THK  DOGS  AND  THE  FLEAS. 


205 


ural  rights,  shall  be  deemed  guilty  of  a  crime  ;  and  I  will  teach 
them  that  it  is  the  first  duty  of  dogs  to  be  law  abiding,  as  were 
the  Fathers  and  Prophets  of  our  country  ;  and  to  obey  the  law, 
as  all  fleas  and  good  citizens  do. 

"  Thus  will  I  keep  all  these  dogs  befooled,  and  fuddled  and 
muddled,  so  that  nothing  short  of  the  direst  and  most  unfor- 
seen  accident  will  enable  them  to  see  the  joke. 

"And  if  any  dog,  by  reason  of  these  hard  lines,  shall  growl 
and  make  a  fuss,  and  go  to  illegally  taking  any  of  his  natural 
rights,  or  in  any  other  way  make  himself  obnoxious  to  you, 
and  ye  grow  weary  and  want  him  killed,  all  ye  need  do  is  to 
express  your  desire  and  it  shall  be  done.  I  will  promptly  set 
my  innumerable  Circulators  to  prophesy  falsely  against  him, 
to  sneer  him  down,  to  ridicule  him  down,  to  write  him  down, 
and  make  Public  Opinion  ripe  for  the  police  dogs  to  grab  him, 
and  throttle  him  and  extinguish  him  ;  for  I,  the  Great  I  Am,  am 
an  Accuser,  Judge  and  Jury,  at  your  service." 

And  all  the  Committee  and  all  the  Monstrous  Fleas  rejoiced 
and  were  glad,  and  said  unto  the  Phenomenon  :  "Go  forth 
and  do  as  thou  hast  said  ;  be  a  lying  and  bamboozling  spirit 
unto  all  these  dogs  and  Heaven  bless  thee." 


CHAPTER  XXXIV. 

The  Great  Daily  Press  Fulfills  All  its  Promises  — 
Universal  Idiocy. — More  Liberty  and  a  Bigger  Flag. 
— Liberty   Takes    the    Form   of   a    Statue.  —  Police 

Exemplification  of   Liberty. — A  New 

Song. 


j  O  the  Many  Headed  went  forth  and  was  a  lying 
spirit,  morning  and  evening,  in  the  mouths  of  all 
its  prophets.  And  it  wrought  well  the  will  of  the 
Bamboozlers  and  the  Monstrous  Fleas,  in  deceiving 
and  fooling  the  dogs  ;  for  under  its  subtle  ministra- 
tions as  an  Angel  of  Light,  the  dogs  rapidly  grew 
limp  and  idiotic  in  body  and  mind,  and  lost  all 
power  of  discernment  between  right  and  wrong,  and  good  and 
evil,  and  all  taste  for  everything  but  idiotic  pastimes,  and  silly, 
trashy  and  horrible  stories,  which  it  daily  poured  into  their 
ears.  Yea,  so  thoroughly  were  their  minds  debauched,  ener- 
vated and  enfeebled  that  when  the  few — the  very  few — surviv- 
ing dogs  of  thought  and  sense,  came  unto  them  and  begged 
them  to  give  a  thought  or  two  now  and  then  to  their  poor, 
miserable  and  lost  condition,  and  the  way  to  remedy  it,  the 
dogs  said  such  talk  was  a  great  weariness,  and  forthwith  rolled 
over  and  went  to  sleep. 

And  it  was  so  that  the  Great  Gee  Whizz  went  up  rapidly  in 
the  favor  of  the  Monstrous  Fleas,  who,  in  gratitude  to  it  as  their 
Savior,  gave  it  large  quantities  of  blood  to  drink,  so  that  it 
grew  as  big  and  bloated  as  any  one  of  the  most  monstrous  of 
them,  and  was  given  the  place  of  honor  in  their  assemblies 

206 


THE  DOGS   AND  THE   FLEAS.  207 

when  they  and  the  Bamboozlers  held  special  praise  meetings  to 
laugh  and  wink  at  each  other. 

And  the  Bamboozlers  instructed  the  Great  Gee  Whizz  to  keep 
up  the  novelty  of  its  dog  befoolments,  and  be  sure  and  never 
present  the  same  trick  twice  over. 

And  the  Great  Gee  Whizz  was  grieved  because  the  Bam- 
boozlers seemed  to  think  it  needed  any  suggestion  to  this  end  ; 
and  it  suggested  back  to  the  Bamboozlers,  that  in  fertility  of 
resources  in  bamboozlements,  it  could  give  points  to  them. 
Therefore,  the  Bamboozlers  did  shut  up,  and  did  no  more  oflFer 
suggestions  to  the  Great  Gee  Whizz,  the  Prince  of  Prestidigi- 
tateurs.  Equilibrists  and  Acrobats. 

For  there  was  one  trick  it  did  present  every  day  ;  a  trick 
which  in  its  mature  judgment  was  all  the  more  utterly  bam- 
boozling and  confounding  to  the  dogs,  by  its  eternal  sameness 
of  repetition.     It  was  this  : 

Every  morning  the  Many  Headed  appeared  on  high,  in  full 
sight  of  the  dogs  and  held  a  Solemn  High  Punch  and  Judy 
Show.  Concealing  its  body  from  sight  behind  a  draping  which 
was  figured  with  the  Flag  of  the  Free,  it  caused  a  few  of  the 
Bamboozlers,  whom  it  had  previously  instructed,  to  pull  certain 
strings  attached  to  the  necks  of  its  various  heads,  when  all  the 
said  heads  went  to  hissing  and  spitting  at  and  punching  each 
other,  and  calling  each  other  the  vilest  names.  Each  and  every 
head  called  each  and  every  other  a  liar,  a  coward,  and  a  traitor 
to  the  ever-blessed  and  beloved  dogs,  and  a  paid  tool  and  toady 
of  the  bad  fleas.  Each  one  yelled  that  it  alone  was  the  Only 
Original  Truth  Speaker,  and  had  an  Immensely  Greater  Circu- 
lation than  all  the  others  combined. 

Oh,  it  was  a  goodly  show,  and  fooled  the  dogs  mightily,  and 
divided  them  up  into  sects  and  parties,  and  kept  them  eternally 
busy  cursing  each  other,  and  swearing,  each,  by  the  particular 
head  which  each  decided  was  the  Genuine  Friend  and  Champion 
of  the  dogs.  And  not  one  of  the  poor  fools  could  see  that  all  of 
the  heads  belonged  to  the  same  body. 


208 


f HE  DOGS  AND  THE  ElEAS.  209 

So  what  with  their  much  work  and  little  food,  and  the  daily 
bamboozlements  of  the  Many  Headed,  and  the  brain-softening 
exercises  of  the  Special  Bamboozle  Days,  the  dogs  became  a 
gaunt  mob  of  skinny,  drivelling  idiots,  of  flea-covered  bodies 
and  eclipsed  minds.  So  that  when  the  noise  of  the  bang  and 
thump  instruments,  and  the  marching  dogs,  and  the  waving  of 
the  pretty  cloths  called  them  to  the  next  Bamboozle  day,  they 
came  with  tottering  steps,  and  lolling  tongues,  and  wheezing 
breath,  and  protruding  eyes.  They  did  not  run — they  could 
not.  They  came  from  a  sense  of  c^ity  to  the  Flag  of  the  Free, 
which  the  Bamboozlers  had  made  of  immense  size  ;  for  they 
said  a  great  and  growing  country  could  only  be  fittingly  typified 
by  a  great  and  growing  Flag,  and  as  Freedom  and  Prosperity 
had  increased  under  the  fostering  care  of  Heaven,  until  they 
had  filled  the  whole  earth  about  Cauisville,  it  was  meet  and 
merely  grateful  to  God  that  the  Flag  fill  the  whole  heavens  too. 
It  was  verily  a  heavens  filling  Flag,  and  it  was  raised  on  the  tall- 
est and  stoutest  pole  that  could  be  procured  from  all  the  country 
roundabout ;  for  to-day  was  to  be  one  of  the  maddest  and  glad- 
dest days  of  all  the  mad  and  glad  days. 

For  L/ibert}'  in  Canisville  had  grown  so  large  and  universal, 
and  the  fame  thereof  had  so  gone  over  the  pond,  that  a  lot  of 
Monstrous  Fleas  over  there,  had  got  a  lot  of  idiotic  dogs  there 
to  make  them  a  great,  hollow,  copper  idol  of  the  form  of  a  gro- 
tesque looking  female  of  human  kind,  which  the  said  Mon- 
strous Fleas  said  was  a  Statue  of  Liberty,  which  they,  in  the 
name  (they  said),  and  with  the  compliments,  of  the  free  and 
hungry  dogs  of  that  land,  had  sent  over  to  the  Monstrous  Fleas 
of  Canisville,  to  be  received  in  the  name  of  the  free  and  hungry 
dogs  of  Canisville,  and  set  up  at  the  gates  of  Canisville,  as  a 
great  visible  sign  that  there  was  one  great  Free  Country  in  the 
world  unto  which  the  oppressed,  hungry  and  flea-bitten  dogs  of 
all  nations  might  run  and  be  saved. 

And  it  was  a  glorious  time.  The  Greatest  Gee  Whizz  of  All 
bad,  with  a  great  cyclone  of  noise  and  wind,  got  thousands  of 


2l6  The  dogs  and  the  fleas. 

poor,  hungry,  fool  dogs  to  pinch  their  bellies  to  raise  wealth 
enough  to  buj-  a  pedestal  to  put  the  great  hollow  copper 
idol  on. 

The  wind  and  thump  instruments  made  a  mighty  noise  ;  the 
pretty  cloths  fluttered  gaily ;  and  the  poor  dogs,  thrilled  into 
enthusiasm  by  the  sights  and  sounds,  wagged  their  tails  and 
cheered  as  much  as  their  shortness  of  wind  and  contracted 
stomachs  allowed.  Then,  at  the  sound  of  trumpet  and  booming 
of  guns,  the  copper  idol  was  borne  along  in  a  grand  procession 
of  fat,  eminent,  wealthy  and,^onstrous  Fleas,  and  guarded  by  a 
large  body  of  police  dogs. 

Now,  the  police  dogs,  it  was  noticed,  had  grown  quite  corpu- 
lent and  greasy  and  consequential  since  the  first  Bamboozle 
Day,  and  presented  quite  a  contrast  to  the  rest  of  the  dogs,  for 
the  fleas  had  found  out  that  eternal  good  feeding  is  the  price  of 
police  loyalty.  True,  they  were  only  dogs,  and  were  veritable 
slaves  in  the  presence  of  Pup  McPoodle,  and  the  wealthy  and 
Monstrous  Fleas,  who  told  them  to  distinctly  understand  that 
they  were  Public  Servants,  their  servants,  and  not  the  servants 
of  the  dogs  at  all,  as  the  Public  meant  fleas  only,  and  they  were 
not  to  give  them  any  of  their  bark,  on  pain  of  being  relegated 
to  the  ranks  of  the  dogs  that  had  to  scratch  for  a  living  ;  but  as 
they  were  rotund  of  belly,  and  sleek  and  large,  and  in  all  other 
respects  quite  diff'erent  from  the  common  mob  of  dogs,  they 
regarded  themselves  as  of  a  diff'erent  caste,  and  their  sleekness, 
rotundit}',  and  well-to-do-ism  as  superior-holiness  marks  differ- 
entiating them  from  the  other  dogs  ;  and  although  Ihey  knew 
that  the  victuals  which  fed  them  were  all  forcibly  taken  from 
the  meagre  supplies  which  the  other  dogs  scratched  up,  they 
ignored  the  fact,  and  held  their  noses  up  as  high  and  conse- 
quentially as  ever  they  could,  and  mortalh-  hated  any  other  dog 
to  touch  them. 

And  the  Jubilation  was  great ;  the  great  Flag  of  Liberty  was 
floating  its  proudest ;  songs  to  Liberty  were  floating  to  Heaven  ; 
her  Statue  was  being  led  gloriously  along,  rearing  aloft  her  head 


215  tan  DOGS  and  the  i'i.eas. 

to  Heaven  iu  magnificent  symbolism  of  the  majesty  and  freedom 
of  the  nation  of  dogs,  over  whom  she  was  now  erected  to  be 
Goddess,  -when  a  slight  accidental  crowding  amongst  the  dogs, 
caused  some  of  the  dirty  and  ill-smelling  ones  to  be  crowded  so 
close  to  the  police  dogs  as  actually  to  touch  them. 

Now,  here  was  a  dreadful  occurrence.  According  to  the  holy 
religion  of  the  police  dogs,  to  be  even  looked  at  by  an  ordinary 
w'orking,  grub-hunting  dog,  is  defilement  that  requires  forty 
days  of  sequestration  and  purification,  with  much  fasting  and 
prayer  ;  but  to  be  touched  by  one — actually  touched — involves 
the  total  and  irreparable  loss  of  Paradise  bej'ond  the  grave. 

Oh,  here  then,  was  a  wholesale  touching  of  these  sacred  ani- 
mals, by  an  unsanctified  and  unw-ashen  mob  of  beastly  and 
measly  working  dogs  of  the  lowest  caste.  Horror !  Peste  ! 
Blood  !!  Thunder,  Lightning  and  Death  !!!  For  one  paralyzing 
instant  they  stood  petrified  with  horror  and  terror  ;  and  then 
the  full  realization  that  they  had  by  this  horrible  defilement 
suddenly  forfeited  all  hope  of  Heaven  and  eternal  bliss,  rushed 
over  their  brains,  and,  like  demons,  they  fell  on  those  dirty 
dogs,  and  began  to  club  the  life  out  of  them.  The  unfortunates, 
shrieking  and  howling,  fled  with  all  the  speed  their  diminished 
breath  and  vitality  were  capable  of,  with  the  police  dogs  in  hot 
pursuit,  laying  about  them  right  and  left  in  self  defence. 

Having  thus,  in  some  slight  degree,  purged  away  their  defile- 
ment, and  left  on  the  scalps  of  those  dirty  dogs,  many  bloody 
gashes,  as  souvenirs  of  Glorious  Liberty,  the  police  dogs,  pant- 
ing from  their  victory,  returned  to  their  places  ;  and  the  songs, 
the  procession  and  the  worship  of  Liberty  were  resumed  ;  the 
Goddess  was  stood  up  on  her  pedestal ;  the  Bamboozlers  ranted 
and  raved  about  Freedom  their  rantingest  and  ravingest,  the 
Great  Many  Headed  Daily  Press  flitted  hither  and  thither  and 
everywhere,  boosting  up  the  hungry  dogs  to  the  proper  pitch 
of  Patriotic  Pride  ;  the  Heavens  opened,  and  Freedom  as  an 
Eagle,  with  specially  wiped  bill  and  claws,  came  down  and 
perched  on  the   Goddess'   uplifted  arm  ;   the  assembled  fltas 


THE  DOGS  AND  THE  FLEAS.  213 

gave  a  great  shout,  and,  led  by  Tee  de  Little  Wit  Blatherskite, 
Dephool  Flea,  Grandadhat,  and  the  rest  of  the  Bamboozlers, 
gathered  around  the  Flag,  and  sang  : 

"Now  pray  we  for  our  Country, 

That  Cauisville  long  may  be 
The  Holy  and  the  Happy, 

And  the  gloriously  Free. 
Who  blesseth  Her  is  blessed  ; 

So  peace  be  in  her  walls, 
And  joy  in  all  her  palaces. 

Her  kennels,  hovels  and  halls. 

"Now  pray  we  that  the  Bamboozlers, 
*  Our  rulers  long  maj'  be, 

And  Canisville,  dear  old  Canisville, 

Still  be  famed  for  Liberty. 
In  Freedom  and  Religion, 

May  she  be  foremost  seen, 
And  the  Goddess  at  our  Country's  gates 
For  aye  and  ever  be  our  queen." 


CHAPTER  XXXV. 

LiBfiRTY,  Lots  of  It. — But  Victuals  are  Unfortunately 
IN  Inverse  Proportion. — Mutual  Congratulation  of 
THE  Fleas  on  the  Very  Satisfactory  State  of  Things. 
A  Point  Overlooked  ;  Which  Proves  that  the  Best 
Laid  Schemes  of  Mice  and  Fleas  Gang  Aft  Aglee. — 
Illegal  Hunger. — Almighty  Tommy. 


I  HE  Liberty  Goddess  conse- 
crating was  a  perfect  suc- 
cess ;  the  dogs  were  de- 
lighted and  happy,  and 
as  they  staggered  back, 
hungry  and  weary,  to  the 
holes  and  hiding  places 
they  called  their  homes, 
a  sweet  peace  and  content 
was  upon  them.  Why 
they  were  content  and 
peaceful  they  did  not 
know  and  could  not  tell ; 
but  in  a  dazed  and  hypnotic  way,  they  felt  that  though  the  fleas 
upon  them  and  round  about  them  were  eating  them  up ; 
though  their  poor  bones  were  protruding  through  their  skins, 
and  disease,  and  anaemia  were  becoming  universal,  they  had  an 
intangible  property  they  called  a  Free  Country,  a  Glorious 
Flag,  and  a  wonderful  Statue  that  in  some  mysterious  way 
made  them  a  Great  Nation. 

214 


— -_^     -ir^' 


The  dogs  and  the  fleas.  215 

And  the  Bamboozling  Committee  were  delighted  even  unto 
delirium,  and  they  reported  unto  the  Board  of  Public  Safety 
that  God  had  prospered  their  efforts  beyond  their  most  san- 
guine expectations,  and  that  the  dogs  were,  with  perhaps  a  few 
exceptions — whom  they  hoped  the  police  would  diligently 
make  note  of,  with  a  view  to  their  early,  total  and  complete  ex- 
tirpation and  extinction— now  reduced  to  a  very  satisfactory 
state  of  drivelling  idiocy,  and  law  abiding  patriotism,  and  that 
they  could  be  led  by  the  nose  whithersoever  the  Board  might 
desire  ;  that  the  latest  acquisition  to  their  Committee — the  Great 
Many  Headed  Daily  Press,  could  not  be  too  highly  spoken  of 
for  its  wonderful  efficiency  ;  in  fact  it  had— though  the  latest — 
proved  itself  the  greatest  acquisition  to  their  bamboozling 
forces  ;  that  in  fact  it  was  more  than  a  whole  Bamboozling 
Committee  in  itself,  and  could  devise  more  and  slicker  dog 
bamboozlements  in  five  minutes  than  the  whole  Committee 
could  in  five  months  ;  that  its  terms  were  very  simple,  being 
only  that  they  it  served  should  be  the  highest  bidders,  which  of 
course  meant  that  the  dogs  could  never  be  "in  it"  at  bidding 
with  the  fleas,  and  therefore  it  would  be  at  the  bidding 
of  the  fleas  forever  and  forever.  Amen.  And  finally 
they  wished  to  accord  the  Crown  and  the  Palm  to  the  Great 
Many  Headed  Daily  Press. 

And  the  Board  reported  to  the  Government  and  the  Mons- 
trous Fleas  that  the  Country  was  saved,  bless  the  Lord  ;  that 
the  Period  of  Trouble  was  all  safely  past,  thank  God  ;  that  all 
dangerous  combinations  of  White  Labellers  were  broken  up 
beyond  all  hope  of  future  revival,  Heaven  be  praised  ;  that  all 
contagious  thinking  and  speaking  dogs  were  known  to  the 
police  and  were  marked  for  slaughter,  with  God's  help  ;  that 
the  right  relationship  between  the  dogs  and  the  fleas  had  been 
properly  defined  and  established,  and  that  under  Providence 
all  danger  of  the  natural,  God-ordained  right  of  fleas  to  live  on 
dogs  being  again  brought  into  question  was  passed  awav, 
praise  God ;  and  that  peace,  patriotism,  good  order,  submission 


216  THE  DOGS  AND  THE  FLEAS. 

to  authority,  and  ever-growing  blood  dividends,  were  now 
established  on  a  firm  and  ever  enduring  basis,  Hallelujah. 

All  which  was  quite  true.  But  there  was  one  thing  that 
neither  the  Great  Many  Headed  Daily  Press  nor  the  Bamboozl- 
ing Committee,  nor  the  Government,  nor  the  Monstrous  Fleas 
could  devise  ;  that  no  power  on  earth  ever  was  able  to  devise ; 
that  no  power  on  earth  ever  will  be  able  to  devise  ;  and  that  is, 
how  dogs  can  be  starved  forever  and  yet  be  made  to  yield  the 
same  amount  of  blood  to  the  sucking  of  fleas.  No  power  ever  did 
it,  but  every  power  believes  it  can  be  done,  and  that  it  can  do  it. 
Therefore  the  Canisville  fleas  imagined  they  had  made  all  ar- 
rangements to  do  it,  and  so  settled  themselves  down  in  com- 
fort and  peace  to  the  everlasting  bliss  of  drinking  themselves 
eternally  fuller  and  tighter  ;  every  little  flea  seeing  good  pros- 
pects of  becoming  a  big  flea,  and  every  big  flea  looking  hope- 
fully forward  to  becoming  a  Monstrous  Flea,  and  every  Mon- 
strous Flea  looking  savagely  gleefully  forward  to  the  glorious 
time  when  his  paunch  should  measure  miles  and  miles  around, 
and  he  should  be  simply  an  immense  reservoir  of  blood,  blood, 
BLOOD,  BLOOD. 

But  alas  !  The  greed  of  the  fleas  in  cornering  the  food  of  the 
dogs  to  reduce  them  to  servilit}',  along  with  their  increased 
avidity  for  their  blood,  overreached  itself,  and  dogs  everywhere 
began  to  die  ;  and  as  the  dearth  increased,  the  surviving  ones 
went  insane  and  more  savageU-  than  ever  fought  and  killed 
one  another  for  the  odd  scraps  that  were  now  to  be  found.  And 
the  dying  off"  of  so  many  dogs  threw  vast  multitudes  of  fleas  out 
of  dog,  and  they  began  to  starve  too  ;  and  when  they  began  to 
starve  they  went,  for  want  of  dog,  to  fighting  and  devouring 
one  another  ;  all  which  mightily  pleased  the  Monstrous  Fleas, 
which  did  own  the  Blood  and  Bones  Grinderj-  and  the  Govern- 
ment, .'J.nd  pretty  nearly  everything  else  by  this  time  ;  and 
they  chuckled  and  said,  "Now  shall  the  pesky  little  and  mid- 
dle sized  fleas  be  starved  out,  and  there  will  be  all  the  more 
blood  for  us,  and  we  shall  possess  the  earth  and  dwell  alone  in 


THE   DOGS   AND   THE   FLEAS.  217 

it,  and  grow  aud  grow  aud  grow  until  none  shall  be  so  big  as 
we,  for  we  are  surely  the  children  of  Heaven,  and  the  favorites 
of  the  Most  High  ;  yes  we  are." 

And  the  famine  increased  in  Canisville,  and  the  dogs  were 
sore  distressed  and  cried  aloud  to  Heaven  for  help.  But  the 
heavens  were  as  brass  and  heard  not ;  so,  turning  from  that 
quarter,  they  turned  to  the  Government  and  to  the  fleas,  and 
got  together  great  multitudes  of  the  most  hungry  of  their  num- 
ber and  made  unto  themselves  a  large  Flag  of  the  Free,  and 
several  Flags  of  the  Hungry,  and  marched  in  procession,  bear- 
ing these  on  high,  and  also  large  legends  such  as  "We  want 
bread,"  "We  want  work,"  "We  are  hungry,"  "Merciful  fleas, 
do  something  for  us,"  "We  are  bloodless;  oh  fleas,  give  us 
blood." 

And  the  noise  of  their  marching  was  disturbing  to  the  peace 
and  repose  of  the  Monstrous  Fleas,  and  they  ordered  Pup 
McPoodle  to  order  the  police  dogs  to  order  it  stopped  ;  and 
the  chief  of  the  police  dogs,  being  very  fat  and  sleek  and 
plethoric  of  blood  himself,  aud  being  utterly  unable  to  under- 
stand what  hunger  meant,  spake  austerely  unto  them,  and  said: 
"By  the  almighty  power  in  me  vested,  as  Public  Functionary 
of  the  Great  Public  (the  fleas),  this  thing  has  got  to  stop  right 
here.  What  the  Satan  you've  got  to  march  for,  1  ken  not. 
What  the  Satan  you  mean  by  being  hungry,  I  cannot  for  the 
life  of  me  comprehend.  I  don't  know  what  the  word  'Hunger' 
means,  but  I  believe  it's  an  illegal  word  and  contrary  to  the 
Constitution.  [Voice  in  the  crowd,  "It  is  contrary  to  our  con- 
stitutions, too."]  I  have  been  told  that  it  means  Anarchy, 
which  I  don't  quite  comprehend,  but  which,  I  know,  is  illegal  ; 
consequently  disperse,  get  out,  vamose,  and  go  away,  aud 
don't  ever  let  me  hear  of  this  illegal  business  of  getting  hungry 
again,  or  by  my  holy  williamstick  I  will  make  things  red  hot 
for  you.     I,  the  Almighty  Tommy,  have  spoken." 

So  the  poor  skinny  dogs,  withered  by  the  red  hot  glance  of 
the   Almighty   Tommy's   eye,   and   scorched  by    his    burning 


THE   DOGS   AND   THE    FLEAS.  219 

words,  and  moreover  having  been  thus  so  plainly  caug"iit,7?cZ- 
granle  delicto,  in  the  illegal  state  of  being  hungry  and  express- 
ing the  fact  in  words,  did  haul  down  their  legends  and  their 
Flags  of  the  Hungry,  and  lifting  up  the  Flag  of  the  Free  as 
high  as  possible,  in  token  of  enhanced  reverence  for  the  Law 
and  the  Constitution,  marched  back  and  dispersed  to  their  sev- 
eral holes  and  dens,  where  hundreds  of  them  meekly  lay  down 
and  legally  and  constitutionally  died  of  starvation,  but  where 
they  were  not  discovered  until  their  poor  festering  corpses  had 
raised  an  illegal  and  unconstitutional  stench. 


CHAPTER  XXXVI. 


Ding  Dong  Liberty  Beix. — Lib- 
erty BeIvLS  Cheaper  than  Lib- 
erty. 


JA^  IGHT  in  the  midst  of  all  this  uni- 
versal starvation  aud  death,  when 
every  scrap  of  liberty  had  been 
taken  from  the  dogs,  and  not 
one  dare  open  his  mouth  to  say  his  soul  or  body  was  his  own, 
the  Board  of  Public  Safety  suggested  to  the  Bamboozling  Com- 
mittee that  now  would  be  the  most  appropriate  time,  in  the 
eternal  fitness  of  things,  to  get  up  an  extra  special  bamboozle- 
ment  that  should  forever  fix  aud  clinch  in  the  miuds  of  the 
dogs  the  idiotic  delusion  that  they  were  free. 

So  the  ever-ready  Bamboozling  Committee  ran  together  and 
summoned  to  their  sitting  all  the  glib-tongued  fat  fleas  and  sal- 
aried barkers  they  could  find  ;  and  President  Chancy  Mounte- 
bank Dephool  Flea  arose  and  said,  "Dear  Friends  :  The  state 
of  our  town  and  country  is  very  satisfactory  just  now.  Never 
in  its  whole  history  was  there  such  a  beautiful  blending  and 
harmony  of  the  interests  of  dogs  aud  fleas  as  now.     Our  uj^per 

220 


THE   DOGS   AND   THE   FLEAS.  221 

class  fleas  are  doing  marvellously  well.  Thauks  to  God,  divi- 
dends are  large  and  frequent,  owing  to  the  fact  that  very  many 
of  the  middle-class  fleas,  who  alienated  altogether  too  much 
blood  that  rightfully  belonged  to  us,  have  died  off.  The  dogs 
everywhere  have  been  reduced  to  know  their  place,  thanks  to 
the  efforts  of  our  brethren.  Carnivorous  and  Phrique —  to  whom 
our  all-wise  God  gave  the  strength  of  his  arm  in  the  hour  of 
their  sore  need — and  of  our  friends.  Rosy  Pretty  Flower, 
Pennzy  Pattyson,  Webbfoot,  Gold  Jay,  and  our  faithful,  paunch- 
bellied  police  dogs.  And  the  efforts  of  these  our  brethren, 
have  been  most  ably  seconded  by  the  preachments  and  'Thus- 
saith-the-Lords'  of  our  dearly  beloved  brother  Tee  de  Little  Wit 
Blatherskite  and  his  fellow  fat-salaried  barkers,  and,  above  all, 
by  the  subtle  finesse  of  our  most  dearly  beloved  faithful  servant 
the  Great  Many  Headed  Daily  Press.  Yes,  brethren,  we  are 
indeed  highly  favored  of  God  in  having  three  such  invaluable 
aids  to  the  subjugation  of  the  dogs  as  the  police,  the  Church 
and  the  Great  Daily  Press — ®ne  to  persuade  them  physically, 
and  the  others  to  blind  them  with  spiritual  dust,  blandishments, 
seductions  and  lies." 

Here  the  Reverend  Blatherskite  and  the  Great  Many  Headed 
Daily  Press  both  closed  their  eyes,  and  piously  murmured,  "To 
God  be  all  the  glory  ;  we  are  unprofitable  servants ;  we  have 
only  done  that  which  it  was  our  duty  to  do." 

"Yes,  brethren,"  continued  Dephool  Flea,  "peace  and  plenty 
everywhere  abound.  Everywhere  Liberty  has  been  established 
on  foundations  that  shall  nevermore  be  shaken  ;  and  I  think, 
as  we  owe  a  tremendous  debt  of  gratitude  to  God  for  these  mani- 
fold mercies,  we  could  not  show  it  better  than  by  getting  up  to 
his  glory  a  grand  old  final  something  or  other  in  honor  of  Lib- 
erty, Freedom,  Deliverance  and  all  that — a  regular  sneezer, 
you  know,  a  tip-top,  ne  plus  ultra  sort  of  bamboozle  that  shall 
beat  all  creation." 

Up  jumped  then  the  Great  Many  Headed  Daily  Press  and 
said  :  "  I  have  it.     What  these  dogs  need  now,  above  all  things, 


S23  *HE  DOGS  AND  THE  ELEAS. 

is  more  stuff  about  Liberty.  Ye  cannot  work  this  theme  too 
much.  It  is  the  liberty  stealer's  and  the  tyrant's  best  guise, 
you  know " 

"I  object,"  interrupted  a  fat  flea,  excitedly,  "to  the  use  of 
the  terms  'liberty  stealer'  and  'tyrant'  as  applied  to  us." 

"Order,  order  ;"  commanded  President  Dephool  Flea.  "Of 
course  we  all  know  well  enough  what  we  are  after,  but  I  sug- 
gest to  our  beloved  servant,  the  Great  Many  Headed,  that,  all 
things  considered,  it  would  be  better  not  to  call  ourselves  by 
our  right  names  even  here  in  our  privacy.  It  will  subserve  our 
great  cause  better  to  try  to  believe,  ourselves,  the  bamboozling 
lies  we  tell  the  poor  fool  dogs.  To  bamboozle  ourselves  a  little 
enables  us  to  appear  more  sincere  and  serious  to  them.  There- 
fore the  Great  Daily  Press  will  please  not  tell  the  truth  even 
here." 

"I  beg  leave  to  withdraw  the  offensive  truth,  then,"  said  the 
Great  Gee  Whizz.  "As  I  was  saying,  that  Statue  business  was 
a  grand  stroke  of  dog  bamboozlement,  over  which  ye  fleas 
ought  to  laugh  to  your  dying  day.  Then  keep  it  up.  Give 
these  dogs  plenty  of  Liberty  talk.  Liberty  sentiment,  and  Lib- 
erty fakes  to  celebrate  and  shout  over,  and  ye  can  bind  them 
with  as  many  slavish  bonds  as  ye  may  choose  to  put  upon 
them.  Set  them  to  make  the  heavens  ring  with  Liberty's 
acclaim,  and  while  they  are  busy  with  that,  ye  can  filch  all 
their  rights  away.     Do  ye  hear  me  ?  " 

And  all  the  Bamboozlers  answered,  "Aye,  we  hear." 

"Very  good  then,"  said  the  Many  Headed,  "dogs  have  one 
great  weakness,  and  that  weakness  is  their  silly  love  of  noise 
and  show.  All  history  shows,  and  all  our  experience  proves, 
that  nothing  fetches  dogs  so  quick  as  noise,  racket,  din  and 
gaudy  show.  Low,  coarse,  undiscerning  simpletons,  they  are 
all  animal  sensibility,  and  have  not  yet  developed  the  ability  to 
pick  truth  from  error,  reality  from  show,  and  fraud  out  of  its 
fine  garments  of  honesty  ;  gumps  and  boobies,  they  are  pleased 
with  a  rattle  and  tickled  with  a  straw. 


the;  docs  and  the  fleas.  323 

''Work  then,  therefore,  along  the  line  of  their  strongest  weak- 
ness. Give  them  noise  to  make,  and  plenty  of  it  ;  something  to 
make  an  idiotic  din  with  ;  something  to  make  them  happy  and 
shout.  Let  us  make  them  a  Bell,  a  big  Bell,  an  enormous  Bell  ; 
and  we  will  call  it  a  Liberty  Bell.  And  so  bewitched  and  sup- 
erstitionized  are  they  now  with  everything  that  is  called  Liberty 
that  without  more  ado  they  will  fall  down  and  worship  it. 
Then  we  will  set  them  all  to  hammer  on  it,  and  the  noise  of  the 
hammering  thereof  will  please  the  poor  idiots  immensely  ;  and 
then  with  our  solemnest  visages,  we  will  call  the  noise  the 
Proclamation  of  Liberty  ;  at  which  bewitching  words  they  will 
all  fall  down  and  worship  again.  So  shall  their  befoolment, 
imbecilitation  and  enslavement  be  clinched  and  confirmed  for 
ever,  and  ye  fleas  shall  reign  supreme,  and  suck  their  blood  for 
ever  and  ever,  Amen." 

"Bravo!  Bravo!"  cried  all  the  fleas  in  chorus.  "Good! 
Grand  !  give  'em  a  Bell,  poor  imbeciles  ;  anything  to  please 
'em  ;  noise  is  cheap,  and  Liberty  metal  costs  less  than  Liberty 
itself." 

And  the  suggestion  of  the  Great  Many  Headed  Gee  Whizz 
seemed  good  unto  the  Committee,  and  they  made  him  Minister 
Plenipotentiary  in  the  matter.  And  he  went  and  sent  his  Cir- 
culators abroad  amongst  the  dogs,  to  tell  them  that  a  grand 
new  pleasure  had  been  devised  for  them  ;  that  their  prosperity, 
their  glory,  their  independence,  their  National  Wealth,  their 
unexampled  LIBERTY,  were  all  agoing  to  be  celebrated  with  a 
Bell,  a  big  Bell,  a  nonpareil  Bell,  that  should  weigh  thirteen 
thousand  pounds,  and,  with  gorgeous  ceremonies,  should  be 
baptized  a  LIBERTY  BELL,  to  the  honor  of  God  and  the 
glory  of  themselves  ;  and  the  show  would  be  worth  going  many 
miles  to  see  ;  and  every  Tom,  Dick,  Harry  and  Jack  was  agoing 
to  hammer  on  it,  in  honor  of  everything  and  everybody,  at 
every  hour  of  day  and  night  ;  and  the  noise  of  it  would  be  beau- 
u-u-tiful,  and  it  would  be  so  loud,  and  there  would  be  such  a 
lot  of  it  that  the  heavens  would  be  just  full  of  it  ;  that  all  the 


224  THE  DOCS  AND  'niic  FMCAS. 

angels  would  knock  off  their  regular  business  and  make  a  great 
holiday  to  listen  to  it ;  and  we  should  all  prostrate  ourselves 
and  tell  God  what  a  wise  thing  he  did  when  he  passed  by  all 
the  other  dogs  in  the  world  and  picked  US  out  to  be  the  recip- 
ients of  such  wealth  and  glory  and  Liberty  as  he  had  deluged 
us  with. 

And  the  dogs  were  delighted  with  the  prospect  of  so  much 
glory,  and  paid  great  attention  to  do  as  they  were  told. 

Then  in  due  time,  the  Great  Daily  Press  announced  that  the 
Bamboozling  Committee  had  appointed  themselves,  in  the 
name  of  the  dogs,  to  devise  a  Bell  and  to  superintend  all  the 
ceremonies. 

Then  they  proclaimed  abroad  that  as  all,  both  dogs  afid  fleas, 
were  the  recipients  of  Heaven's  blessings  of  wealth  and  Free- 
dom, and  as  this  Bell  was  to  be  an  emblematic  Bell,  all,  both 
dogs  and  fleas,  must  contribute  something  towards  the  making 
of  it ;  so  that  when  its  voice  should  be  hammered  out,  it  should 
be  the  voice  of  a//.  Therefore  every  one  must  bring  a  bit  of 
metal  of  some  sort  and  cast  it  into  the  fire. 

And  on  a  day  appointed,  the  fleas  and  the  dogs  were  gath- 
ered around  the  melting  pot ;  and  the  fleas,  being  very  wealthy, 
sent  in,  with  much  ostentation,  gold  and  silver,  and  nickel, 
which  they  called  Liberty  Metal,  and  which  with  prayer  was 
cast  into  the  fire  ;  and  the  dogs,  being  very  poor,  went  about 
and  scratched  up  old  bits  of  junk  tin,  and  iron  and  brass,  and 
brought  them,  and  with  prayer  cast  them  into  the  fire  ;  then  all 
the  salaried  barkers  said  grace  over  the  melting  mass  ;  and  the 
ever-ready  Tee  de  Little  Wit  Blatherskite,  explained  that  the 
emblematic  meaning  of  this  unifying  fusion  of  all  these  hetero- 
geneous elements,  was  that  we  all,  though  fleas  and  dogs,  poor 
and  rich,  small  and  great,  white  and  black,  weak  and  strong, 
were  really  only  one,  having  all  interests  in  common,  and  that 
as  in  this  grand  composite  Bell,  the  glory  of  each  component 
part  was  merged  in  the  glory  of  the  whole,  so  the  glory  of  each 
in  this  nation — poor  and  rich,  top  and  bottom — was  merged  in 


THE  DOGS  AND  THE  FLEAS. 


S25 


the  glory  of  the  whole  of  us  ;  in  short,  the  E  Pluribus  Unum  of 
the  Bell  typified  the  E  Pluribus  Unum  of  us. 

And  all  the  podgy  and  paunch-bellied  fleas,  at  this  lucky  dis- 
covery of  the  beautiful  hidden  meaning  of  the  fusing  mass,  set 
up  a  great  asthmatic  shout  of  praise,  which  contagious  example 
caused  the  dogs  to  give  out  delirious  howls  of  joy,  too.  For 
although  it  would  have  puzzled  the  smartest  of  them  to  discover 


the  real  actualities  of  the  glorious  things  thus  typified,  they 
could  see  that  the  typification  in  the  pot  was  all  real  and  made 
a  very  fine  show. 

Then  a  herald  came  forth  and  proclaimed  aloud  that  the  pot- 
ful  was  cooked  enough,  and  was  about  to  be  solemnly  poured 
out — the  grandest  libation  to  Liberty  the  world  had  ever  seen — 
and  that  the  Committee  of  Arrangements  had  decreed  that  as 


226  Yhe  dogs  and  the  fleas. 

an  appropriate  ceremony,  accompanying,  all  the  dogs  stand  on 
their  heads  and  kick  their  hind  legs  in  the  air,  to  signify  Free- 
dom and  defiance  to  all  the  world. 

And  at  a  signal  the  great  ladleful  was  tipped  over,  and  the 
w'hite  hot  stream  ran  into  a  great  mould  ;  the  fleas  shouted  "Te 
Deum,"  and  fell  down  in  as  flat  adoration  as  their  rotund  car- 
cases allowed,  the  salaried  barkers  shed  from  their  closed  eyes 
great  salt  drops  of  ecstasy  ;  the  dogs  stood  on  their  heads  and 
flourished  their  hind  legs,  and  the  Great  Many  Headed  Gee 
Whizz  stepped  forth  and  announced  that  Libert}',  glorious, 
heaven-born  Liberty,  had  put  on  her  metallic  petticoat. 

Now,  some  of  the  dogs  who  were  so  weak  that  they  could 
not,  and  a  few  who  were  dull  of  comprehension  and  said  they 
did  not  see  the  connection  between  standing  on  their  heads 
and  Liberty,  objected  to  reverse  themselves.  Whereupon  the 
police  dogs  drew  their  williamsticks  and  belabored  them  there- 
with, saying  this  was  Liberty  Day,  and  the  beautiful  show  was 
not  agoing  to  be  spoilt  by  a  lot  of  pesky  dogs  doing  as  they  liked. 
They  had  got  to  stand  on  their  heads  and  flourish  ;  them  was 
the  orders,  and,  by  Hokey,  any  dog  that  refused  that  day  to 
honor  Liberty,  Freedom  and  Independence,  was  agoing  to  be 
made  to ;  and  what  did  they  mean  by  refusing  to  be  free, 
like  everybody  else  ? 

And  when  those  dogs  replied  that  a  Liberty  that  did  not 
allow  them  to  stand  on  their  feet  in  a  natural  manner  was  ty- 
ranny, the  police  dogs  smote  them  a  smite  on  the  jaw,  and  told 
them  to  shut  up  and  do  like  the  others  ;  and  on  their  refusal, 
they  clubbed  them  out  of  the  crowd,  which  hissed  condemna- 
tion of  their  off"ence. 


CHAPTER  XXXVIi. 

More  Liberty  Bell. — Liberty  Earth. — Liberty  Tree.^ 
Liberty  Rope.— Liberty  Tinklers.— Glorious  End  oe 
Liberty. 


JlWM^!«^lyil 


HEN  the  herald  proclaimed 
again    that,   the    Creation 
being  ended,  all  would  ad- 
journ  for  a  week  for  the 
Bell  to  cool,  the  week  to  be 
spent   in   blowing    up    their 
patriotic  fervor  to  the  maxi- 
mum incandescence,  and  fill- 
ing their  lungs  for  a  fortis- 
simo shout  for  Liberty  on  the 
seventh  day. 

And  the  poor  dogs  did  as 
they  were  bid.  And  on  the  seventh  day  all  gathered  to  the 
lifting  up  of  the  Bell.  And  when  it  was  lifted  up,  the  fleas,  be- 
iug  very  strong  and  vigorous,  did  most  of  the  shouting,  but  the 
dogs,  being  very  weak  for  lack  of  food,  did  shout  very  poorly. 
Nevertheless,  the  Great  Daily  Press  shut  all  its  eyes,  and  pro- 
claimed abroad  that  the  shout  for  Liberty  that  day  was  the 
Great  United  Shout  of  One  Great  United  Nation  of  free,  pros- 
perous and  happy  dogs. 

Then  said  the  Bamboozling  Committee  unto  the  Great  Daily 
Press,  "Oh,  thou  Great  Gee  "Whizz,  on  what  sacred  high  place 
shall  we  hang  this  Sacred  Vibrator,  that  its  voice  may  be  heard 
around  the  world  ?  " 

237 


528  THE  DOGS  AND  THE   FLEAS. 

Aud  the  Great  G^e  Whizz  answered  and  said,  "The  Eternal 
Fitnesses  require  that  everything  that  can  emblematize  our 
glorious  liberties  be  gathered  around  this  central  emblem. 
Therefore,  let  Liberty  Earth  be  gathered,  and  a  Liberty  Tree  be 
planted  therein,  to  the  baptism  of  Liberty  Holy  Water,  and  let 
the  fairest  limb  thereof  be  selected  as  a  Liberty  Limb,  and 
thereon  hang  the  Liberty  Bell,  facing  the  Liberty  Goddess,  and 
from  the  top  of  the  tree  let  the  sacredest  emblem  of  all — the 
Flag  of  Liberty — proudly  aud  defiantly  float,  that  Liberty  may 
be  complete  and  perfect." 

And  the  Bamboozling  Committee  said  the  conception  was 
that  of  a  master  mind,  and  should  be  done.  And  they  sent 
some  very  learned  and  paunchy  fleas  to  a  place  where,  accord- 
ing to  tradition,  several  fighting  dogs,  eminent  in  the  battle 
against  the  Kyhidom  dogs,  had  lain  down  and  scratched  them- 
selves and  slept  the  night  before,  and  which  had  smelt  extraor- 
dinarily strong  of  patriotic  dog  for  a  long  time  after.  There  was 
also  a  spot  where  the  great  leader  in  that  fight,  having  got  a  fly 
up  his  nose,  had  stood  and  sneezed  tremendously  ;  and  the  spot 
where  his  fore  feet  had  stood  during  his  convulsion  had  been 
marked  with  remembrance  sticks  from  that  day. 

These  spots,  they  said,  were,  therefore.  Holy  Ground  ;  and 
they  ordered  several  poor  dogs,  that  had  been  specially  fumi- 
gated and  cleansed  and  consecrated  for  the  occasion,  to  take 
Consecrated  Shovels,  and  reverently  and,  to  the  accompaniment 
of  solemn  chanting  by  several  solemn  salaried  barkers,  dig  up 
some  of  that  Sacred  Dirt  and  put  it  reverently  in  Consecrated 
Pots  and  Tins  and  carry  it  in  solemn  procession  to  the  Sacred 
Spot,  where  the  Liberty  Tree  was  to  be  planted. 

And  they  solemnly  dumped  it  there,  and  the  Holy-Dirt- 
touched  Pots  and  Shovels  were  afterwards  put  away  on  a  Conse- 
crated Shelf  in  the  Church  of  the  Fleas.  And  it  was  so  that  in 
after  days,  many  came  to  worship  the'  Blessed  Pots  and  Tins  and 
Shovels  that  had  been  touched  by  the  Liberty  Earth  on  which 
the  ancient  dogs  had  lain  and  scratched  and  sneezed  ;  and  who- 


THE   DOGS   AND  THE  FLEAS. 


229 


soever  looked  at  them  was  made  Free,  and  received  power  to 
make  others  Free;  and  whosoever  touched  them  was  made  whole 
of  any  disease  he  had,  and  received  power  to  heal  anyone  else. 
Then  the  Bamboozling  Committee  sent  another  paunch- 
bellied  and  learned  lot  of  fleas,  to  where  was  a  tree,  against 
which  certain  big  dogs  that  had  distinguished  themselves  in 
the  said  battle  against  the  Kyhidom  dogs,  had  rubbed  them- 


selves vigorously  when  they  had  the  itch.  Here,  said  they,  was 
a  tree  whose  bark  had  actually  been  rubbed  by,  and  afforded 
relief  to,  those  noble  dogs  whose  teeth  and  claws  had  torn  out 
the  eyes  and  bowels  of  their  enemies,  and  stopped  the  exactions 
of  the  foreign  fleas  of  Kyhidom,  and  had  established  that 
Morions  Liberty  by  which  the  interests  of  the  native  suckers 
of  Canisville  had  been  so  gloriously  compacted  and  built  up. 


230  THE  DOGS  AND  THE   FLEAS. 

This,  then,  was  the  Tree  of  Liberty,  ou  which  the  Blessed  Bell 
of  Liberty  should  hang. 

And  it  was  so.  And  they  made  the  specially  fumigated,  con- 
secrated dogs  transplant  it  into  the  Liberty  Earth.  And  on  the 
day  of  the  Solemn  Hanging,  The  Holy  Tintinnabulator  was 
escorted  with  shouts  of  joy,  and  to  the  vociferous  chanting  of  a 
magnificent  Jubilate  Deo,  and  set  up  ou  the  Liberty  Limb  of 
the  Liberty  Tree. 

And  there  was  a  great  noise  made  with  the  blow,  bang  and 
thump  instruments  ;  and  the  dogs  wept  with  a  thankful  joy  for 
all  the  wondrous  liberties  which  these  things  demonstrated 
unto  them  ;  and  the  salaried  barkers  went  amongst  them  and 
gathered  up  their  joyful  tears,  and  poured  them  at  the  sacred 
roots  of  the  Sacred  Tree,  and  said  a  sacred  grace  over  the  pour- 
ing ;  and  the  fleas  gathered  around  and  snivelled  with  them, 
and  made  a  right  beautiful  talk  about  ''Our  Common  Liberties," 
"  C7«r  National  Glory,"  "  C>»r  United  Interests,"  "  (9«r  Great 
Wealth,"  and  <9//r  everything  else  ;  and  then  the  great  Flag  of 
the  Free  was  run  up  on  high,  and  a  herald  came  forth  and  blew 
a  trumpet,  and  proclaimed  that  if  any  dog  knew  of  any  just 
cause  or  impediment  why  all  this  gallant  show  and-emblemism 
should  not  be  considered  proof  irrefragable  that  they  were  the 
fairest,  fattest,  and  freest  lot  of  dogs  and  fleas  that  ever  God 
Almighty's  sun  shone  on,  or  ever  would  shine  on,  he  should 
now  declare  the  same,  or  forever  hold  his  peace  ;  but,  neverthe- 
less, if  any  such  measly  and  discreditable  dog  dare  get  up  and 
deny  it,  he  would  instantly  be  strung  up  to  the  highest  gallows 
as  a  traitor. 

So  no  one  accepting  the  challenge,  the  ceremonies  proceeded 
And  Chancy  Mountebank  Dephool  Flea — with  a  solemn  wink 
to  the  other  Bamboozlers,  who  solemnly  winked  back  to  him — 
in  the  name  of  E  Pluribus  Unum,  and  countless  thousands  of 
free,  united,  fat,  prosperous  and  happy  dogs,  pulled  the  mighty 
tongue  of  the  Bell  ;_  and  as  the  mighty  tone  of  the  hammered 
metal  rose  upon  the  trembling  air,  and  went  up  in  a  majestic 


THE  DOGS  AND  THE  FLEAS.  231 

volume  to  Heaven,  all  the  Bamboozlers  and  the  Monstrous  Fleas 
closed  their  eyes  and  turned  their  noses  heavenward,  and  wept 
great  copious  tears  of  gratitude  and  joy  ;  all  the  salaried  bark- 
ers closed  their  eyes  and  turned  their  noses  to  heaven  and  wept 
likewise,  and  all  the  dogs  prostrated  themselves  and  wept  with 
joy  until  all  the  earth  around  was  wet.  At  which  moment  of 
solemn  joy  a  Heavenly  Voice  from  under  the  Bell  pealed  forth  : 

It  rings — the  mighty  Bell  of  God, 
It  thrills  the  heart  beneath  the  sod, 
And  spirits  of  our  patriot  sires 
Kindle  again  the  sacred  fires. 

Hallelujah  ! 

It  rings — and  angels  from  the  heights, 
Salute  the  Flag  of  Canine  rights  ; 
The  Seraphs  rush  on  radiant  wing. 
With  all  the  cherubs  with  us  to  sing 

Hallelujah  ! 

It  rings— and  all  the  stars  stand  still 
Entranced,  t'  enjoy  the  rapturous  thrill, 
And  swear  it  is,  upon  their  word, 
The  grandest  sound  they  ever  heard. 

Hallelujah  ! 

It  rings— aud  from  its  tongue  of  flame 
It  writes  upon  the  sky  a  name — 
The  name  of  Freedom  ;  kneel,  Oh  earth  ; 
God  struck  the  hour  that  gave  it  birlh. 

Hallelujah  1     Hallelujah  ! 

The  pealing  of  this  hymn  held  all  the  dogs  entranced,  and  as 
the  last  beautiful  note  died  away,  they  all  wept,  and  said  it  was 
lovely  poetry ;  too  lovely  for  anything  ;  especially  where  the 
life-knell  of  the  Bell  thrills  the  hearts  of  the  dead  dogs  under 
the  sod  ;  and  the  Bell  with  its  long  and  facile  flaming  tongue 
writes  names  on  the  sky. 

Then  President  Dephool  Flea,  after  waiting  a  few  rapturous 
moments  to  let  the  beautiful  words  soak  into  their  souls,  an- 


232  THE  DOGS  AND  THE  FLEAS. 

nouuced  that  ^'our''  liberties  liaviug  uow  been  duly  established, 
and  acknowledged  of  Heaven,  the  Blessed  Bell  was  now  open 
for  every  one  to  hammer  his  gratitude  to  God  on,  and  that  each 
would  take  a  turn  in  order. 

Which  they  did.  All  the  fat,  eminent  and  Monstrous  Fleas 
gathered  in  single  file,  and  passed  before  the  Bell  and  hammer- 
ed it,  giving  one  blow  for  himself,  and  thirteen  times  and  forty- 
four  times  and  six  times,  on  behalf  of  the  all-glorious  liberties, 
wealth,  prosperity  and  happiness  of  the  dogs.  And  everybody 
was  delighted,  especially  the  big  fleas,  who  said  it  was  the  very 
best  amusement  they  had  ever  had  in  their  lives ;  and  they 
begged  the  Bamboozling  Committee  to  keep  it  up,  for,  far 
beyond  all  considerations  of  the  amusement  of  it,  it  was  the 
buUiest  piece  of  dust  throwing  ever  yet  devised  for  blinding 
those  d fool  dogs. 

So  the  Bamboozling  Committee  and  the  Great  Many  Headed 
Gee  Whizz,  put  their  wits  together  again  ;  and  the  ever  fertile 
Daily  said  that,  as  he  had  foretold,  the  Bell  racket  and  show 
had  pleased  the  dogs  immensely,  the  Committee  should  go  on 
giving  them  emblems  to  look  at  and  noise  to  make.  "But," 
said  he,  "let  us  give  them  a  chance  to  make  the  noise  them- 
selves. Ye  and  the  other  fleas  have  had  all  the  hauimering  so 
far  ;  let  them  do  it  now.  I  propose  we  get  them  to  make  an 
emblematic  Rope,  a  long  Rope,  a  strong  Rope,  and  a  Rope  they 
can  pull  the  old  Bell  clapper  all  together  with. 

"  Set  them  to  make  a  Rope  that  shall  be  emblematic  of  their 
common  wealth,  their  common  caninity,  their  conmion  Libert}', 
their  common  dirt,  their  common  itch,  their  common  hunger — 
their  common  everything.  Let  each  one  strip  a  few  hairs  off"  his 
liide  and  his  tail,  and  bring  them  as  an  offering  to  Liberty,  and 
let  all  those  hairy  contributions  be  spun  into  a  great  Liberty 
Rope.  Then  one  end  thereof  shall  be  attached  to  the  great 
clapper,  and  as  many  of  the  dogs  as  can  shall  get  hold  and 
pull ;  and  it  shall  be  pull  and  bang,  and  bang  and  pull,  and 
pull  and  bang,  until  the  poor  imbeciles  will  go  mad  and  crazy 


THE  DOGS  AND  THE   FLEAS.  333 

with  the  delightful  racket ;  and  the  noise  shall  fill  their  bellies 
— which,  you  know,  is  the  cheapest  kind  of  victuals." 

"  Hurrah  for  the  Great  Gee  Whizz  !  "  cried  the  Bamboozlers, 
"Liberty  Noise  and  Liberty  Ropes  are  cheaper  than  Liberty." 

And,  as  before,  The  Great  Daily  Press,  with  awful  solemnity, 
publicly  announced  that  the  dogs  were  agoing  to  have  more 
emblems  to  celebrate  their  glorious  liberties  and  privileges  with. 

And  when  the  dogs  heard  the  great  emblematic  Liberty  Rope 
proposition,  they  wagged  their  tails  and  howled  deliriously  for 
joy,  and  went  lachrymoniously  drivelling  to  each  other  that 
Canisville  was  indeed  the  place  where  Freedom  dwelt,  and 
that  no  other  dogs  on  the  face  of  the  earth  had  a  Liberty  Bell, 
Liberty  Poetry  and  a  Liberty  Rope  ;  no  indeed. 

And  the  dogs  hasted  and  each  stripped  some  hair  off  his  tail 
and  hide,  and  sent  it  to  the  Bamboozling  Committee,  who,  in 
the  privacy  of  their  meeting  place,  had  it  spun,  to  the  accom- 
paniment of  many  a  wink  and  many  a  hilarious  laugh  over  the 
silly  idiots  that  were  so  easily — oh,  so  very  easily — buncoed  and 
bamboozled   out  of   Liberty,  by  Liberty  emblems  and  shams. 

And  when  the  great  common  Rope  was  ready,  they  ordained 
another  day  of  howling  thanksgiving,  and  self  laudation,  and 
self  glorification,  and  a  solemn  moment  of  attachment  of  the 
end  thereof  to  the  glorious  Banger  of  the  glorious  Bell,  and  a 
solemn  consecration  and  dedication  of  the  Rope,  and  another 
grand  hymn,  which  called  all  the  angels  from  their  most  press- 
ing engagements  to  crowd  Heaven's  battlements,  in  admiration 
of  their  magnificently  idiotic  jubilation. 

And  the  dogs  were  tickled  to  death  with  their  Rope,  and  took 
turns  of  gangs  at  pulling  it ;  and  the  eternal  banging  and  clang- 
ing and  jangling  of  the  hammered  metal  was  so  delightful  that 
they  forgot  their  hunger  even  ;  and  they  danced  around  the 
Bell,  and  kissed  it,  and  touched  it  reverently  with  their  noses, 
and  blessed  God  for  Liberty,  Liberty,  Liberty. 

And  at  the  suggestion  of  the  Great  Gee  Whizz,  the  Bambooz- 
ling Committee  made  a  multitude  of  little  tinkling  bells,  veri- 


334  THE  DOGS  AND  THE  FLEAS. 

similitudes  of  the  Great  Bell,  and  touched  each  one  on  the  Great 
Bell,  and  it  was  so  that  virtue  went  out  of  the  Great  Bell  and 
made  a  true  Liberty  Tinkler  of  the  little  one. 

And  the  Committee  ordained  that  each  truly  patriotic  dog 
hang  a  Liberty  Tinkler  on  the  end  of  his  nose,  one  in  each  of 
his  ears,  and  a  row  of  them  on  his  tail,  to  the  end  that  all  the 
world  and  everybody  else  might  hear  the  noise  of  Liberty,  and 
that  every  dog,  at  every  movement  of  his  body  and  wag  of  his 
tail,  might  be  a  living,  eternal  Proclamation  of  Liberty  through- 
out the  land. 

And  it  was  so.  And  the  dogs  were  delighted  and  hung  little 
Liberty  Tinklers  upon  themselves  as  ordered  ;  and  all  Canis- 
ville  rang  with  Libert3^ 

But  in  a  short  time  the  fat  fleas,  and  the  eminent  fleas,  and 
the  Monstrous  Fleas,  seeing  that  the  Blessed  Bell  and  the  Lib- 
erty ceremonies  had  quite  served  their  purpose,  and  the  poor 
fool  dogs  had  been  hypnotized  into  a  very  satisfactory  state  of 
forgetfulness  of  their  wrongs  and  miseries,  told  the  Bambooz- 
ling Committee  that  they  might  now  with  safety  conclude  the 
amusement  and  close  up  the  show,  as  it  was  somewhat  expen- 
sive. 

So  the  Bamboozling  Committee,  ordering  one  grand  final 
hammering,  that  made  the  startled  angels  jump,  and  a  grand 
final  yell  for  Liberty,  which  made  the  air  tremble  for  a  week 
after,  and  a  benediction  in  chorus  by  all  the  salaried  barkers, 
that  sounded  like  the  last  tapering-off"  roll  of  distant  thunder, 
declared  the  greatest  and  grandest  show  of  the  ages  closed. 


CHAPTER  XXXVIII. 

The  Times  Out  of  Joint. — The  Powce  Dogs  Growl  and 
Threaten    Revolt. — The   Salaried    Barkers  Awake 

AND  GET  UP   A    "REVIVAL." — GREAT   CONFERENCE  OF  ALL 

THE  Great  Lights  of  Pietydom. — A  Long  Pull  and  a 
Strong  Pull,  and  a  Pull  Altogether,  for  the  Salva- 
tion of  the  Dogs,  Resolved  on. 


HE  bamboozl-e  of  the  Bell  of  Liberty 
had  been  a  grand  success  while  it 
lasted.  As  a  dream,  a  stimulating 
mental  narcotism,  a  beautiful  per- 
iod of  sweet  oblivion,  into  which 
the  hard  and  cruel  facts  of  the 
dogs'  daily  lives  had  been  thrown 
and  temporarily  buried,  it  was  very 
restful  and  enjoyable  to  them. 
But  starvation,  disease  and  univer- 
sal tyranny,  though  buried,  were 
not  decreed  out  of  being  ;  and 
scarcely  had  the  last  tones  of  sweet 
Liberty's  Bell  died  out  and  the 
show  closed,  ere  those  horrid  real- 
ities began  to  creep  and  sneak  from  their  graves  and  smite  the 
yet  dazed  and  dreaming  dogs.  With  skeleton  hands  they  smote 
them  on  the  head  and  in  the  stomach,  and  with  mercilessly 
cruel  fingers  poked  open  their  hypnotized  eyes,  and  with  fiend- 
ish laughter  mocked  them,  and  bade  them  look  and  see  that  in 
spite  of  Liberty  Shows  of  every  sort,  the  times  were  somehow 
put  of  joint.     Times  were  indeed  bad.     Gaunt  Famine,  gaunter 

335 


236  THE  DOGS  AND  THE  FLEAS. 

than  ever,  stalked  through  the  land,  smiting  down  her  victims 
more  pitilessly  than  ever,  as  though  in  jealous  revenge  for  the 
attentions  they  had  lately  lavished  on  her  rival,  Liberty.  Of 
course  the  dogs  did  the  starving — most  of  it ;  but  as  the  dogs 
were  the  source  of  the  fleas'  existence,  why,  even  many  oitheni 
fell  sick  of  hunger  and  dwindled  away  and  died.  Even  the 
police  dogs,  for  whom  Pup  McPoodle  and  all  the  Monstrous 
Fleas  made  extra  special  strenuous  efforts  to  keep  in  good  flesh, 
seeing  that  their  zeal  for  Order  depended  entirely  on  that,  did 
suffer  somewhat  from  the  stringency.  They  did  not  always  get 
their  basketfuls  punctually,  and  were  several  times  delayed  in 
their  dining,  and  they  began  to  grumble  and  complain  that  if 
this  kind  of  outrage  on  their  sacred  carcases  were  not  soon 
stopped,  they  would  get  up  a  riot  on  their  own  hook  and  club 
somebody,  for  they  had  never  been  used  to  being  hungry,  and 
by  the  great  Holy  Locust,  they  were  not  going  to  be,  either, 
without  knowing  the  reason  why. 

Irreligion,  Vice,  Crime  and  Immorality  stalked  abroad,  and 
gave  the  multitudinous  compulsory-virtue  societies  a  tremen- 
dous rush  of  business,  insomuch  that  they  had  to  work  over- 
time. But  an  evil  of  far  more  portentousness  and  gravity  than 
all  these  combined  ensued  :  the  salaried  barkers  in  the  churches 
had  their  basketfuls  diminished  ;  their  churches  were  some- 
times empty  and  were  never  full. 

Therefore,  as  the  salaried  barkers  had,  through  long  experi- 
ence, come  to  observe  that  a  famine  was  nearly  always  accom- 
panied by  what  they  called  a  "great  outpouring  of  the  spirit," 
and  the  setting  in  of  a  great  "revival,"  and  as  a  "revival"  meant 
fuller  churches,  and  consequently  a  revival  of  the  supplies  of 
meat,  they  determined  to  hump  themselves  with  great  energy, 
and  bring  about  the  revival  that,  according  to  the  famine,  was 
now  about  due.  So  they  called  a  conference  of  all  the  fat  fleas, 
the  eminent  fleas,  and  the  most  pious  of  the  Monstrous  Fleas, 
and  the  barking  dogs,  not  only  of  Canisville,  but  of  the  country 
roundabout,  to  devise  newer  and  better  schemes  for  what  they 


THfi  DOGS  AND  THE  FLEAS.  237 

called  "  reacliing  the  masses," — or  "  them  asses  "  as  oue  totally- 
depraved  dog  profanely  remarked. 

And  it  v.'as  a  great  time.  For  weeks  all  the  lady  fleas,  and 
all  other  fleas  who  were  in  "sympathy"  with  the  dogs,  and 
had  their  "  welfare  "  at  heart,  were  busy  every  day  in  getting  a 
place  ready  for  the  reception  of  the  conference.  It  was  fitted 
up  "regardless  of  expense,"  and  decorated  especially  with 
costly  flowers,  and  mottoed  banners,  and  choice  texts  of  "  Holy 
Scripture,"  exquisitely  wrought  in  gold  and  silver,  on  expen- 
sive silks.  The  air  was  heavy  with  perfumes  of  the  rarest 
sorts  ;  the  walls  were  resplendent  with  mirrors  and  pictures, 
loaned  by  the  wealthiest  suckers  ;  and  everything  that  could  be 
done  zaas  done  to  minister  to  the  "solemnity  "  of  the  occasion, 
and  to  the  comfort  of  the  most  eminent  and  fat-salaried  bark- 
ers—the D.  D.'s,  L.I/.  D.'s,  B.  A.'s  M.  A.'s,  Reverends,  Very 
Reverends,  Much  Reverends,  Right  Reverends,  Wrong  Rever- 
ends, Right  Reverend  Fathers  in  God,  His  Grace,  His  Emi- 
nence, His  Sacredness,  His  Holiness,  who  had  been  invited 
from  far  and  near,  to  assist  Heaven  in  bringing  about  the 
"revival."  And  a  great  and  shining  galaxy  of  fat  and  Mon- 
strous Fleas,  with  "Professor,"  "Honorable,"  "Right  Honora- 
ble," "His  Nibs,"  "His  Nobs,"  "His  Jags,"  "His  Jiblets,"  "His 
Joblots,"  to  their  names  were  there  also.  Oh,  they  were  a  highly 
select  and  respectable  and  well-conditioned  body  of  fleas  and 
barkers  that  met  together  that  day  to  devise  the  ways  and  means 
of  making  poor  dogs  happy. 

Now  it  was  remarked  that  to  this  great  conference  of  the 
pious  fleas  and  their  salaried  barkers  to  devise  the  salvation  of 
dogs  f!o(  a  solitary  poor  working  dog  was  invited,  and  no  one 
even  called  to  ask  the  opinion  of  any  dog  on  the  subject ;  but 
all  the  eminent  and  pious  fleas  there  proceeded  to  make 
speeches,  which  were  duly  taken  down  and  recorded  in  the 
book  of  the  chronicles  of  the  world's  eminent  saints,  who  have 
spent  their  lives  trying  to  lift  up  the  poor,  while  riding  on  their 
backs. 


238  THE   DOGS   AND  'rHE   El^KAS. 

And  Tee  de  Little  Wit  Blatherskite,  who  bad  had  a  good 
breakfast  and  was  more  than  usually  full  of  diviue  zeal,  said 
they  were  grieved  beyond  expression  to  find  that,  in  spite  of  tlie 
efforts  that  had  been  expended  for  the  benefit  of  poor  dogs, 
their  poverty,  discontent  and  irreligion  were  on  the  increase. 
But  not  this  alone ;  for  lately  it  had  come  to  their  knowledge 
that  far  more  alarming  symptoms  had  broken  out.  In  several 
quarters,  it  was  rumored,  there  had  appeared  several  strange 
dogs  of  uncouth  visage  and  long  hair,  who  had  evidently  de- 
termined to  poison  the  minds  of  the  whole  community  of  dogs. 

These  abominable  new  comers — who  they  hoped  for  the  honor 
of  Canisville  were  from  some  foreign  country— had  spoken  evil 
of  religion,  saying  it  was  only  a  crafty  dodge  of  the  fleas  to 
deceive  dogs  with  and  to  hide  from  them  the  fact  that  the  only 
thing  that  was  amiss  with  dogs  was  FLEAS.  And  these  same 
foreign  dogs  had  even  gone  so  far  as  to  call  fleas  SUCKERS 
and  other  wicked  epithets,  and  to  tell  the  dogs  that  until  they 
got  rid  of  the  fleas  they  would  never  get  rid  of  their  miseries. 
Now,  brethren,  here  a  real  peril  menaced  them;  here,  brethren, 
were  the  hateful  devils  of  Singletaxism,  Anarchism,  Com- 
nmnism,  Socialism,  Populism,  Nationalism,  and  many  other 
blasphemous  anti-flea  isms,  shoving  their  noses  in  our  midst, 
and  God  only  knew  what  the  end  of  it  was  to  be.  Here  were 
certain  lewd  dogs  of  the  baser  sort^dle,  good-for-nothing 
agitators,  no  doubt,  who  lived  on  their  more  simple,  honest  and 
law  abiding  fellow-dogs — going  about  preaching  the  pestilent 
doctrines  of  social  discontent,  and  free  thought,  and  equal 
rights,  and  setting  class  against  class — yes,  brethren,  setting 
class  against  class;  only  think  of  it ! — and  was  nothing  to  be 
done?  Were  they  to  sit  there  supinely  looking  on  while  those 
vile  foreign  agitators  were  undermining  the  very  foundations  of 
Religion  and  Social  Order?  Why,  it  might  actually  come  to 
pass,  if  some  energetic  measures  were  not  immediately  under- 
taken, that  the  whole  race  of  dogs  would  grow  to  hate  the  race 
of  fleas,  and  even  try  to  exterminate  them  as  they  once  did  in 


THE  UOGS  AND  THE  FLEAS. 


23d 


Frankolaud,  which  would  result  iu  putting  back  the  cause  of 
Religion  a  hundred  years,  as  it  had  done  there.  Oh,  brethren, 
it  was  time  to  be  up  and  doing.  Oh,  brethren,  scepticism  and 
infidelity  were  taking  hold  of  dogs  nowadays.  Oh,  brethren, 
could  we  not  revive  the  laws  against  blasphemy,  and  the  use  of 
the  Blue  Thunderbolts  with  which  to  protect  *the  Almighty? 
Had  we  no  jails  and  gallows  to  protect  us  and  keep  these  dogs  in 
the  paths  of  true  religion  ?   Oh,  brethren,  only  a  few  days  ago,  as 


one  of  our  most  fat  and  pious  pew  holders  was  on  his  way  to 
church,  he  was  insulted  by  some  dogs  who,  no  doubt,  had  im- 
bibed the  pestilent  heresies  now  being  preached.  They  barked 
out  at  him  :  "There  goes  a  sucker.  That's  the  son-of-a-gun  what 
keeps  us  thin  and  poor;"  and  made  other  insolent  and  un- 
graramatical  remarks,  and  one  vile  fellow  slyly  threw  a  gob  of 
mud  that  hit  him  on  the  paunch.  Oh,  brethren,  it  needed 
great  grace  and  entire  sanctification  for  our  brother  to  bear  it. 
And  no  doubt,  brethren,  something  was  urgently  needed  to 
reach  the  masses. 


240  The  dogs  and  the  fi.eas. 

Then  the  conference  adjourned  for  recess  and  luncheon, 
which  consisted  of  every  sort  of  costly  viands,  served  on  costly 
plate;  of  rare  and  costly  fruits,  and  wines  of  exquisite  "bouquet," 
all  set  out  amid  a  display  of  the  very  rarest  exotics,  that  cost 
exceeding  much  wealth,  and  to  the  accompaniment  of  an  or- 
chestra of  very  talented  minstrels. 

This  over,  and  "thanks"  having  been  rendered  by  His  Grace, 
the  Serene  and  Excessively  Distinguished  Archiepiscopus  of 
the  Diocese  of  Puliciania,  who  had  travelled  a  thousand  miles 
"to  be  present  on  this  auspicious  occasion,"  the  session  was  re- 
opened with  prayer  by  the  Veriest  Reverend  Father  in  God, 
Sanguineous  F.  Plumpdog. 

Now,  His  Grace,  the  Serene  and  Excessively  Distinguished 
Archiepiscopus  of  rhe  Diocese  of  Puliciania,  was  a  ver}'  large, 
fat  and  wheezy  dog  who  could  hardly  see  out  of  his  eyes  for 
fatness.  He  had  lived  amongst,  and  ministered  to  a  churchful 
of  big  fat  fleas  so  long  that  he  had  come  to  regard  himself  as 
one  of  them,  and  always  said  "we"  and  "us"  and  "our."  So 
did  all  the  rest  of  these  wonderfully  sleek  and  plump  barkt  rs  ; 
and  so  acceptable  were  these  barkers  to  their  various  congrega- 
tions of  fat  and  Monstrous  Fleas  and  so  uniformly  did  they 
never  preach  any  other  than  an  "acceptable"  gospel  to  them, 
that  the  fleas  were  pleased  to  regard  them  as  of  their  caste. 

The  first  speaker  was  the  Most  Reverend,  Asthmatic  and  Holy 
Archdeacon,  Suckerius  P.  Paunchiana  Fatdog,  F.  L.  U.  N.  K. 
E.Y.,  H  U.  M.  B.  U.  G.,  who  made  a  few  remarks  thus  :  "Ladies 
and  Gentlefleas — It  seems  to  me  that  we,  to  whom  has  been 
committed,  by  the  wisdom  of  Almighty  God,  the  keeping  of 
great  wealth,  ought  first  to  guard  against  thedanger  of  forgetting 
that  we  owe  something  to  the  poor  dogs  whom  God,  in  His 
wisdom  has  put  in  a  position  beneath  us.  We  ought  never  to 
forget  that  it  is  to  us  that  God  looks,  as  his  chosen  instruments, 
for  the  uplifting  of  the  dogs.  Why  there  are  dogs  and  why 
there  are  fleas  is  one  of  those  inscrutable  mysteries  that  we  ought 
not  to  pry  into,  but  reverently  accept.    For  my  part,  I  reverently 


TH^  DOGS  AND  THE  FLEAS.  241 

accept  it,  and  I  pray  that  I  may  ever  be  kept  reverent.  Certain 
it  is,  however,  that  if  ever  the  dogs  are  to  be  made  fat  and 
happy,  and  uplifted  to  those  things  of  the  soul  and  Heaven,  we 
fleas  will  have  to  do  it.  God  always  works  through  means,  and  we 
are  (he  means.  He  has  ordained  the  wealthy  to  minister  to  the 
poor,  the  strong  to  bear  with  the  weak,  the  wise  to  lead  the  fool- 
ish, the  enlightened  to  illumine  the  dark  ;  we  are  the  wealthy,  the 
strong,  the  wise,  and  the  enlightened,  and  woe  to  us  if  we  shirk 
the  duty  thus  laid  upon  us.  Brethren,  the  one  thing  we  are 
most  apt  to  forget  is  THE  Spirit  of  Christ.  He  came  down 
from  his  high  estate  to  uplift  the  fallen,  and  it  is  this  going 
Aovfn,  going  down,  going  down,  brethren,  to  those  below  us, 
that  is  going  to  save  them. 

"  Let  us  then  carry  out  this  Spirit,  and  go  dozvn  to  these  poor 
creatures.  Let  us  walk  amongst  them  ;  let  us  show  ourselves 
to  them  ;  let  us  put  on  poor  raiment  and  ask  them  how  they  do  ; 
let  us  teach  them  scientific  economy  in  eating  ;  let  us  with  our 
own  paws  show  them  how  one  bone  can  be  made  to  yield  a 
good  dinner  for  a  large  family  and  leave  something  over  for  the 
morrow  ;  let  us  teach  them  how  to  accept  in  a  proper  spirit  the 
cast-off  garments  of  the  "charitable,"  and  to  seek  to  be  clothed 
with  the  "  garments  of  righteousness  "  ;  let  us  invite  them  to 
confide  to  us  their  trials  and  troubles  ;  let  us  take  a  genuine  in- 
terest in  them,  and  get  into  their  affections,  and  teach  them  toil, 
and  thrift,  and  temperance,  and  so,  by  easy  and  natural  methods 
— such  as  wrapping  up  pennies  and  candies  in  tracts  and  leaf- 
lets— gradually  train  their  minds  to  those  higher  and  eternal 
things  and  treasures  in  heaven  where  neither  moth  nor  rust 
break  through  and  steal." 

And  all  the  audience  broke  out  into  a  storm  of  applause  ;  and 
everybody  said  that  was  a  most  glorious  gospel,  the  Gospel  of 
GOING  DOWN.  And  everybody  looked  anxious  to  get  up  and 
go  down  then  and  there.  And  an  enthusiastic  Monstrous  Flea 
moved,  and  another  enthusiastic  one  seconded,  that  "We  do. 


242 


The  dogs  and  The  fleaS. 


here  and  now,  all  of  us,  form  ourselves  iuto  au  Association  to  bfe 
known  as  the  'Going  Down  Organization  Society, '  "  which  was 
carried  with  immense  enthusiasm. 


CHAPTER  XXXIX. 

The  Much  Titled  Archbishop  Tlethoric  Dog  Shows  the 
InfallibIvE  Way  of  Going  Down  to  the  Dogs  and 
Lifting  them  up  to  Church. — Music  and  Pictures. — 
Not  so  Stomach  Filling  as  Victuals, 
BUT  Very  Discontent-Diverting. 


FTER  a  short  interval,  to  enable  the 
assembly  to  recover  from  the  stun- 
ning effect  of  the  great  Gospel  of  Going 
Down,  there  stepped  forward  His  Grace, 
the  Veriest,  Mostest,  Reverendest  Arch- 
bishop Plethoric  Dog,  L.LC.K.F.O.O.T. 
£.s.d.,  $$$$$$,  of  the  diocese  of  Upper 
Suckerdom  and  all  Flunkeydom.  He 
said  :  "  Brethren,  the  called  and  chosen, 
the  divinely-appointed  almoners  of  Heav- 
en's bounty,  I  congratulate  my  most  Reverend,  Asthmatic  and 
Holy  Brother,  Archdeacon  Suckerius  P.  Paunchiana  Fatdog, 
upon  the  very  able  manner  in  which  he  has  presented  before 
you  the  Gospel  of  Going  Down,  and  you  on  the  happiness  and 
good  fortune  of  listening  to  him.  I  can  only  support  my 
brother  by  pointing  out  how  we  can  apply  his  Going  Down  Gos- 
pel. It  has  struck  me  that  we  can  make  use  of  many  means 
which  may  be  sanctified  to  their  good. 

"  My  brethren,  there  is  the  means  of  Music,  which  may  be 
used  to  uplift  poor  dogs.  It  is  well  known  that  even  dogs  have 
a  love  of  Music  quite  as  strong  as  the  most  cultivated  of  fleas. 
Why  not  give  these  dogs  Cheap  Music?    Let  us  provide  for 

343 


244  THE  DOGS  AND  THE;  FLEAS. 

them  bauds  of  music  to  play  iu  the  public  places,  say,  oiie  day 
iu  a  week.  Who  kuovvs  what  the  fiddle  and  the  bow,  the 
trombone  and  piccolo,  the  cornet  and  oboe,  the  flute  and  violon- 
cello, the  cymbals  and  the  banjo,  the  triangle  and  the  drum,  may 
accomplish,  when  handled  with  consecrated  paws,  and  blown 
with  sanctified  breath  ?  Let  us  show  these  degraded  dogs  that 
we  love  them,  that  we  are  blood  of  their  blood,  and  are  anxious 
to  minister  to  their  love  of  the  beautiful  in  sight  and  sound. 
And,  my  brethren,  we  can  make  even  music  serve  the  cause  of 
the  church,  and  the  means  of  drawing  them  to  the  sanctuary — 
which,  of  course,  should  be  the  aim  and  the  object  of  all  our 
efforts.  We  need  not  discourse  unto  them  unsanctified  jigs, 
and  profane  waltzes,  and  blasphemous  schottisches,  by  which 
Satan  beguiles  the  ungodly.  No,  no  !  There  is  a  great  mul- 
titude of  beautiful  pieces  of  music  that  have  an  upward  and 
churchward  tendency,  that  may  be  discoursed  unto  them,  such 
as,  '  I  am  so  happy  I'm  going  to  heaven  '  ;  'I  desire  to  be  an 
angel '  ;  '  My  home  is  not  here,  it  is  over  there  ' ;  'I  am  looking 
above  to  the  heaven  of  love '  ;  '  There  is  a  happy  land,  far, 
FAR  away';  and  many  others;  and  all  these  have  a  very  good 
tendency  to  keep  the  minds  of  dogs  fixed  on  things  above  and 
away  from  their  sordid  poverty  and  wicked  trifling  with  the 
vain  nonsense  of  tr^-ing  to  make  this  poor  sin  stricken  world 
any  better. 

"Oh,  brethren,  there  is  nothing  more  entrancing,  more  up- 
lifting, more  heartmelting,  than  to  hear  '  Go  bury  thy  troubles' 
piously  rendered  by  the  cornet,  harp,  sackbut,  psaltery,  dulci- 
mer, and  all  kinds  of  music.  I  have  seen  dogs  melted  to  tears 
under  it ;  and  I  make  no  doubt  that  many  souls  will  be  drawn 
to  Church  by  it ;  and  above  all,  in  the  present  alarming  state  of 
dog-scepticism,  it  will  have  a  good  effect  in  drawing  away  their 
minds  from  the  discussion  of  what  they  wickedly  call  their 
'  wrongs. ' 

"  Then  there  is  the  love  of  art  that  may  be  appealed  to. 
Dogs  love  to   look   at  beautiful   pictures.     Why   not  open   a 


THE  DOGS  AND  THE  FI,EAS.  245 

picture  gallery  free  for  tliem  all  to  come  and  gaze  their  fill  ?  Of 
course,  God,  in  his  wisdom,  has  given  us,  alone,  the  power  to 
buy  pictures,  but  he  did  not  intend  us  to  be  hoggish  with 
them  ;  He  no  doubt  intended  that  we  should  share  these^our  gifts 
with  our  inferior  fellow  creatures.  Did  not  our  great  Master 
teach  us  to  share  our  gifts  with  them?  Yea,  verily;  and  just 
as  He,  by  coming  down  and  imparting  his  gifts  to  us,  has  up- 
lifted us,  and  made  us  to  sit  in  heavenly  places,  so  we  by  the  same 
conduct  can  uplift  those  who,  by  natural  and  divine  ordination, 
are  very  wisely  placed  beneath  us.  Of  course,  we  cannot  hope 
ever  to  abolish  their  poverty,  and  put  them  on  to  our  plane  ; 
for  it  is  evident  that  the  Almighty,  in  his  wisdom,  made  dogs 
to  be  inferior,  just  as  he  made  fleas  to  be  superior.  And  it  is 
just  as  evident  that  he  ordained  dogs  to  support  fleas,  in  return 
for  the  inestimable  benefits,  both  moral  and  spiritual,  that  fleas 
confer  on  dogs.  Ye  can  easily  see,  my  brethren,  that  fleas  are 
absolutely  necessary  to  the  well  being  of  dogs.  Fancy  a  com- 
munity of  dogs  without  fleas  !  Who  would  lead  them  ?  Who 
would  watch  for  their  souls'  welfare  ?  Who  would  ameliorate 
their  condition  of  want  and  ignorance?  Who  would  have  the 
leisure  to  go  about  amongst  them,  visiting  them  in  their  ken- 
nels, soothing  their  sorrows,  binding  up  their  sore  places,  calm- 
ing their  discontent  with  their  divinely  appointed  lot,  and 
pointing  them  to  a  Better  Land,  when  they  kick  the  bucket? 

"  Brethren,  what  I  meant  to  say  before  I  digressed,  is,  that  as 
one  means  of  grace — a  very  great  means  of  very  great  grace — I 
rank  sanctified  pictures  and  sanctified  song  very  high.  Yes, 
brethren,  let  us  open  a  picture  gallery,  free  as  salvation, 
'without  money  and  without  price,'  open  every  day  and  even- 
ing in  the  year,  except  Sundays  and  during  Lent,  and  the 
Saints'  days,  and  solemn  feasts  and  solemn  fasts,  and  Thanks- 
giving and  holidays  and  other  solemn  occasions,  when  infinitely 
higher  matters — matters  of  eternal  interest — than  mere  music 
and  pictures,  should  engage  the  attention  of  dogs.  Bearing  in 
mind  that  pictures  should  be  an  aid  to  religion— not  a  substi- 


iii'f'H-ATiiimii'Hjiiii lit  , 

246 


THE   DOGS   AND  THE   FLEAS.  247 

tute — let  us  put  some  of  our  best  pictures  on  loan  ;  nice  soul-up- 
lifting, truly  sanctified  pictures,  such  as  'Little  Samuel's  Wak- 
ing,' 'Daniel  in  the  Lion's  Den,'  the  Prodigal's  Return,'  etc., 
etc.  Such  pictures  as  these  fill  the  mind  with  pure  and  holy 
thoughts,  and  when  properly  administered  will,  without  inter- 
fering with  their  more  imperative  duty  of  attending  church,  do 
them  a  great  amount  of  good.  Of  course  I  do  not  mean  that 
we  should  throw  open  these  our  precious  treasures  of  art  with- 
out restriction,  to  the  gaze  and  handling  of  the  whole  breed  of 
dogs  without  distinction.  Oh,  no,  the  dogs  must  be  made  to 
recognize  that  these  are  our  pictures,  and  that  their  owners 
have  rights  to  be  protected.  We  must  duly  impress  upon  these 
dogs'  minds  that  'It  is  of  grace,  not  ofdebV  that  they  look  upon 
them.  We  must  impress  upon  them  that  we,  the  fleas,  so  loved 
the  world  of  dogs  that  we  gave  the  loan  of  our  art  treasures, 
that  whosoever  would  might  look  upon  them,  and  be  a  better 
and  more  contented  dog.  Well,  not  exactly  'whosoever'  ;  it 
stands  to  sense  that  we  must  exclude  all  dirty  dogs,  for  some  of 
us  will  be  there  sometimes ;  and  we  must  exclude  dogs  with 
sore  eyes  and  bad  breath,  as  we  should  not  like  any  of  our 
refined  lady  visitors  to  be  offended  by  such  unwholesomen esses  ; 
and  it  will  certainly  not  do  to  let  in  profane  and  vulgar  dogs, 
as  bad  manners  corrupt  the  pious  dogs.  And  as  for  those 
dogs  who  have  been  known  to  express  subversive  sentiments — 
sentiments  inimical  to  fleas — that  would  lead  to  the  overthrow 
of  the  present  divinely  appointed  order  of  things,  why,  they  must 
not  be  admitted  at  any  price  or  on  any  pretense.  All  others 
should  be  allowed,  if  properly  provided  with  an  admission 
ticket  and  vouched  for  by  two  respectable  members  of  flea 
society.  With  these  trifling  but  judicious  exceptions  and 
restrictions,  I  think  pictures  may,  under  the  divine  blessing,  be 
made  an  incalculably  blessed  means  to  the  uplifting  of  poor,  sin- 
ful and  fallen  caninity." 

This  big  bug  of  a  barker  sat  down  amid  thunders  of  applause. 
And  the  President,  rising,  advanced  to  the  front  of  the  plat- 


248  THE  DOGS   AND  THE   KI,EAS. 

form,  and  ■when  the  applause  had  abated,  said,  in  a  voice  of 
emotion  :  "Friends,  Heaven  does,  indeed,  bless  us,  for  as  I  stand 
here  I  see  that  one  whom  we  all  love  and  revere  has  just 
entered  the  doorway.  [  Here  the  whole  assembly  turned 
to  see  who  it  was,  and  broke  again  into  rapturous  vociferation 
on  beholding  enter  the  very  Honorable  and  Holy  One  a  Maker 
•  of  long  prayers  and  short  wages  ]  We  have  with  us  our  be- 
loved John,  rich,  pious,  patriotic,  humble,  holy,  and  altogether 
lovely,  and  I  shall  have  the  exalted  pleasure  of  asking  him  to 
address  us  now. 


CHAPTER   XL. 

The  Holy  One  a  Maker  of  Long  Prayers  and  Short 
Wages  Discourses  on  the  Blessedness  of  Charity  to 
Poor  Dogs,  and  Shows  how  it  Incidentally  Pays  the 
Blood  Suckers  who  Dispense  it. — Lady  Vanderbillion 
Flea  Suggests  a  Charity  Ball. 


THE  Honorable  and  Holy  One 
a    Maker    was  in    especially 
good    fettle    to-day.     To    his 
usual  rotundity  of  paunch  and 
rubicuudity  and  sleekness  of 
visage,    the    warmth   of    his 
complimentary-adjectived  re- 
ception   had    added    a 
glow    of    self-compla- 
cency, which  gave  his 
countenance   the  shine 
and  sheen  of  transfigur- 
ation.     Having    dined 
well     of    this     earth's 
bounties,  and  afterwards 
in     silent     communion 
quaffed   deep   quaffs   of 
the  "Wine  of  Holiness" 
of  the  oldest  and  rarest 
vintage,he  was  overflow- 
ingly    full   of   beaming 
sanctimoniousness   and 
charity,  and  his  seventh- 
day  eye  was  more  highly 
249 


350  THE  DOGS  AND  THE  FLEAS. 

enlarged  and  heavenward-lifted  than  usual ;  insomuch  that  all 
the  lady  fleas  were  enraptured,  and  said  he  was  an  angel,  and 
too  beautiful  for  anything,  bless  him. 

In  accents  low  and  mellifluously  cadent,  he  said  :  "Dear 
friends  :  It  would  ill  become  me  to  attempt  to  emulate  the 
magnificent  eloquence  of  the  reverend  barkers  who  have  ad- 
dressed you.  Unseen  of  you,  I  have  heard  their  addresses,  and 
I  trust  I  may  be  pardoned  if  I  try  to  supplement  their  sugges- 
tions by  the  suggestion  that  in  our  magnificent  efforts  for  the 
spiritual  bettering  of  the  canine  race,  we  forget  not  their  cor- 
poreal needs. 

"  Oh,  my  friends,  I  mingle  with  dogs  more,  perhaps,  than 
any  of  ye,  and  my  heart  is  torn  and  bleeds  for  their  poverty 
and  sorrow  and  suffering,  and  I  would  suggest  that  we,  who 
have  the  means,  do  something  for  their  corporeal  wants.  My 
suggestion  is  that  we  do  something  larger  in  Charity  for  them. 

"Oh,  my  friends,  think  of  the  great  gifts  Heaven  has  given 
to  us,  and  then  think  of  the  return  we  owe  to  Heaven  for  the 
profitable  use  of  them.  As  I  tell  the  poor  dogs  in  my  blood 
suckery  and  in  my  Sunday  snivelling  prayery,  we  ought  to  do 
all  we  do  to  the  glory  of  God ;  for,  God,  He  counts  all  our 
actions. 

"Now,  my  friends,  I  tell  you  Charity  is  the  finest  investment 
ye  can  go  in  for.  It  yields  the  largest  dividends.  Not  only  do 
we  please  God  by  it,  and  so  secure  mansions  and  harps  and 
crowns  above,  which  will  come  in  very  handy,  when  we  can 
make  no  more  out  of  this  world,  but  by  giving  much  in  Charity 
to  these  dogs,  we  win  their  affection  and  their  veneration,  and 
by  soothing  their  stomachs  a  little,  we  soothe  their  restlessness 
and  their  inclinations  to  sedition,  and  so  preserve  them  in  a 
meek,  pious  and  subservient  frame  of  mind  which  is  conducive 
to  low  wages.  Thus  you  see,  my  friends,  a  large  Charity  fund 
is  putting  wealth  where  it  will  do  the  most  good. ' ' 

Great  applause  greeted  this  suggestion  of  the  Honorable  One 
a  Maker  of  long  prayers  and  short  wages,  as  he  resumed  his  seat 


THE  DOGS  AND  THE  FLEAS.  251 

Then  there  arose,  with  great  diffidence,  a  very  elegant  lady 
flea.  She  was  the  consort  of  one  of  the  Monstrous  Fleas,  Lady 
Vauderbillion  Flea  by  name,  and  with  much  modesty  spake 
thus  : 

"Most  honorable  assembly  of  fleas  :  the  suggestion  of  the 
very  Holy  One  a  Maker  of  long  prayers,  touched  my  heart. 
The  word  Charity  is  the  most  holy  and  tender  one  in  all  our 
language.  It  is  a  grace  peculiarly  feminine,  and  it  has  been 
reserved  by  God  to  lady  fleas,  as  their  highest  prerogative,  to 
give  it  its  proper  expression,  and  I  would  modestly  suggest  that 
all  the  lady  fleas  here  present  give  shape  and  form  to  the  Char- 
ity which  our  dear  brother  has,  in  the  fullness  of  his  heart,  rec- 
ommended. 

"  I  have  an  idea ;  I  believe  it  is  an  inspiration  from  God: 
Why  not  get  up  a  Charity  Ball  of  the  Fleas  for  the  dogs'  bene- 
fit ? 

' '  Now,  we  all  have  one  great  gift ;  we  are  all  great  on  the 
hop,  both  male  and  female.  Then  why  not  sanctify  this  gift  by 
arraying  ourselves  in  our  very  best,  and,  putting  on  our  bravest 
and  most  gorgeous  panoply  of  gold  and  silver,  and  our  most 
resplendent  gems,  to  the  sound  of  the  psaltery,  cornet,  harp, 
sackbut,  dulcimer  and  all  kinds  of  music,  make  a  grand  hop, 
and  let  the  proceeds  thereof  go  for  the  founding  of  a  hospital 
for  the  care  of  broken-down  dogs  ?  " 

Here  the  speaker  was  interrupted  by  applause  from  all  the 
lady  fleas,  and  tumultuous  ejaculations  of  "Good,  good," 
"Splendid,"  "Oh,  wouldn't  that  be  just  lovely  !  "  "Oh,  oh,  a 
grand  dressing  and  hop  for  Charity." 

But  the  Honorable  One  a  Maker  arose  and  said  it  was  per- 
haps a  very  good  suggestion  ;  but  as  dancing  was  to  him  not 
the  highest  form  of  piety,  and  as  he  always  made  it  a  practice 
never  to  keep  any  but  the  very  best  quality  of  goods  in  his 
stock  of  piety,  he  would  have  to  decline  to  be  a  contributing 
party  to  the  matter,  but  if  the  ladies  present  thought  that  the 
Ball  could  be  so  managed  as  to  be  unobjectionable  from  a  relig- 


252  THE   DOGS  AND  THE   FLEAS. 

ious  point  of  view,  and  to  advertise  his  name  abroad  to  the 
world,  he  would  esteem  it  a  favor. 

Lady  Vauderbillion  Flea,  resuming,  said  :  "I  am  proud  to 
see  my  humble  suggestion  so  well  received.  Oh,  my  dear  fel- 
low godly  ones,  ye  know  that  we  dearly  love  to  hop  ;  we  dearly 
love  to  bedeck  ourselves  in  gorgeous  ornaments,  and  we  dearly 
love  to  be  seen  one  of  another  in  all  our  glory  ;  and  I  suggest 
that  all  this  love  of  legitimate  display,  this  beautiful  amusement 
of  ours,  which  has  hitherto  been  only  a  pastime,  be  for  the 
future  put  to  some  holy  use  and  profit. 

"Let  us  bring  our  whole  selves  and  our  amusements  as  a 
precious  gift,  and  lay  it  as  a  sacrifice  on  the  altar.  Let  us  sanc- 
tify ourselves  wholly  in  the  sight  of  Heaven.  Let  us  prayer- 
full}'  and  with  a  contrite  heart  put  upon  us  our  most  costly  and 
resplendent  raiment.  Let  us,  with  reverence  and  all  humility, 
and  in  the  fear  of  God,  fetch  out  our  bushels  of  diamonds  and 
rubies  and  pearls  and  corals  and  sapphires  and  amethysts  and 
topazes  and  chalcedonies  ;  our  leagues  of  golden  chains,  and 
piles  of  bracelets,  wristlets,  anklets,  tiaras  and  coronets,  and  in 
our  most  gorgeous  equipages,  attended  by  our  troops  of  lack- 
eys, flunkeys,  lickspittles  and  slaves,  repair  to  some  magnifi- 
cent and  brilliantly  appointed  hall,  and  there  let  us  hop  with  a 
holy  hop  unto  the  glory  of  God  and  the  honor  of  Charity,  pure 
and  hoi}',  meek  and  lowly,  chief  of  all  the  graces  three.  Thus, 
my  friends,  shall  we  combine  our  own  enjoj'ment  and  the  bene- 
fit of  the  poor  dogs.  And  the  Great  Gee  Whizz,  the  Many 
Headed  Daily  Press,  will  be  there,  and  will  write  it  all  down  to 
tell  it  all  abroad  for  the  amusement  and  edification  of  the  dogs  ; 
atid  next  morning  our  left  hands  shall  know  all  that  our  right 
hands  have  done,  and  the  whole  world  shall  know  how  we 
'Danced  for  Sweet  Charity,'  and  how  the  ladies  looked  and 
what  each  one  wore,  and  all  about  it. 

"Oh,  my  friends,  how  sweet  is  the  contemplation  of  the 
blessedness  of  helping  God's  poor,  of  doing  good,  and  in  our 
humble  way,  helping  to  bring  in  the  Kingdom  of  God.     But, 


fan  DOGS  ANt)  TaU  F'LHlAS.  953 

abo^e  all,  we  shall  have  the  blissful  assurance  in  our  hearts 
that  we  are  pleasing  God ;  for  we  have  the  word  of  Scripture 
for  it  that  they  who  give  to  the  poor  lend  to  the  Lord  ;  and  the 
Lord  is  in  great  need  of  loans  just  now.  And  think  what  a 
comfort  it  will  be  in  our  dying  hour,  that  for  one  poor  night's 
sacrifice  for  His  poor,  we  shall  have  an  eternity  of  reward. 

"  Of  course  there  will  be  no  dogs  admitted,  for  the  admission 
fee  to  see  us  hop  will  be  so  high  that  none  but  the  rich  will  be 
able  to  afford  it ;  but  as  the  proceeds  are  to  go  to  the  dogs,  this 
will  be  a  blessing  rather  than  otherwise.  And  of  course,  too,  to 
admit  a  lot  of  unkempt,  musty  and  ill-smelling  dogs  would 
mar  the  harmonies  of  the  picture  ;  would  not  consort  with  the 
brilliance  and  beauty  of  our  paraphernalia,  and  would  offend 
the  delicate  sensibilities  of  our  sister  saints.  They  would  assur- 
edly keep  away  the  very  rich  and  aesthetic  elite,  whom  we  wish 
to  come  to  see  us  hop.  In  fact,  deeply  and  intensely  as  I  love 
the  poor,  in  their  proper  sphere,  I  should  not  care  to  come  my- 
self. 

"  This,  my  friends,  is  my  suggestion  ;  and  I  think  that  with 
charity  balls  and  picture  galleries,  and  free  music,  and  free  gos- 
pel, the  problem  of  canine  discontent  and  infidelity  and  pov- 
erty will  be  pretty  nearly  solved.  And  I  think  too,  that  if  the 
dogs  are  not  thankful  for  all  this  great  provision  that  we  have 
made  for  their  temporal  and  eternal  welfare,  they  are  a  most 
ungrateful  set." 

And  Lady  Vanderbillion  Flea  sat  down  amid  renewed  ap- 
plause. 


CHAPITER  XU. 

A  Messenger  of  Evii,  Tidings.  —  The  Conference 
Alarmed. — The  Old  Disease  Revived.— The  Confer- 
ence IN  Confusion. —  Mutual  Recriminations.  —  In- 
vaded BY  Unwelcome  Dogs. — The  Big  Dog's  Fearful 
Indictment  of  the  Fleas.  —  Tells  How  the  Dogs 
Came  to  Their  Senses. 


t--^  ^^^11 CARCELY  had  the  air,  agitated  with  the  acclama- 
~  ''  tions  followiug  Lady  Vauderbilliou  Flea's  happy 
suggestion,  recovered  its  trauquillity,  when  a  large 
flea  was  seen  to  enter  by  a  side  door,  near  the 
^'^^j^i^  platform,  and,  in  evident  agitation,  present  a  little 
^    ^'s|  note  to  the  presiding  angel  of  the  assembly.  His 

Grace,  the  Serene  and  Excessively  Distinguished 
Archiepiscopus  of  the  Diocese  of  Puliciania,  who,  as  he  perused, 
was  noticed  to  turn  very  pale  and  shake,  while  all  the  fleas 
looked  on  with  nervous  apprehension.  He  had  scarcely  fin- 
ished, when  he  beckoned  to  some  of  the  most  eminent, 
wealthy  and  Monstrous  Fleas  to  come  with  him  into  a  corner, 
as  he  had  a  matter  of  vital  import  to  speak  to  them  about. 

Whereupon,  the  assembly  of  the  fleas,  always  apprehensive 
of  trouble,  could  not  contain  themselves,  but  cried  out  to 
know  what  was  the  matter.  So,  His  Grace,  the  Serene,  etc., 
etc.,  in  faltering  accents  made  answer  and  said:  "Alas, 
Brethren  and  Sisters,  this  messenger  hath  brought  us  evil 
tidings  of  great  grief.     He  reports  that  a  most  virulent,   in- 

254 


•the  dog^  and  the  fleas.  255 

fectious  and  contagious  epidemic  of  the  thinking  disease  has 
broken  out  amongst  the  dogs,  infinitely  worse  than  anything 
heretofore  known  ;  yea,  so  virulent  is  it  that  it  seems  to  defy 
all  the  remedies  known  to  the  Bamboozlers'  Pharmacopceia, 
which,  with  God's  help,  were  always  until  now  so  efficient. 
So  violent  and  rapid  is  this  plague,  this  messenger  says,  that 
the  victim  seems  to  be  taken  utterly  without  warning.  One 
minute,  he  is,  to  all  appearances,  in  the  very  best  and  most 
satisfactory  state  of  idiocy  and  drivelling  devotion  to  Country 
and  Flag,  and  the  next,  he  is  in  the  thraes  of  the  most  dreadful 
and  dangerous  sanity.  He  says  the  Board  of  Public  Safety,  the 
Bamboozling  Committee  and  the  Great  Many  Headed  Daily 
Press,  have  been  hastily  summoned,  but  are  gaping  at  each 
other  in  dumb  and  helpless  bemuddlement ;  and  all  the  Emdees 
are  in  consultation,  but  are  quite  puzzled,  for  they  never  knew 
or  heard  of  such  a  sudden  and  widespread  outbreak.  He  says 
they  say  they  think  it  is  the  recurrence  of  an  old,  and  supposed- 
to-have-been-extinct  disease— but  which  evidently  travels  in  an 
elliptical  orbit  of  such  immense  elongation,  that  its  point  of 
intersection  with  the  orbit  of  canine  revolution  gives  the  disease 
about  an  every-ten-centuries  periodicity  of  conjunction. 

"  He  says  they  say  it  is  a  disease  that  attacks  the  optic  nerve 
of  each  eye  simultaneously,  and  is  caused  by  the  abnormal 
intensification  and  aesthetization  of  the  anonymous  gastric 
thingumybob,  at  its  point  of  junction  with  the  visual  organs, 
and  is  primarily  due  to  intense  and  prolonged  hunger  and 
abuse.  This  disease  is  known  in  common  language  as  "Eye- 
opening,"  and  is  regarded  as  a  very  fatal  malady  ;  not,  singular 
to  say,  to  the  dog  attacked,  but  only  to  the  fleas  on  him,  as  he 
immediately  begins  to  sever  those  sacred  relations  which  God 
has  established  between  him  and  his  fleas,  so  that  they  begin  to 
wither  and  perish  for  lack  of  nourishment." 

And  at  these  ominous  words,  great  fear  and  trembling  came 
upon  all  the  assembly,  and  they  began  to  bewail,  and  to  charge 
that  an  ungrateful  Providence  had  gone  back  on  them,  in  the 


256 


THE   DOGS  AND  THE  FLEAS. 


very  hour  when  they  had  gathered  to  do  something  to  help  him 
in  his  work  of  blessing  the  dogs  ;  and  they  grew  bitter  in  de- 
nouncing Pup  McPoodle  as  an  incompetent  and  unfaithful  Ex- 
ecutive, and  the  Boards  of  Public  Health  and  Safety  as  a  lot  of 
antiquated  old  duffers,  and  the  Bamboozling  Committee  as  a  lot 
of  noodles,  and  not  half  as  smart  as  they  were  cracked  up  to  be, 
and  the  Great  Many  Headed  Daily  Press,  as  a  fraud  and  a 
false  prophet,  and  everybody  and  everything  else,  for  betraying 
them. 

And  when  His  Grace,  the  Serene,  etc.,  etc.,  proposed  that 
they  sing  a  Hymn  of  Faith  and  put  their  trust  in  Heaven,  they 
gruffly  replied  that  Hymns  of  Faith  were  utterlj-  inadequate  as 
compensation  for  the  utter  loss  of  dogs  to  bleed,  and  as  for  put- 
ting trust  in  Heaven,  that  was  all  very  well,  provided  one  was 
on  the  spot  to  look  after  things.  And  when  Tee  de  Little  Wit 
Blatherskite  arose,  and,  with  idiotically  histrionic  gestures,  be- 
gan to  vociferate  that  in  vision  he  saw  the  Lord  as  a  man  of  war, 
coming  with  chariots  of  fire,  lightning,  thunderbolt  and  tem- 
pest, to  the  rescue  of  His  Anointed  and  the  discomfiture  of  the 


THE  DOGS  AND  THE   FLEAS. 


257 


infidel  aud  irreligious  dogs,  they  rudely  told  him  he  was  a  bag 
of  windy  words,  whose  fine  God  didn't  even  deliver  hint  in  his 
hour  of  need  ;  for  when  he  fell  once,  lately,  into  a  hundred- 
foot  debt  hole,  his  fellow  dogs  had  to  fill  up  seventy -seven 
hundredihs  of  it,  before  he  could  scramble  out. 

And  at  the  very  height  of  this  confusion,  a  great  commotion 
occurred  amongst  those  near  the  door,  aud  a  Big  Dog,  followed 
by  a  whole  troop  of  dogs,  boldly  entered.  "What  impudence  !  " 
said  some  of  the  highly  perfumed  and  delicate  lady  fleas. 
"  What  a  disagreeable  smell  of  dog,"  said  others.  The  Charity- 
Ball  enthusiasts,  at  sight  of  the  dirty  mob,  fainted  dead  away  ; 
the  fattest  of  the  salaried  barkers  sneaked  out  by  the  side  door  ; 
while  the  eminent,  wealthy  and  Monstrous  Fleas,  to  hide  their 
terror,  grew  truculent  and  made  a  great  hubbub  and  threaten- 
ing ;  but  the  Big  Dog  in  a  voice  of  thunder,  bade  them  be  silent. 
The  terror-stricken  fleas  fell  flat,  and  the  Big  Dog 
advancing,  extended  his  huge  paw,  and  thus  ad- 
dressed them  :  "Listen,  most  eminent  and  respec- 
table representatives  of  the  most  eminent  and 
respectable  order  of  pimps,  barnacles  and  blood- 
suckers ;  I  and  my  gang  of  fellow-sufferers  have 
been  at  the  door  of  your  convention  for  some  time 

past,  and  we  have 
heard  all  your 
elaborate  schemes 
which  you  have 
concocted  for  our 
welfare. 

"About  the 
time  you  fat,  full- 
blooded  and  com- 
fortable suckers 
called  this  con- 
vention to  take 
into  consideration 


258  THE  DOGS  AND  THE  FLEAS. 

the  miserable  condition  of  us  dogs,  a  number  of  us  dogs  had 
the  (to  you)  sublime  impudence  to  call  a  convention  to  take 
into  consideration  our  own  condition  ;  and  we  pride  ourselves 
that  we  have  reached  a  far  broader  and  more  practical  con- 
clusion than  your  worshipful  body  has  come  to.  As  you  well 
know,  there  has  been  brewing  amongst  us  a  very  deep  discon- 
tent with  our  condition,  and  a  very  decided  conviction  that  we 
knew  exactly  what  was  the  matter  with  us,  and  how  to  mend  it. 

"Some  of  us  had  fathers  who  could  remember  the  honored 
chieftain,  Bull  McMastiff,  and  the  good  times  dogs  had  then, 
and  they  told  us  that  old  Mastiff  used  daily  to  say  and  repeat : 
"My  dear  dogs,  beware  of  the  fleas,"  and  he  prophesied  that  so 
surely  as  they  abated  their  hatred  of  fleas,  they  would  sink  into 
poverty,  meagreness  and  misery. 

"And  so  it  has  been.  When  Bull  McMastiff"  gave  up  the 
ghost,  McPoodle,  a  bad-for-everythiug  ruler,  who,  like  most 
other  beastly  pests  and  nuisances,  has  lived  to  a  most  unconscion- 
ably great  age,  relaxed  the  stringency  of  our  laws,  and  allowed 
the  missionaries  of  the  fleas  to  settle  amongst  us,  and  these 
missionaries  went  about  amongst  us  preaching  that  McMastiff 
was  an  imbecile  old  fool,  who  did  not  know  what  was  good  for 
dogs  ;  that  the  fleas  were  a  much  maligned  and  misrepresented 
class  ;  that  a  few  fleas — a  nice  judicious  selection — on  a  dog,  were 
not  only  no  detriment,  but  a  positive  advantage  to  him  ;  that 
they  helped  his  general  and  particular  health  ;  that  they  pur- 
ified a  dog's  blood,  and  enriched  it  with  certain  valuable  ele- 
ments, which  all  truly  healthy  dogs  need,  and  that  the  few 
drops  of  blood  they  took  as  dividend,  were  a  mere  nothing  in 
comparison  to  the  service  they  rendered,  that  they  could  assure 
them  that  no  dog  could  be  said  to  be  really  and  truly  healthy  and 
complete  without  at  least  some  fleas  upon  him  ;  yea,  they  went 
so  far  as  to  declare  by  Heaven  and  Holy  Scripture,  that  fleas 
were  divinely  appointed  to  give  life  and  joy  and  peace  to  dogs, 
and  that  the  race  of  dogs  would  die  off  the  face  of  the  earth,  if 
it  were  not  for  them  ;  and  they  told  of  very  many  terrible  in- 


THE  DOCS  AND  THE  FLEAS. 


S59 


stances  where  whole  nations  of  dogs  had  utterly  perished  for 
want  of  a  few  fleas. 

"And  we  dogs  were  idiots  enough  to  believe  the  pious  lies 
they  told  us,  and  we  allowed  you  to  become  a  part  of  our  com- 
munity ;  and,  very  soon,  it  fell  out  that  ye  became  the  real, 
actual  community,  and  we  became  your  feeders,  your  providers, 
your  most  humble  and  obedient  servants.  We  took  you  to  our 
bodies  and  very  soon  ye  made  them  your  own,  and,  puffed  up 
with  pride,  ye  came  to  imagine  that  ji?  only  were  the  people,  ye 
were  the  republic  ;  ye  called  yourselves  on  all  occasions,  '  the 
country,'  '  the  nation.'  Ye  made  war  and  peace,  and  did  every- 
thing and  ^Q)\.  ^x&xy\^\xi%\>\x\.  the  fighting  and  the  paying .  Ye 
got  up  centennials,  bi,  tri  and  quadri, 
of  this,  that  and  the  other,  which  we 
poor  starving  dogs  were  bled  to  pay 
for  and  allowed  to  look  at  from  a 
great  distance.  And  the  overgrown 
suckers  of  other  nations  sent  their 
'  greetings '  to  you  ;  and  when  they,  to 
vary  the  monotony  of  their  centen- 
nials and  anniversaries  of  this,  that 
^  and  the  other,  got  up  a  grand  Jubilee 
I'^l^  Jamboree  to  commemorate  the  fiftieth 
year  of  the  efforts  of  a  fat  and  fuzzy 
old  lady  sucker,  Queen  flea  of  Kyhi- 
dom,  and  her  prolific  brood  to  bleed  their  do^s  to  death,  ye  sent 
your  greetings  and  prayers  for  God  Almighty's  blessings  on 
their  efforts  ;  and  all  this  pious  snobbery  and  robbery  and 
jobbery,  ye  called  'drawing  closer  the  bonds  of  international 
comity.' 

"But  us  dogs,  whom  ye  condescendingly  permit  to  pay  for 
all  this,  and  allow  to  look  at  the  glory  of  afar  off,  whom  ye  per- 
mit to  read  of  the  forty-course  banquets  ye  feast  at  in  our  name, 
ye  taught  that  we  owed  our  very  life  to  you,  and  that  it  was  our 
duty  to  give  up  our  daily  blood  to  you,  and  give  thanks  to 


260  tHB  t)0(iS  ANt)  THE   PLEAS. 

Almighty  God  that  He  had  ia  boundless  mercy  so  bouutifully 
blessed  us  with  fleas.  Aud  we  dogs  did  so  deeply  fall  into  the 
idiocy  aud  supineness  generated  by  immemorial  usage  and 
custom,  that  we  came  to  regard  this  division  of  us  into  masses 
and  classes,  sucked  and  suckers,  robbed  and  robbers,  workers 
and  idlers,  starved  and  overfed,  as  of  natural  order  aud  divine 
appointment. 

"  That  is,  most  of  us  did.  There  were  a  few  who  refused  to 
wag  the  adulatory  tail  of  approval  of  this  system.  We  ceased 
not  to  howl  and  bark  day  and  night  our  discontent.  And  for 
this  ye  called  in  dogs  of  Belial  to  witness  against  some  of  us,  say- 
ing, they  did  blaspheme  God  and  the  Law,  and  then  ye  carried 
them  forth  and  stoned  them  with  stones,  or  hanged  them  with 
ropes  till  they  died.  And  ye  threw  mud  at  us  in  the  name 
of  the  Lord,  and  went  and  told  the  hungriest  and  leanest  and 
foolishest  dogs  amongst  us  that  we  were  'Socialists,'  '  Sedition- 
ists,' and  'Anarchists  ;  '  and  they,  not  knowing  in  their  heart 
what  those  words  meant,  did  therefore  hound  us  aud  mob  us 
and  persecute  us  for  endeavoring  to  restore  to  them  the  liberty 
they  had  lost.  Oh,  they  accused  us  of  disturbing  their  rest  ; 
of  trying  to  make  them  discontented ;  of  imperilling  their 
positions  with  their  natural  superiors,  the  fleas  ;  of  trying  to 
subvert  the  natural  order  of  suckers  and  sucked,  and  of  trying 
to  bring  on  the  day  of  judgment  and  the  destruction  of  the  uni- 
verse.    Poor  fools  ! 

"  But  one  day,  two  or  three  of  the  hungriest  of  us  wandered 
away  out  of  town,  and  lay  down  under  a  tree  in  a  solitary  place 
to  think  and  weep  out  the  sadness  of  our  hearts;  and  as  we  wept 
and  meditated,  behold  an  Angel  appeared  unto  us  and  saluted 
us.  And  we,  shaking  with  terror,  said,  '  Who  art  thou?'  aud 
he  said,  '  I  am  Plain  Common  Sense,  the  rarest  Angel  of  all 
that  visit  the  earth  ;  Heaven  hath  appointed  me  Messenger-in- 
Particular  to  the  hungriest  of  the  hungry. 

"  '  I  never  visit  fleas,  and  seldom  do  I  come  to  fat  and  com- 
fortable dogs.    I  am  a  lonely  Angel,  and  I  have  a  tremendously 


THE  DOGS  AND  THE  FLEAS.  361 

long  beat  to  patrol,  which  I  cannot,  even  if  I  make  lia^te,  com- 
plete in  less  than  ten  hundred  years  ;  therefore,  ye  are  very 
lucky  in  being  here  just  as  I  was  passing.  But  whosoever 
entertaineth  me  receiveth  always  a  blessing.' 

"  So  saying,  he  drew  from  a  pocket  in  his  toga,  a  little  phial 
containing  a  thin  and  colorless  fluid,  and  bidding  us  hold  up 
our  faces,  he,  with  his  finger,  moistened  our  eyes  with  the  fluid. 
Instantly,  our  eyes  were  endowed  with  a  marvellous  seeing 
power,  and  our  brains  seemed  to  be  filled  with  lightning  flashes. 
'  See  ye  any  better  now  ?  '  said  he.  '  Infinitely, '  said  we  ;  '  why, 
we  see  what  a  lot  of  unspeakable  idiots,  and  wooden-headed 
fools  we  are,  not  to  have  seen  what  a  lot  of  utterly  useless, 
superfluous  and  ruinously  exhausting  fleas  we  have  been  carry- 
ing all  these  years.'  'Just  so,' said  the  Angel.  'Now,  take  this 
phial,  and  what  hungry  dog's  eyes  soever  ye  shall  moisten  with 
the  fluid,  shall  instantly  receive  power  to  see  through  a  ladder.' 

"We  thanked  him,  and  implored  him  to  tarry  with  us  and 
abide  and  take  something  ;  but  he  was  grieved,  and  said  he  was 
no  police  dog,  and  had  several  stars  to  visit  before  midnight. 
And  he  vanished  from  our  sight. 

"So  we  took  the  little  phial,  which  was  labelled,  'Dilute 
Solution  of  Plain  Common  Sense ;  one  drop,  applied  to  the  eyes 
of  a  very  hungry  dog,  warranted  to  make  him  see  through  a 
flea,'  and  tried  it  on  every  hungry  dog  we  met ;  and  the  result 
was,  as  the  Angel  foretold,  that  every  one  was  instantly  restored 
to  the  most  exalted  sanity,  and  saw  clear  through  the  humbug 
of  the  whole  dirty  useless  gang  of  you,  your  Bamboozling  Com- 
mittee, your  Flags,  Statues,  and  lying  Patriotism,  your  blas- 
phemy of  Liberty,  and  cant  of  Freedom,  and  everything  else 
that  there  is  of  you. 

"  All  these  dogs  with  me  have  had  their  eyes  touched  with 
the  Solution,  and  the  epidemic,  as  your  fool  Bamboozlers  and 
Emdees  call  it,  has  run  through  three-fourths  of  Canisville,  and 
the  country  roundabout. 


262  THE  DOGS  AND  THE  FLEAS. 

"Now,  therefore,  we  have  come  hither  to  propose  a  new 
modus  Vivendi,  some  way  of  living  without  you;  but  before  we 
do  that  we  desire  to  express  to  you  our  gratitude  for  all  the  kind 
things  you  have  done  and  have  this  night  proposed  to  do. 

"We  thank  you  for  having  sent  us  the  Gospel  of  Earthly 
Contentment  and  Future  Reward.  As  ye  were  the  first,  efficient 
and  only  cause  of  our  discontent,  the  robbers  of  all  our  means 
of  growth,  physical  comfort  and  intelligence,  ye  owed  us  some- 
thing as  a  set-off;  but  seeing  that  ye  offered  us  only  a  verj'  far 
distant  and  uncertain  intangibility  of  future  recompense— //ra^ 
ye  yourselves  had  no  power  to  grant — while  what  ye  took  from 
us  by  FRAUD  and  tnetital  chloroforming  was  something  real, 
actual  and  of  present  tangible  value,  we  have  decided  not  to 
accept  your  promissory  note  that  is  to  be  redeemed  some  in- 
definite time  in  next  eternity.  We  believe  that  now  is  the 
accepted  time  for  those  who  toil  to  get  their  reward,  and  that 
NOW  is  the  accepted  time  for  all  idlers  and  suckers  to  starve  to 
death.  We  believe  that  it  is  blasphemy  to  neglect  the  earth 
that  IS  for  a  heaven  that  may  BE. 

"We  believe  that  God  is  the  God  of  JUSTICE  and  that  he  has 
punished  us  for  doing  otirselves  the  injustice  of  being  robbed, 
and  for  doing  you  the  unkiudness  and  injustice  of  helping  you 
to  live  in  demoralizing  idleness  on  unearned  w^ealth. 

"Therefore,  out  of  pure  love  for  ourselves,  and  a  consuming 
anxiety  for  your  welfare,  we  will  take  the  full  reward  of  our 
labor  NOW,  and  turn  over  to  you  all  the  hopes  and  realities  of 
future  reward  and  glory  which  ye  make  so  mtich  of.  Ye  have 
taught  us  the  ineffable  blessedness  of  poverty  and  trust  in  God  ; 
of  etnpty  bellies  and  the  contemplation  of  other-world  bliss. 

"  Therefore,  be  it  enacted,  and  it  is  hereby  enacted,  by  us 
dogs  now  restored  to  our  senses,  that  from  the  passage  of  this 
Act,  i.  e.  NOW,  ye  fleas,  suckers,  robbers  and  poisoners,  shall 
have  all  your  privileges  as  idle  drags  upon  our  prosperity  taken 
away  from  you,  and  ye  shall  henceforth  be  endowed  andrrowned 
with  all  those  sacred  and  inalienable  rights  to  starve  and  die. 


THE   DOGS   AND  THE   FLEAS.  263 

to  sink  or  swim,  which  are  now  the  great  and  particular  endow- 
ment of  dogs  throughout  the  world. 

"But  in  lieu  thereof,  and  as  a  set-off,  we  make  over  to  you  in 
fee  simple,  and  to  your  heirs  and  assigns  forever,  all  those 
mansions  in  the  sky,  and  the  grounds  thereto  appertaining ; 
all  those  sweet  fields  of  Eden  and  the  sweet  rest  to  be  found 
there  ;  all  those  harps  and  crowns  of  gold,  the  robes  and  palms 
and  glories  and  pleasures  forever  more,  and  all  the  sweetness 
and  light  and  satisfaction,  etc.,  etc.,  etc.  These  we  give,  grant 
and  convey  to  you  in  the  same  disinterested  spirit  as  that  in 
which  you  bequeathed  them  to  us. 

"  Go,  then,  in  peace,  and,  rich  in  all  the  wealth  oi  future 
hope,  may  you  be  happy.  Heretofore,  ye  have  taken  our  earthly 
things  and  pretended  to  give  us  in  exchange  heavenly  things. 
We  will  now  re-exchange  them,  and  while  ye  are  enjoying  the 
strange  new  bliss  of  earning  your  earthly  things,  so  there  is 
nothing  to  prevent  us,  while  enjoying  our  earthly  rights,  from 
looking  forward  to  the  good  things  of  the  future." 

And  the  fleas,  at  the  pronunciation  of  this  sentence,  fell  into  a 
grievous  terror,  and  bewailed  the  hard  fate  that  had  overtaken 
them  ;  and  said  that  life  without  wealth  and  leisure  would  be  but 
penal  servitude  ;  and  none  of  them  seemed  to  take  any  comfort 
in  this  Heavenly  Inheritance.  Yea,  some  of  them,  at  this  re- 
versal of  fortune,  went  insane,  and  many  of  them  saying,  that  if 
a  "title  clear  to  mansions  in  the  skies"  was  all  that  was  left  of 
the  wreck  of  their  fortunes,  they  might  as  well  be  dead,  took 
one  tremendous  jump  and  went  out  and  drowned  themselves, 


CHAPTER  XLII. 


The  Big  Deuverer  Pours  Out  on  the  Fi,eas  an  Awful 
Stream  of  Scorching  Truths,  Which  are  as  Much  an 
Indictment  of  the  Dogs  as  of  the  Fleas. — The  Police 
Dogs  Go  in  Out  of  the  Wet. — Desperate  Last  Effort 
of  the  Fleas  to  Regain  Their  Lost  Power. — End  of 
THE  Fleas.— Establishment  of  Pure  Dogogracy  Under 

A  Cleaned  and  Purified  Flag  of  the 

Truly  Free. 


UT  in  spite  of  the  consternation  amongst  the  fleas, 
the  big  dog  remorselessly  continued:  "  Further- 
^  more,  ye  meanest  and  hatefullest  suckers  of  blood  ; 
ye  enterprising,  industrious  and  pushing  absorb- 
ers OF  THE  PRODUCTS  OF  OTHERS'  INDUSTRY  ;  ye 
thieves,  hear  me  !  Ye  have  broken  down  the  natural  and  just 
system  of  society,  under  which  each  dog  got  the  full  reward  of 
his  own  industry. 

"And  it  was  all  our  fault  that  ye  did  it.  By  the  ignorant 
consent  of  the  fools  amongst  us,  ye  got  on  our  backs  and  ive 
FOOLS  made  it  legal  for  you  to  be  RASCALS  and  suck  our 
blood.  We  idiots  made  it  compulsor}'  on  ourselves  to  carry  you, 
feed  you,  fatten  you,  pamper  you.  We  starved  ourselves  to 
make  you  rotten  with  overfeeding  ;  and  these  two  unnatural 
extremes  we  made  to  meet  and  form  a  sickening  spectacle  for 
High  Heaven  to  spue  over.  We  flattered  you,  we  worshipped, 
praised,  lauded  and  magnified  j'ou.  We  made  you  our  gods, 
and  taught  ourselves  to  shake  and  tremble  in  the  unapproach- 
able light  and  glory  of  your  infinite  divinity.  And  ye  were  but 
fleas — little  dirty  insects,  made  great  only  by  our  stupid  suffrage. 

264 


THE  DOGS  AND  THE  FLEAS. 


265 


Oh,  the  infinite  marvel  of  it !  that  the  world  of  dogs  should 
ever  have  gone  so  blind,  imbecile  and  demented  as  to  have 
lifted  you  dirty  pests  into  the  throne  of  the  world,  and  made 
you  the  lords  of  all  power  and  might.  How  many  million  yards 
of  the  sackcloth,  and  tons  of  the  ashes  of  repentance  will  this, 


our  mighty  sin,  need  for  its  expiation  !  Dogs,  dogs,  that  we 
were  ever  to  have  done  it !  But  we  did  it ;  and  for  our  reward 
ye  drove  us,  ye  bled  us,  ye  tortured  us,  ye  killed  us  and  made 
merry  over  our  corpses.  Oh,  shame  and  everlasting  contempt 
be  on  us  that  we — without  whose  permission  ye  never  could 
have  existed  one  minute — should,  in  our  fathomless  stupidity, 


266  THE  DOGS  AND  THE  FLEAS. 

have  created  j'Oii,  and  then  have  abdicated  the  throne  of  our 
sovereignty  and  put  you  despicable,  infinitesimal  cusses  into  it ! 

"  This  was  our  sin  ;  and  ye,  our  creation,  have  been  our  just 
punishment.  This  is  always  Heaven's  judgment  on  those  who 
sin  against  themselves  by  giving  up  tjaeir  self  respect,  and  sur- 
rendering their  natural  rights.  We  reap  as  we  have  sowed.  We 
stripped  ourselves  of  our  God-given  and  inalienable  rights  to 
life,  liberty  and  the  pursuit  of  happiness — things  that  were 
NOT  OURS  TO  GIVE  AWAY — and  sinfully  gave  them  over  to  you, 
and  lo  !  ye  were  the  very  ones  who  mocked  and  scourged  our 
nakedness.  We  became  j-our  slaves  and  thereby  gave  you  the 
right  to  despise  us.  We  invested  you  with  the  whip  and  the 
spur,  and  thereby  invested  you  with  the  right  to  drive  us  to  the 
devil.  And  ye  have  driven  us  to  the  devil.  And  we  have  had 
the  added  misery  of  seeing  you  trying  to  amuse  us  while  driving 
us  there. 

"Ye  stole  all  we  had,  and  when  thousands  of  us  died  of  want 
your  compassion  was  touched,  and  ye  sent  down  for  our  relief 
quite  a  lot  of  good  things,  accompanied  by  tracts  and  choice  ex- 
tracts of  Scripture,  and  a  few  requests  that  we  be  thankful  and 
love  the  givers.  But  some  of  us,  nosing  amongst  these  gifts, 
recognized  them  as  the  same  ones  ye  had  stolen  from  us  ;  and 
while  the  poor  fools  amongst  us  were  trotting  around  thankfully 
licking  their  chops,  and  wagging  their  little  tails,  and  tearfully 
and  prayerfully  invoking  God's  choicest  blessings  upon  you,  we 
walked  off  disgusted  that  there  should  live  fools  so  God-forsaken 
as  to  be  thankful  for  the  return  of  a  crumb  from  the  thief  who 
stole  his  loaf.  Ye  called  it  CHARITY,  and  the  poor  fools  sent 
up  a  request  to  God  to  remember  you  in  love  for  it.  We  called 
it  the  small  articles  the  thief  is  obliged  to  drop  because  Nemesis 
is  after  him  ;  and  we  prayed  God  to  send  a  time  when  we  could 
remember  you— WITH  AN  EXTINGUISHER. 

"And  this  time  has  come  now.  We  came  here  and  heard  you 
devising  new  schemes  to  divert  us  from  our  discontent.  Ye 
knew  th&t  discontent  is  the  precursor  of  investigation  and  the 


268  THE  DOGS  AND  THE  FLEAS. 

knowledge  of  what  is  amiss.  We  heard  you  propose  everything 
but  the  only  thing  needful,  viz  :  TO  GET  OFF  OUR  BACKS. 
Ye  would  make  us  believe  that  ye  sought  OUR  GOOD  ;  but  the 
real  motive  of  your  conduct  was  YOUR  OWN  SAFETY.  Your 
blood  sucking  franchise  being  your  very  life,  ye  could  not,  of 
course,  think  of  giving  it  up  ;  so  ye  proposed  to  throw  a  meat- 
less bone  to  the  dogs  in  the  shape  of  Free  Gospel,  Free  Music, 
Free  Pictures  and  CHARITY  BALLS— which  are  nothing  less 
than  a  damnable  endeavor  to  palm  off  on  God  and  us  your  love 
of  display  and  riotous  pleasure  as  CHARITY.  Ye  must  have 
your  hops  anyhow.  Ye  must  have  your  ostentatious  displays 
of  pride  and  property,  and  your  nights  of  dissipation  ;  but  the 
happy  thought  struck  you  that  you  might  kill  two  birds  with 
one  stone,  and  have  your  unrestricted,  selfish,  fleshly  pleasures, 
and  by  garbing  them  in  the  disguise  of  Charity,  get  also  by 
means  of  them  into  Heaven's  good  book.  But  we  have  found 
you  out,  and  concluded  that  if  we  have  our  own  freedom  we  can 
get  our  own  gospel  and  music  and  pictures  and  do  our  own 
dancing. 

"Therefore,  we,  in  our  plenary  power  to  enforce  this  decision, 
do  enact  that  we  will  do  without  fleas,  and  we  do  hereby  resume 
the  control  of  our  own  bodies  ;  and  therewith  we  resume  all  our 
self-alienated  rights  and  powers;  and  at  the  same  time  we  give, 
grant  and  convey  to  you,  for  your  behoof  and  benefit,  all  that 
gospel,  that  music  and  those  pictures  ye  have  provided  for  us. 
We  shall  not  need  them  now  ;  ye  may,  for,  lo  !  your  doom  is 
sealed." 

"What  doom?  What  dog  insolence  is  this?"  cried  one  of 
the  eminent  fleas,  in  a  bold  tone.  "  Dost  thou  not  know,  dog, 
that  this  is  sedition,  anarchy  and  a  breach  of  the  peace  ?  Begone  ! 
thou  and  thy  low-born,  dirty  and  ill-smelling  crew,  or  by  the 
Law  we  will  turn  you  over  to  the  police  dogs."  And  all  the 
other  fleas,  plucking  up  heart  at  these  words,  cried  out  too ; 
"Yes,  begone ! " 


I'HE  DOGS  AND  THE  FLEAS.  269 

But  the  dogs  laughed,  and  their  leader  said:  "The  day  of 
dogs'  obedience  to  the  commands  of  fleas  is  gone.  Said  I  not 
unto  you  that  their  eyes  had  been  moistened  with  the  Dilute 
Solution  of  Common  Sense,  and  that  they  can  now  see  through 
fleas?  Ye  have  not  heard  ;  but  I  and  these  my  fellow  dogs 
were  commissioned  by  the  other  dogs  of  Canisville  to  come  here 
and  tell  you  that  a  new  Will  of  the  Dogs  Expresser  hath  been 
set  up,  a  very  much  bigger,  better  and  more  effective  one  than 
that  which  ye  commanded  your  slaves  and  imported  beasts  to 
destroy  and  burn  with  fire.  This  Expresser  hath  the  novel  but 
righteous  provision  for  dogs  to  sit  at  the  bottom  of  the  shute 
thereof  and  do  the  counting.  This  hath  been  set  up  in  the 
Public  Place  and  all  the  dogs  have  this  day  dropped  their  little 
wills  into  the  slot  thereof,  and  when  the  trap  in  the  bottom  was 
pulled  and  the  wills  were  counted  it  was  found  that  there  was  a 
Great  Majority,  and  the  Great  Majority  said  that  both  the 
fraudulent  Nighuntos  and  the  swindling  Faraways  should  get 
away  from  the  Tank,  that  the  Blood  and  Bones  Mill  should  be 
broken  down  and  the  Handle  sold  to  the  devil  ;  that  the  lying 
Bamboozling  Committee  and  the  Great  Many  Headed  Daily 
Press  should  be  branded  as  frauds,  and  that  all  dogs,  big,  little 
and  whatsoever,  should  be  absolutely  forbidden  to  contribute  in 
any  degree  to  the  maintenance  of  fleas,  and  any  dog  found 
guilty  of  having  the  smallest  flea  on  him  should  be  treated  as  a 
public  enemy  and  driven  out  of  the  city  into  the  wilderness. 

"The  police  dogs,  alarmed  at  this  universal  coming  of  the 
dogs  to  their  senses,  have  retired  to  their  kennels,  to  watch  the 
weathercock,  and  some  very  impulsive  ones,  being  quite  confi- 
dent that  the  dogs  are  now  on  top,  have  very  ostentatiously 
clubbed  several  eminent  fleas ;  and  the  Bamboozlers  and  the 
Monstrous  Fleas,  after  calling  in  vain  on  the  prudent  and  non- 
committal police  dogs  to  club  back  to  slavery  the  newly  self- 
enfranchised  dogs,  have  run  away.  Bones  and  meat  are  coming 
out  of  their  hiding  places,  and  flesh  is  beginning  to  grow  over 
the  poor  dogs'  bones  ;    and  we  are  here  to  tell  you  to  depart 


270  THE  DOGS  AND  THE  FLEAS. 

peaceably  and  find  some  other  community  of  fools  to  live  ou,  or 
live  on  one  another,  we  care  not  which." 

But  the  fleas  flew  into  a  great  rage,  and  cried  out :  "  To  Hades 
with  your  infernal  Expresser  !  Fleas  always  have  been  on  top, 
and  will  be  forever  !  "  and,  yelling  "Down  with  Sedition,"  they 
with  one  accord  jumped  upon  the  backs  of  the  dpgs,  and  know- 
ing it  was  now  a  case  of  victory  or  death,  they  beset  them  sorely, 
saying  they  would  teach  the  miserable,  thankless  curs  who  was 
master.  There  were  many  fleas  to  each  dog,  and  they  were 
very  fierce  and  savage,  but  not  a  dog  whined  or  scratched.  With 
tail  erect  and  a  noble  light  in  his  intelligent  eye,  the  leader 
turned  and  departed,  followed  in  like  manner  by  all  the  others. 
They  passed  a  place  where  a  lot  of  timber  had  been  cut  and 
each  seized  a  big  chip  in  his  mouth  as  he  trotted  along.  Soon 
they  came  to  where  flowed  a  considerable  stream  of  water,  on 
the  bank  of  which  they  formed  in  reverse  order.  Then,  with 
tails  trailed  in  the  very  dust,  and  to  the  murmuring  music  of  the 
moviug  waters,  they  waded  in  backwards  as  far  as  they  could 
until  nothing  but  the  chips  and  the  very  tip  of  each  nose  was 
above  the  water.  This  caused  the  fleas  to  drop  all  thoughts  but 
those  of  self-preservation,  and  in  a  scrambling  panic  they 
scampered  from  dry  point  to  dry  point  till  the  chip  was  the 
only  resting  place  for  their  feet.  Then,  holding  each  nose  up- 
right and  each  chip  well  aloft,  each  dog  sank,  until  nothing  but 
the  chip,  black  with  a  cursing  mob  of  outwitted  and  dethroned 
blood-suckers,  was  to  be  seen  above  the  water.  A  moment  more 
and  each  dog  let  go  his  chip  and  came  to  the  surface  a  little  way 
up  stream,  giving  the  widest  possible  berth  to  any  chips  floating 
away  from  his  fellow  dogs.  Farther  up  the  stream  they  took 
to  the  banks,  on  which  they  gathered  together  and  from  which 
they  exhorted  the  drowning  fleas  to  practice  the  virtue  of  con- 
tent, and  to  look  above  to  that  Heaven  to  which  they  had  so 
often  pointed  the  dogs.  But  as  the  mob  of  erstwhile  powerful 
tyrants  floated  away  into  the  dim,  forgotten  Past,  there  came 
for  answer  only  a  wail  of  despair  and  a  dying  prayer  that  God 


t*h;e  Does  ANij  1*he;  i^tEAs.  271 

would  avenge  them  some  day  ou  a  wicked  and  thankless  race 
of  dogs.  The  dogs,  however,  with  humble  and  contrite  hearts, 
burst  forth  into  a  dog  song  of  deliverance,  which  ran  : 

Sound  the  loud  timbrel  o'er  Misery's  dark  sea, 

The  Suckers  are  gone,  the  enslaved  ones  are  free  ; 

Their  power  and  their  pride  are  gone  down  in  the  wave, 

And  the  curse  is  removed,  of  Master  and  slave. 
I 

And  the  dogs  with  songs  and  joy  marched  back  to  the  city, 
and  Pup  McPoodle  and  all  his  gang  of  wicked  and  cowardly 
courtier  dogs,  hearing  of  their  coming,  were  seized  with  terror, 
and  "put"  with  such  rapidity  that  the  momentum  of  their  going 
carried  them  far  out  of  sight,  and  it  is  supposed  they  are  going 
still. 

And  the  free  and  happy  dogs  called  the  Big  Dog  Retriever, 
"for,"  said  they,  "he  hath  retrieved  our  lost  prosperity,"  and 
they  cried  aloud  that  he  be  elected  chief;  but  the  Big  Dog  would 
not  consent,  and  he  said  unto  them  :  "No  ;  I 
will  not  be  your  chief.  Be  ye  your  own  chief; 
let  this,  for  the  future,  be  a  government  of  the 
dogs,  by  the  dogs,  and  for  the  dogs ;  delegate 
not  your  power  to  anyone,  be  he  never  so  wise 
and  good,  for  the  dogs  that  do  that  commit 
treason  against  themselves,  and  if  their  chief 
sell  them  to  the  fleas,  they  are  but  justly  pun- 
ished, as  ye  have  been  by  Pup  McPoodle."  And  all  the  dogs, 
having  still  the  influence  of  the  Dilute  Solution  in  their  eyes, 
cried  out  with  one  accord  :  "That  is  Plain  Common  Sense  ;  we 
will  be  the  government,  and  no  one  shall  have  the  power." 

And  it  was  so.  And  they  set  up  and  kept  up  all  the  year 
round  a  great,  big,  free  Will  of  the  Dogs  Expresser,  and  through 
it  they  passed  a  law  that  whatsoever  law  should  henceforth  be 
made  should  be  ratified  by  the  dogs  through  the  Will  Expresser. 
And  it  was  so.  And  all  laws  whatsoever  which  they  had  were 
ratified  through  it  and  without  its  ratification  was  no  law  made 
that  was  made.     And  their  laws  were  very  few  and  very  good  ; 


272  1*HE  DOGS  AND  THE  PI,EaS. 

for  they  found  that  the  wisdom  o{  all  the  dogs  was  greater  than 
the  wisdom  of  any  one  dog  or  of  any  few  dogs  ;  and  there  being 
very  few  laws,  they  were  simple  and  easy  to  understand,  for  the 
object  sought  thereby  was  Justice  and  not  to  fatten  fleas. 

They  also  made  what  they  called  a  Constitution — a  Solemn 
League  and  Covenant — which  they  ratified  seven  times  through 
the  Will  Expresser,  that  provided  that  fleas  and  suckers  of  any 
description  should  be  regarded  as  Unconstitutional  insects,  to 
be  arrested  on  sight  and  driven  ignominiously  out  of  town,  and 
that  any  law  to  allow  them  an  existence  amongst  dogs  should 
be  Unconstitutional,  and  that  any  dog  who  should  ever  propose 
such  a  law  should  be  declared  a  traitor  to  the  community,  and 
condemned  to  abide  by  himself  in  the  wilderness,  and  that  any 
dog  who  even  spoke  with  any  favor  of  fleas  should  be  deemed 
insane  and  be  locked  up  out  of  sight. 

So  peace,  good  order  and  freedom  abounded,  and  with  these 
came  more  to  eat  than  they  ever  needed. 

And  having  true  Freedom  in  the  land  they  pulled  down  the 
Liberty  Bell,  and  the  grotesque  copper  Lie  that  disfigured  the 
prospect  at  the  gates  of  the  city,  and  broke  them  both  up  for 
old  junk,  for  they  said  they  could  not  endure  the  sight  of  em- 
blems that  were  lies  when  they  were  put  up,  and  only  reminded 
them  of  the  days  when  they  were  bamboozled  and  cheated  ;  and 
anyway,  they  said,  real  true  Freedom  was  seen  and  felt  every- 
where, and  needed  no  clangor  of  metal  to  proclaim  its  existence; 
for  a  Freedom  that  needed  such  an  infernal  din  and  racket  and 
oratory  and  show  to  make  itself  known  was  evidently  not  self- 
evident. 

And  as  for  the  old  Flag  of  the  Free,  they  hardly  knew  what 
to  do  with  it.  Some  said  that  the  fleas  and  the  Bamboozlers 
had  made  such  a  lie  of  it,  had  so  blasphemed  Liberty  in  its  name, 
and  had  so  defiled  it  by  hoisting  it  over  so  many  damnable  and 
bloody  iniquities  that,  really,  the  only  proper  thing  to  do  was  to 
burn  it  and  devise  a  new  one.  But  some  said  that  as  it  was 
originally  devised  bj'  fairly  honest  dogs  who  had  had  no  educa- 


The  dogs  and  the  fleas. 


273 


tion  concerning  and  experience  with  fleas,  such  as  the  expensive 
and  terrible  one  they  had  just  gone  through,  they  thought  if 
the  old  Flag  were  well  fumigated  to  take  away  the  sickening 
smell  of  fleas  that  clung  to  it,  and  were  well  scrubbed  and 
scoured,  and  had  all  the  dirt  washed  out  of  it,  it  would  do  very 
well.  So  they  cleansed  and  purified  it,  and  set  it  up  ;  and  under 
it  they  lived  perfectly  happy  ever  after. 


THE  TYPE  SETTING  FOR  THIS  BOOK 

WAS   DONE  BY 

Libby  &  Sherwood  Printing  Co., 

140=146  rionroe  Street, 
CHICAGO. 


THE  PRESS  WORK  ON  THIS  BOOK 

WAS   DONE   BY 

George  K.  Hazlitt  &  Co., 

91  Plymouth  Place, 
CHICAGO. 


^o^^for^ric-i^y 


